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Discussion Starter #1
I've been friends with this guy (let's call him A) in my theatre department for almost three years. We got pretty close starting last year, and our friendship has grown since. I eventually developed very strong feelings for him. I was in denial about it for a long time, so I didn't want to say anything and risk ruining our friendship, especially since we have to work together for another year. Recently, I've been strongly encouraged to tell him how I feel by several people. V, his best friend, who also is a very good friend of mine, has been particularly persistent on the subject. V thinks there is a good chance that my feelings are reciprocated, as least as far as he can tell. A plays his cards pretty close to the chest, so it's very hard to get a read on him.

I'm afraid that my feelings have grown too strong for things to continue as they are. I don't want to ruin our friendship, which is highly important to me, but I feel like honesty is the best course of action. And I think we would be great together. We already have a fantastic working relationship and a strong friendship. He's an INTJ, and I'm an INFP. We balance each other out really well, and I think that it's worth the risk to tell him.

Here are my questions:
- Should I tell him? If so, what's the best way to tell him?
- What are the chances of this ruining our friendship?
- How do INTJs show attraction to someone?
- He's a traditional guy. For any traditional INTJ males, how would it come across for a female to make the first move?

Thanks for the help!
 

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Jaffa Master
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Here are my questions:
- Should I tell him? If so, what's the best way to tell him?
- What are the chances of this ruining our friendship?
- How do INTJs show attraction to someone?
- He's a traditional guy. For any traditional INTJ males, how would it come across for a female to make the first move?

Thanks for the help!
-If you don't tell him, will you be happy just being his friend? If you don't tell him and remain friends, will it impact your ability to take interest in other guys?
-The best way to tell him is directly. Subtly and hints may either confuse him or he won't catch them.
-Don't know the chances, can't know until you tell him unfortunately.
-If I'm attracted to someone, I show interest in getting to know them and their ideas. Thats also how I make friends though, so I guess its the same process.
-He's traditional in what sense? I would be grateful for a woman to make the first move. It removes a lot of doubt from my mind. I'm comfortable making moves after that, though.
 

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1) Tell him. Walk up to him and take him aside- don't do it in front of a lot of people, it's embarrassing to both of you. Do it some place where he can easily get away afterward to think if he's unsure of the course of action he wants to take. For example- don't corner him before the first bell (if you're still in school), ask to talk to him after school when you know he has his own car. Easy getaway and you don't have to talk to him until the next day if anything goes wrong.

2) Your friendship was ruined the moment you started liking him. Not to be too blunt about it, but the relationship as it is is just going to hurt you. It will be very hard on you to be friends with him and not want more than that from him, and it's probably already stressing you out and causing you to want to take action (as indicated by this post). Long story short, you will be able to move on if he doesn't reciprocate, and it's better to find out now so that you can move on faster. If he does reciprocate, you have more time to spend with him as a couple, and will be hitting yourself over not moving faster.

3) They don't. :tongue:

4) I don't know exactly what you mean by traditional. I have an INTJ friend who'd I'd describe like that though, and he had a crush on me for awhile. Part of what he liked about me, I think, was that I was straightforward and took charge of things- making the first move falls under this category.
Actually, I've had two INTJ guy friends who liked me and are pretty traditional, but I was only thinking of one of them when I wrote this.

 
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Should you tell him? Yeah, if you want to. Just be like "Hey man, I really like you." Blunt is good.

Last time someone I wasn't interested in told me they liked me, it didn't ruin our acquaintanceship, it's not super awkward. I'd imagine a friendship could be the same.

INTJs often don't "show" a lot of attraction. We hide it by creeping through all your profiles to learn all we can. Might try cracking into your account. Who knows.

I'm not "a traditional INTJ male", but chances are, he could be surprised at your forwardness and like it.
 

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Here are my questions:
- Should I tell him? If so, what's the best way to tell him?
- What are the chances of this ruining our friendship?
- How do INTJs show attraction to someone?
- He's a traditional guy. For any traditional INTJ males, how would it come across for a female to make the first move?

Thanks for the help!
I've not got a penis so I can't give an answer. I'll just stand on the sidelines with the suspicion that I'm watching a train wreck in motion.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Jeb:

- This is what I struggle with the most. I think I could be happy remaining his friend. Yes, if he started pursuing someone else, it would be difficult for me if I wasn't over him at that point. It probably also would impact my being able to be interested in other guys because this was unresolved. It's something I've considered, but not from this perspective.
- This is going to be interesting, then. I don't play games, but I'm pretty guarded about the way I communicate my feelings. Subtle hints have been my go to.
- Understandable.
- Ok. That sounds like him.
- He's traditional in the sense that he comes from a conservative background where the man makes the first move. I know he's not an absolute stickler about this, but I don't know how strongly he holds to this.

Thank you for your help! I really appreciate it.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
1) Tell him. Walk up to him and take him aside- don't do it in front of a lot of people, it's embarrassing to both of you. Do it some place where he can easily get away afterward to think if he's unsure of the course of action he wants to take. For example- don't corner him before the first bell (if you're still in school), ask to talk to him after school when you know he has his own car. Easy getaway and you don't have to talk to him until the next day if anything goes wrong.

2) Your friendship was ruined the moment you started liking him. Not to be too blunt about it, but the relationship as it is is just going to hurt you. It will be very hard on you to be friends with him and not want more than that from him, and it's probably already stressing you out and causing you to want to take action (as indicated by this post). Long story short, you will be able to move on if he doesn't reciprocate, and it's better to find out now so that you can move on faster. If he does reciprocate, you have more time to spend with him as a couple, and will be hitting yourself over not moving faster.

3) They don't. :tongue:

4) I don't know exactly what you mean by traditional. I have an INTJ friend who'd I'd describe like that though, and he had a crush on me for awhile. Part of what he liked about me, I think, was that I was straightforward and took charge of things- making the first move falls under this category.
Actually, I've had two INTJ guy friends who liked me and are pretty traditional, but I was only thinking of one of them when I wrote this.
1) That sounds ideal.

2) You're right. It's just hard to face that, especially since he is such a close friend.

3) Hahaha good to know :)

4) He's traditional in the sense of being from a conservative background that taught him that men make the first move. I've been concerned that doing it myself would bother him. It's helpful to know that might not be the case.

Thank you for your help!
 

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If you want to get closer to him tell him how you feel and that you are interested in more than being friends. Honesty is always the best course of action in my book. If he reciprocates he will appreciate your directness as INTJs tend to misunderstand social games or simply not care for them.

I think it would ruin your friendship more if you didn't tell him, it would eat you from the inside. And besides, if it would turn out that he just wants to be friends, if he's a true friend he won't leave you. The tough part would be getting over it, but that's no problem if you set your will to it.

Speaking for myself I don't show much attraction in the form of outward feelings at least. I keep my crush on someone to myself most of the time and will be very cautious about the whole thing until you get to know me well, then you'll probably get an avalanche of affection. I have no problem speaking about my feelings to someone I know and love, but it's not natural for me to act on them or show a great deal of emotion.

One thing I find absolutely disgusting is when I notice that a girl hints to me to make the first move, but doesn't take any action herself. Even if I like her I might get stubborn and ignore her for it. As for me I tend to view girls who take the first step as impressive and strong, so don't worry about that part. ;)
 

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One thing I find absolutely disgusting is when I notice that a girl hints to me to make the first move, but doesn't take any action herself. Even if I like her I might get stubborn and ignore her for it. As for me I tend to view girls who take the first step as impressive and strong, so don't worry about that part. ;)
Exactly this.

Giving in and making the first move seems like it sets a presedent that I will always be the one doing things. I like women who are strong, independant, and go for what they want in life.
 

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Giving in and making the first move seems like it sets a precedent that I will always be the one doing things. I like women who are independent, and go for what they want in life.
I have never been able to sum this up so well.

I cannot imagine INTJs really like "chasing" people all that much and setting this precedent feels like it is obligating us to a large amount of effort, when it really should just be mutual.
 

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I have never been able to sum this up so well.

I cannot imagine INTJs really like "chasing" people all that much and setting this precedent feels like it is obligating us to a large amount of effort, when it really should just be mutual.
Agreed. There is this unsaid perception that men need to earn it, like we need to compete with ourselves or others for a relationship to happen. Like we have to prove something first before any relational progress can be made. I don't want to win someone over, I want them to be genuinely interested in me. So I don't participate in these precedents as much as possible, while trying not to be passive.
 

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1) Yes. Be direct. I'm not good with hints, but I will understand "I like you.". But do it when you're alone with him.

2) That depends mainly on you I guess. I wouldn't mind staying "just friends" in case I'm not interested in more, but I don't think I'd like it the other way round. So I think the question is, would you be fine with just staying friends? I wouldn't and I doubt you would.

3) I don't. Not as long as I'm rather unsure about the feelings of the person in question myself. You won't be able to tell without me telling you, or without you asking me. If you ask, you'll get an honest response without beating around the bush though.

4) I have no problem with women making the first move. Such gender roles are stupid.

Good luck.
 

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Should I tell him? If so, what's the best way to tell him?
You definietly should. And you'd better do it in an unexpected moment. Preparing and making some atmosphere might make him nervous
- What are the chances of this ruining our friendship?
If he doesn't feel it the way you do, try to explain that this friendship is really important to you. I think he'll understand. Of course you can turn it into joke, but that's not the most mature way :D
- How do INTJs show attraction to someone?
According to my poor experiences..We show attraction only when we're 100% sure, and then we're very honest about it. But sometimes we overanalyze and do nothing about our feelings because they're not essential to living.
- He's a traditional guy. For any traditional INTJ males, how would it come across for a female to make the first move?
INTJs love breaking schedules and old schematics. Don't worry, just say it :D

Good luck, anyway :D
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Should I tell him? If so, what's the best way to tell him?
You definietly should. And you'd better do it in an unexpected moment. Preparing and making some atmosphere might make him nervous
What's the best way to pull him aside without making it obvious and "making an atmosphere"? We don't hang out enough one on one for me to be guaranteed a good moment to tell him. My idea had been to ask him if we could talk about something (which I've done before for other things) and taking a walk somewhere (also something that I did before for another conversation about something unrelated). Would that be no threatening enough, or should I rethink? If so, what would you suggest?
 

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Good answers here, well said guys.

Dear, just a little thing, obviously not 100 % verified or valid, but should I prevent you from doing mind trips about your relation dynamics? I mean, he could gladly like you the same way you like it, just don't imagine that will change things "so much", related to his behaviour toward you.

He'd be kind, dedicated, funny and all the good things you like of him, but don't expect him to be really warm, sharing and all those traits whose lack makes our type labelled as armored unit, haha.

Just keep your expectations low and you won't be hurt. Apart from this, it could work out pretty well.
 

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I'm a female INTJ, and if I like someone, I don't immediately tell them. So if he's anything like me, you probably would have to tell him you like him. You might even find out maybe he likes you back? I dunno, but I appreciate straight-forwardness. It'll all just be a matter of whether he likes you back or not. Goodluck.

EDIT: I meant to say, I like straight-fowardness as in, if someone likes me I would appreciate them telling me. NOT that I would tell someone about my own feelings, no. Haha.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
Thank you all for everything you've said. You given me a lot of things to think about and have helped give me the courage to tell him by settling some of my fears. I really appreciate that. The plan is to tell him Friday night, so any last minute tips or thoughts?
 

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Thank you all for everything you've said. You given me a lot of things to think about and have helped give me the courage to tell him by settling some of my fears. I really appreciate that. The plan is to tell him Friday night, so any last minute tips or thoughts?
No. Good luck. Let us know how it goes!
 
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