[curious0610]

I wrote about him before - thought he was INFJ or ENTJ, but neither seem to accurately fit. Very ENTJish and INFJish but not really either, but he really fits the INTJ almost down to the line. When I compare him to other intjs, i definitely see him as an INTJ.

Anyway. not my main point.

My main point is that I am attracted to him, but not obsessively... i dont fantasize about wanting this connection with him or have daydreams. I take him out of my mind, but after an encounter with him, I'm strangely drawn to him, and he keeps coming back into my mind, and i'm just drawn to him like a magnet.

First, i felt we were like the same ends of a magnet and that we kept repelling each other and being guarded. now, i feel drawn to him. and im curious about him. want more quality time with him.

And the embarrassing part is that he seems to pick up on these vibes and sees through my actions.

I feel really vulnerable when I'm near him because of this -- he seems to see through most people and he is kind of intimidating, even though when you get to know him he's kinda nice.

There's definitely an attraction there, and i wonder if he feels the same, but regardless - for this project, there are office policies on no dating. so i must obey those rules.

but it's hard for me to feel one way and pretend it's not there. so tips INFJs, how do I not give myself away? any advice or tips from past experiences? im bad at acting, and i dont know what to do. its not that i want to act like another person, but i feel so vulnerable yet i dont know what to do since he doesnt talk about it and plus we cant talk about it anyway...

 

[Imightbecrazy]

I'm pretty sure he already knows. I could pass him a note if you like (wink, I'm just playing). Seriously though, I know it's difficult but, maybe you could ask for his email (not work email), and ask if he'd like to go to coffee sometime just to chat/hang out (or another approved social activity-whatever that is). What's the harm? Of course you'd actually have to talk a little. You might be surprised, he might be like you. Just DOOOOO it, screw the office rules.

 

[Gracie]

Honestly? I think the key is to try to get your internal thought processes to match up to what you're trying to project to him. I don't mean to pretend that you're not attracted to him, but more to accept that if something is meant to happen, it will, and not to feel so self-conscious about your feelings for him. Attraction is a very natural part of the human condition :wink: it's nothing you should be embarrassed about. When I've felt that way about someone in the past, I just try to be a good friend to them and trust that whether or not my feelings are reciprocated, they will see that my motivation is good and appreciate that at least :happy: this is, of course, based on the founding assumption that anyone I'm attracted to is going to be a relatively decent human being.

I just think that if you feel really uncomfortable about your attraction to him, it's going to come across no matter how hard you try to conceal it. For people who are very quick to detect deception or concealment in others, we're not always very good at it ourselves :crazy:

You just need to talk yourself through this - whether or not he returns your feelings, you are a good person and a good friend, and that's the best you can do. Beyond that, you're just stressing about things you can't control. If you can reconcile yourself more to your attraction to him, what you feel you're projecting will become naturally less of an issue.

 

[MissNobody]

This is a difficult one...but, my advise would be to try and treat everyone the same way you treat him. That way he won't think that you are treating him differently or giving him more attention than anyone else.

However, this sounds like a very frustratin situation. Are you aloud to date this guy outside work? Or is it a complete rule that you can't be in a relationship with someone you are working with?

 

[nikkii]

We can't deny who we like because It will hit us back with a slap in the face. Wham! The best you can do is accept it.

My INTJ are attracted like magentas to each other

 

[kateykinz]

I'm sorry, it's a tough situation for you and I haven't really got the advice you are seeking. If I really like somebody, then I'm no good at hiding it from them. I'd rather just get it out in the open and move on if necessary. Just because you are attracted to him (even if you are attracted to each other) doesn't mean you have to act on those feelings until a more suitable time, or even at all. If you let someone know you like them, but aren't all clingy and obssessive and weird about it, then it is a high compliment you are paying them, and sometimes easier to form a solid friendship. Sounds counter-intuitive, but it isn't. If you are constantly trying to act a different way around him than you feel then you will never be comfortable around him, and he will pick up on that and things may always be awkward.

I second whoever said you should just try and get his email address and invite him for a coffee. You may find that the more you get to know him, the less you are actually attracted to him and the more you can deal with your feelings. And if it goes the other way, really, no harm done. He will either reciprocate, and you can decide together what can be done, or he won't and you can get on with your life, with one less thing to worry about.

 

[curious0610]

UPdate - So i saw HIM today........ I was in a gathering of coworkers, where we were just standing around and talking before a meeting. He came directly to where a bunch of us were gathered - i swear, he seems to find me where I am and come straight to me even in a huge crowd of people, and it's happened to many times to be a coincidence now? He started randomly talking to two of the guys near him about something that happened last night with one of them, and he was being super fun and friendly with the other two guys. And I kind of didn't know how to respond, because I'm always too stiff and serious (even tho i dont want to be) and i didn't see any way for me to join in because I didn't know the other two guys and i felt like the mood was fun (and i didn't want to be a downer). So I sorta just stood and kinda observed people, and pretty much didn't talk to him. GAH alright, I confess. I like him a lot, but I think I'm just too serious and boring for him. I just feel like when I'm around him, I get all into a grip, too, because I like him SOO much, that I can't function. there... SIGH :sad::sad::sad::sad:

 

[SarahWilliams]

UPdate - So i saw HIM today........ I was in a gathering of coworkers, where we were just standing around and talking before a meeting. He came directly to where a bunch of us were gathered - i swear, he seems to find me where I am and come straight to me even in a huge crowd of people, and it's happened to many times to be a coincidence now? He started randomly talking to two of the guys near him about something that happened last night with one of them, and he was being super fun and friendly with the other two guys. And I kind of didn't know how to respond, because I'm always too stiff and serious (even tho i dont want to be) and i didn't see any way for me to join in because I didn't know the other two guys and i felt like the mood was fun (and i didn't want to be a downer). So I sorta just stood and kinda observed people, and pretty much didn't talk to him. GAH alright, I confess. I like him a lot, but I think I'm just too serious and boring for him. I just feel like when I'm around him, I get all into a grip, too, because I like him SOO much, that I can't function. there... SIGH :sad::sad::sad::sad:

I wish I could give you advice, but you and I are quite similar in our reactions. And since I can't figure out how to talk to guys I really like either, then I can't help you in your situation.

But if it makes you feel better, I understand how you feel. A couple of years ago I liked a guy so much I couldn't speak to him... (and I'm not a shy person usually).

It was so bad. I hope you figure out how to overcome your fears!! And if you do, let me know your secret

 

[curious0610]

I really don't know why I freeze up like this. I feel kind of intimidated because he seems to see through everything I do and I feel like I need to impress him more, and with people in general, it always takes me a bit before I can really be myself around them.

Thanks for everyone's reply so far.

 

[vel]

I am familiar with that reaction very well roud:

Thing is that your mind has been tracking him all across the room and building up anxiety, so when he got closer you froze up. I would say try to think that he has already rejected you, that he is gay, that he is your long-lost brother, that it will never work out between you two. Try to turn him into a friend in your mind. It is difficult but for me it takes some of the anticipatory anxiety away.

 

[Hermes]

I know I'm not an INFJ but as an I INTJ i can say that we're not normally very good at telling if people like us, so don't be too sure that he knows you like him. Also if he keeps on coming near you when he doesn't have to it seems like he may like you as well.

 

[balderdash]

I know exactly how you feel. That's the closest I've gotten to being in a relationship so far and I'll be 28 in less than a month. I crushed on a woman I worked with for three years once. Even asked her out, she said yes, and still couldn't calm myself down and focus enough to go through with it. Needless to say it ended with her being hurt and upset with me because I couldn't get over myself and be more open with her. And that was only two years, we worked together for another year after that. Ugh. If you are like me, the only way to get something that you want is to not want it so bad.

Also, I believe what Hermes is saying. He probably doesn't know that you like him that much. Or at least isn't sure. Be friendly and genuine. That would take a lot of the pressure off. Don't worry about him knowing you are interested in him. Trying to hide it from him is like trying to hide it from yourself, and it could end up hurting. Try not to over think it, or worry about what could happen. If you can, live more in the moment, if only when he's nearby. Remember to breathe when he is around, try not to worry about what people around you are thinking, because they probably aren't even thinking about it. And most important, but maybe the hardest thing, be okay with nothing ever coming of your feelings. Something my mother always used to tell me when I was younger was "You have to love yourself before you can really love someone else". I always thought, of course I love myself, but maybe a better way to say it is "You have to be content with not having before you will be able to have". Doesn't mean try to not get something, but instead, get something without trying.

Hope there is at least something in here will help you. I wish you the best whether you decide to go for it, let it go, or let it ride.

 

[angelictroublemaker]

UPdate - So i saw HIM today........ I was in a gathering of coworkers, where we were just standing around and talking before a meeting. He came directly to where a bunch of us were gathered - i swear, he seems to find me where I am and come straight to me even in a huge crowd of people, and it's happened to many times to be a coincidence now? He started randomly talking to two of the guys near him about something that happened last night with one of them, and he was being super fun and friendly with the other two guys. And I kind of didn't know how to respond, because I'm always too stiff and serious (even tho i dont want to be) and i didn't see any way for me to join in because I didn't know the other two guys and i felt like the mood was fun (and i didn't want to be a downer). So I sorta just stood and kinda observed people, and pretty much didn't talk to him. GAH alright, I confess. I like him a lot, but I think I'm just too serious and boring for him. I just feel like when I'm around him, I get all into a grip, too, because I like him SOO much, that I can't function. there... SIGH :sad::sad::sad::sad:

I can't offer you much, but definitely empathy! I definitely used to freeze completely when I liked them, avoid them and observe rather than say something stupid and live my life in daydreams. One day I watched a film that triggered a response in me not to daydream my life away, to seize the initiative and not be controlled by fear. I made up my mind to be friendly with the person I liked, and forced myself to do this. It was a lot easier than I imagined it would be.

I think being friends dot dot dot is a good thing for INFJs cos it gives us times to relax and not be so tense and stiff. you are not alone tho - I totally relate...but then, whenever I noticed this happening in my body and told myself to let go of it (with the help of some alexander technique lessons).

Anyway, since that day about 4 years, I've begun to have a lot more guy friends and feel much much more relaxed. My courage has increased to the point of going, "what's the worst that could happen" and telling people dirrectly when I like them. It hasn't always turned out happy, and I've been crestfallen, but now I know I'm strong enough to cope and move on, and that's really increased my confidence. Also, I've begun to realise that everyone, esp men, get just as scared, just display it in different ways, so its a relief when someone is direct with them.

Hope that helps - don't think for a moment that I'm "there", but I am proof that we can grow and don't have to be stuck in freeze frame all our livess! Much love to you sister :happy:

 

[kateykinz]

Can you...

Pretend to yourself that he is already in a relationship with one of your best friends?
Pretend to yourself that he is gay?
Pretend to yourself that he is a cousin of yours?

Or anything else that just makes you feel a bit more comfortable being yourself around him?

 

[curious0610]

Yes, based on what Vel said I was going to pretend he was a long lost brother or something. :crazy::crazy::crazy: I think doing so will make me feel comfortable around him (cause it wont all be about my attraction to him) and it will also allow me to think it's okay to have a connection. Cause i realized right now im most afraid of showing that i am attracted, but if I think of him as a family member, i'll just accept it as normal right?

 

[irene80]

I have this same problem! I get crushes on guys that I've never or only briefly spoken to and cannot talk to them after that without wanting to crawl out of my own skin. It is awful. Most awful thing of all, though, is that I didn't even try... such a bad feeling.

I am 30 years old and I really need to get over this asap. I have no problem talking to guys that I'm not interested in. I can be quite light-hearted and fun. However, when the guy of my dreams walks in the room, I am suddenly hyper-self-aware and edgy.

I was thinking today, one thing that could help with the whole crush problem is to try to talk to your crush as soon as you start to notice the first crushy feeling, before you have time to spend hours on end fantasizing about how great and sexy they are. Get that rapport going as soon as you can, and get it on a friendly, low-key level. Of course, it helps if the object of your desire is on the friendly side. It seems I have had my crushes on "unobtainables" that aren't all that friendly or at least not outwardly so, and then I beat myself up for not trying, but maybe i'm not trying for a reason. Like my rationalization? Ha.

I wish I could provide better advice but it's pretty obvious I am in the same boat. Best of luck to you.

 

[Goodewitch]

Oh Curious,.. Just accept that you have it bad for this guy
Its a huge limmerance,..a huge whopping strike ye dumb, and make ye blush crush
And,..its ok, its perfectly ok to say it to us, and smile about it, and have it aknowledged,..theres so much tension in you, and even a bit of denial about how this man is getting all your feelings going, like excitable particles !! lol
This is a kinda magical feeling, enjoy it, dont deny it or try to crush it underfoot,..beleive me, these kind of lovely innocent feelings for someone dont come along too often,, years from now you'll be wishing you could recapture this feeling with someone.
Its a powerful projction..this isnt even about him, its about you.. and your inner longings , feelings etc, have found a projectional target, and he's it!
Once you admit the strength of how youre feeling, and acknowledge that its just powerful energies from inside yourself, and that we know about it and its not repressed, you'll find it disappates into being slightly more manageable. But, you have to stop trying to kid yourself that you dont feel it strongly, and dont kid yourself that you can rationalise or 'think' these feelings away. they have their own energy and finite life, and will fade in their own time, depending on if they get reciprocation, and a feedback loop, or not.
So, next time he's there, aknowledge to yourself that you're feeling excited, nervous, shy, awkward, even do a mental fangirl squeeee! to yourself in your mind, anything that will break the inner tension,.. and then overide your brain freeze by talking to him as if he's just a regular human being, with flaws and faults, and sticky up hair and bad breath in the mornings, as he no doubt does , lol.
As you chat about routine stuff more, and SMILE more , you'll find that a connection will just naturally and organically grow,.. or it wont,..either way,.. you wont be frozen.
Just take a breath,.. and enjoy the butterflies, It can be enjoyable, if you let it be. Theres no shame in having a fancy for someone. Rigid logical self control at all times is not all its cracked up to be, Relax, smile, and be your awesome self.
G. x

 

[curious0610]

goodewitch thanks for your post. roud: i tried the whole 'long lost brother thing" and it didnt work and instead it created even more inner turmoil. i need to stop repressing it i guess! ill take ur advice and try to enjoy this feeling.. i guess i sorta have a trauamatic experience - 2 years ago i had a huge crush on someone and i didn't even realize it but i was apparently really obvious. and b/c i was making it really obvious, he kept a distance from me and our friendship was also distanced. :crying::crying::crying: now i realize he wasn't worth my feelings at all. but that experienced marked the end of my crushing for a while, followed by a lot of repression of my feelings for someone. :sad:

 

[The Vizier]

Hmm maybe you could try to shift your perspective. Right now you are self-conscious because you are focused on your feelings for him and how he will view you. You're looking at it all from your own perspective. Maybe if you tried to use your feelings to see how you could help him, to put him first, it would help to ease what you feel and hence you become more natural.

Imagine you saw him fall into the ocean and you know he can't swim but you can. This is a hypothetical example. Now while he is there drowning, would you:

a) Worry about how you look if you jump in to save him? Worry about him analyzing your dive if you jump into the ocean? Worry about how you would look if you got wet?

or

b) Jump in to save him?

What does it matter whether he knows that you like him or not? As long as you find ways to be helpful and useful to him, you will:

a) Use your feelings in a positive way to benefit him

b) Feel better about your interactions with him because you can help

c) Come across as more natural as well

As for whether he knows, it is not that important since there is a rule about office romance as you say. As long as you don't say it explicitly, it will never become official. All that matters is that you behave naturally around him instead of trying to hide what you feel and becoming all unnatural. Then it will become painfully obvious to all. Since you have feelings for him that is swirling around inside you like unused energy and causing you turmoil, don't fight it. Instead, accept it and channel it to more constructive uses by putting his needs first.

So chat with him to make him feel at ease. He might be shy and uncomfortable when you 2 are alone and doesn't know what to say. Use your INFJ empathy and save him. Be bold and guide the conversation so he feels at ease. If you take action, you will be in control and from there he will begin to relax because you are natural with him. Imagine him to be your best friend and he will become that very person. Inhibitions always hinders interactions because we hold back.

Ask about his day, show interest in him and his work and the latest developments in his projects. Shift the attention to him, place him in the spotlight. Encourage him, help him, acknowledge his teachings etc. All these will come naturally to you if you don't think about the effect. This way, you don't have to act either. Remember...always ask yourself what you would do if he were drowning and on the verge of death and only you could save him. Seen in this light, everything becomes easier because it is not as if he hates you or that you two cannot communicate. It would be awkward to do this if you had nothing to say, but since you do...just go ahead and say it. This is how you react normally with people, I hope, which is why this is the best way to react with him.

Remember, place yourself in his shoes and always ask yourself, what can I do to be of service to him? What does he need? Then use your creativity and go ahead and do it. This is not to say you should actively seek him out for no reason. But when he approaches you and stuff, this would be a good guideline to behave naturally.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[Goodewitch]

goodewitch thanks for your post. roud: i tried the whole 'long lost brother thing" and it didnt work and instead it created even more inner turmoil. i need to stop repressing it i guess! ill take ur advice and try to enjoy this feeling.. i guess i sorta have a trauamatic experience - 2 years ago i had a huge crush on someone and i didn't even realize it but i was apparently really obvious. and b/c i was making it really obvious, he kept a distance from me and our friendship was also distanced. :crying::crying::crying: now i realize he wasn't worth my feelings at all. but that experienced marked the end of my crushing for a while, followed by a lot of repression of my feelings for someone. :sad:

I had a feeling there might have been something like this holding you in check Curious.
I remember my frst massive crush, i was 15 years old, I was shy, and convinced i was plain and uninteresting to any boy, i played my bookworm part that i felt had been assigned to me to perfection. i was feeling so enamoured of this boy , however, that i sent him an anonymous valenine card, and was spotted with it on the bus my a girl in my class, she said she wouldnt say anything, but she told him.. the next day in school he brought the card in and ripped it up in front of the whole class, and told me never to look at him.. that i had no chance, and what was I thinking? I was mortified, I wanted to die,..lol. but I survived, and got over the humiliation, in a way, I realised then my own strength, to feel the humiliation, but not let it take over me..But, much like you, I stifled after that, any feelings like that until I was ooh about 18 or 19, I had the same brain freeze as you, with the next crush, the same feelings of total inadequacy etc. This time, he was a lot more understanding, and even though I hid it well, he coaxed it out of me, I bit the bullet and let him know I liked him, I didnt want to be in fear all my life, and it ended well

Vizier makes a great point,.. it may help to visualise him as needing assistance. he's an INTJ right? INTJ's often are clueless about emotional cues etc, so smiling at him more, and being a little more relaxed and freindly will be helping him.. you'll be doing him a favour, as right now, he's probably confused about you too. You will be able to put him at ease, and confirm you have freindly intentions by smiling and being affable around him.
Dont be afraid ever, Curious.
Liking someone is not a crime, and if they react badly, it wont kill you, and if they react well, then great! You are stronger than you know, right now,.. strong enough to like someone , and not be crushed by their reactions. You'll see,.. you're strong, and hey, you're INFJ, you have bulit in charisma
G. x