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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Before I start my story I am going to tell you exactly what I am asking for. I am asking for what you think an appropriate corse of action would be for getting this girl back. I broke up with her for no reason a little over two years ago. Since then I have gone to college and come to the realization of how unique and similar to me she was. Since our break I haven't found anyone remotely close to the intellectual stimulation and comfort she brought to me. I know that we have both changed since that time and that the same thing that happens to me in every relationship will most likely happen again, the inevitable boredom and desire for a change of pace, but I want to try again and its consuming my thoughts.

**Warning from after writing this, this is a lot of rambling and unimportant information skip down if you don't want to read this much **

Now to start my story. My junior year of high school I started to get involved with jewish youth groups in an effort to make new friends as mine were starting to get into drugs I had no desire to be around. The first event I went to was a college visit and was a lot of fun. It was the first time in my life where multiple girls had shown me any sort of interest. Prior to my junior year I had long shaggy hair and a bit of acne, coupled with the odd habits of an intp made me unpopular with girls at that time in my life. After that I started talking to on of the girls I had met (not the one I want to get back together with) and she had me doing trying a new youth group out. This part isn't that important so to make this shorter she found me and a few friend high in a McDonalds I was really awkward we stopped talking.

Fast-forward a few months and I'm participating occasionally in a new youth group and decide to go on the winter trip to Chicago with them. It was roughly 20 kids and 3 adults on a 13 hour bus ride. I only knew one other kid that went on the trip and everyone else there knew each other. This made me the center of attention and pretty uncomfortable causing me to kind of cling to that friend. He introduced me to so other socially awkward kids from his private jewish school and eventually left me. As I tried to get to know some of the other kids he introduced me to. A girl in the other row of the bus pulled out a ukulele and of of the kids I had been introduced to proceeded to get on out and play and sing with her. After some amount of time they stopped playing for some reason and the kid that had playing with her went to do something else. After a little while I turned to her and asked her to teach me to play the ukulele. Thats how we met.

An hour or two of struggling to learn from her amounted to learning a few chords, but strategically got her friend she had originally sat next to to change seats for the duration of the bus ride. From that point spent the whole bus ride together. We watched Nightmare Before Christmas on my phone and had theoretical conversation about life, consciousness and the existence of god for the duration of the ride. To be honest neither of us really belonged there we we both didn't believe in god and after the trip was when we both stopped doing jewish events.

The rest of the trip we flirted with each other in passing. As it was an orthodox jewish convention boys and girls didn't get too much time together. The only thing we really did of note was hold hands while rollerskating.

At the end of the trip. We sat together on the bus ride back. We watched a movie then cuddled and listened to music for the rest of the ride. At the end she invited me and a few other kids from the bus over to her house for a new years eve thing since we arrived at about 10:00pm on new years. I went over and my parents picked me up around 2 in the morning.

**Sorry for rambling, I'll skip to important stuff**


We started dating a few days after that. We had a really good relationship despite me getting my wisdom teeth out in the middle of it. The thing that ended it was me getting slightly bored and indecisive about wither or not I wanted to still be in the relationship. I consulted with the two girls in my independent study french and the said the since it was a few days before valentines day and I hadn't bought a present yet that I should break up with her. I took their advice and after school I met up with her and ended it. Although I am upset I'm not with her anymore it needed to happen. At the end of the year I got to decide if I wanted to move or not and if I had stayed with her I might have chosen to not move.

Anyways I've been wanting her back for the past year and in a week we will finally living close to each other again. She got summer research on the Hubble about 30 minutes away from where I got an internship at a law firm. I saw her a week when I visited where I use to live. We had a good time although a little awkward. Reminiscing about old times like how we got in trouble twice from the cops for making out in my car and sneaking into each other's houses. She even invited me over for dinner with her parents. After dinner it seemed like she wanted me to leave and told me to introduce her to the lawyer friends i'll have and I said she could show me her telescope then she made fun of me because its in space (who knew).

I am asking how I should go about getting her back. My idea was to be straight forward and just explain myself and that I want her back since we only have the summer and she lives to far away to play pre dating mind games. What do you think
 

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Wow...uh.

I'm sorry but I can't find any sympathy for you in this particular scenario as you describe it. You should let her go so she can find someone who wouldn't dump her for such petty reasons and so capriciously "some girls told me I should". Ugh...:dry:. No. Just no.

If you could do that to her once, then your feelings for her are not that strong. You're just missing perks she brought to your life, not her as a person.

If you only have the summer than it's likely futile anyway. As you say, you don't have time to play "pre-dating mind games".... I guess this is a euphemism for being a compassionate human being to one another for a period to gain trust...yeah, kind of important. Can't be skipped. And you can't just have someone in and out of your life as it feels convenient to you.
 

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I mean, I don't think you really should "get her back", you dumped her, you guys sounded like you were in high school and are still young. Just be friends. As for advice, you can try multiple ways but we have know way of knowing how she feels about the whole thing, it's possible she doesn't want you back, and if she does it's hard to say what manner would be best for her. Probably as you said, just be really honest and tell her what you want and explain yourself. I still think it'd be bets for her not to be with someone so ambivalent about her. You guys both sound young just focus on yourselves for awhile.
 

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First of all you should realize that you don't truly need her back. I know girls with space telescopes are hard to come across, but she's not the only one. You can try to get her back but please don't put your hopes up too high. Intellectual discussion you can have with lots of academics or people on the internet.

She has an emotional relationship to what happened between you guys that you will need to change, like by apologizing and talk out the situation. Show her that you've changed and that you really want to make up for what happened. Don't frame it as getting back together, just give her an indication that you have a heart and care for her. If nothing else, she will probably forgive you, and that's a wonderful achievement as well.
 

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So you dumped her right before valentine's day because two girls told you to? Vow, you must really hate this girl :D

Seriously, I've no idea if it's going to work between you two or how she feels about all this. But you should truthfully examine the reasons why you are now pursuing her. Do you really think that this time she'll be so amazing that she'll be able to hold your interest even when somebody tells you to dump her? Or could the reason be that she's convenient? Why weren't you interested in having a long distance relationship with her but now that you live closer you are considering dating her? Maybe you are just going after your old gf because there hasn't been happening much in your romantic life since then? And maybe instead of digging the past you should invest some time and energy into meeting new people and see if you find a girl that might turn out to be a better match for you?
 

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As a guy, you kind of remind me of my INTP ex. Your reasons are very similar. Situation is similar. I'll try not to think of you that way.

I don't speak for all INFPs, especially female INFPs, but I don't think it's wise for you to try to get her back. If you're thinking of gaining her trust again, be sincere this time. And if you have it in you, don't you ever dare try to cut ties with her again if she forgives you and lets you back in.

You got bored. No shit. That's no reason to break up with someone. Don't think about your tendency to do that or you'll likely end up doing the same shit again. Also, if you're in it just because of the "intellectual stimulation and comfort", I have a feeling it will happen again. Unless you've really changed after your break-up.

At this point, I'm having a hard time trusting INTPs like you. Sorry.

Just be honest this time. Straightforward honesty. See if it works out.

EDIT: Offer the sincerest apology you can muster. Please.
 

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... So you've outright admitted in the first paragraph that you'll probably get bored with her and consider dumping her again, but you want to try to get back with her anyway? I don't think you like her nearly as much as you think you do.
 

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I do have sympathy for you. Not that you are a victim, but because.... Shit happens, we are not perfectly brought out beings.

If you know it will happen again, than I hope you also know its not the girls job to entertain you and probably not their fault that you are bored either... MBTI folks are probably familiar with the INTP mind.
Also, please dont listen to other girls advices in real life, when they know you, might actually be jealous and have that girly cattiness, that wants all other girls to burn.

Maybe what you could do to be as reasonable as you can, is explain her what happen those 2 years ago, that you miss her and how unique and special she actually is for you, but leave space for her to take control of whats gonna happen. Give her that information, so she can decide what to do with it. Cuz if you think you may end up being a dick.... again.... at least be decent and dont play games.

I know many couples who were together for a brief moment, then broke up and a few years later realised what a mistake that was nd now live happily ever after, so its not "immoral" or what not.... Its just living!
 

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... So you've outright admitted in the first paragraph that you'll probably get bored with her and consider dumping her again, but you want to try to get back with her anyway? I don't think you like her nearly as much as you think you do.
To me it sounds like he is being purely selfish and seeks his own satisfaction without any regard to the fact on how she would feel in all of this. That's allright. I have learned to stay away from NTs as they tend to be very egocentric and selfish and only look for their own satisfaction.

@oko68 I can say I hope you never get back together and instead I wish you to find another INTP like you to trash you the same way you trashed her. But you won't learn anything valuable from the experience. Still, it would be interesting to watch as you get beaten at your own game. Sorry if I sound cruel.
 

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Only boring people are bored. And only a very immature person would break up with someone because two girls told him to. You're too young to have a relationship and you blew it. Move on. She deserves better than you have given her.
 

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If you like her so much, just pursue her. Life is short and brutal, do what you need to do.
 

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Wow, lots of hate going on in here. You know you really screwed up when a bunch of INFPs jump you. IMO, you behaved like an INTP, and we shouldn't be that surprised by how detached you approached an emotional conundrum.

OP, you won't be doing her (or yourself) any favors by pursuing this again. You're young, you guys dated like in what, high school ?

It's just for the summer, right? Let her go. That's the most generous thing you can do for her at this point. I understand you may be regretting your decision, but hopefully she has fully moved on with her life, on to someone who won't inevitably hurt her again. You may be reminiscing about her/the old relationship because you're lonely. You can find another girl, one who won't bore you. You have plenty of time. Let her go.

Edit: Then again, if you know deep in your thoughts of thoughts that you really fucked up with an awesome girl, and you think you can treat her right this time because you'd be the luckiest guy in the world, sure, pursue her, but be prepared for how she responds. If you are truly repentant, she will know. Refugee is right, life is short, but please please please make sure you aren't doing this for selfish reasons. Don't be that guy (again)...
 

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@ OP... if you just got ''bored'' then you just didn't love her, so no need for a relationship now neither. Poor girl ... you seem egoistic to me, better leave her alone. :dry:
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Thank you all of the new perspective it's welcome even if a little heated. You have given me good insight into what I want and to what she must have felt like and that is very useful. I'm going to do my best to respond to common themes here.

1. Yes we were in high school but high school was literally last year it's not like were in our 30's not too much has changed

2. No I am not intentionally trying to hurt her. I never wanted her to be sad. It felt like the best corse of action at the time. I honestly didn't know what to do so i sought help from my friends. It was me and those two girls alone 90% in of the time for a whole year. We were really close I trusted their opinions.

3. No this is not because I am bored and have no one else. Other girls I have been with in the last year I can't stand for extended periods maybe I'm not finding the right people but I really do miss her. I'm not going further in to this because I don't want the relating lectures.

4. I really did try to make the break up as light as I possibly could. I had already agreed to go to a dance with her a few weeks after we broke up and I followed through with taking her.

I am going forward with this regardless my mind is already set. That being said there are a few things that can happen:

You can lie to me and try to get me to do something stupid so she won't take me back, there's a decent chance I won't see through it; I'm lost when it comes to things like this.

You could lecture me about how I'm a horrible person and I don't deserve her more. If you know how INTP's work you'll know that that's not really the most effective thing. I'll read it still and try to pull out useful information just as I have with all the other posts so far

Please pick this one. Give me advice I'll use it and be as good to her as i can be. I just need to know what to do. I'm clueless with emotional stuff. If I hurt anyone its unintentional.
 

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Then be honest as gently as possible. It would help if you seem remorseful. Recognize that you screwed up and that you hurt her. Tell her why you want to try again. Idk why you'd want to pursue a two month relationship, but that's something she needs to know too. Best of luck to you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
I know thats an option. I'm not one to react badly to things like that. I'll understand if she doesn't want to especially after reading everyone's comments.

What do you mean "She may react the same way she did". She hasn't reacted badly to anything really.
 

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I think other INFP's made the point already... It will be really hard to get this girl back. Can you blame her? I mean, that girl probably respects herself more than just that you know. Above that, if she's an INFP, she probably had very genuine feelings towards you, but you didn't return and dumped her over 2 other girls. That means she can't trust you with her feelings, and will probably protect herself from the same damage again. I seriously doubt you will be able to break trough that shield and break the self - respect down. Just saying, it probably is never going to work, but if you really want to, explanation is not going to work at all. You have to be there for her, out an relationship, in a consistent way - show deep regret, and prove yourself. If you really mean it, it may work in that way. Thought, it won't be simple and will take a long, long, time - and the changes that she will give in, if you truly love her, she will feel it, but it has to be clear, real and consistent.
 
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