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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Do you have any childhood experiences you think clearly impacted the way you are today when it comes to your enneagram core/tritype and/or instincts? Please share your experiences here and discuss them.

***I might remind people to show some respect if someone choses to open up and talk about experiences that may be potentially hurtful for them regardless of whether you think it's typical for their type or not to have those kinds of experiences. If you disagree with how a person's experiences line up with their type, bring that elsewhere. ***

As per requested @holyrockthrower.
 

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First, I don't want anyone to turn this into a derail. If you have anything to say about my type and tritype, send me a PM or follow the link in my sig. That's what it's there for. (Actually, I'd ask you NOT to psychoanalyze these very painful issues).

Second, I do believe my type is inborn. So, most of what I'm going to write is about how I perceived things, probably not any forging process.

Third, I swear, my youth wasn't as bad as this sounds. I'm just pointing out things that shaped my neuroses--this is the total sum of bad things that happened.

Shameful family secrets within:
 
- Most of my early childhood was really good.

- When my mother married my step-father when I was 6, that's about when the problems started. It's pretty much what Naranjo once noted about the sx4--"An arrogant position, a covering up a little bit like the Two covering up their Four connection; e.g., Baudelaire's mother remarried when he was eight years old and he made such a fuss about being replaced by a stepfather that he ended up being put out on the streets. His position was always demanding and arrogant. .... You have so much desire to be accepted you act invasively. The fantasy that you would be rejected leads to the very behavior that gets you rejected."
I reacted so strongly to my mother's affections being transferred to my stepfather, that eventually he branded me criminally insane and threatened to have me "institutionalized". This pretty much goes through the ages--

- In school, other kids picked up on my idiosyncracies and sensitivity about myself and called me names. They told me I was weird, that I had a terrible fashion sense, that I was ugly and disgusting, and that I was an "alien" (my initials IRL are "ET"--and yes, they were quick to exploit that). This went on FOR FUCKING YEARS. I eventually internalized the image that I was an ugly disgusting alien, totally unlike the rest of humanity, and consequently am still often unable to break the boundary between myself and the outer world. I just assume my presence is an imposition, and I have fears of imposing myself on others. Doing so leads to rejection and hurt...so I keep my distance. Even today.

- This is also what led me to realize that "childhood innocence" is a myth. There is no innocence--we're born vicious, especially to those who are different. I feel like smacking maudlin people who believe that children are so "sweet". Ha ha, no.

- My parents neglected to notice this was a problem and laughed off my hurt feelings. Actually, they told me to "ignore it" rather than just punch the kids making fun of me...and I interpreted this to mean "Just withdraw into yourself and pretend the outside world doesn't exist". I became exceedingly shy, withdrawn, and unable to interact till I was about 25 (which I actually hadn't been before elementary school). The teachers actually put me in "special" classes at one point because they thought I was autistic--I just refused to interact. I "ignored" everything.

- I learned not to care about having friends when my (ONLY) two friends left me in the 6th grade because I wasn't cool enough. I was better off on my own, as far as I was concerned. I haven't been able to get rid of this mentality, and actually, recent events have only served to reinforce this to the Nth degree.

- I learned about catty girls, group dynamics, and society itself--MORE representations of how evil people are--when the girls unanimously decided I had no right to exist and ostracized me this same year. I remember eating my lunch alone on so many days, with the girls making catty remarks about my hair, pointing and whispering. Yuck, pubescent girls.

- At home, away from my peers, I was still an asshole. I picked fights with my stepfather because I hated him. I refused to listen to my parents. I destroyed things when I got angry. And I made ALL the family problems known. I unearthed them simply by existing and opening my mouth--I believe my stepfather is in therapy today largely because of the way I unsettled the family. Real problem child--I can't help but feel slightly proud of this, though. I (sometimes) made them face the reality they didn't want to see.

- I remember being constantly yelled at about money as a kid. I was always getting called selfish because I'd ask for things. This was despite the fact that my mother and step-father both came from comfortable, million-dollar homes and maintained a double income. Worse, they'd never share anything with me about how family finances really looked, they'd just magically expect me to be this sweet, selfless lil thing that never asked for anything and gratefully praised them for whatever they chose to give me. I swear. The end result is that I constantly feel that resources are about to run out, I try to live off nothing, and I strongly look down upon people who value money and material possessions. The sp-realm, if you will.

- I learned not to care that everyone thought I was a monster when my step-father had cancer. He told me I was a "horrible, selfish brat" because I didn't care that much about the situation, but the man had been calling me criminally insane for years. Was I supposed to be sympathetic??? Still, I managed to convince myself that he developed cancer specifically because of me and walked around on a years-long guilt spiral. After this resolved itself, I became totally comfortable with the fact that I was evil as well as the fact that I am probably going to die of cancer as a form of karmic retribution.

- Eventually, my stepfather told me to kill myself, so I punched him. That's how I left home.

- Also pretty sure I helped drive my sister into a drug addiction when she hit puberty, because my own envy of her grace, beauty, and social abilities led me to spite, reject, and humiliate her in the most blunt possible manner. (I have to point out that my step-father constantly making remarks about her being a "drug addict and whore" was probably what did it to her more. Even I was appalled by this. But once he no longer had me around to scapegoat, all his repressed rage turned elsewhere. I was the lynchpin that held our collective evil together, I guess).

- And college taught me a few things about death.


I got no frickin' clue why the hell I'm such an optimist about life and humanity, lol. But I still am. XD
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 · (Edited)
I think for me, the childhood experience that most definitely shaped the way I am today is the death of my mother. I was 6 years old and she died from cancer in the stomach that had spread to the liver. I think she was sick and went on and off the hospital for a year before she died. I can't remember the exact details.

Her death made me shut down entirely as a child. I withdrew myself from the world and locked myself up in my head. I became obsessed with things that were intangible and used books and games as escape mechanisms. I rather fantasized about a life beyond the life I had and I got very angry at the world and blamed it for its shortcomings. I found it irrational that there is no internal law or mechanism you can figure out to make sense of it all such as why some people die and why some people not.

It doesn't matter how much I read up on statistics. As an adult I could cite numerous reasons why people die and at some level I was aware of this too even as a child, for instance, I knew that smoking increased the chance of contracting cancer, but in the end, it's all up to chance. Just because you have a 95% chance of dying it doesn't mean you wil actually die just because of the 5% margin of error. I think this random component of life itself just bugged the hell out of me. I sought some internal logic, a fundamental truth or an answer of how the world and the universe operated, something I could understand and accept. I could no accept chance.

Even to this day probability and the randomness of the universe, especially at quantum level is something that I am extremely interested in, but it's because there's a desire of making sense of it, there must be a logical answer why things are the way they are. In terms of probability, I could die right here and right now from spontaneous human combustion but I won't because the chance is so low. Yet we can observe such irrational acts happen even though we may not always register them as such.

I feel this experience ties to my type as a whole in many ways. Not just Ni dominance, but also sx first and 5w4 core. I think this later simply got rienforced by having a very distant father who buried himself in work rather than taking care of me, and I spent most of my time until I was a teenager living with my grandparents. My grandmother, who I may or may not have mentioned elsewhere, is rather smothering. She's an ESFJ type 2, most likely triple positive outlook, and she was completely incapable of providing me with the emotional comfort I probably needed as a child.

Instead she tended to shower me in physical comfort. It was important I was fed the right way and she would never leave me alone, not understanding my already present introverted tendencies. I would sit alone and read a book and she would suddenly barge in, asking me if I wanted this or that, if I felt all right, managed on my own and so forth. As a whole it was a very exhausting experience, like I could never have my own peace of mind. As a whole, the effect she had on me was that she most likely simply made me wish to withdraw away from her and her ways even further. I wanted nothing to do with her as I found her incredibly demanding and controlling.

I simply wanted to be on my own and manage on my own, but she would never let me. She always babysat me in various ways. Fed me with a spoon when I wanted to eat a pear (and that works up to a certain age), always made sure I had everything I wanted but only in terms of food and physical comfort. I think in a way i am still angry at her for never bothering to ask me how I felt at the time, the one poignant question no one bothered to ask me.

She also tended to shower me in praise for every little good thing I did even though the accomplishment itself didn't matter much to me. I wrote my first poem when I was 8 years old and she thought it was such an amazing poem she saved it and I think she still keeps it saved somewhere. Si logic, I don't get it. To me it was just a poem, something I wanted to share, specifically in relation to my own feelings, but no one bothered to make that connection between how I felt and my internal experiences and what I produced.

As a whole I was most likely a very angry child. I was angry at the world, I resented my grandmother and I hated my stepmother whom my father married when I was in my teens. I wanted to tear the world down, piece by piece, especially because I also felt I was an outsider and not like everyone else. No one clearly gave two shits about me, or so it felt like at the time, and especially not the world either since I apparently did not win on the genetic lottery by any means.

I was born with a genetic problem that causes facial deformations so I had to go through a lot of surgery as a child as well, and this affected me negatively, too. Most people don't realize or notice now, but I know, and I know how much I hated that I was again simply left to the world's devices without a sense of freedom of choice or ability to choose who or what I am, where I am going or why. Things just happen outside of my control.

The only control I did possess was that which existed in my own head. It just felt safer that way. If I can only make sense of things in my mind, it's as if everything else makes sense to. Finding some kind of peace of mind.
 

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My parents never were very consistent with me.

They would scold me for performing poorly at a designated task, yet I'd receive the same reward as the people who had accomplished it flawlessly. And since I was a kid, I was encouraged to perform well at school (as any kid), but my father was always giving some moral lessons about how 'one should always perform their jobs throughly and flawlessly, since it's other people's life that are on stake'. So since I was a kid, perfection and performance were central themes in my life.

It didn't help that, as I moved to elementary school, I was socially awkward - losing most of my friends during the early puberty transition phase - and I had to rely on my wits to make a stand in the scene. So, I became the class friendly nerd, and was that kid who made the homework for everyone so that he'd be accepted. So, throughout most of my early teens, I was torn between being accepted and performing well.

Then, I had a weird situation with my father, uncle and cousin, where I was placed expectations of performance in sex too. So, from that on, my life quest was finding ways to cope with this inability of being 'imperfect' in that sense, which brought me closer to the obsession with learning systems and theories to avoid dealing with these kind of situations shamefully. From that point, everything I did had to be planned or investigated prior to happening, so I could feel safe in knowing that I knew every variable and I couldn't fail then.

And then, I grown into being a 3w4, with 6w7 and 1w9 fixes. Personal competency is a huge deal for me, and also is being accepted and flawless.
 

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Then, I had a weird situation with my father, uncle and cousin, where I was placed expectations of performance in sex too.
If you used the word conversation, I wouldn't think anything of this. If you're okay with it, I think this deserves an explanation.
 

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If you used the word conversation, I wouldn't think anything of this. If you're okay with it, I think this deserves an explanation.
I see no problem with explaining it.

I shall use the spoiler function given the graphic nature of this depiction.

 
It was my cousing 15th birthday (he's 2 years older than me), and my uncle decided it was time for him to go through a 'manhood ritual' - he'd see his first prostitute. Me, despite being 13 years old, was very naive at the time, and upon this event, haven't had no intimate contact with any girl, especially kissing. My father and uncle were both drunk at the day and thought it was a good idea taking us to the nearest brothel.

There, we sat with a prostitute and I was told by my father to touch her. I started touching her knees in a tentative, yet supposedly affectionate way. I was scolded by the lack of sexuality in my touch, with him claiming "That's how I touch your mother! You're supposed to touch her tight and rub them!". I was very uncomfortable with the whole situation. Then, my cousin started sucking her nipples, and I was told to suck them too. Once again, I was uncomfortable and unsure of what I was doing. When we finished, by uncle asked my cousin if he liked it, and he told he did. My father instead, asked her if I did a good job, to which she told him that I did fine, despite my age. Only then, he stroked my hair.

I recall a couple of days later, my cousin and I chatting about the event, with the marked distinction of him excitedly remembering the event, making jokes and such, while I was confused and agreed just because I thought it was the best to do at the time. I resented my father for a long time, claiming that he didn't respected my time, hurriedly putting the cart before the horse. I still refused every sexual/romantic advice he tried to give me from that day on, until we had a heated argument where I told him to stay away from my that part of my life.


I forgave my father for putting me through this as I acknowledged it wasn't thought through, but I still don't feel entirely trusting on him due to this mistake.
 

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I think my instincts can be explained pretty easily. Firstly, I had quite a sheltered childhood and never had to worry about any SP related things. Naturally, as I got older and especially now that I live alone I've noticed how little attention I pay to that area of my life because it was always taken care of for me, I suppose. My mom is heavily SO dominant. She's constantly striving to do better and be better and climb the social hierarchy. She's pretty into status symbols as well and has no problem spending a lot of money on things that look good or are made by a top brand. For example, I currently own a coat from a brand called Hobbs which my mom happily paid for. She's often complaining that we don't have enough money but doesn't mind spending extra on things that will show off wealth, taste or a higher position in the social hierarchy. One of her main goals is to buy this bag and it's something she's wanted for as long as I can remember. I suppose she taught me that material goods and social acceptance are some of the most important things in life. Whether that's a good message or not is debatable but it's certainly a message I've inherited.

My dad, on the other hand, is SO last. My mom can't understand why an intelligent man with a university degree works in a warehouse on minimum wage. She's a bit snobby about it and probably, although she never voices it, resents the fact that he won't get a higher paid job or at least a more fulfilling one. My dad, however, enjoys the minimum responsibility and short work hours because he spends all his spare time pursuing what he wants. I've never met someone who has consumed so many films, books and records. He has an encyclopaedic knowledge on many topics (film, 60s music, British [+ a lot of European] history etc). He is driven to consume and learn and saturate himself in culture. If my SO tendencies come from my Mom, my SX ones are definitely paternal.

Tritype is not so clear cut as this but I can spot some trends that might have brought me here (9 core with a 7 + 2 fix). I have one brother and he as Aspergers Syndrome. He didn't get diagnosed until he was 14 so for a while we just thought he was a naughty child who didn't like it when things didn't go his way etc. With both parents working and often busy I spent many afternoons after school alone. Whilst my Dad was always taking us to parks and museums on weekends, I'd often spend the evenings alone then too. My brother got a hell of a lot more attention than I did. He constantly needed to be watched whereas my parents could just leave me in my room and trust that I'd do homework and entertain myself without causing trouble. This cause a cycle where I tended to be withdrawn and then my parents would expect and encourage this and not try to change this which caused me to be more withdrawn until I spent the majority of my childhood in my room reading. I was very good academically, which is something you couldn't say for my brother. I think I basically learned that my parents paid the most attention to me when I got a good grade or when I achieved something at school so I put a lot of effort in there to get as much attention from them as possible. I was also essentially what one might call a teacher's pet. Teachers have always loved me because I always went out of my way to impress them and put a lot of effort into getting them to like me. My drive for success was so great that I thought I might be a 3 fixer. I don't think I ever really wanted to be admired though; I just wanted to be liked. I think this could also explain the core 9 (withdrawn people pleaser) and the 1 wing (drive for perfection).
 

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I was actually thinking about this topic and I asked my mom the other day about what I was like as a child. She says that when I was younger I was an incredibly happy, albeit dreamy, child (I'd do things like leave my winter coat in stores--definitely not SP-first in instincts), as well as complacent (a common theme among type 9s). She says that I was like that up until I reached school age, when I started to assert myself a lot more (which is why I'm starting to reconsider my wing). Still, I had a fussy, perfectionist streak in me as well.

My childhood itself was incredibly stress-free and fairly happy, which I think led to that sense of complacency. My mom is an ESFJ type 1w2 with a very strong personality and she over-protected us a lot, so it was a lot easier growing up for me to just go along with things. It was easier to have decisions made for me than to actually have to express an opinion on something. I'm not sure about my dad's type, but I'm guessing that he's got some 9w1 influence in there as well. As for instincts it's hard to know what mine are because I have a preoccupation with all three, but I was definitely raised in a very SO-SP atmosphere.
 

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My childhood was for the most part pretty nice and I miss it often. :tongue: Although I was pretty awkward, weird and not very good in school, and got picked on between ages 11-15. I also felt people got mad easily when I made mistakes (which happened a lot). :bored: I guess that could be why I have some trouble asserting myself and can be perfectionistic. Also, I was kind of convinced that I was going to be ~forever alone~ so I resigned myself to that.

I guess I was a bit spoiled. My mom could be pretty indulgent, while my grandma was more strict (but she was nice too). I didn't have a lot of friends, but I had fun on my own for the most part. I was fairly calm and quiet.

So yeah, I don't know.
 

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My dad has 5 wives and 9 kids. My mom was the first and she got divorced and moved out after he became abusive. The second wife also moved out leaving the 3 wives to live and work for my dad. We all lived together in one big house. A LOT of drama going on in my childhood. I hated it. My dad was always busy with his business, never had time to focus on his children. He provided us with money and zero affection. He can't even remember anyone's birthday. I was often abused by the 3rd and 5th wives. I became a quiet and studious kid. I don't know if this childhood experience contributed to me being a 4w5 or I was born this way. I really can't tell since I hardly remember anything but abuse from my childhood (tendency to focus on negative experience).

I came from Thailand btw and polygamy is quite a norm although in my experience, I have not found a single person on earth that has a childhood like mine.
 

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Interesting thread idea. I was a very angry and temperamental child. My older brother tormented me, making fun of me and annoying me on purpose, and I remember often yelling at him ("Stop it!") or trying to hit him (with pillows). But somehow we were also friends and played video games together and I even remember thinking we got along well. As we grew older the tormenting stopped and I mostly forgot my anger.

My dad was very critical and yelled at me a lot. When he didn't give clear enough instructions, it was always my fault for not understanding. It was impossible to argue with him or convince him that he was wrong. Furthermore, whenever I got in trouble for something he would always explain why he was right and I was wrong, which made it hard for me to really blame him. I remember being frustrated because I wanted to stay mad at him, but my anger would always dissipate after a short time.

I also remember a time when I was telling my dad about how well I did on a test that the other students found really difficult, and his response was "Ever heard of humility?" I walked away, a bit confused, and decided that as much as I wanted to, it's not okay to show off or talk about my achievements. Thus 3 became my soul child.

My avoidance of unpleasantness probably began with yard work. My dad had these "projects" he made the whole family help with. What I remember is having to spend hours working outside pulling weeds, hauling heavy bricks, digging holes, etc. while being yelled at for moving too slowly or not looking happy. I absolutely hated it and wanted to avoid it as much as possible. I would stay in bed pretending to still be asleep, not daring to leave my room lest they notice my presence and tell me to come outside and work.

And getting lost in video games also aided in the development of sloth, I'm sure. Video games gave me something I could immerse myself in whenever I needed something to do. It became habitual. But my parents complained that I played too much video games and if they saw me playing them enough times within a short period, they would take them away for a while. So I learned to appease my parents. To pretend to do what they wanted while secretly doing my own thing. I would hide my Gameboy and grab a book whenever my mom came near my room.

Because they seemed to want to change me, to make me stop living my life the way I wanted and instead live the way they thought was best, I felt that my parents didn't really love me for who I was. Their love and approval was conditional. But I wasn't willing to change for them. I was--and still am--quite stubborn in that regard.

Both my parents are likely the sp variant, and they passed on their sp values to me. They were always emphasizing safety and caution. Being careful with spending and looking for sales and special deals. Buying things used rather than new. I think it makes a lot of sense that I became an sp-dom.
 

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Thinking back, I was a typical INTJ type 9 child, albeit a very sensitive one (so much so that I mistook myself for an INFP type 9 back then when I was 15). From a young age, I would think of what is wrong with the world, and think of a solution of how to solve it. (type 2) I often withdrew into my inner world, and when I started kindergarten and school, I completely stopped talking for three whole years (mainly because I was being bullied and I don't feel comfortable exposing this to anybody) that people actually thought that I was a mute. I think I remembered a few kids looking absolutely shocked when I finally spoke. I was always observing people and things, though, and people often commented that I was way more mature for my age until this day.

I was always very insistent on something once I want it badly enough (type 3w2), until when I was around 10 or 11, when life has started bringing me down. I became quite disappointed with life from age 10-18, and generally I was very demotivated in everything, since I have given up hope on myself (unhealthy 1w2). I wanted to be everybody except myself (unhealthy 1w2), just so that people would like me.

It was only last year, when I begin to mature, that I begin to buck up and stop giving up on myself and become more of a type 6. I still get constant setbacks, but I kept fighting on while trying to be humourous about it (type 7). Currently, I am at the end of my adolescence and getting the first taste of the adult's world. I still do feel tired after fighting on for too long, and I am aware that I am mature way beyond my age, so I am hoping that somebody will understand me.
 

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Great thread topic. I've talked about this in detail elsewhere. So, I'll share the post here. I'll elaborate more on the instincts stuff later.

As for me, with being guarded, I grew up in an abusive environment. Sharing anything other than news of my latest academic / extra-curricular "conquest" was unwelcome. Sharing a problem or concern was a no-go zone. My mother had a bunch of mental illnesses, and while she was (when on meds, at least) fully capable of functioning in the outside world, she often shut me out saying I was causing her "anxiety". When I was a kid, she outright burnt and beat me if I ever cried around her because it was "inauspicious" (rofl) and made her "anxious". She would just go into this fearful nervous fit of rage. She was completely out of control, extremely violent. I didn't even cry when my father died. I was around 10 at the time. Much of my life has been a power struggle between my mother and I. I never saw her as anything other than a crazy and lame excuse of a 'parent' whose sole purpose was supplying money for my education and providing shelter, which we later lost as poverty, war and other things struck. I was the authority figure, and I filled that role exceedingly well. It came naturally to me. I was the parent, and she was the child. I took on adult responsibilities at a very young age, and I handled them and everything else I touched, extremely proficiently. No wonder people bitch and moan about my "instructional" talking style lol.

My father was my nurturing figure. After his passing, the house became a constant war zone where the smallest hint of sadness/emotion became a pretext for abuse when I was younger and major clashes as I got older. It was almost as if there was a contest between my mother and I---who could be crueler? LOL. Even when my father was alive, it's like the only emotions I felt were anger and love (for my dad and lol for puppies and small animals, poor kids). The love part, for poor kids and animals, has to do with being raised with good values and being actively taught the importance of compassion. My dad humanized me to a large degree. So obviously, when the shit hit the fan with my mother going crazy and staying crazy, the overriding emotion I felt was anger..fury. There were those rare occasions when I felt so utterly deprived (of affection, nurturance, admiration, love, kindness) after my dad's death that it was as though I were starving, pacing the house like a caged hungry animal. I'd talk to his photo on the wall, and cry when I was alone. I hated it because it made me feel so human, so ..not invincible. More than that, I hated it because it was so painful to get in touch with all the agony inside. Generally, I tended to run in the opposite direction to drown out the grief with anger and pleasure (still a running theme in my life). This crying deal used to happen once in several years, btw.

With this background in mind, I'd say that I am emotionally guarded. Emotional pain and failure are my two fears, basically. I don't want to drop my guard before someone and not have them honour my emotional states the way they deserve to be honoured. I don't have a conscious fear of being emotionally abused, because I am a grown up and can tell an abuser from a non-abuser. I just want my emotions to be respected, understood and accepted no matter what they may be--anger, grief, affection, disappointment or whatever.

I don't like crying before people, because not only am I uncomfortable with displaying vulnerability because I don't like to be the type to make a public brouhaha over personal issues, I also don't expect them to know how to respectfully treat my 'feelings' when I am in this state of mind. People may not actively hurt me, but they often tend to be taken aback or feel weirded out which just makes me feel even more agitated about ever having bothered with letting the emotional guard down.

As for sharing, I can be self-revealing in anonymous settings. In person, I can be very self-revealing with my partner after I decide that I am comfortable showing them that glorious scarred grotesqueness and all the dark nasty furious disturbing sides of myself as well as the 'soft' and I guess sensitive side that mostly comes out when a puppy is in sight (it's ridiculous but i am known to have to hold back tears when i have a small animal in my hands or when i have i hold a poor child in my arms) or when someone has been very kind to me. So, this total revelation mostly takes place around partners. I don't expect kindness because, more than anything else, I've been exposed to cruelty, abuse and violence. When someone is cruel to me, it doesn't affect me much. But when someone is kind to me, it's touching. I tend to open up to such people (healthy 2s tend to really make me open up to them, and i feel all cozy around them lol) I am likely to share more openly with those that are responsive, respectful and mature.

Now, as for lying or holding back on information, of course I do that often when strategically sound (at work etc.). I don't spill my guts out before anyone and everyone. A bit like Sx firsts, I have this attraction-revulsion thing going where I can immediately sense who is worth opening up to. There's that big old SP wall, among other things I touched on, that effectively blocks out too many "spilling my heart out" episodes from materializing lol. Though, there are certain parts that are reserved for my partner, parts of me that no one else is allowed to reach/touch.

Also, many times when I "open up" (most of the time, in fact), I can share a lot but still do it selectively and only share what I find important to my specific goal---be it impressing an audience / winning the admiration of an individual or, on some occasions, getting someone to open up to me if they're uncomfortable.

I was reading something about sp/sx that really resonated with me. It might make sense to some of you ( ignore the 'cancerous lesions' part lol):-

Sp/Sx also has an inverted narcissism (perhaps distorted exhibitionism is more accurate --- (This is the perfect description of my selective sharing nature). There's an impulse to open the raincoat and reveal cancerous lesions and festering wounds covering the torso. It sometimes seems to be a challenge issued around deep, deep bonding: This is me; How real are you willing to be? Psychic nudity/revelation that, in itself, threatens the sp/sx with self-destruction....or at least social self-destruction, which is part of the distilling process toward the one-to-one uber-bond. There's an element of all that with sx in general but sp/sx, in this mode, prefers it truly organically grotesque, leaving a stain and a scar that's hard to interpret.

Deep bonding is rare, and so is completely honest, unfiltered self-revelation, and only takes place with a select few, usually those who can take the brutality and likely have their own wounds and scars to flaunt, who take as much honest and robust pride in theirs as I do in mine. It doesn't take place before prissy lil "positivity is the shit" flag bearers. It doesn't take place before those I don't consider veterans at life. I want to see my pride, splendour, drive and resilience mirrored in their eyes.

Lastly, I don't know about having issues but the Sixes here on the forum are an extremely introspective and mature bunch by and large. It's why I frequent the sub-forum whenever I get the chance.

The following post touches upon my upbringing as well. It somewhat touches on why I have SO-ish values, though I am Sp/Sx.


My home environment after a point was too chaotic and pathologically unhealthy to be typed. :laughing:
But, while my father was alive, it was a very healthy 8-2 or 3w2-7 so/sx-ish environment. It was all about optimism, fortitude, resilience, generosity, adventure, self-assertion, uninhibited passions and self-expression. It was about breaking free of any/all socially imposed restrictions, highly individualistic, ambitiousness was encouraged. There was also a lot of stuff about not doing weak things like crying easily LOL. Giving up or being a quitter because things were too 'hard' was unacceptable. Social justice activism and charity (volunteering, leadership) were encouraged at all times. It was a gender-neutral environment. I was free to be who I was--- an assertive, free-spirited, stubborn, dominant, gregarious, aggressive (as long as I didn't act in cruel ways) child. It was a disciplined environment as well. Firm discipline, boundless affection, objective criticism and honest affirmation of qualities that matter (hard work, compassion, interest in intellectual pursuits) defined it.

It was beyond perfect. I was truly blessed to have had that kind of upbringing, even if it lasted just as long as my father was alive. Without this, I would have been some kind of sociopathic criminal, to say the least. I mean it.

As for culture, I spent some time in a culture (my dad's side) that was a martial, justice-oriented environment. This can be described as a cp6ish/8ish or 1w2-ish culture. It impacted me in a major way. The fight for justice, the fight against "tyranny" and restriction of freedoms and human rights violations (ties in with the community's history of persecution), a thriving martial arts tradition, the emphasis on human dignity and equality of all-- sexes, religions, 'races', ethnicities etc., were highly valued by my parents and emphasized at home, so was giving back to society. It has to do with why I am not a stereotypical 3. Achievement wasn't just about 'approval' and 'trophies'. Achievement was incomplete without generosity and countering abuse whenever practical, whether one was personally involved or not. My 3 cousins often compete over who did more pro-bono cases lol.

The other id types I grew up with are more or less social justice oriented, even if they're engineers or make-up artists or doctors or whatever. Whether you're 3/7/8 in that culture, you will tend to get your hackles up where abuse, deprivation and discrimination are involved. You've likely lived it yourself. So, I have a lot of stereotypically cp6ish, 8ish and even One-ish values.
 

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thinking about my childhood made me feel very sad. Sorry, I've changed my mind about sharing. I thought it might be good to articulate my experiences, but I don't think they're of use to anyone else. :(
 

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thinking about my childhood made me feel very sad. Sorry, I've changed my mind about sharing. I thought it might be good to articulate my experiences, but I don't think they're of use to anyone else. :(
No, sharing your experience may be helpful to some of us young 'uns with little life experience. However, if you're uncomfortable, that's all right.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Another point with sharing would be to compare and contrast people's expriences of the same or similar types (core, tritype, instincts). There may be specific patterns that will be revealed over time that we didn't know about and those would be interesting.

Personal revelations, introspection and information is also useful to those who are still struggling to understand themselves because they can use those experiences as a reference point.
 
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I decided to repost what I shared earlier. I can understand how you felt @violetblack


I think my childhood experience had a lot to do with me being SP-dom. So I am writing this in how I think that ties into my life now.

I grew up in a home with domestic violence and there was a lot of anger and rage in our home. My parents fought so much and sometimes those fights got real physical. I did intervene a few times when I was a teenager to try to get them to stop.

My mom was not nurturing and I learned to depend on myself. I also felt more like the parent and I was always watching out for my siblings. A lot of the fights they had happened at night, and I always slept with my bedroom door cracked open and my bed was always close to the door. If something happened while I was sleeping, I wanted to be able to get up quickly and get me and my siblings out of there. And there were times when I had to get us out of there and get us to a neighbors house where it was safe. I still to this day sleep with my bedroom door cracked open and my bed is always close to the door.

I can't even count the number of times my mom left my dad, and I had to start a new school only to end up going back to my dad's a few months later. By the time I was 15, things became worse, and I started to run away from home.

The first time I ran I was caught and they sent me back home. The second time I ran they arrested me and then referred me and my family to a teen runaway center for counseling. I refused to talk so the counseling was discontinued. No one knew what was going on in my home, except for my grandmother and a few neighbors, and I never told anyone. I was just trying to free myself from that life.

And then one day, not long after I turned 16, my mom did something that changed everything. She went to work one morning and she never came back home. There was no warning, no good-bye...nothing. I was crushed because I couldn't believe she would leave me and my siblings behind. I was so mad because she left us, and I was so mad because I wanted out of that life to. She left us there to fend for ourselves. I hated her for the longest time for that.

And things got real bad after she left and my dad's anger went to rage, and he told me and a two of my siblings to get out of his house, so we left. I never went back, my siblings did. I wanted my freedom from that life and I got it. I did became homeless for short time, but I seen no other way out because there was no way I was going back to live with my dad.

So I lived with no security as a child, life was very unpredictable and it became all about protecting myself and my siblings, and I learned to depend on myself. I also fought against what was happening in my life to become free of it.

As an adult, life has been about survival and protecting self/family. I don't like anyone invading my life and I will get aggressive if they invade my territory and won't leave. I am also very protective of those closest to me. Trust does not come easy for me, but I have been able to trust when I felt it was safe to do so. And I do stock basic needs, like food, so that I will never be without if something happened.
 

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- I was born with a temper, but a very big heart. When I was an infant I needed constant attention (also almost died of dehydration before I was 1) but by the time I was 3 or 4 I was relentlessly independent and wanted to do everything myself. My father told me yesterday, "You've been a self-starter since you were 2!!" In other words, going after what I want & stopping at nothing was my basic nature.

- My parents are both brilliant and love to argue. Having power was a huge focus early on - of course, I didn't think about this back then but in retrospect I see how much of my life was shaped by power struggles. Being as smart, similar to me, and powerful as he was, as well as being inspirational, my father ended up shaping my SX instinct, IMO.

- I was tortured in school because of my ethnicity and my brains, and it shaped my view into "most people are out to take advantage of you and bully you and the world is dangerous." I learned to ignore their words (ie , sticks & stones can break my bones but words can never harm me) pretty early on, and even though it made me into a target, I defended disabled or nerdy kids from bullies all through elementary school and onward. I couldn't help myself when I saw someone innocent getting tortured; probably because I saw myself in them, when I was tortured; but I felt I was strong enough to handle it and take the heat for them.

- I have an extreme outsider mentality - I can't go into all of the reasons here as I'd write a novel. I've always been noticeably different. This wasn't some self-image in my head, but rather, something that adults and other kids ALWAYS had some remark about. People asked questions like, "What planet did you come from?" I didn't try to be different but I didn't try to blend in either; I was myself, and that is all.
 
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