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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Help...
I am an INFP. Forgive my lengthy post, I need your ESFP responses.

I was crazy in love with an ESFP, I still am. I didn't know his personality at the time was ESFP, I thought maybe ENFP (because we had some really great conversations) or ESTP (because at times it was hard to know what he was feeling, he was not very good at communicating it or at initiating anything), but I'm pretty confident now that he was a Feeler. I am only really seeing this now.

At the beginning it was a little like this;

He wasn't as extreme as that woman, but he did draw me out of myself, add some adventure, play with me and I loved it. It was what I always believed love should be like; having someone to explore life with, side by side, to be my playmate and soulmate, to live life to the fullest, making the best of it. Life was so full and everything was interesting. It didn't matter what we did together and I was often the one initiating fun things like; chasing storms, making snowmen, throwing parties etc. And we had so many hobbies together; driving to our fav winery, trying new wines, movie watching, exploring new ethnic foods... etc, etc, etc....this is what I want in a partner... to laugh and love life together.

Near the end I felt judged and unloved by him, that he thought I was not good enough for him. He started to be really ignorant about things, to talk about me behind my back. I tried to get him to think about our relationship and we nearly broke up a couple times but, never fully. I did not want to create drama, but I wanted him to be serious about us, to communicate. I kept giving him space, which he would gladly take, but which he would not use to assure me we should be together. I kept coming back anyways, wanting to make it work and he kept taking me back.

It broke my heart. He started to show interest in one of my friends and I panicked. I felt I was the only one who really cared about keeping us together. It seemed like, because we were living together now and our relationship was getting that much closer to seeming like marriage, that perhaps he was second guessing things. He did not know how to communicate his thoughts to me, so I didn't really know what to do. He told my friends that things about me needed to change.

He was in the "film/tv world" and I was sometime feeling like this:

Then, I let someone into my life, kind of out of spite to my ESFP, but not really intending to go as far as I ended up going. A man asked me out and It felt nice to be appreciated. I clung to the one showing interest (ESTJ). He seemed sincere, strong and supportive, even though, I didn't think we would be a good match, I was intensely attracted to him and I thought he would make me feel safe and bolster my sense of self. For awhile there, he did, but it ended up being a HUGE mistake. Opposites attract, but they don't necessarily work out. Also, I still love the ESFP I was with before, no matter how hard I tried to forget him, to assert to myself that he didn't love me anymore, and to just move on.

I chose some false idea of security in the ESTJ, over the man who I think I will always love (the ESFP). ESFP cut me off and refused to talk to me about it. I gave him many chances to fix things, holding the ESTJ off as best I could, but my ESFP had never really seemed to be an initiator. He would not respond to me, he cut me off. I was not sure if this was because he was authentically hurt, or if he knew that he didn't really want me and I would just keep coming back to him. After a little while, he started to pursue my friend he was interested in. I don't think he got very far with her, but not sure. When I found out, I freaked a little and she cut off friendship with me. :)S) Funny thing is, I think she was an INFP too.

I think he is single now. I saw him in the park not long ago and he was alone. I think he saw me and my friends, but he didn't stop, just walked past. He didn't have to let me see him, but he did. My friends say they haven't noticed if he has ever dated anyone after me. It's been about 4 years. He has creeped my profile a few times, once recently, and it makes me wonder if he may still, deep down, care about me?

I have attempted contacting him, but I'm not sure he will ever let me in again. I know appearances are important to him and since all his friends feel I've betrayed him, and his ESTJ parents felt I was not good enough for him, he may ignore his feelings?

I'm not sure if he really loved me anymore near the end, but I was his longest relationship. We were together 3 1/2 years, living together for one year. While we struggled the last year of our relationship, Our final breakup was quick and angry and heart-wrenching. It took me a long time to try and push him out of my mind and to move forward. It helped a bit having the ESTJ there to distract me and bolster my sense of self, but my ESFP was never really out of my heart. I grieved him tremendously. The moment I thought I was over him, I'd grieve again. I think i will always love this man. I am still finding it so difficult today after 4 years.

Do you think an ESFP could love an INFP enough to reconnect after feeling betrayed?
OR do you think it's likely he was already halfway out of the relationship and that what I hurt was more his ego then his heart?
How do you think I could ever convince him that I am worth loving again in the future?
Do you think his sneaky ways of checking up on me is out of guilt? or curiosity? or to see if I'm doing ok for myself? But not out of love?

I think I am having trouble with closure because he never really communicated how he felt very well, especially near the end. I felt I lost my trust in him and it made me angry. I know I am responsible and have apologized. It doesn't seem enough.

When we first met, It was like magic. IT was like; So this is what true love feels like? We were like those couples people 'gag' at (or envy); always holding hands, cuddling and smooching, always doing fun things together. It always seemed too good to be true....

Perhaps he got bored with me? Yet he blamed me in the end. I still carry this blame around with me and I still love him. I don't know what to do with it or how to move on.

Every film I see, or song I hear, or tv show I watch reminds me of him. Whenever I see the movie 5 Year Engagement I break down! and I love Judd Apatow films... I love to laugh! but, it's the story of us except he was the successful one, and I was the unsuccessful one, not being able to find stable work with my Psychology and Art degrees. I don't know if we will ever get together again, like they do in the movies.

I feel like I will end up like this:
Striving to be successful enough with my life to be worthy of winning him back, never knowing if I ever can, or if someone else will snag him up first. He had always told me to go become successful and he would wait for me, but I don't know if that would apply now.

So, how do I win back an ESFP?
 

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Hey, that's a great story. I like your use of video aids.

It's hard to answer such a general question. For me, I'm very forgiving and would not be that hard to "win back." It would probably only take doing fun stuff with me and treating me kindly and appreciating me. That's all I ever really ask from anybody. But I can't speak for your dude. He may be pickier than me. :wink:
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you! :) I really appreciate your response....
Perhaps he really was on his way out of the relationship already and just didn't want to hurt my feelings.
I don't know why he didn't love me anymore. It's like when it got too real, I wasn't what he imagined me to be anymore. His eyes were also likely straying. He must have had his reasons, I just wish I knew what they were so I could have that closure.

I doubt he would ignore my praise by contacting him again, but it's clear that he will ignore me.
I don't know why I put myself through that, I just can't help it. I go for what I want.
Perhaps there is someone out there who will see me more for who I am and still love me.

Thanks Fat Bozo ;) xo
 
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Thank you! :) I really appreciate your response....
Perhaps he really was on his way out of the relationship already and just didn't want to hurt my feelings.
I don't know why he didn't love me anymore. It's like when it got too real, I wasn't what he imagined me to be anymore. His eyes were also likely straying. He must have had his reasons, I just wish I knew what they were so I could have that closure.

I doubt he would ignore my praise by contacting him again, but it's clear that he will ignore me.
I don't know why I put myself through that, I just can't help it. I go for what I want.
Perhaps there is someone out there who will see me more for who I am and still love me.

Thanks Fat Bozo ;) xo
Aww, you're welcome. I've noticed a lot of the topics that get posted here are relationship advice things, and I never know what to say, really. I mean, I'm very easy to please, and the difficulty in my past relationships has been the other person changing, not me. But I wish you the best, and someone that will truly appreciate you. :happy:
 

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Food literally always makes me happy if I'm pissed off (even severely). Good luck with everything though.
 
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