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Discussion Starter #1
ENFPs rarely do hide their feelings, even if they can be really shy about expressing them directly, they dont seem to be the type to f.e. make themselves fall out of love with someone they have strong feelings for. So, if you as an ENFP are interested in someone romantically but haven't gotten together yet, do you just continue your friend- (or whatever kind of relation-) ship with them and see what it brings or do you decide to friendzone them (where you still care for them but have no interest in being together) to kind of protect yourself because of the irritation and hurt it may cause you? Or is it rather simply based on if you keep an sexual interest in them over the course of your relationship that is essentially important for how you feel about them as a potential "love interest"? (hope I make sense to you lol)
 

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Doesn't it depend on if the relationship grows? Sexual tension builds? Are you saying if the love interest is not interested back, what do ENFPs do? I think this is a question for the males. I personally would try to move on, but it depends on how deep that friendship is. How long have I known them? Those things might come into play.
I was in a band once and our frontman and I kind of fell for each other. I wasn't interested in the long-run with him and I didn't want to hurt us both or our band in the short-run either. So I kept a distance until he dated some "groupies" (hehe, it was a small-time local band) and then tried to date me again and I was ticked off at that point. But see--- I'm a girl--- I can be clear-headed enough to make this decision. I knew he wasn't for me from the beginning even though there were feelings-- deep ones, and all the music was mixed into it which really complicated things-- but not the right guy for me. I know I would have been severely unhappy with him. I've heard guys say they cannot think this way (but who knows?).
 
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Discussion Starter #3
Are you saying if the love interest is not interested back, what do ENFPs do?
Well, kind of, but more like if you're simply unsure of how exactly they feel about you, though after knowing each other for good while.
Would you be like "well, if they didn't make their romantic/sexual interest clear enough yet I refuse to continue to crush on/pursue them." I could see an ENFP doing that, but then again for me that almost seems like forcing yourself to fall out of love, what doesn't seem ENFP-ish to me, I'd think they would prefer to stay true and hold onto their feelings, even if they are painful and irritating. Of course, their feelings may change over time for that person (like losing sexual attraction), but I feel like if thats the case they could just as well be sparked up again.

My question is: Does an ENFP consciously friendzone someone they have feelings for; How easy does it come for one to "decide" to not be romantically interested in someone out of simplicity sake just because they are unsure of what the other person wants?
 

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Well, kind of, but more like if you're simply unsure of how exactly they feel about you, though after knowing each other for good while.
Would you be like "well, if they didn't make their romantic/sexual interest clear enough yet I refuse to continue to crush on/pursue them." I could see an ENFP doing that, but then again for me that almost seems like forcing yourself to fall out of love, what doesn't seem ENFP-ish to me, I'd think they would prefer to stay true and hold onto their feelings, even if they are painful and irritating.
Nope, not really. I hate holding on to painful and irritating feelings so I either suppress them or run away from them... Or hope to adapt.

In terms of 'friendzone' I don't do that. But I have crushed on friends in monogamous relationships and friends of the wrong sexuality... But I guess crushes aren't the same thing? Still, sometimes I'll just think "Maybe... If we're both single" obviously the ones with the wrong sexuality I just have to get over.

But I guess you mean love though? I've not experienced this. I think I have a tendency to be able to hold back when it comes to love... Or I just don't fall in love easily.
 

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in my experience (and to be honest this probably differs from person to person rather than being a specific "type" thing)

- Using words like "amigo/amiga/pal/buddy/bud" at the beginning or end of sentences (despite leading you on at the same friggin' time)
 

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Well, kind of, but more like if you're simply unsure of how exactly they feel about you, though after knowing each other for good while.
Would you be like "well, if they didn't make their romantic/sexual interest clear enough yet I refuse to continue to crush on/pursue them." I could see an ENFP doing that, but then again for me that almost seems like forcing yourself to fall out of love, what doesn't seem ENFP-ish to me, I'd think they would prefer to stay true and hold onto their feelings, even if they are painful and irritating. Of course, their feelings may change over time for that person (like losing sexual attraction), but I feel like if thats the case they could just as well be sparked up again.

My question is: Does an ENFP consciously friendzone someone they have feelings for; How easy does it come for one to "decide" to not be romantically interested in someone out of simplicity sake just because they are unsure of what the other person wants?
Yeah, sort of. But we're not going to be best buddies, I'd keep my distance for the sake of my own sanity. :) It's because I really wouldn't want to hear details from his love/sex life with other people and that kind of stuff, which good friends would share, and I also wouldn't want to be constantly tempted and suffering in his presence because I want him and damn it, I can't have him!

As I wrote in the thread about polyamory , some people (probably Thinking types) would prefer to be absolutely sure someone is right for them even before they get into it, so they'll just keep someone interesting in their radius for many months or years, but that would be a total turn off for me. Firstly, because I wouldn't want to be one of their buddies they consider dating and can't make up their minds about if I'm worth the investment or not (I want the other person to appreciate me and treat me like I'm special to them), and secondly, if nothing is happening for a while and especially if we're becoming good friends, I'd be too scared to get romantic with them as we could mess it all up.

I might like someone romantically and yet friendzone them until they are completely confused and give up on pursuing me (I could be giving mixed signals like I'm totally into them and next moment I'll be talking about other men I'm dating). I'd prefer they didn't give up, but be upfront with me, so we can figure out where we stand, but in reality people are too afraid or don't bother, maybe we're sometimes missing out on something really good. :)
 

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I think because ENFPs are always open to new possibilities, the friendzone is never actually permenant. The Friendzone was where I put all my crushes I was most attracted to but (for whatever reason) wasn't ready to sleep with yet. When I go for someone, I go hard and make sure everything is locked and loaded otherwise I know I'll lose interest before I finish with them. There were a LOT of times in my younger years where I would zone out and fantasize that one of my friendzoned guy friends would stop talking and push me up against a wall and kiss me but they never did so we just stayed friends.

Maybe I'm a nutcase.
 

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But I guess you mean love though? I've not experienced this. I think I have a tendency to be able to hold back when it comes to love... Or I just don't fall in love easily.
I wasn't in love with my husband until after we had been married a few years. I definitely got married for the novelty of the experience... That's the healthy, mature thing to do, right?
 

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I wasn't in love with my husband until after we had been married a few years. I definitely got married for the novelty of the experience... That's the healthy, mature thing to do, right?
Is it? Was that rhetorical?
You're asking the wrong person for an opinion on this.
 

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I've "friend-zoned" at least two people in my life. Both were single guy friends who I knew had crushes on me, but had not verbally expressed them at that point. I friend-zoned them because I knew for a fact that we were not compatible for being anything more than friends, and I did not find them attractive, but also wanted to maintain the friendship.

For me, friend-zoning consisted of ignoring any hinted interest and pretending I didn't notice.

This worked great with the first guy; he either realized I didn't have interest or that we wouldn't work out together, and we were great friends for years afterwards.

The second guy? Not so great. He was extremely emotionally unhealthy (I couldn't see that at the time) and couldn't see that I wasn't interested in him like that. In fact, he thought he saw the opposite. He became codependent and very, very needy and obnoxious. When he finally vocalized his interest in me (I should have confronted it when I saw/suspected it, but again, I didn't really know how to handle it back then), I shot him down, and we stopped talking very soon after.

That "friendship" was disastrous and incredibly draining, but it was also the beginning of me really learning to stand up for myself and tell people to back off when I needed to instead of just letting myself get used and trampled.

For me, friend-zoning hasn't really been about protecting myself from my own unrequited love; it's been about protecting myself from someone else's unrequited love.
 

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For me, friend-zoning hasn't really been about protecting myself from my own unrequited love; it's been about protecting myself from someone else's unrequited love.
..... I.... am....mesmerized...by... your....dancing...spiderman :shocked:

I'm not an ENFP but I also friend-zone people to protect myself from others.

I could still have a crush or fawn over guys that are taken, I use to do it all the time as a young INFJ to my teachers/professors. In fact, it was one of the few times I felt I could express an interest because I knew it would never lead to anything, and so I felt safe enough to express my admiration without having to "back it up" with a date or pursuit LOL
 
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..... I.... am....mesmerized...by... your....dancing...spiderman :shocked:

I'm not an ENFP but I also friend-zone people because it's to protect myself from others.

I could still have a crush or fawn over guys that are taken, I use to do it all the time as a young INFJ to my teachers/professors. In fact, it was one of the few times I felt I could express an interest because I knew it would never lead to anything, and so I felt safe enough to express my admiration without having to "back it up" with a date or pursuit LOL
You are getting very sleepy...


 

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If I'm understanding your question correctly, you're asking if ENFPs would be likely to friendzone someone despite being interested in them? Like, if I was interested in a guy but it wasn't really going anywhere and I wasn't sure if he was into me, I would friendzone him? At least for me personally, the answer is no. I'm married, so that phase of my life is done, but in the past, if I was romantically interested in a friend (and I was single) I always kept that door open.

The only time I've friendzoned guys is when I'm legitimately not romantically interested in them at all.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
If I'm understanding your question correctly, you're asking if ENFPs would be likely to friendzone someone despite being interested in them? Like, if I was interested in a guy but it wasn't really going anywhere and I wasn't sure if he was into me, I would friendzone him?
Yup, that was exactly my question. Thanks for all the insightful posts. :)
But it left me kind of with a bonus question that I'd like to squeeze into this thread; I noticed this ENFP "trend" before and its coming up here again: Why is it that ENFPs feel and care so much and are known to willingly and easily do the "first step" (=iniating conversation, dates, being open, etc) but seem often so hesitant to show the same bravery when it comes down to stuff like just asking their crush out? Its like, unless they've been explicitly told that the other person wants them romantically (or simply makes out with you) they'll just keep daydreaming about but wont take that one step.
I know this to a degree normal and the case for most people no matter their type, but I noticed this especially in NFPs and it seems especially contradictive for the ENFP. ��
 

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Why is it that ENFPs feel and care so much and are known to willingly and easily do the "first step" (=iniating conversation, dates, being open, etc) but seem often so hesitant to show the same bravery when it comes down to stuff like just asking their crush out? Its like, unless they've been explicitly told that the other person wants them romantically (or simply makes out with you) they'll just keep daydreaming about but wont take that one step.
Question... you said ENFPs initiate first steps easily and include dating among them. Then you say they struggle with asking their crush out... can you clarify?

As for why ENFPs might talk to but not ask their crush out: initiating conversation isn't risky and is a good way of gauging interest.

An ENFP could hesitate or falter on the point of asking a crush out for many reasons...

- They haven't had enough time to mull it completely over, pick apart all of the possible outcomes, and decide that they actually want to take action. They might not even be quite sure how they feel about it.
- Daydreaming is easy and safe, doesn't take effort, and above all, allows indefinite possibilities. If the person says no, all the possibilities go poof.
- ENFPs love options and asking the person out could potentially close doors - not just with other people they could date, but life doors.
- They may like the person, but aren't convinced they are actually someone they want to date or get seriously involved with.

There are a lot of other reasons an ENFP might not ask their crush out.
 

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Yup, that was exactly my question. Thanks for all the insightful posts. :)
But it left me kind of with a bonus question that I'd like to squeeze into this thread; I noticed this ENFP "trend" before and its coming up here again: Why is it that ENFPs feel and care so much and are known to willingly and easily do the "first step" (=iniating conversation, dates, being open, etc) but seem often so hesitant to show the same bravery when it comes down to stuff like just asking their crush out? Its like, unless they've been explicitly told that the other person wants them romantically (or simply makes out with you) they'll just keep daydreaming about but wont take that one step.
I know this to a degree normal and the case for most people no matter their type, but I noticed this especially in NFPs and it seems especially contradictive for the ENFP. ��
I've always made the first move so I can't relate.

Coming from an INFJ though makes me curious. Do you not relate to hiding your feelings for someone?
 
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Discussion Starter #17
Question... you said ENFPs initiate first steps easily and include dating among them. Then you say they struggle with asking their crush out... can you clarify?
Well, obviously I didn't mean dating as in "okay we're a couple and dating now"-way. I basically meant being able to f.e. just text somebody they want to do something with without overthinking much about it (what I guess is dom-Ne: just exploring those possibilites). You see?

- ENFPs love options and asking the person out could potentially close doors - not just with other people they could date, but life doors.
See thats exactly whats confusing me again lol.
If you feel for somebody why not jump into it and risk that door closing. If you're so afraid of that door closing you should be aware that you waiting can close that door just as well, just with the difference you can never say "atleast I tried it". This just seems so unintuitive and un-ENFPish to me I dunno... ://


Coming from an INFJ though makes me curious. Do you not relate to hiding your feelings for someone?
I certainly do, and like I mentioned, I'm sure everybody does. I daydream to death but I still try to make sure to follow it up with real life action. I may not show the full range of my true feelings but will try to make sure you'll atleast know I truly care for you if I do.
 

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See thats exactly whats confusing me again lol.
If you feel for somebody why not jump into it and risk that door closing. If you're so afraid of that door closing you should be aware that you waiting can close that door just as well, just with the difference you can never say "atleast I tried it". This just seems so unintuitive and un-ENFPish to me I dunno... ://
This was something that I had to realise and learn and not necessarily something which I automatically understood. Once I did realise that I practically live by the "at least I tried" approach. (Still a flawed concept, still leaves me with regrets.)

But we aren't immune to over thinking things. And yes, I would agree that it is very "un-ENFPish" because at least at these points I never truly feel like myself. We can fall into the rabbit hole of trying to predict the future as a Ni-dom would but because of our nature being Ne it is often too contradictory to settle on any one idea of what the future may be and so we get trapped in this eternal limbo. It's not the most healthiest position to get trapped in but we still try to imagine what could happen regardless if we are in a healthy state or not.

To be honest, leading in comfortably without over thinking about the possibilities sounds like something more natural to an ESFP. Ne doesn't make the decisions for us, Fi and Te do. So when an ENFP gets into a kind of paralytic state then it's because these two functions have failed to answer things for them.
 

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An ENFP could hesitate or falter on the point of asking a crush out for many reasons...

- They haven't had enough time to mull it completely over, pick apart all of the possible outcomes, and decide that they actually want to take action. They might not even be quite sure how they feel about it.
- Daydreaming is easy and safe, doesn't take effort, and above all, allows indefinite possibilities. If the person says no, all the possibilities go poof.
- ENFPs love options and asking the person out could potentially close doors - not just with other people they could date, but life doors.
- They may like the person, but aren't convinced they are actually someone they want to date or get seriously involved with.

There are a lot of other reasons an ENFP might not ask their crush out.
So spot on!
@Lenny97, I'll elaborate on the not being sure how we feel about it part as a factor. That uncertainty hasn't been much of a factor for me when I was younger. I used to try things out and didn't scare easily (unless relationships were getting serious). Over time, though, I realized two things that made this a factor:

1. When I jump into something I'm not sure about and then try to get out, I often hurt other people. -> I didn't want to be reckless anymore, hurting others is against my values. I knew you can never be 100% sure things will work out, but I wanted to be sure enough before I get into something with another person.

2. Only because I'm head over heels for someone, feeling like this is the most amazing connection I've ever had in my life and this is just the most out-of-this-world romance that's ever happened in real life doesn't mean I'll still feel like that a month later. Especially if I "consume" the relationship I snap out of it even faster (I don't mean sex at all, but confirming our feelings to each other, dating, kissing, etc.). -> Even though our imagination is extraordinary, when we don't have the experience, anything can seem big because we can only compare it to nothing/smaller things and boy, the chemical madness when you're a teenager on top! Raw emotion can't be trusted on its own, you also need facts like e.g. actually getting to know the person. :D

Maturity made me more fearful. I'd hesitate more before I get into a relationship, because even though I might have strong feelings in the beginning, I know they aren't enough, so I need more data and more depth for my Fi+Te process (as described by @FallingFoxes) to happen. Which can take months. To speed up the process, I'd need regular contact through which to make my observations, but also to actually experience the other person (observations from distance aren't cutting it for me, they don't bring me enough valuable info).

If we are openly dating, you might disrupt my process by trying to control the speed (could be too fast for you) and especially if you want to date other people in parallel (in case that's your process), you don't want to invest the time in that regular contact. But see, without it, I really can't do my thing and on top, my enthusiasm will probably be affected when you don't respond with the same openness, all that will eventually turn me off. Or maybe your speed is even higher, then that would overwhelm me, because I'd feel the responsibility to respond to your certainty and I really can't do it that quickly. That speed will start closing doors/options around me too quickly and I could freak out because I'd feel trapped in a place I'm not sure I want to be in!

If we're attracted to each other, but pretending to be friends, because it's safer, if I'm not sure you're interested in me romantically (especially if in your attempts to keep it cool, you're talking about other girls with me), I'd probably friendzone you over time. As I wrote earlier, if nothing is happening for a while and especially if we're becoming good friends, at some point I'd be too scared to get romantic with you as we could mess it all up. My concern about not hurting the other person is even greater when I care about that person (because we've become friends, the stakes are higher). So spending too much time in the friend zone could kill the whole thing.

If we haven't labeled our hangouts as "dating", but we're also not being too friendly with each other (which would "label" us as friends) and I'm getting enough hints you're interested in me romantically, but you want to get to know me better before we label anything, that's the best possible scenario in my mind. :)
 

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See thats exactly whats confusing me again lol.
If you feel for somebody why not jump into it and risk that door closing. If you're so afraid of that door closing you should be aware that you waiting can close that door just as well, just with the difference you can never say "atleast I tried it". This just seems so unintuitive and un-ENFPish to me I dunno... ://
ENFPs do jump into things, but sometimes they spend a loooot of time looking over the edge before they do. It's not even necessarily out of fear.

For example, ENFPs love a blank canvas because it's full of endless possibilities; if they draw on the canvas even the tiniest bit, that means the canvas has a direction now. It will never be blank again, it will never have the possibilities it once had. If the ENFP doesn't have the energy to finish the painting they have started, it will sit unfinished indefinitely and weigh on them.

If, however, they have the blank canvas lying around, unused, with no plans for it (yet), and someone sets it near a leaky window and it gets wet and has mold on it, the ENFP loses the canvas - but it wasn't necessarily directly their fault. ENFPs handle the natural death of opportunities via neglect better than the weight of procrastinating or responsibility.

This was something that I had to realise and learn and not necessarily something which I automatically understood. Once I did realise that I practically live by the "at least I tried" approach. (Still a flawed concept, still leaves me with regrets.)

But we aren't immune to over thinking things. And yes, I would agree that it is very "un-ENFPish" because at least at these points I never truly feel like myself. We can fall into the rabbit hole of trying to predict the future as a Ni-dom would but because of our nature being Ne it is often too contradictory to settle on any one idea of what the future may be and so we get trapped in this eternal limbo. It's not the most healthiest position to get trapped in but we still try to imagine what could happen regardless if we are in a healthy state or not.

To be honest, leading in comfortably without over thinking about the possibilities sounds like something more natural to an ESFP. Ne doesn't make the decisions for us, Fi and Te do. So when an ENFP gets into a kind of paralytic state then it's because these two functions have failed to answer things for them.
^^^ This guy.
 
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