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Sweet Matrimony.
ENTJ 8w7 so/sx
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7,160 Posts
Hmm...

Long story short, he knows I've been in love with him for a couple of years and he's said he loves me too, although I doubt he knows what he's talking about (he never mentioned it after that).
Are you expecting a song and dance every day?
Does he have the time for that?
If he truly is an ENFP, his mind is racing with about 4 hundred ideas/topics/issues/things a minute... he's probably thinking about other stuff. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it means he's thinking about other things.

And how do you know what he means more than he does? :confused:

although he has tried to be suggestive with me and I shot him down because it seemed more like his natural flirtatious manner than something serious; and it hurt my feelings that he would try that on me despite knowing I had feelings for him
Did you ever stop to think that because you shot him down; he stopped being open with his affections? Why would you shoot down somebody you love, and then expect them to keep trying? I wouldn't waste my time. I'd have other things to do.

He didn't hurt your feelings, you made up a completely non-sensical conclusion in your mind and then found a way to make yourself upset. He didn't do that... you did because you didn't trust him. That's not his fault nor problem, that's yours for reading intentions in his actions that probably weren't there.

Honestly, I think we're both perfect for each other.
So why did you shoot him down?
Again, do you not see how your actions are causing the dissatisfaction you currently experience?

the fact that we don't share the same core values. (I consider that a very important thing, whereas he is more floaty and likes to think he can get by in just any situation. This belief of his is proving untrue as he is progressing through life, as was inevitable. And he can't wrap his head around it.)
So... you're not perfect for each other then? :confused:

Again, why do you think you know him more than he does? And it seems you don't realise this one important thing with "floaty" people - our goals are just as floaty as we are. If something doesn't work out, we move straight on to the other thing. And that becomes our goal. Things work out for us because of that... there was no rigid plan to begin with, even though there was a plan.

I would very much like to be valued for a change, after all the time and energy I've expended on him. But I try to at least not act like a fool, if I must think like one. So I bide my time immersing my heart in other things like my career and my friends.
Uwotm8?

He shows you the ONE way he knows how in order to prove his affection to you - you shoot him down, and now you don't feel valued for doing things he never asked you to do. You OFFERED to do those things.

What exactly do you want from him? People giving me advice is appreciated if I take it on board, if it's advice I didn't ask for, why would it need to be valued? It was never sought out in the first place.....

The time and energy you've expended on him was of your doing. The time and energy he expended on you was shot down... again, all your doing. So... where is his fault in this?

even though sometimes I'm sure I can't be with anyone but him.
Then why did you shoot him down?

Is there any chance that he actually might see me in a more serious light somewhere in the future? Or am I doomed to be his 'friend' and pick up after him whenever he pleases?
What does it matter what he thinks when you always convince yourself he's not serious about what he does?
If he flew to you and proposed on the spot, you'd still tell yourself he was just "joking" or just "playing around like he does with the other girls," if I were him I wouldn't bother with you either. You sound like a headache. An unnecessary one at that.

On the other hand, he barely ever pays me attention. I share his troubles but he doesn't share mine--I thought ENFPs were all happy and puppy-like when they were in love?
Because you shot him down - he figured you didn't want the attention.

What do you mean that you share his troubles?

And if an ENFP is happy, they are like that with everyone.

2. How do I help him out when he needs a friend, without giving him the idea that he is entitled to my time despite having rejected me, so to speak?
Why are you even trying to help him? Does he want your help? Did he ask for it? You've been giving him all this "help" and it's not been appreciated, so why would you then do it again, expecting different results?

It sounds like you don't understand this ENFP guy at all. You don't understand his "love language" (i.e. what he does to show his partner he truly loves them) and you're expecting him to communicate with the same love language you do - which is unlikely. If an ENFP is an inspirer, we help anyone, any time, any place, anywhere.... Helping people is as natural as breathing, so just because we help someone doesn't mean we love them, it just means we're being ENFPs.

I doubt he thinks he's entitled to your time at all-- hence why he left you alone when you shot him down.

I love this guy immensely, and he's always better off for following my advice.
That's what you think, doesn't make it true.

There are quite a few other guys who are much more deserving of the attention I find myself showering on this one. I don't enjoy being hung up like this; I have my pride.
This is all your problem, he didn't ask you to do any of this. Your pride is something he's not thinking about, he never wanted it compromised in the first place-- which is why he respected your apparent need for space when you shot him down.

And I can't figure out how to balance my love with my pride when they both seem to be opposing each other.
This is your problem. Not his. He didn't put you in this situation... you did.


---
I hope my post wasn't too harsh, but to be honest, you've thought yourself into a situation that just doesn't exist in his mind. I can guarantee it.

Try and see things from his perspective. He's not you - he doesn't act the way you do, nor show affection the way you do. Find a balance between the two and for the love of god learn to trust him!
 

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I think despair is very dangerous here. You say you've given up on being appreciated by him, yet you are asking us to help you do just that. That is contradictory. Let us be honest and call out your bluff--for your own sake: you still want him. So act like it. Don't let him trample on your time and feelings because you deserve better than that. You are worth more than that. If you cannot have him--and let us be honest once more; he sounds like an asshole who is willing to exploit you emotionally without any intention of ever reciprocating--then cut your losses and move on with your life. I have been in this situation personally (has very little to do with personality type, imo) and I know it sucks--there is a lot of grief you have to work through--but there really isn't anything else you can do.

What you are currently up to is allowing him to vampirically feed off of your emotional support, validation, etc. It is parasitical and unhealthy. Not just for you but for him too.

If you really love this dude, stop letting him suck your blood. Grieve but don't blame him entirely for it--you consented to the exploitation out of your own will. To his discredit, he took the opportunity you gave him, and, yes, that was absolutely wrong of him. He should have known better. But he didn't. Find healing and inner peace. And then move on with your life without him. You might protest with the very romantic notion that, "there is no life without him," and that is very sweet--and if he means that much to you, you can always remember him fondly, with love and tenderness, and "carry him in your pocket" so to speak. But move on.

This is the most profound favor you can give to him: allowing him to experience the loss of you as a direct result of his own negligence and selfishness. He needs to learn how a leads to b, but he cannot if you never give him the opportunity.

And the most profound favor you can give to yourself is healing. Learn from the experience. Don't be afraid of the hard stuff because that's what makes you stronger. Live well. Learn to be happy without him.
 
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