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MOTM June 2012
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Some interesting thoughts...

I remember the teacher came up to me, and asked if I wanted to be the star in the nativity play. I said yes and was excited that I was going to be the star of the play, but then I realized she meant the actual star that led the wise men to Christ. :(

I also remember being in alot of talent shows.

Growing up I also remember seeing a clip of Elvis Presley, and he was singing and dancing and all of these girls are screaming and going crazy, and I knew that that's what I wanted to do.

Later on when I was a little older I remember seeing my older cousin play the guitar at family reunions. He got all the attention and everyone clapped and said how well he played. That next summer I made the decision to pick up the guitar.

My guitar teacher really instilled confidence in me because I had no clue what I was doing on guitar but he told me I was playing with natural talent, and the advanced stuff came easy to me.

Also in school, I remember feeling alone, just different from my peers and I kept to myself. I remember vividly watching the other kids play on the playground and I was just standing alone by myself. After I found out my dad was having affairs my grades started to slip, and I started becoming a bad kid, getting into fights, not giving a fuck what people thought. I was never bullied, more so teased, but I wasn;t popular either an I never felt like I fit in.

I retreated into my solitude and my music and I said fuck em, I'm going to be so good at this that I'll blow them all away with my music. As I got older, I shifted that focus to other things, to money, to knowledge, anything to gain an edge on the competition, or my peers. I thought fuck em I'm going to be more successful than this whole damn bunch, and I'll do it my way.

I remember my senior year, one of my teacher's told me on the last day, "You've got 'it' whatever 'it' is you have it and be thankful because not everyone has it. You just need to focus more and hone it." He never told me what "it" was, but I know now.



I think this mix of belief in myself and doubt, this duality of feeling destined for something and at the same time very different and different from others, kind of shaped the 3w4.
 
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I think I'm a 4 because of my mom. I didn't relate to my dad because, well, he wasn't in the household. My parents separated when I was 3, so I don't remember living with him. I saw my mom's behavior as really erratic from a young age - one second screaming and crying and hitting me, the next second the most loving mother ever - and I didn't understand or relate to it at all. I just remember it making me feel like crap and apologizing profusely to her for things I didn't realize weren't my fault. Like at 4 I'd be apologizing for HER hitting ME. I figured I must be a bad egg or something and was very hard on myself and critical. It took me up until my late teens to be able to actually admit to myself that I have a lot of anger towards her. I was kind of the "good child", the mommy's girl (only so I didn't add to the chaos of the household), so I did anything I could to please her and kept my emotions to myself most of the time. While my sister (a One) was busy battling it out with my mom and trying to handle the burden of all the adult issues my mom was placing on (screaming at, rather) her, I was hiding in my room with the door locked. So I think my mom is why I'm a 4 and my sister is a 1. She recognized at a very early age that my mom was unstable and not fit to correctly nurture us, so she became a "little adult" (that's what people used to call her even) way too early. She's resented my mom for soo long. My mom is a great woman, she just should have been medicated.
 

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Much of my life has been a power struggle between my mother and I. I never saw her as anything other than a crazy and lame excuse of a 'parent' whose sole purpose was supplying money for my education and providing shelter, which we later lost as poverty, war and other things struck. I was the authority figure, and I filled that role exceedingly well. It came naturally to me. I was the parent, and she was the child. I took on adult responsibilities at a very young age, and I handled them and everything else I touched, extremely proficiently.
It was almost as if there was a contest between my mother and I---who could be crueler?
That sounds JUST like my sister's view of my mom. (My sister is 1w2, as well.) She was the adult, and my mom was the child. Thanks for sharing :)
 

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That sounds JUST like my sister's view of my mom. (My sister is 1w2, as well.) She was the adult, and my mom was the child. Thanks for sharing :)
That's very unfortunate. Parents shouldn't be insane lil imbeciles who have to be 'parented' (in my case, controlled, restrained and more as though I were handling a crazed fuckin animal) by their very children. I hope that wasn't the reason why your sister had to take on such a role.

I am not a 1w2, btw. But, I do see how it would be easy for a 1w2 to get someone's ass in gear.
 

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That's very unfortunate. Parents shouldn't be insane lil imbeciles who have to be 'parented' (in my case, controlled, restrained and more as though I were handling a crazed fuckin animal) by their very children. I hope that wasn't the reason why your sister had to take on such a role.

I am not a 1w2, btw. But, I do see how it would be easy for a 1w2 to get someone's ass in gear.
First, I apologize for thinking you were 1w2, I don't know where I came up with that. But no, fortunately my mom wasn't too physical. My sister finally got up the nerve to hit my mom back and she never laid a hand on her again. I'm sorry you had to deal with all of that because it sounds like a nightmare.
 
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First, I apologize for thinking you were 1w2, I don't know where I came up with that. But no, fortunately my mom wasn't too physical. My sister finally got up the nerve to hit my mom back and she never laid a hand on her again. I'm sorry you had to deal with all of that because it sounds like a nightmare.
Oh please don't apologize! :D I change my type labels for fun. On that note, I am not a 4w3 either lol. I am glad your sister handed her ass back to her at some point. I did too with my mother, but it was more an issue of my anger building up slowly than gathering nerve to do so. Your sister is certainly a strong woman and must've had a lot of fortitude as a child, too. And my mother was mentally ill, in the worst ways, so she was out of fuckin control. She didn't stop trying to physically attack me; even though, every time she tried, she ended up cornered, overpowered and intensely fearful. You can't reason with insanity.

Anyway, I handled her just fine. My experiences have made me a better person. I don't take love and respect for granted. I value what I have because of how much I've lost:).

Thanks for sharing.
 

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MOTM Nov 2012
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My house was safe and free from fear of physical abuse so I never experienced anxiety or a need to defend myself, it was not acceptable or even possible to be myself though especially as I grew older, there was no way through the resistance so while I had all the hallmark signs of E7ness as a youngster, over time I numbed out and gave up trying, passiveness took over and I was simply unaffected by anything, any expectations, conflict, resistance. I was like a day sleeper. The inner world was the only place I could feel real so I shut myself in there. There was much anger too. I very much believe that my childhood experience is why I developed into a 9.
 
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I don't relate to either of my parents because I didn't meet my dad until I was 16 after I took the initiative to meet that side of the family and because I was switched between taken being care of by maternal grandparents and my mother when I was little. My parents weren't married and my dad ditched my mom when she was pregnant and didn't tell anyone else until I tracked down one of my aunts. My mom was and still is something of an alcoholic. I think it's because of that fact that I decided to live with my grandparents when I was eight and stayed. I guess I saw my grandparents as my real parents instead of my actual parents, making me feel like I wasn't accepted.

Though I have two much older half-brothers from my dad, I was raised as an only child. I didn't get much exposure to other kids until I was 3. I also learned to read when I was 3 and I think that helped encourage the development of my imagination, along with having to entertain myself a lot of the time.

I think I'm so/sp because I was bullied and excluded in school. I wasn't bullied until 3rd grade, which is when I decided to stay with my grandparents and had to start a new school. I might have tried too hard to fit in or was just too weird for the kids to accept, but I was made fun of and excluded (even to the point where one of the girls in 7th grade told me that no one wanted me around when I was going to go wherever they were going and I didn't follow.) I also mimicked people/characters I looked up to and was accused of copying another girl. This is probably true, though, because it was such a 4 disintegrating to 2 thing to do. I eventually just withdrew into my own little world of books, music, tv, and daydreaming because it was easier to do that than trying to fit in. I'm soc-dom because all I want is to be accepted by my community in some way and sx-last because I grew to think that intensity in a relationship was not worth it if I was going to be ridiculed and rejected.

My suspected tritype is 459, probably because my grandpa had a sharp temper (though I could hold my own at times) and because it was easier for me at both school and home to just go with the flow and not make waves.
 

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7: I was a pretty sick child. I was always in and out of hospitals, missing school days, etc. I knew that I would never really be "Healthy" and that becoming truly happy and fulfilled would require more effort and sacrifice than most children. I always hated that reality, so I denied my sickness as much as possible. My pain tolerance became ridiculous, I kind of lost touch with physical symptoms, I developed health anxiety, and I formed a pretty intense phobia of hospitals, sick people, and old people. :laughing: Of course, I would have to endure those things, so my coping mechanism was to fantasize and distract. Now I absolutely hate people bringing up any vulnerabilities or weaknesses on my part. It's too dramatic for me. It would be fine if people treated it nonchalantly. Now I kind of speak about EVERYTHING nonchalantly, because it's the only thing I'm comfortable with. Also, the fact that I had this sort of rare condition and my life was abnormal etc. led me to believe that I was more special than other people. Now I get uncomfortable if I feel average. :p

3: MY FREAKING BROTHER. Was a big influence on me. He was 8 years older than me, and he's a cp6, and he constantly took out his stress on me. He had a sort of bipolar quality where he would be fine with what I was doing one minute and then the next he would get butthurt and criticize me. I started resenting the fact that he was never happy with anything that I did. :laughing: I dealt with it very passive-aggressively, like I would somehow find a way to slip into the conversation that I wanted to set him on fire. :unsure: Or hang him from a tree and throw rocks at him. On days with no drama whatsoever, when he was in a good mood, some sort of memory or something would pop into my mind and I would just randomly start insulting him. I always wanted revenge against the way he made me feel... I used to fantasize about making him cry rofllll... Yes, many a time was I reminiscent of a horror movie child that would wake up one morning at 2 AM and stab you in your sleep because of something you did to me 4 years ago.

Anyway, I was always advanced for my age because of his influence on me, and the experiences I had gone through that most adults hadn't gone through themselves, and I was very proud of my ~grownup-ness~ so any blow to the ego crushed me. :p

9: Okay so because my brother was like 60% of my focused attention as a child, I was always walking a thin rope because he was so unpredictable and moody. I pretty much just stopped voicing opinions and became a little two-faced douchenozzle who would agree with everything he said and support him 100% while he was in the room, and vent my frustrations by talking crap about him behind his back. Arguing was always a major part of my house, and I didn't like adding on to it, because I felt so good about myself being the only one who didn't flip over dumb things. Also, I saw how fake people could be, and how quick and easy it is for somebody to dislike you, so I was always trying to find a happy medium so that I could appeal to everybody. Something that my brother appreciated was toned down because my mother didn't appreciate it, and something my mother appreciated was something that annoyed my father, and something that annoyed my father was something that was valued by my grandma, and something valued by my grandma was valued my mom, and something valued by my mom was hated by my brother, etc.

I put up with way too much crap as a kid. :rolleyes: I should have been sent Get Well cards once a month for all the crap I had to endure on a daily basis.
 

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NiTe 549
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This is the way I would explain myself so far:

I was immediately estranged from the physical aspect of myself when I was very young because I am transgendered. This put me in a sort of bodily crisis from which I disconnected, bringing about a really rudimentary Ni > Se. I think it also induced a sense of, hence fear of, helplessness, which started to bring about development of both 5 and sp - I also had a role model for type 5, my father, which encouraged me to develop it. Ni 5 was a way, therefore, to achieve mental control over the physical world. But my particular crisis bent me toward w4 rather than w6: I had a big (to me) reason for being disidentified with the world, and grew up constantly trying to figure out what kind of being I was - alien, vampire, foreign creature, agender thing.

I started to develop the "inner observer" really early as well. I have a good mental record of when changes occurred within my mind and how it was to experience them, and I experimented and thought about what I found inside in order to know exactly what I could do with my mind (really, myself). I pursued all this work in a quasi-scientific manner on the inside and only later started to make requisite studies of the outside world, to figure it out in a similar manner, most specifically what the mind's place in it is along with the general interest in how it all works. This is one way that an sx preference can serve sp in a 5: you develop interests that serve your prime (sp) needs and you stick with them, hard, as your chosen attraction and further defense against the world. Strictly speaking I'm not sure how I developed the sx preference, but I can see its effects as a minor neurosis/personal pattern also from a fairly young age.

My entire family, conversely to what they were expecting I bet, only served to hammer the nail in the coffin on my social blindspot. It was seriously a sore spot growing up, and they continued to pick at it like a scab and still, in some sense, do. I didn't know how to make myself socially presentable on their terms, I couldn't fit in with people's norms, I didn't follow social issues or seem to want to contribute back to society, and I'm sure it frustrated them that I didn't seem to try. I didn't know how to try. I just wasn't aware of any of this stuff, and you couldn't make me aware of it in any way that would significantly impact my sense of self, though maybe you could reason with me to 'behave correctly' for a night.

2 fix did not come out to play significantly in my consciousness until I moved away from home. I realized only through social exposure in a foreign country that I actually had some relation to people at all, and as I started to hammer down what it was it became apparent that I was male and I was a teacher. My function with regard to the people I interact with - I offer the knowledge I have found and created. The fix became important as I tried to work through my issue of the family not accepting me for male. I felt for the first time like I had a lot of potential to offer them and their rejection of me as male stood for their rejection of all of it and hence a depreciation of me. So I took my potential and to this day I exercise it elsewhere - I practiced with what friends I had made online and people I clicked with irl and learned how to explain things in a clear, compatible way. I tend to interact most with either fellow thinkers, hence people who offer me sustenance in the arena of 5 core, and/or people who want a textbook that enjoys the act of elaboration, a 5 with a 2 fix.

The 8 fix is an 8w9. I am still getting more purely in touch with this part of myself, because I grew up estranged from my body and my gut. However, it's tended to show up in some way at any point in my life, especially given that 8 is the soul child of 5. It is the underlying passion that informs my thinking, and the drive that makes me seek out challenge, lately physical as well as mental. It informed my anger issues growing up (I would let my anger build until it spilled over in violent ways) and my built-in view of my mind as my territory and need for mental control. It also reminds me that I am, in some respect, animal. Perhaps it will have a more complete tale later.
 

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I know for a fact that my instinctual stacking was the same just after birth as it is now (so assumingly before birth as well) due to the way I behaved as a baby. Also my mum says that she had some personality changes during the time she was pregnant with me, and it reflected well on my stacking too (which is different to her's. I'm a SX/SP and she is a SO/SX).
As an infant I had to always be in my mum's arms, and would cry the house down if anyone else held me, and wouldn't even sleep by myself.
 
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