[wgvlvcrazy]

I'm talking to an ISFJ girl who i like and she seems to always be beating herself up about everything (she's also a type 4) and as a type 3 ESTP I just dont see how you can do that to yourself. How do I get her to laugh/feel better about herself? And also, how do i not accidentally hurt her feelings, cause my Fe is not exactly a strong point....

 

[sparkles]

I am not ISFJ but I might have some useful ideas. Any ISFJs that come along please correct my thoughts where needed.

You can't really make someone change their mood - sometimes it helps to just use playful tough love like -

"Hey! You are saying that about a dear friend of mine and I'm not having it! "

Sometimes if you totally ignore self-flagellation it will not show up so much, also.

If ISFJ lives to accommodate others and feel valued for doing so, then it stands to reason that they will feel better about themselves when they have (a) had opportunities to do for those they value in their life, and (b) receive appreciation for their efforts.

As for your second question, I'd like to know that too, as I have trouble with being totally tactless sometimes and the ISFJ in my life is someone I do not want to harm in any way!! I imagine some bungling of things may be par for the course if you are not used to communicating in a way that considers others on a consistent basis. You might try to slow down a little and say something in your head before you say it out loud, thinking how that person - based on what you know of them - is likely to receive it in that particular moment. My problem is that I know this is a helpful approach to be more tactful, I just get carried away with my bluntness sometimes. It is not typically the case that I am *trying* to cause pain - it is much more often that I push a button without meaning to. It helps when people tell me that happened so I don't repeat it.

 

[flight97]

Well...I know this is going to sound extremely narcissistic, but I tend to be self-deprecating so that other people around me will have a reason to compliment me. In another thread on the ISFJ forums, someone was saying that ISFJs really crave appreciation, and I think that's 100% true. Not only are we willing to sacrifice anything to make other people happy and it gives us utmost pleasure to serve other people, but we also want to be recognized and appreciated. Basically, we want other people to do for us what we would do for them, and when that doesn't happen, we tend to rag on ourselves in front of other people in order to get that appreciation that we desire.

It's a vicious cycle to get caught in, and it's not the most fun, but man, those compliments make it all worth it. I think another way you could get through to your ISFJ is by doing small things that make her feel loved and appreciated. They don't have to be grand gestures, but maybe things like folding her laundry for her, or getting her a card one day, or taking her out to dinner. Those kinds of things leave a long-lasting impression in our minds.

 

[wgvlvcrazy]

Do you look for those compliments from everyone? or just people you want to like you? Or both? is it in my best interests to try and convince her against all the things she saying and compliment her?

Well...I know this is going to sound extremely narcissistic, but I tend to be self-deprecating so that other people around me will have a reason to compliment me. In another thread on the ISFJ forums, someone was saying that ISFJs really crave appreciation, and I think that's 100% true. Not only are we willing to sacrifice anything to make other people happy and it gives us utmost pleasure to serve other people, but we also want to be recognized and appreciated. Basically, we want other people to do for us what we would do for them, and when that doesn't happen, we tend to rag on ourselves in front of other people in order to get that appreciation that we desire.

It's a vicious cycle to get caught in, and it's not the most fun, but man, those compliments make it all worth it. I think another way you could get through to your ISFJ is by doing small things that make her feel loved and appreciated. They don't have to be grand gestures, but maybe things like folding her laundry for her, or getting her a card one day, or taking her out to dinner. Those kinds of things leave a long-lasting impression in our minds.

 

[Narrator]

Personally I use self-deprecation for humour, or if I feel uncomfortable taking a too assertive stance - when I do get down in the dumps distraction is the best thing (Though my mum had to indicate this to me, and then I had to have an experience of it making me feel better to really let this idea stick. Before I felt uncomfortable from disengaging part of my emotions, gaining feelings of a secure, tangible identity from them. It's healthy for fours to recognise that the self is a fluid, ever changing thing, you are whatever you are in each and every moment) - not to say it always has to be out, away and never talk about stuff, it's good to get stuff of your chest, but if I'm in a rut/slump, then a change from that headspace freshens me up and gives some distance from feelings or thoughts I felt a bit trapped in - if the new environment is neutral, then I can think 'hmm, maybe I'm getting worked up?' It can be as simple as come down stairs and have a warm drink watching rubbish (Or something good) on the TV with others around, or something much more active. Positive social experiences are good too, as they raise my confidence, and reinstill understanding that I'm cared about, maybe even show to me that I'm being a bit meladramatic, as well as giving me some distance from the negative feelings.
As for changing negative beliefs, it depends what they are. If there is some fourish significance tied to the faults in a weird kind of way, perhaps state you love/care about her just as she is - give her the sense that you enjoy her company, that tiny mistakes or any uncomfortable moments and such like won't change that, though don't lie. It's possible (I don't know though, you'll know better than me if she is) she's uncomfortable in her own skin and so feels others won't be comfortable around her either.

As for your lower Fe, if it comes up/seems relevant, let her know this about you, if she doesn't have that feel of your character already. Perhaps get together with her/some others and talk about personal traits or how you view the world so she can see you have a sorta different world view.
I know Fi/Te can be a little foreign to me (I know you're not Fi/Te, just giving it as an example), learning about the MBTI has helped me understand what I can't see on the surface, and what works in ways different from me. But expressing something of the differences in people which she might not be aware of might not be necessary, you'll be the best judge of what you think would be beneficial in terms of her understanding.

 

[flight97]

Do you look for those compliments from everyone? or just people you want to like you? Or both? is it in my best interests to try and convince her against all the things she saying and compliment her?

I look for those compliments from friends and from people I'm trying to impress. But in all honesty, I'd love them if they were coming from anyone, and compliments always make me feel warmer towards people.

You don't necessarily need to obsess over trying to compliment her, but make it sound genuine and really show her that you don't agree with any of her self-deprecating comments. For me, actions and words speak equally loudly, so you could try a combo of both, but like I said earlier, don't overdo it or else it might start to seem fake or forced.