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I like to tease people lightly and sometimes I ignore people's emotions. I think it's just because I'm a guy and I'm afraid to be all nice and look stupid. I am generally cold hearted and try to ignore my emotions. I think my feeling preference goes into a deep longing for love and making decisions based on other's reactions and my value systems rather than factual aspects.

So, how do I change? Male gender roles are ingrained in me it seems like.
 

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break the damn gender roll. your just hurting yourself. Try finding that happy medium. "I want to help you, but again be rational about it" end of story.
 

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break the damn gender roll. your just hurting yourself. Try finding that happy medium. "I want to help you, but again be rational about it" end of story.
It's hard... I'm worried I'm going to look weird and weak.
 

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It's hard... I'm worried I'm going to look weird and weak.
You will not! Test it out. one moment. see how it feels to to just be yourself. people might be all "oh he's emotional" but you know at heart your a tough person.

easier said then done, I know.

btw i remember hearing this on a episode of scrubs lol.."nothing in this world worth having comes easy" :p
 

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The teasing is one thing...I've brought people to tears of laughter by teasing them properly, its almost a sort of bonding experience being able to turn inadequecies, weaknesses, and faults into comedy. the ennogram 4w5 may have something to do with your deep longing for love. i've read descriptions where the 4's are more prone to desiring and longing than actually having love, that its more appealing (perhaps subconciously) for us to embody lack of or sacrafise as it causes greater intensity of emotion.. Being an INFJ... tapping into emotions is your strongest asset in understanding and working well with the folks around you. as far as being a man about it, take comfort that society has proven to be completely askew over the centuries in defining gender roles of all kinds..there is a mass brainwashing factor that needs to be discarded if one truly desires to be free of mother cultures powerful grip..look at how 'improperly' the female role was held in society not even 100 years ago compared to now in wastern culture
 

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I like to tease people lightly and sometimes I ignore people's emotions. I think it's just because I'm a guy and I'm afraid to be all nice and look stupid. I am generally cold hearted and try to ignore my emotions. I think my feeling preference goes into a deep longing for love and making decisions based on other's reactions and my value systems rather than factual aspects.

So, how do I change? Male gender roles are ingrained in me it seems like.
Yeah, this is a tough one for me too but unlike you, I really have no desire to change that because I may find myself on the other end of the spectrum of being too nice and taken advantage of.

I guess your best bet would be not to fall for neither of the two extremes: too cold-hearted vs. caring your heart on your sleeve. Nothing good can come of them.
 

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It seems to me that you are not cold-hearted, if you were you wouldn't be here asking this question. Try looking at it this way... you don't need to change who you are, you need to change your behavior. Some suggestions...
1) look for male role models who are kind and caring yet clearly masculine.
2) try some random acts of kindness, especially on women
3) find a volunteer opportunity that can help you practice acting in a more sympathetic way (such as in a nursing home or at a homeless shelter, etc)
4) develop friendships with women that you admire and get their input on what they look for in a man (I bet you'll find that the women you're most interested in are the ones that would be most attracted to a sensitive and caring man. And maybe that will help motivate you to just be yourself.)
 

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Discussion Starter #9
You will not! Test it out. one moment. see how it feels to to just be yourself. people might be all "oh he's emotional" but you know at heart your a tough person.

easier said then done, I know.

btw i remember hearing this on a episode of scrubs lol.."nothing in this world worth having comes easy" :p
Thanks. I think people who would see me as weak I wouldn't want to be around.
I will gradually embrace it and now school is starting hopefully I can try to be myself and not be too much of a teaser...
 

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It's hard... I'm worried I'm going to look weird and weak.
You will look weird and weak only if you do it all the time and even in situations where it makes no sense. But see on the other side you are appearing too cold and aloof and uncaring. There is gotta be that golden center in the middle somewhere.

If you express your feelings once in a while girls will like you more too. There is something very sweet about a guy who actually shows some compassion and demonstrates capacity to have deep feelings as opposed to always one-upping others and acting like a hybrid of a calculator and a jerk.
 

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Thanks. I think people who would see me as weak I wouldn't want to be around.
I will gradually embrace it and now school is starting hopefully I can try to be myself and not be too much of a teaser...
first expression stick too, show people you've changed. I'm starting college and I hope to make the right expression stick to because I fear the same thing you do. Please embrace it :D
 

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I think INFJ's are somewhat cold naturally.Is this a bad thing?Yes and no.Yes because it hurts our rlationships with others,no because i think it is part of who we are.Anyone knows,when we are loyal,you cannot get a better friend.I think the coldness is there because of a lack of trust with people,you need to be more objective.You need to find someone who is worth this trust.
 

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yeah man I used to totally get jelous when folks beat me to the punch, but it feels awesum to drop to one knee and dole out some good old fashioned respect and admiration. HAHA SWEET LUCKY FRIEND NUMBA 2!!! you rock kevin
 

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People don't change. I mean that in the truest sense: if your thought process doesn't include the emotions of others you may not be an INFJ, you may be young still and have yet to truly develop your feeling function fully, or you might be mentally ill :) (this paragraph is directed to readers in general, not necessarily the OP).

These are the three items I delved under for quite some time before realizing exactly why it was I was cold.

I see everything in a state of corruption. In my head I know how things are meant to be and should be, yet others are unable to see this. The people on the forum promoting unity and harmony are fools. Now insert what you'd like for people and forum to grasp the example. Why are people fools? I know when they are fake.

It's over the small abuses that our fellow man carries out, that my state of coldness is in play. I won't bother joining in on the gossip at work, those who connive are useless and dumb.

I consciously realized I was an INFJ (other than the true MBTI test I took years ago) when that coldness turned into extroverted feelings (or as those at work call my ferocity). The best example I can give is when two co-workers were debating politics. One was a Democrat, the other a Republican. They continued arguing the majority of my shift over the merits of such and such. Big deal, right? I agreed with some points both had to say. However, the Democrat began raging on America to the other employees whilst the Republican was away.

Talking points littered the man's speech, as those around him were either silent or laughing (I don't think either party truly understood how stupid this guy sounded). After the talking points came pure hate speech.

"Well, why didn't you like Bush?" I asked.
"Because he's a fucking retard who should have been aborted." (laughter among the masses)

I left the backroom to check on tables. I returned to hear anti-Bush rhetoric turn into America bashing. That was the line for me.

I silently began drawing an American Flag on one of the whiteboards we have to write expiring wines and menu items that have been depleted, all the while he is continuing with his rant. Calling those who try to challenge him, "dumb hick idiots" (censured on my behalf, but this is the general word play. America = evil and American = Dumb ass, to this guy.) I hope those around me knew he was being loud for attention. He was unable to debate why America was bad.

He walked by to check on his tables when he noticed the American Flag I had drawn.

"What's this for?" (General laughter from him and his cronies).

"This is so you can look your enemy in the eye, Pete."

"What? This is worse than the real thing! You suck at drawing!" (Laughter)

I began talking about Washington's crossing of the Delaware River.

Annoying response with less laughter.

Next was the beginning of our Republic. What the founders and general population went through.

Annoying response and no laughter.

I then began talking about the civil war, great depression, and world wars.

No response and no laughter. A question from a fellow waiter about Pearl Harbor.

"Well what about present day?" Pete asked as the talking points resume, this time on the Iraq war and Afghanistan. Imagine a rebuttal about oil, oil, and oil. However, he wouldn't stop. He realized the field was mine, his minions had retreated under my stance.

"You're an idiot if you still think America is all great!" (on and on he went)

I grabbed him by the neck and forced his head against the whiteboard, "Sometimes we have to fall to our knees, extend our hands to the ground, grasp dirt in both hands, and beat our chests to remember we're of this Earth. To remember we're all human. You weren't listening. My story was the story of America. A land of hope, courage, and sacrifice. Not this false Pariah your cowardly mind will only acknowledge and grasp. God, how we've failed at times, Peter. And I'll be the first to recognize that! However, what you're doing is unacceptable."

Needless to say that entire episode was emotional on my end. I had to continue to push tears of rage, glory, and sadness down. Nothing was lucid. I gestured greatly with my hands, my face showed the pain of America as well as its glory.

So yes, it is possible to be an INFJ male and to be cold. It's impossible to be an INFJ and cold for no reason, especially for fear of your masculinity. Being extremely emotional all the time is stupid no matter which gender you are.

As an INFJ I value authenticity.
 

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I couldn't have said it better myself

with me, a lot of my coldness came from my ego, I had a big ego, it still bites me in the ass from time to time, but I think I'm on the right track

I read some zen stuff here it is Ego - The False Center

and I realized I was needlessly putting pressure on myself which was turning me into a real pain for others who just wanted to be themselves, so I stopped

hope it helps

btw you never really realize how much stress you're under until you're out of it :wink:
 

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Discussion Starter #19
People don't change. I mean that in the truest sense: if your thought process doesn't include the emotions of others you may not be an INFJ, you may be young still and have yet to truly develop your feeling function fully, or you might be mentally ill :) (this paragraph is directed to readers in general, not necessarily the OP).

These are the three items I delved under for quite some time before realizing exactly why it was I was cold.

I see everything in a state of corruption. In my head I know how things are meant to be and should be, yet others are unable to see this. The people on the forum promoting unity and harmony are fools. Now insert what you'd like for people and forum to grasp the example. Why are people fools? I know when they are fake.

It's over the small abuses that our fellow man carries out, that my state of coldness is in play. I won't bother joining in on the gossip at work, those who connive are useless and dumb.

I consciously realized I was an INFJ (other than the true MBTI test I took years ago) when that coldness turned into extroverted feelings (or as those at work call my ferocity). The best example I can give is when two co-workers were debating politics. One was a Democrat, the other a Republican. They continued arguing the majority of my shift over the merits of such and such. Big deal, right? I agreed with some points both had to say. However, the Democrat began raging on America to the other employees whilst the Republican was away.

Talking points littered the man's speech, as those around him were either silent or laughing (I don't think either party truly understood how stupid this guy sounded). After the talking points came pure hate speech.

"Well, why didn't you like Bush?" I asked.
"Because he's a fucking retard who should have been aborted." (laughter among the masses)

I left the backroom to check on tables. I returned to hear anti-Bush rhetoric turn into America bashing. That was the line for me.

I silently began drawing an American Flag on one of the whiteboards we have to write expiring wines and menu items that have been depleted, all the while he is continuing with his rant. Calling those who try to challenge him, "dumb hick idiots" (censured on my behalf, but this is the general word play. America = evil and American = Dumb ass, to this guy.) I hope those around me knew he was being loud for attention. He was unable to debate why America was bad.

He walked by to check on his tables when he noticed the American Flag I had drawn.

"What's this for?" (General laughter from him and his cronies).

"This is so you can look your enemy in the eye, Pete."

"What? This is worse than the real thing! You suck at drawing!" (Laughter)

I began talking about Washington's crossing of the Delaware River.

Annoying response with less laughter.

Next was the beginning of our Republic. What the founders and general population went through.

Annoying response and no laughter.

I then began talking about the civil war, great depression, and world wars.

No response and no laughter. A question from a fellow waiter about Pearl Harbor.

"Well what about present day?" Pete asked as the talking points resume, this time on the Iraq war and Afghanistan. Imagine a rebuttal about oil, oil, and oil. However, he wouldn't stop. He realized the field was mine, his minions had retreated under my stance.

"You're an idiot if you still think America is all great!" (on and on he went)

I grabbed him by the neck and forced his head against the whiteboard, "Sometimes we have to fall to our knees, extend our hands to the ground, grasp dirt in both hands, and beat our chests to remember we're of this Earth. To remember we're all human. You weren't listening. My story was the story of America. A land of hope, courage, and sacrifice. Not this false Pariah your cowardly mind will only acknowledge and grasp. God, how we've failed at times, Peter. And I'll be the first to recognize that! However, what you're doing is unacceptable."

Needless to say that entire episode was emotional on my end. I had to continue to push tears of rage, glory, and sadness down. Nothing was lucid. I gestured greatly with my hands, my face showed the pain of America as well as its glory.

So yes, it is possible to be an INFJ male and to be cold. It's impossible to be an INFJ and cold for no reason, especially for fear of your masculinity. Being extremely emotional all the time is stupid no matter which gender you are.

As an INFJ I value authenticity.
I'm normally not cold for no reason, just people who bug me or people who don't understand me. I normally wouldn't do that for fear of masculinity but that is not showing emotions or being overly nice, and that is more so not looking weak or push over ish...

I'll try to be nice and not a push over... I just don't show empathy to people who clearly don't get me or people who get on my nerves (which isn't too hard).

The teasing is partially me because I have a dark sense of humor... plus it can be addicting.
 
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