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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I sorta chewed her out. In I guess ESTP fashion. As far as blurting shit out.

She has been ‘dramatic’ in her delivery for years with a few of us friends. Well the INFJ, the ENFP, and myself ESTP to say the least are much more callous. Me because I really can be like a meat head in this way. And then the ENFP and INFJ because they’re like Oh Gawd.

We’ve all known each other for like 20 years+

Well the ISFJ has always been the one who would maybe be thoughtful in what I’d call a surface way. She is the first to notice dates, brings card, cupcake, send a flower etc. Ok yes.

But she’s also the first to flake out and have stranger reasons than anyone else as to why she flakes out.

Ok so a few years ago she reached out to us. Said she was having ovaries looked at. Well even that was weird to read in a text. But then she text us all she was ok.

Well again I’m ESTP. You tell me you’re ok in a text I’m already onto my next whatever. Especially since it was just a biopsy.

Well the INFJ and the ENFP I will say can be more callous, I mean to the ISFJ than myself just being a meat head.

Anyways fast forward now a few years the ISFJ is messaging saying she’s having another biopsy etc.

Well me is like ok, but I’d like to hear from you besides hearing morbid sad shit. I called her out on flaking out on a few things and not understanding what she wanted from us. Well she spelled out to me it hurt her when we never checked on her after the first surgery and so she pulled back.

Ok but wtf, she said she was ok 🤔. This is clearly where I’m a meat head of the group.

The INFJ and ENFP are more irritated that she is fishing and don’t want to acknowledge. Me I’m fine if she needs attention I’d just like for her to fricken say it.

She waits for me to be like, ok wth ya want me to do? To explain she felt let down. (Uh why can’t she just say that).

Is it fair I stick to my ground and say your communication has sucked and it’s cryptic. But tell her I’m sorry we didn’t come through for her in a way she would have done herself and appreciated.

My hang up is she told us all she was fine. Like wtf. 🤷🏻‍♀️.
 

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I don't think it's that helpful to be hung up over her lack of communication. I think it's fine to let her know that, but it's common for ISFJ to have trouble expressing when things bother them or when they need something, I think.

Fe types can have trouble with expressing their boundaries and needs and a lot of time they don't mean any harm by it.

I wouldn't let her guilt trip you, but I would also maybe just state your feelings about how her saying she was fine made you think she didn't need anything.

And then maybe see if she'll talk to you about how she's feeling.

Unless you don't value the relationship. But if you do, I would just focus on her feelings right now, because if she's that bothered to text you guys again even after feeling like you didn't care, then she might be going through a hard time and she might really benefit from having someone to vent to.

One of my old coworkers was an ISFJ and she really appreciated having a friend that she could just vent and share her emotional stuff with. It also helped her figure out her own feelings and where she was stuck in life--just by having someone to talk to. It helped to open up to her as well about my feelings (not about her, but about anything similar I struggled with), because it "gave her permission" to open up more about hers.

That's my opinion--you're not wrong for being frustrated at the lack of direct communication, but it's probably not that uncommon for ISFJ to struggle with letting people know what they need or want. It's not like they do it on purpose.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Yeah that’s fair. Good points and good advice. I think you’re right. She needs her friends and rather than say that, she tested and well we failed 🤦🏻‍♀️.

I actually feel very bad I hurt her with my blurting out as well as made her feel like I don’t care.

I still need to stress I’m baffled.

But I think you’re right the focus should just be on actually checking she’s ok and letting her know we do care. Rather than being a pias callous little shit

I don't think it's that helpful to be hung up over her lack of communication. I think it's fine to let her know that, but it's common for ISFJ to have trouble expressing when things bother them or when they need something, I think.

Fe types can have trouble with expressing their boundaries and needs and a lot of time they don't mean any harm by it.

I wouldn't let her guilt trip you, but I would also maybe just state your feelings about how her saying she was fine made you think she didn't need anything.

And then maybe see if she'll talk to you about how she's feeling.

Unless you don't value the relationship. But if you do, I would just focus on her feelings right now, because if she's that bothered to text you guys again even after feeling like you didn't care, then she might be going through a hard time and she might really benefit from having someone to vent to.

One of my old coworkers was an ISFJ and she really appreciated having a friend that she could just vent and share her emotional stuff with. It also helped her figure out her own feelings and where she was stuck in life--just by having someone to talk to. It helped to open up to her as well about my feelings (not about her, but about anything similar I struggled with), because it "gave her permission" to open up more about hers.

That's my opinion--you're not wrong for being frustrated at the lack of direct communication, but it's probably not that uncommon for ISFJ to struggle with letting people know what they need or want. It's not like they do it on purpose.
 

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Yeah that’s fair. Good points and good advice. I think you’re right. She needs her friends and rather than say that, she tested and well we failed 🤦🏻‍♀️.

I actually feel very bad I hurt her with my blurting out as well as made her feel like I don’t care.

I still need to stress I’m baffled.

But I think you’re right the focus should just be on actually checking she’s ok and letting her know we do care. Rather than being a pias callous little shit
lol it's not that bad to be irritated, but she might really need you guys right now, and if you messaged her she probably would try to be supportive so I think that how she'd act is probably how she'd like you guys to act too--which is to just probably listen and see how you could be supportive.

And who knows...maybe she just wants to reconnect and try over again?
 
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My mom and all my aunts are ISFJ’s. Something you have to know about these individuals is that they are pretty repressed and don’t want to “burden” people with their problems. But, at the same time, they need to know that you care. They just won’t directly ask for it. It may not make sense to a lot of people, but that’s just who they are. Very private. Very protective.

So, she needed everyone to make a bigger deal out of it than was made. And—I’m guessing—she decided to take the passive-aggressive route by withdrawing because that was always my mom’s way of “showing” her anger and disapproval.

Unfortunately, Si doms like to ruminate, so the longer she feels like you all don’t care, the more damage is actually being done as she sits there and dwells on it, convincing herself that you all don’t “care” about her as much as she cares about you.

If you value the friendship, you should definitely explain that you truly thought she was fine and that you feel terrible about not realizing she needed more support during those times—that you are glad you are aware of what kind of support she needs in the future. Even if it feels like spewing bullshit, this is what your ISFJ friend needs to hear.

Hope this helps!
 

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Is it fair I stick to my ground and say your communication has sucked and it’s cryptic.
Sure, it's 'fair', but depending on how hurt they are, or how well they take criticism, I doubt that approach is going to help you 'redeem' yourself.

But tell her I’m sorry we didn’t come through for her in a way she would have done herself and appreciated.
I think this sounds more like a slap in the face by you adding that the apology is because you didn't go about it in a way that they would've performed. That doesn't really sound like an apology at all for what 'should' be apologized for - from their point of view.

If you don't really gaf you could send them this video and be like, bitch stop flouting your communications with meee!
 
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