[Unicorntopia]

I recently started semi-romantically hanging out with this INTP. He refuses to leave his bedroom during the day and only leaves at night to party at select goth & indie bars, one of which he works at. He refuses to go anywhere with me because he is antisocial but invites me to his house to hang out in his bedroom for as long as he can get me to stay (one night always turns into two). He is a melodramatic hopeless romantic who refuses to date me and wants to be single forever, even though he has never been in a relationship longer than a month other than one long distance one. Oh yeah, he is a genius with a photographic memory too. Everyone makes fun of him all the time because he is so weird and he just laughs hysterically and finds it hilarious. Even if I say something that would normally hurt someone's feelings, he turns it into a dry joke and says he loves it when I do that.

He is very much his own person with his own opinions, artistic, philosophical, sweet, and lives in his own fantasy world that he has created in his own head. He is extremely picky about people and respects me because I am myself with a brain that I acknowledge & use and likes that I am sweet, beautiful, take care of myself, & am lady like. He claims he dislikes human affection but he always says really nice things to me, while at the same time will not hesitate to tell me when he thinks I am lude or look desperate on the dance floor. We both think fake people suck and therefore appreciate that we are both bluntly honest about what we think about one another and others.

He jokes that he is a vampire but if vampires were real he would definitely be one.

I am wondering if this is all just his way of avoiding facing his fears or if this is actually what he wants.

What do I do with this guy? I really enjoy his company and I think he is funny, intriguing, & extremely attractive, but I can't get him to hang out outside of his bedroom! He says all the time when I am over there that he wants me to meet this or that friend but has yet to ask me to hang out at a specific time and place to actually meet these friends. I have asked him to a party and he would not go. I have a busy life and it makes it almost impossible to pursue any type of relationship even if it is just friends with benefits.

Would anyone like to analyze this for me or offer any suggestions?

Oh yeah, we both hate dates. I don't like them because I have social anxiety. I am not exactly sure why he does not like them. I cannot blame him for not wanting to go on an actual date with me because I completely understand how horrible they are BUT there should not be any harm in hanging out casually with friends or just hanging out at each others house for a couple of hours instead of weekend extravaganzas.

 

[vocalist]

Umm, he sounds like he has some pretty serious anitsocial issues...Why won't he go anywhere? What is he afraid of? Has he been hurt in the past? Does he really like it when people make fun of him, or is it possible that he is pretending and bottling up the hurt inside?

http://personalitycafe.com/articles/25205-dominant-tertiary-loops-common-personality-disorders.html

From the above link:

INTP/ISFJ: Ti/Si or Si/Ti--Schizotypal Personality Disorder. I see this most commonly in INTP dom/tert loops (Ti+Si), resulting in totally giving up on attempting to obtain the social/interpersonal connections that inferior Fe drives them to unconsciously desire. Schizotypal people are seen (and typically see themselves) as having such unusual thoughts and behaviors that widespread social acceptance is nearly impossible. Ti thinks, "I cannot find any logical explanation for social rituals" and Si reinforces this self-isolating, risk-averse behavior by constantly reminding the user: "Remember how badly this went last time you tried?" If Ne were doing its job, it would remind the user to continue experimenting to find a new approach. In the ISFJ version, Si becomes ultra risk-averse and refuses to try anything new or unfamiliar. If Fe were doing its job, the ISFJ would learn that some risk is necessary in order to uphold obligations to others and avoid living in total solitude. Deep down, these types really do want social connection and ritual (Fe), but have found themselves so poor at it that they simply give up trying.

Okay, I don't know why the link won't work...but, it's in the Announcements section...

 

[cdnwolverine]

I swear this could have been written by my girlfriend on many levels.

When i was working from home, I would go weeks without leaving if I didn't have to. It's not that I was afraid to go out, but was more like; why go out when I've got everything I need here?

Home -- and the familiar clubs -- are safe grounds, places he likely feels free to be himself. You stated already lots of people regarding him as odd, so it's not really that hard to see why he doesn't like to go out during the day, doesn't like crowds, etc.

And while I might be just projecting myself, INTP types probably aren't really party people; do you go to the goth clubs he frequents with him? If he's willing to go out that far, then it seems like you could encourage him to range a little further if you can find maybe music in other places that appeals or the like. Beer can help too, it definitely tends to do away with my own social anxiety.

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Is your situation similar to this?

 

[KrystRay]

If it really bothers you and you are unhappy, why not go for someone else? There are billions of other people in the world who would love to hang out with your friends and want to go out every now and then without making you feel insecure about it.

Figure out how long you can put up with this behavior before it really effects your relationships with your other friends and your own happiness and see if you really think he's worth it. Trying to change people is pretty pointless and it doesn't sound like he really wants to meet you halfway here.

 

[Unicorntopia]

Umm, he sounds like he has some pretty serious anitsocial issues...Why won't he go anywhere? What is he afraid of? Has he been hurt in the past? Does he really like it when people make fun of him, or is it possible that he is pretending and bottling up the hurt inside?

He says it hurts his eyes to go out in the sun and looks forward to the night. He says that the day is stark reality and he would rather see what he wants to see and do what he wants to do. He has dramatized feeling love and the pain that people sing about it when they loose it. He himself has never actually been in love, says he wants it but... won't try for it with me... instead wants this melodramatic fantasy land weekend thing.

He has logical reasons for being the way he is, claims he is not scared, and has confidence in areas that I do not, such as playing music in front of crowds. I do not know the details of how badly hurt he has been but he has told me that half of his family are bad mean people who never wanted him and expressed that.

I think he is GREAT but I do not know if he believes that anyone else could truly think he is great with out being seriously damaged people beyond repair who would be impossible to have loving stable relationships with. He has told me this straight up while covered in dry humor and I don't actually sense any lack of confidence in him. I usually can spot it a mile away. I do not know what to think.

 

[CrabHammer]

I have to agree KrystRay here. It sounds like he has a lot of maturing to do. I think he's likely not interested (at least romantically), but still likes to keep you around either as a friend or as a confidence booster (or both I suppose). If you're looking for, or are at least ok with, doing the whole "friends with benefits" thing, it sounds like you could just ask him if it's something he'd be interested in. You said you guys can talk pretty openly about such things, and if that's what he wants he'll likely jump at the chance.

Also as a sort of side note, I wouldn't confuse confidence in performing with confidence in other areas. If he really doesn't think he's worthy of anyone's attention he has some kind of confidence issue. I have great confidence as a performer, but when it comes to socializing in large groups or talking to the opposite sex it's more hit or miss (mostly miss :dry.

I fear I'm sounding a little dire here. You obviously know this guy much better than I do. I just worry that as an INFJ, with you auxiliary Fe, you're looking for a connection when there isn't really one there. (Psychobabble for the win!) Ask him what he wants and if it isn't what you want, focus your attention on someone more deserving of it.

To finally answer the question, if you want him to leave his bedroom, you're going to have to convince him that his current lifestyle doesn't make sense. You may even have to make it seem as if it's his idea, like by subtly leading him in that direction.

 

[SomeWeirdGuy]

If it really bothers you and you are unhappy, why not go for someone else? There are billions of other people in the world who would love to hang out with your friends and want to go out every now and then without making you feel insecure about it.

Figure out how long you can put up with this behavior before it really effects your relationships with your other friends and your own happiness and see if you really think he's worth it. Trying to change people is pretty pointless and it doesn't sound like he really wants to meet you halfway here.

I believe your in the wrong forum... Its hard enough for an introvert to make a friend in the first place, let alone a girlfriend/boyfriend.

 

[Coldkick]

He says it hurts his eyes to go out in the sun and looks forward to the night. He says that the day is stark reality and he would rather see what he wants to see and do what he wants to do. He has dramatized feeling love and the pain that people sing about it when they loose it. He himself has never actually been in love, says he wants it but... won't try for it with me... instead wants this melodramatic fantasy land weekend thing.

He has logical reasons for being the way he is, claims he is not scared, and has confidence in areas that I do not, such as playing music in front of crowds. I do not know the details of how badly hurt he has been but he has told me that half of his family are bad mean people who never wanted him and expressed that.

I think he is GREAT but I do not know if he believes that anyone else could truly think he is great with out being seriously damaged people beyond repair who would be impossible to have loving stable relationships with. He has told me this straight up while covered in dry humor and I don't actually sense any lack of confidence in him. I usually can spot it a mile away. I do not know what to think.

Sounds like he has NPD (narcissistic personality disorder), SID (Sensory integration dysfunction), and APD (avoidant personality disorder) but I can't really say for sure. I doubt he would ever accept going to get assessed to see if there is an underlying condition but that is the only way to know for sure.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensory_integration_dysfunction
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder

Mixing NPD and APD isn't that good, they are opposing conditions. Has he ever acted bi-polar?

 

[Dionysus]

I believe your in the wrong forum... Its hard enough for an introvert to make a friend in the first place, let alone a girlfriend/boyfriend.

i hope you're being facetious my brother!

in regards to OP:

OK, he's weird and hopeless. The only way to change a man like that is to alter some of his fundamental values. These are some of the core fibers of his being.

I know many women who think they are going to change a guy and go on this romantic crusade that often ends in naught. With your intuition, I suspect you see great things IF ONLY he changed many things. He probably ain't going to change...so unless you are getting a high off of nurturing a wounded bird, move on.

 

[nothingnew]

This guy is nothing like me, and I can only guess. I would not expect anyone to sit around my room, nor would I really like sitting around anyone else's room. I would just lay it out and tell him you got things going on, and find the act of hanging out in his room boring. I have no problem telling someone when they are wasting my time. Also, some of his comments make no sense to me. If he dislikes affection why does he have you in his bedroom? I would like to hear his logical response to that.

 

[snail]

I tend to pick the ones who live in their rooms, but it has never been a problem for me. I'm sometimes that way too. :laughing:

 

[Dupree]

I tend to pick the ones who live in their rooms, but it has never been a problem for me. I'm sometimes that way too. :laughing:

Yeah, I don't consider it an unhealthy lifestyle even if this guy is nocturnal.

I think he is GREAT but I do not know if he believes that anyone else could truly think he is great with out being seriously damaged people beyond repair who would be impossible to have loving stable relationships with. He has told me this straight up while covered in dry humor and I don't actually sense any lack of confidence in him. I usually can spot it a mile away. I do not know what to think.

I don't get what's wrong. He sounds like a typical apathetic INTP. He probably enjoys your company because you do think he's great and since socialization isn't his top priority he probably doesn't care if people think he's "damaged beyond repair." I'm sure he just enjoys your occasional company. Forget about romance.

 

[Unicorntopia]

WOW! LOL!!! These comments are hilarious!

Kilgore, yes but less discusting, angry, and stupid.

If it really bothers you and you are unhappy, why not go for someone else? There are billions of other people in the world who would love to hang out with your friends and want to go out every now and then without making you feel insecure about it.

Yes, and I don't want any of them. It has taken 3 years to find another person I actually am interested in, likes me too and lives in the same city.

I have to agree KrystRay here. It sounds like he has a lot of maturing to do. I think he's likely not interested (at least romantically), but still likes to keep you around either as a friend or as a confidence booster (or both I suppose). If you're looking for, or are at least ok with, doing the whole "friends with benefits" thing, it sounds like you could just ask him if it's something he'd be interested in. You said you guys can talk pretty openly about such things, and if that's what he wants he'll likely jump at the chance.

We met each other by hanging out at this awsome bar he DJs at. He came up and danced with me and I have pursued him ever since. It was not until I brought up Myer's Briggs and told him I was into philosophy that he actually bought me a drink, hung out with me all night and got my number. He asked me to meet him there that weekend and we ended up leaving early. We are having sex and he is very interested in it but claims he is not interested in any exclusive relationships.

I swear this could have been written by my girlfriend on many levels.

When i was working from home, I would go weeks without leaving if I didn't have to. It's not that I was afraid to go out, but was more like; why go out when I've got everything I need here?

Home -- and the familiar clubs -- are safe grounds, places he likely feels free to be himself. You stated already lots of people regarding him as odd, so it's not really that hard to see why he doesn't like to go out during the day, doesn't like crowds, etc.

And while I might be just projecting myself, INTP types probably aren't really party people; do you go to the goth clubs he frequents with him? If he's willing to go out that far, then it seems like you could encourage him to range a little further if you can find maybe music in other places that appeals or the like. Beer can help too, it definitely tends to do away with my own social anxiety.

I think you might be on to some thing about the social thing and I have social anxiety so I empathize with him. It is not that I want him to leave his house all the time, just show me that he give a shit enough to try to hang out with me a little. It is like he is saying "here I am, come and get it if you want it," but I think that may just be his defense mechanisms.

He lives for partying. Sex, alcohol, music (especially melodromatic dark stuff like The Cure and Morrissey) are what he is into these days.

Sounds like he has NPD (narcissistic personality disorder), SID (Sensory integration dysfunction), and APD (avoidant personality disorder) but I can't really say for sure. I doubt he would ever accept going to get assessed to see if there is an underlying condition but that is the only way to know for sure.

Narcissistic personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Sensory integration dysfunction - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Avoidant personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Mixing NPD and APD isn't that good, they are opposing conditions. Has he ever acted bi-polar?

He went to college for psychology. Even if someone diagnosed him it would not matter. He has very good reasons for being the way he is. He does not give a shit anymore and he is doing what he wants.

All these comments and seeing what I am posting is cracking me up. He is a trip.

OK, he's weird and hopeless. The only way to change a man like that is to alter some of his fundamental values. These are some of the core fibers of his being.

I know many women who think they are going to change a guy and go on this romantic crusade that often ends in naught. With your intuition, I suspect you see great things IF ONLY he changed many things. He probably ain't going to change...so unless you are getting a high off of nurturing a wounded bird, move on.

hehehe. One of the most powerfull attractions I have to him is that he is unmovable.

This guy is nothing like me, and I can only guess. I would not expect anyone to sit around my room, nor would I really like sitting around anyone else's room. I would just lay it out and tell him you got things going on, and find the act of hanging out in his room boring. I have no problem telling someone when they are wasting my time. Also, some of his comments make no sense to me. If he dislikes affection why does he have you in his bedroom? I would like to hear his logical response to that.

I tend to pick the ones who live in their rooms, but it has never been a problem for me. I'm sometimes that way too. :laughing:

I have a ton of fun in his room. He is so wierd. It is like a vacation where the normal rules of society do not apply. :laughing:

However, as soon as I leave his room I have abosolutely no assurance that I will ever get to do it again.

I have laid out the hipocritical things to him forcfully and bluntly and he rolled over on his side for like 2 hours and did not move. Either he makes a dry joke about it or will not address it.

 

[vel]

... Even if someone diagnosed him it would not matter. He has very good reasons for being the way he is. He does not give a shit anymore and he is doing what he wants.

Yeah introverted logic is really good at coming up with those internal imaginative reasons that become the only thing that matters to the person. Problem is then that its bearer will actually believe the things he believes are logical and true without bouncing them off reality (btw sunlight in reality doesn't hurt his eyes). A tricky thing that Ti does is dismiss things that are logical in the outside world but that the person considered irrelevant or unacceptable to himself or herself for some reason. For example leaving your room during the day to go do things is logical by outside consensus. This is what you as objective observer deem logical to do, this is what others deem logical to do. But once Ti-bearer has internally rationalized against it, then this logic is simply rejected. So then the life of Ti-bearer can end up being like "a vacation where the normal rules of society do not apply."

My guess would be that you can make him leave his bedroom by deconstructing his reasons for staying in. Showing that they are not true. At this point he has probably built up a view of the world that justifies his lifestyle and existence and you'll need to chip at it. You said you want him to show that he actually gives a damn about you. You are right - he is prioritizing this introverted la-la world where his mind exists over you. To include you in it and "attempt to fall in love" sounds like there is a ton of deconstruction that he will have to do. All and all it might not really be worth your time and effort. Even though you spent 3 years looking for a person who would interest you, may be you will meet a new interesting guy next year. It is the blindspot of our introverted intuition thinking that past patterns from past will repeat themselves in future without introduction of any new variables, without any changes.

 

[Coldkick]

@vel If he is telling the truth about the light he could have sensory integration dysfunction. I have it and can't go out even on overcast days without sunglasses.

 

[vel]

@vel If he is telling the truth about the light he could have sensory integration dysfunction. I have it and can't go out even on overcast days without sunglasses.

possibly, but imho if it is neurologically based for him rather than an excuse to stay inside, he'd be diagnosed, or diagnose himself considering she said that he has read a lot about psychology, and know specific disorder name or formulate it in conversation somehow differently rather than talking about vampires and seeing reality the way he wants to see it

 

[Thrifty Walrus]

Doesn't sound like he's "just being INTP" I think his anti socialness has anything to do with his type, although that may have been a sort of catalyst. If I liked a girl and she wanted me to accompany her to do something, I would not say no, lol. Maybe I'm just an outgoing INTP? I don't think so.... Sounds like he's got a problem, sounds a little off his rocker to me XD

 

[snail]

....what if he really is a vampire?

 

[snail]

@vel If he is telling the truth about the light he could have sensory integration dysfunction. I have it and can't go out even on overcast days without sunglasses.

That's interesting. I didn't know about that. I don't have anything visual going on, but I have to wear earplugs most of the time in order to function. Could SID cause a person to register ordinary sounds as too loud for comfort?