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My ENTP male friend starts relationships very easily. And every girl he has been with so far he professes that he has really loved and has been true to. Until he breaks it up, which happens very rapidly as well. Problem is that none of these relationships last very long. The girls tend to develop feelings for him and then some months later he breaks it off. Recently he has confided in me that all of this is making him sick. It is making him hate himself to the point that he is seriously thinking of never having a relationship again but casual sex offers no consolation either. As a result he feels trapped. He has been much less cheerful and outgoing lately and is playing a lot of computer games so I am feeling concerned for him.

Can you guys and gals describe to me how you generally start relationships? Do you just suddenly develop emotions and follow through with them without thinking? Or do you generally reason yourself into it and then suddenly emotions prop up? How do you court/woo people you fall in love with? What are you looking for and does it help any to take this process slower? What exactly do you feel at the beginning and at the end?

What qualities have you found in people with whom you stayed together at least couple of years?

From what I read about ENTPs this can be a general problem for this personality type. Is there anything I can advise him that would help him overcome it? Any special approach to relationships that he can adopt?
 

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Let's see. . . how does it start?

I find someone I can talk to who finds me amusing and has interesting things to say. If I feel she's able to teach me something we tend to get close very quickly. It's mainly mental at that point. I want to absorb everything she knows. I am pleased when I am sharing my knowledge with her and she appreciates it. This is very exciting.

After a while the emotional part starts showing. I feel a lack when she's not around. I find out she feels it too. Affection grows. Usually the sex starts too.

The conversation needs to keep going. If the conversation stops it gets boring really quickly.

Then at some point she starts needing me to have an emotional response that's not there in the way she expects it to be. I am either not jealous enough or angry enough or passionate enough or whatever. That's when her disrespect and my dismay starts.

Eventually it gets to be work just being together. We aren't getting what we need from each other. She wants to control me in some way that won't make me happy. I want her to drive the conversation forward.

So we drift apart.

It used to seem tragic, but now it's just like . . . meh . . . NEXT!!!
 

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Can you guys and gals describe to me how you generally start relationships?

I think I need a more specific question? But I'll try my best. I'm generally very curious about the person and trying to figure out everything about them. I want to spend lots of time with them and very little annoys me about them, even if something in the back of my brain is telling me it might in the future.

Do you just suddenly develop emotions and follow through with them without thinking?

Pretty much. But I have a strong dislike for most people, so when someone catches my interest and then holds it, not only am I shocked, but I'm purdy excited about it. It's a rare thing, I don't just swoon over every fine piece of ass I meet.

Or do you generally reason yourself into it and then suddenly emotions prop up?

If I see something that could be a potential problem, and I mean a big problem, then yes.

How do you court/woo people you fall in love with?

I'm a pretty big flirt and I drop hints like crazy. If they don't respond to my hints as I desire, I switch to being upfront. I think.

What are you looking for and does it help any to take this process slower?

Unlike most people, I don't have this long specific list. There are things I like, but I pretty much just need the person to be intelligent, unique, and funny. The unique part cuts a lot of people out. And yes, the handful of times I've stepped back and thought about it, it was actually better, I could see things more clearly, but... I don't like doing it lol.

What exactly do you feel at the beginning and at the end?


In beginning I'm like a puppy who hasn't seen their owner in months... on the inside lol. To the person I a pretty calm, collected person. In the end I have no particular feelings, usually. Unless they fucked me over, I'm pretty much just done, no after thoughts, I'm on to the next thing.

What qualities have you found in people with whom you stayed together at least couple of years?

It wasn't his qualities that kept us together, I don't think. Of course I liked his qualities, but I think it came down to the fact that we couldn't see each other as often as we wanted. That and we had to sneak around, so it was challenging.
 

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Eventually it gets to be work just being together. We aren't getting what we need from each other. She wants to control me in some way that won't make me happy. I want her to drive the conversation forward.
He did say something about them being too needy and also too bullheaded and boring. Sometimes he dumps girls over very slight reasons, down to "her teeth were crooked and nose too long" so I ask "why did you start dating her in the first place?" then he goes "umm...." and switches subject. May be he is just coming up with excuses because he cannot explain the real reason with words very well. It is just amazing to me that he doesn't he see that the girl will not be a good match for him beforehand. May be he can do better at breaking up part so that there are less hard feelings after. I ask him why he feels bad for dumping them if his reasons are so slight. He says he feels responsible for those whom he has made to love him.

It wasn't his qualities that kept us together, I don't think. Of course I liked his qualities, but I think it came down to the fact that we couldn't see each other as often as we wanted. That and we had to sneak around, so it was challenging.
So not being able to see each other often helps? I'll suggest a long-distance relationship with somebody who doesn't speak english very well :crazy:
 

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Not long distance, though! We were in the same town, we just couldn't go to the park like we wanted.So we either planned long trips some where, or met somewhere later in the day. So we would see each other... weekly, I would say.
 

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My ENTP male friend starts relationships very easily. And every girl he has been with so far he professes that he has really loved and has been true to. Until he breaks it up, which happens very rapidly as well. Problem is that none of these relationships last very long. The girls tend to develop feelings for him and then some months later he breaks it off. Recently he has confided in me that all of this is making him sick. It is making him hate himself to the point that he is seriously thinking of never having a relationship again but casual sex offers no consolation either. As a result he feels trapped. He has been much less cheerful and outgoing lately and is playing a lot of computer games so I am feeling concerned for him.

Can you guys and gals describe to me how you generally start relationships? Do you just suddenly develop emotions and follow through with them without thinking? Or do you generally reason yourself into it and then suddenly emotions prop up? How do you court/woo people you fall in love with? What are you looking for and does it help any to take this process slower? What exactly do you feel at the beginning and at the end?

What qualities have you found in people with whom you stayed together at least couple of years?

From what I read about ENTPs this can be a general problem for this personality type. Is there anything I can advise him that would help him overcome it? Any special approach to relationships that he can adopt?
I don't have any solid advice to be honest, but I will say that relationships work best for me when I am with someone who has tenacity. One of my close ENTP girlfriends also agrees. In the 10 months I have been with my SO I have broken up with him 8 times! It wasn't that I suddenly stopped caring for him, but the thing about ENTPs is we will walk away rather than deal with our feelings. It just seems easier and more efficient.

My SO and I actually have a great relationship, but the reason we have stayed together is because of him. As I progress through the relationship I am becoming more committed -- this is also the case with my friend who has been with her SO for 20 years. It has taken me 43 years to find the right guy and my ISTP partner would say the same thing.

It's so complicated to explain why ENTPs do this. Maybe another ENTP will be able to provide a more detailed and articulate answer.

Cheers,
GQ
 

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He's a young man, right? He just isn't ready, perhaps. There's no hurry.

Apart from that, I do think that what every ENTP needs is a mind-mate. To find a mind-mate (needs to be NT or NF for me but I see an ISTP mate above and that works, Ti is a good friend....) who is the same age, has the same social values, is physically attractive to you, plays the dance the right way: you know, doesn't advance too fast or stay too far apart....that's difficult. Not many of the right kind out there. He needs time, patience, to relax....and probably to have his well-meaning friends just support him instead of trying to fix him.....

Just read your post again though. This...

He says he feels responsible for those whom he has made to love him.
You sure you shouldn't be over in the ENFP forum asking for advice?
 

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My ENTP male friend starts relationships very easily. And every girl he has been with so far he professes that he has really loved and has been true to. Until he breaks it up, which happens very rapidly as well. Problem is that none of these relationships last very long. The girls tend to develop feelings for him and then some months later he breaks it off. Recently he has confided in me that all of this is making him sick. It is making him hate himself to the point that he is seriously thinking of never having a relationship again but casual sex offers no consolation either. As a result he feels trapped. He has been much less cheerful and outgoing lately and is playing a lot of computer games so I am feeling concerned for him.

Can you guys and gals describe to me how you generally start relationships? Do you just suddenly develop emotions and follow through with them without thinking? Or do you generally reason yourself into it and then suddenly emotions prop up? How do you court/woo people you fall in love with? What are you looking for and does it help any to take this process slower? What exactly do you feel at the beginning and at the end?

What qualities have you found in people with whom you stayed together at least couple of years?

From what I read about ENTPs this can be a general problem for this personality type. Is there anything I can advise him that would help him overcome it? Any special approach to relationships that he can adopt?
I fall for someone so so quickly. I don't really even have to know them all that well, which I think is a problem. I just get so excited that I've found someone I can connect with that I don't want to let them out of my sight. I hold myself back, of course, but in my mind I'm incredibly involved. My imagination takes me far into what our future could potentially look like, and it's the future that I fixate on. I will overlook flaws that I see in another person because I really don't care at that point. Even if it's something that should set warning bells off, I can just rationalize it away. (Minor warning bells, not huge ones like abusive tendencies) As it stands, my longest relationship has been about a month (though I'm only 19, so it's not really that bad). It's usually an intense few weeks, though.

I court women by showing off my sense of humor and being silly with them. If I don't think my advances are being picked up on, I will resort to being forward. I'm looking for someone who will accept me and share my love for imagination and philosophy. Basically someone who I can easily talk to for hours. In the beginning, I have a massive explosion of feelings that leave my absolutely giddy. At the end, if I didn't want it to end, I take it pretty hard. No one would know this on the surface, as I'm very good at hiding it. But I do take quite some time to heal. I'd say playing video games is a pretty typical coping method. It's "mindless" in that you don't have to think about what's really going on in your life. You can escape.

Casual sex has never really been my thing. I either manage to hook up with someone who I shouldn't (ie a friend, who thinks it's more than it really was) or I end up regretting it. I'd rather spend the time getting to know someone.

You sure you shouldn't be over in the ENFP forum asking for advice?
I always feel shitty after breaking someone's heart. No matter how gentle I was in breaking it off or confident that I was doing the right thing, there's a part of me that just doesn't like to cause anyone pain. Especially when the other person seems to still be hurt when I see them some time after the fact. There's nothing I can really do at that point to make it better.
 

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My ENTP male friend starts relationships very easily. And every girl he has been with so far he professes that he has really loved and has been true to. Until he breaks it up, which happens very rapidly as well. Problem is that none of these relationships last very long. The girls tend to develop feelings for him and then some months later he breaks it off. Recently he has confided in me that all of this is making him sick. It is making him hate himself to the point that he is seriously thinking of never having a relationship again but casual sex offers no consolation either. As a result he feels trapped. He has been much less cheerful and outgoing lately and is playing a lot of computer games so I am feeling concerned for him.

Can you guys and gals describe to me how you generally start relationships? Do you just suddenly develop emotions and follow through with them without thinking? Or do you generally reason yourself into it and then suddenly emotions prop up? How do you court/woo people you fall in love with? What are you looking for and does it help any to take this process slower? What exactly do you feel at the beginning and at the end?

What qualities have you found in people with whom you stayed together at least couple of years?

From what I read about ENTPs this can be a general problem for this personality type. Is there anything I can advise him that would help him overcome it? Any special approach to relationships that he can adopt?
I'm not an ENTP, so I can't give any solid advice, but I'm noticed trends in this thread that are similar to my experience with an ENTP (and also simply trends in personality traits that make ENTPs and INFJs similar).

We both are friends with an ESFP who seemed to set us up, though I didn't notice or care too much until one morning when I hung out with this ENTP on memorial day and was so intrigued by his crazy humor.... and he seemed to like how not only would I find it amusing, but I would run with it to make it sound more crazy.

This ENTP and I ended up talking and he called me a few times in June, even though I certainly noticed some hesitation on his end with how much he was going to talk to me. However, I was hesitant as well because I did not know where this was going and how it was going to work.
Though I did sense the hesitation, it still did not seem to cause him to stop his flirting, intriguing conversations, and comments that would make me blush. It was just felt like an easy connection based off of having the same underlying motives and approach to the world.
And some of the conversations where like mind-sex I swear... I've talked with INTJs and ENTJs, but nothing quite like that before.

Despite the fact that we were/are crazily busy and, in all reality, are not capable of being in a happy relationship right now given the circumstances, we both still overlooked it and wanted to see each other.
So we hung out the 4th of July weekend... and, well, hooked up. It was wonderful to say the least and at the time we were both just in "awe" over each other. He way he'd look at me was priceless and I don't remember the last time I felt butterflies like that. He was also very attentive to everything I had to say -- perhaps that is something I am not used to in my past relationships and hence why I noticed that right away.

In the moment, he was all gun-ho on the idea that everything will work out, though I intuitively felt some reluctance that maybe even he at the time was not aware of yet.

That week after he went back to work 2 states away, he called me to explain why he hadn't called me or messaged me much since the past weekend (since he and our ESFP friend told me that he's the type that is either in or out and don't mess around). Told me how realistically he felt that he was not able to be in a successful relationship right now considering how often he is traveling for work, how many hours he's been putting in (14 hour days), and how he does not have much time to come home. From a realistic standpoint, we'd never see each other and based on his past experience it sounded like the long distance thing has never worked for him. Plus, of course, he is a young ENTP and commented on how he simply wants to explore and be free right now and seemed to console me in saying how he will grow up some day.

We have talked a bit since then. He won't respond to ALL of my attempts, but I've noticed that he picks and chooses based on importance and timing. Intuitively, I sense that he just does not want to respond to too much or let the conversation get too personal or intimate because he wants to play it safe so emotions don't get tied in more.

From talking with him, I've noticed he does not want to just sleep around, as it does not do much for him -- and he agrees and understands my comment that meaningless sex gets old and is pointless. He also commented during conversation how the "story of his life" is being in relationships where he feels he has to be a counselor for him, rather than an equal. Which is funny because I have felt the same way.

The one day a week or two ago we got talking about exes and breakups and I commented on how I never broke up with anybody because for some reason I always had this hope that things would change and I did not want to give up hope on that person. He commented how it was the most difficult thing he had to do to break up with someone, but he said when the reality sets in that there is no progress he had to do it.
So no, that's probably not just ENFPs that think that its difficult.


Not quite sure if you gain anymore insight from that because I have not actually dated him nor have I really gotten him talking about his past relationships (he will just give me general info), but it is something.
 

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Let's see. . . how does it start?

I find someone I can talk to who finds me amusing and has interesting things to say. If I feel she's able to teach me something we tend to get close very quickly. It's mainly mental at that point. I want to absorb everything she knows. I am pleased when I am sharing my knowledge with her and she appreciates it. This is very exciting.

After a while the emotional part starts showing. I feel a lack when she's not around. I find out she feels it too. Affection grows. Usually the sex starts too.

The conversation needs to keep going. If the conversation stops it gets boring really quickly.

Then at some point she starts needing me to have an emotional response that's not there in the way she expects it to be. I am either not jealous enough or angry enough or passionate enough or whatever. That's when her disrespect and my dismay starts.

Eventually it gets to be work just being together. We aren't getting what we need from each other. She wants to control me in some way that won't make me happy. I want her to drive the conversation forward.

So we drift apart.

It used to seem tragic, but now it's just like . . . meh . . . NEXT!!!
i totally agree.... this is it right here thank you very much for putting this into words... and yes i am becoming like what you posted at the bottom but now im married but it this married thing doesnt work out then i really will be like meh whatever from that point foward.....
 

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My ENTP male friend starts relationships very easily. And every girl he has been with so far he professes that he has really loved and has been true to. Until he breaks it up, which happens very rapidly as well. Problem is that none of these relationships last very long. The girls tend to develop feelings for him and then some months later he breaks it off. Recently he has confided in me that all of this is making him sick. It is making him hate himself to the point that he is seriously thinking of never having a relationship again but casual sex offers no consolation either. As a result he feels trapped. He has been much less cheerful and outgoing lately and is playing a lot of computer games so I am feeling concerned for him.

Can you guys and gals describe to me how you generally start relationships? Do you just suddenly develop emotions and follow through with them without thinking? Or do you generally reason yourself into it and then suddenly emotions prop up? How do you court/woo people you fall in love with? What are you looking for and does it help any to take this process slower? What exactly do you feel at the beginning and at the end?

What qualities have you found in people with whom you stayed together at least couple of years?

From what I read about ENTPs this can be a general problem for this personality type. Is there anything I can advise him that would help him overcome it? Any special approach to relationships that he can adopt?
Can you guys and gals describe to me how you generally start relationships? Mine have a tendency to start relatively quickly. I sorta treat the beginning of a relationship as anything that I am deeply interested in. I don't just wade into the water slowly, I dive in headfirst. Intimacy and emotion take me far longer to sort of build up.

Do you just suddenly develop emotions and follow through with them without thinking? Yup, pretty much. I don't really sit back and analyze what I'm doing or thinking. Early on, I'll think yeah this person is a lot of fun to be around but there really isn't that emotion behind it.

How do you court/woo people you fall in love with? By being myself. I'm definitely not stunningly handsome or anything, in fact, rather average looking. However, my ability to have an entire room laughing their asses off and focusing entirely on me (what the hell will this guy do next) draws a fair amount of attention. I suppose I flirt a lot with humor more than anything.

What are you looking for and does it help any to take this process slower? I don't necessarily have a "type" but intelligence will win a person a fair amount of points in my book.

What exactly do you feel at the beginning and at the end? Beginning I want to learn as much about my partner as possible. I'll research her like some brilliant brainstorm I just had. Towards the end I'm typically bored for the most part. I've had some longer relationships (a couple of years) but many tend to only last 6 months or so before I get tired of putting the effort into a relationship. When I've been on the dumped end, I pretty much just move on to the next thing that interests me.
 
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