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I've been dating an amazing INFP for a little over 2 years now and it's been nothing short of great. She is hands down my favorite human. We've had bumps as with any relationship, but overall we've been going strong. But I recently fucked up pretty bad and hurt her due to her deep sensitivity and insecurity. And my...idk, INTP-ness I guess. If my cognitive stack is really to blame for how I handled this.

Last night I got together with some old friends from my high school days to smoke some weed and catch up. She doesn't get out alot so she's been looking for some low energy, chill people to meet and hang out with. She asked me if she could come along and I didn't want to say no because I know her tendency to read too much into things and get up into her head. I didn't want her to think it was personal or that nobody wanted her there. But it's always been a thing that we didn't want girlfriends along because that changes the group dynamic and sometimes it can be awkward for the friends not in a couple. I've been one to complain about this in the past, so I would be a hypocrite for bringing her along. Also, I just tend to prefer keeping friendships and relationships separate. At the last minute I guess I kinda spaced about how to handle it and it ended up that she was bumped out last minute. I did end up explaining honestly why I didn't want her to come, but before that I was dodging questions about the details and trying to drop hints about it because I wasn't sure what to do. Which I can definitely understand looks bad. Especially to someone with chronic anxiety issues. In retrospect, shitty fucking idea. And a pretty shitty thing to do from a moral standpoint too. When I got home she wouldn't look at me and after pressing her she said that she had been crying all night. She wouldn't talk about it further though, she said she doesn't trust me with her feelings at the moment. She's been withdrawn and cold since.

I feel horrible to have hurt her like that. And I have no idea where to start to fix this. I am not good at dealing with feelings. Or comforting. And were this situation in reverse, I really wouldn't have cared. In fact, I would have preferred to not go anyway. I've never been one to worry about inclusion. So I have no basis to relate to how she's feeling with this. Any INFP females have advice for me? A peek into what's most likely going through her mind?
 

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Ohh, boy. You done fucked up. I'm guessing how she feels right now is rejected. I don't think its impossible for you to make up for this though. Firstly she needs some time to come to terms with this, so if you have already apologized for it don't bring it up again. But don't be a stranger either. Keep communicating. Give it like two weeks I think, that's probably enough time for her to process. Then bring on the romance, dinner, flowers, possibly a very thoughtful gift and pay lots of attention to her.

Also, if you do recover from this it will be a good lesson for next time though. If its just you and the guys, just give her some warning in advance. I mean the only problem here is that you dropped her at the last minute. Its not just INFPs, I think anyone would have been pissed by this. She could have made other plans.
 

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Hiiii G0lde~

I know, I'm a guy. >__> But still, maybe I can shed some light on this.

*cracks knuckles*

She doesn't get out a lot so she's been looking for some low energy, chill people to meet and hang out with. She asked me if she could come along and I didn't want to say no because I know her tendency to read too much into things and get up into her head.
You didn't say no? You told her yes, she could come? Alright, let's take a stab at this then.

Fi: I'm bored, lonely, (whatever)
Ne: Ooo, let's go out!
Si: But everytime you did X, Y, Z to go out, you got psyched out, didn't meet anyone cool, burned yourself out, or wasted money (etc.)
Fi: I don't want to go out now... I don't want to feel like that again.
Ne: Ooo, G0lde's hanging out with his old friends!
Si: *blink blink* Well, G0lde is pretty awesome.
Ne: Right? His friends could be awesome too! And G0lde could introduce me and everythiiing~
Fi: Yay, this will be fun!
Te: Already asking him now.

I didn't want to say no because I know her tendency to read too much into things and get up into her head. I didn't want her to think it was personal or that nobody wanted her there. But it's always been a thing that we didn't want girlfriends along because that changes the group dynamic and sometimes it can be awkward for the friends not in a couple. I've been one to complain about this in the past, so I would be a hypocrite for bringing her along. Also, I just tend to prefer keeping friendships and relationships separate.
So, I'm assuming you didn't tell her any of this when you said yes to her? She wouldn't know she's overstepping your boundaries right now.

But before that I was dodging questions about the details and trying to drop hints about it because I wasn't sure what to do.
Fi: Anxiety.
Ne: What Ifs feed the anxiety.
Si: Brings up anxious moments in the past.
Te: Self-criticism.

At the last minute I guess I kinda spaced about how to handle it and it ended up that she was bumped out last minute.
So that's fuel for Te self-criticism. Perhaps Ne shuts down, Fi-Si loop hence the crying all night. Alright...

[HR][/HR]

Right now? Her mind is set on self-care. Or more self-wallowing. Can't be sure what she's thinking, don't know her like THAT, but!

I feel horrible to have hurt her like that. And I have no idea where to start to fix this. I am not good at dealing with feelings. Or comforting. And were this situation in reverse, I really wouldn't have cared. In fact, I would have preferred to not go anyway. I've never been one to worry about inclusion. So I have no basis to relate to how she's feeling with this.
Does she know this? As in, did you tell her the above text? Offer your willingness to be there when she's ready to talk, wanting to improve communication with her? Maybe you'll have to wait.

The INFP ladies will have better insights. :unsure:
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Hiiii G0lde~

I know, I'm a guy. >__> But still, maybe I can shed some light on this.

*cracks knuckles*



You didn't say no? You told her yes, she could come? Alright, let's take a stab at this then.

Fi: I'm bored, lonely, (whatever)
Ne: Ooo, let's go out!
Si: But everytime you did X, Y, Z to go out, you got psyched out, didn't meet anyone cool, burned yourself out, or wasted money (etc.)
Fi: I don't want to go out now... I don't want to feel like that again.
Ne: Ooo, G0lde's hanging out with his old friends!
Si: *blink blink* Well, G0lde is pretty awesome.
Ne: Right? His friends could be awesome too! And G0lde could introduce me and everythiiing~
Fi: Yay, this will be fun!
Te: Already asking him now.



So, I'm assuming you didn't tell her any of this when you said yes to her? She wouldn't know she's overstepping your boundaries right now.



Fi: Anxiety.
Ne: What Ifs feed the anxiety.
Si: Brings up anxious moments in the past.
Te: Self-criticism.



So that's fuel for Te self-criticism. Perhaps Ne shuts down, Fi-Si loop hence the crying all night. Alright...

[HR][/HR]

Right now? Her mind is set on self-care. Or more self-wallowing. Can't be sure what she's thinking, don't know her like THAT, but!

The INFP ladies will have better insights. :unsure:
Wow. That was actually incredibly helpful. Exactly what I was looking for, a breakdown of the INFP thought process on what happened. I especially appreciated the simple, conversational format you gave it. Thank you.

Does she know this? As in, did you tell her the above text? Offer your willingness to be there when she's ready to talk, wanting to improve communication with her? Maybe you'll have to wait.
She does. And an update on the situation, I am taking her to dinner tonight so we can talk about it and our relationship in general. The above analysis you gave me will help me immensely with that. I will have to run that bit by her, if you pegged it right that will give me a solid enough understanding to better relate to her and move forward. Again, thank you.
 

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Your post is precious the way it is and my humble advice is that you simply re-write it exactly as it is, but not directed to us, but to her. Let her read your whole mental process the way you've explained it here, with the whole apology-thingy at the end, and I quote "I feel horrible to have hurt her like that. "

The same whole thing you've explained here, go tell her. You can write it down. My ex and I used to communicate our crazy minds via hand written letters, we would read them together, cause it's not a typical letter of I send you this in the distance, it was read in each other's presence, it's just that a lot of times writing allows a person to express themselves better, and being both introverts writing works wonders. Now, if you're good at speaking, go ahead and regurgitate what you wrote with your precious voice.

Any INFP females have advice for me? A peek into what's most likely going through her mind?


I've been in her situation, and I felt rejected whenever the boyfriend would just dump me without much of an explanation or blaming his friends like "they don't want you there" which makes me think they hate me, so I become self-conscious. But whenever the bf explained that it was a "guys reunion" and that it's not individual to you but it's a group thing (nobody can bring the gf) then it makes perfect sense and I wouldn't feel anything other than "cool, you go do your thing and I'll have time to catch up with my hobbies".
This situation looks like miscommunication, you wanted to say one thing but in reality said another, and then you said another contrary things, and nothing made sense, it was wishy washy and unclear, which would make me feel suspicious and wonder if you're hiding something from me. All of this can be explained perfectly well, and if you need to write it down go ahead and do that.

Bear in mind that socializing is kind of a big deal for most of us, and knowing what kind of group we're getting into helps a lot, because we can prepare mentally. If she got wishy washy messages, lack of security, that produces anxiety and a ton of Ne possibilies of "is he hiding something?" "am I annoying?" "do people hate me?" and a bunch of other thoughts.
 

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Yep, pretty much everything @entheos and @UberYoshi said, I agree with!

Being direct and upfront with an INFP is always the best way to go about things. Don't string us along, or say yes then switch it to a no! It's frustrating, because as entheos said, socializing is a big deal, so we're preparing ourselves for that mentally, so we can have fun (and make sure you have fun too), so don't waste her time in the future. I know you said you didn't want to tell her no because she might overanalyze it, but we overanalyze because we DO NOT have the facts we need! Don't be afraid to explain what's up, it's really important to communicate with INFPs. I'd like to think we'd be pretty good sports as long as the explanation wasn't skirting around an issue you had with us personally (instead of it being a guys' night thing, you have a problem with how she acts in certain situations, etc.).

TL;DR : Just let her know!
 

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G0lde, yes you goofed but I have to say, if you said to me what you said here, I would melt. That is a sincere apology because you are not just acknowledging that she was hurt, you are saying "My very MEness made a big goof that I can't undo but wow, can I see where I went wrong!". I mean, I'm a sap for sincere apologies. I go into relationships knowing we will hurt each other. It's what happens after that matters.

entheos and UberY0shi said what I wanted to say, only better. I will agree with those who say that an explanation is needed here because what likely happened when you dropped her at the last minute is she started thinking of the endless possibilities as to the "why" and they probably got worse and worse. "He'd rather be with his friends and he's ASHAMED of me and he doesn't like me as much as I thought and why would he anyway because maybe I'm just not that lovable and oh my gosh, I'd just be better off alone." And then, if she is like me, she resolved herself to the truthfulness of the worst-case-scenario. And that's how you found her when you got home, and that's why she was cold to you later.

So lay out the why, and why you feel bad. And here's a tip that works with me: Once you've given her time to process, if she doesn't seem to want to resume talking, ask every-day sorts of questions about things NOT about this issue. Chances are she'll answer (curtly at first, and reluctantly) but it will get her talking and once she starts talking, you can move around to the real issue.

I know that myself, when I am hurt I get quiet while I think about it, but then it can be hard to break out of quiet mode and open up because now I'm trapped in my head. I mean, one of the things I like least about myself is that I really love a good wallow. So it helps if someone just tries to start a regular conversation with me. It is rare that I will ignore a direct question like "Are we still having that chicken for dinner? What shall we have on the side?" even if I've decided I'm not talking to someone.
 

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Perhaps part of the "apology" could be suggesting something a bit similar, but with just one or two of your friends? In case she felt dissapointed about not getting to meet your friends(become part of a loved one's world), possible worry about not being good enough to be introduced?

Generally I agree about the posts above, that clear communication would likely solve things in time. But I am just thinking of times when I have felt left out, even though I understood it was a situation where no "outsiders" where invited. Like when my guy were parties with classmates, hung out with bookclub, workgroup.... it was not the specific things one at a time, I was fine with them all if I understood I was not invited because it was for a limited group, what made me feel bad was that he had a bunch of those things, and very rarely things where I could come along. The pattern it made up, I didn't feel like I was part of a very large part of his world, but some kind of housebound loner to share mundane things like watching tv and cleaning the house with. So every time I was left home alone I was reminded of this pattern, and it could make me sad, even if I didn't feel excluded by the particular event that evening.

Is it possible her sadness connects to some greater pattern similar to that(doesn't have to be the same one)? When people find people overly sensitive, I often woder if it is not about not seing the greater patterns that the events remind the person of.
 
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