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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Okay so guys I desperately need some of your help! I need some advice on how to win the heart of the most amazing girl (INFJ ). Everytime we talk we have this ethereal type intuitive connection. It's like she can see straight into my soul like no one else ever has, it's the most incomprehensible otherworldly awe i've ever experienced, especially after spending the vast majority of my life thinking I was destined for misunderstanding and solitude.

I know she's an INFJ ( she actually knows MBTI, amazing right? ) she also knows i'm an INFP though, so I don't want my approach to be out of the ordinary and I definitely don't want it to be manipulative or anything, as that just isn't how we roll. ;3


Okay so some back story, and I know it's long so if you can't be bothered reading it please at least give me some insight as to general things INFJs look for in guys, I would greatly appreciate it.
I had an old thread on this very exact same topic from 2 years ago but life amongst other substances got the better of me my head was a fking mess and I found myself moving to make a change for the better. I've recently moved back to my hometown, after 2 years of living in the city and finding myself a bit.

Only a few weeks back, and i'm in the bottle shop, next thing I see the exact same girl I used to burn for. I'm talking can't sleep, she's the last thing on my mind most nights, type burning. At first I panic and avoid her as we hadn't seen each other in person for over 2 years, but then, as she is walking out the exit something unexpected in me forced me to call out her name, man i'm glad I did.

We start talking and I swear we barely even spoke much but the conversation/meaning seemed so much more indepth than that, The body language she was throwing off.. (especially as an INFJ as apparently you guys say a lot like that? is that true? ) how she was standing, how close she was, how comfortable we were even in the moments of silence before you realise you are about to say goodbye to one another. It made me wonder what if I have a chance for things to be different this time around.. what if somehow finally some kind of celestially alignment or whatever it may be, something in the universe finally holds me in favour. What if.......

She even seemed to linger as I went to say bye and that we should catch up sometime.
Basically after I walked to the car, all the feelings for her that I had painfully learnt to forget in the past, were back and my head was swimming with the ideal of being perfectly content together, as a cursed idealist tends to do.. As soon as I get home, I find myself stuck in the exact same mindset as I was 2 years ago, my whole outlook has changed.. my preference in music has turned to almost nothing but Sigur Ros, and my mind determined to do things differently this time... Do things right... I'm not the same immature mind game shell of a person I used to be.

But did I? dammmn.. I just don't know..
I think I may of made a fatal mistake, I think I may have come across too obvious as that night I messaged her straight up saying we should catch up, she agreed in a vague sense but nothing was set, and she just didn't seem that eager to talk that night either. *facepalmed for days after* contemplating just how hopeless it was, but I didn't give up. No sir.

We chat maybe a few times for the next week or two following that, which is impossibly difficult for me to do, as I see her online and try and restrain myself from instantly sparking a conversation every time, LIKE EVEN RIGHT NOW luckily I have this to write or I would be hopeless. I'm so pensive in whether or not i'm being too friendly too fast, and this heinous limerence just evokes such emotional self immolation. But I manage to keep it to a minimum. I don't know though should I be straight up or not? I feel like I can't just throw these things on someone after almost 2 years of no communication.

Either way a few weeks go past and we are talking one night and her plans for the weekend come up. Now she is good friends with one of my other good friends ( a guy ) as we all went to school together years back. She says she's going out for a few drinks with him and a whole bunch of his friends "if i'm down", I don't know what to make of it really whether I got an invite for the sake of knowing them both or what, but luckily I've been meaning to catch up with this guy friend anyway so I end up planning to go with him anyways.

The night comes and she isn't even sure if she's still coming, but this is relayed through the guy friend as I didn't want to ask and give the impression I was only going for her, for all I knew he hadn't even told her I was coming. She did end up coming with a friend who came across very judgemental and also very influential on her, but by the time she arrived I'd already had far too many drinks and was quite tired and definitely not myself as this guy friends personality is very different and extroverted he had a lot of other extrovert type friends i'd never met and as an INF I tend to throw up a bit of a persona and let my true self sit in the shadows for a bit.

Either way it didn't particularly go well, we barely got to speak and when we did I acted like a fool still wearing my mask despite the fact I was talking to her, I don't know maybe I was too nervous or too overwhelmed, either way it was fucking terrible and I felt like a tool. She ended up leaving pretty early instead of coming back to my friends place like everyone else, and I barely even said good bye by that point I was just so confused and intoxicated I couldn't keep my shit straight, mentally that is, physically it just resulted in me mirroring a strange extroverted type personality.

Either way I was pretty quiet the rest of the night we ended up leaving pretty soon after, there was a bunch of us that went back to the guy friends place and I mean there were several good looking single girls amongst that group but I had absolutely zero interest in anything to do with them, despite the fact it essentially felt hopeless with the one I really wanted, I'm just not that type of guy that jumps ship.

I barely said anything the rest of the night, had a few drinks and found myself in deep contemplation, by about 4am I decided fuck it I was going to get a taxi home, now this was a pretty ridiculous distance and cost a bit not going to lie, but in that state I needed to be alone with my thoughts, despite the fact everyone was asleep and I awake. I eventually got home and I don't recall what I was thinking when I did it, but I wrote her a text explaining what had just happened something along the lines of I just did all these obscene things paid $70 for a taxi at 4am in the morning for no real reason, and almost got stabbed by a group of hooligans ( irrelevant ) but still it was blatantly evident to me that she was utterly amazing. ( the first she'd heard of my intentions in 2 years )

Now here is what I really need to understand...
The next day she replied with such brief messages and responses saying "woah, you almost got robbed?" I said yeh it was really nothing just some drunk idiots yelling at me while I was sitting in a gutter at 4 in the morning with a doona on my head, and apologized and played it off as a drunken message (which it kinda was) and stated that I had the IQ of a toaster etc.

She still said nothing about what i'd really said to her in her reply, so later that night I messaged her saying are you not going to acknowledge the illucid facts I spewed out last night cause it's starting to get a bit weird in a joking manner, no reply for about an hour so I sent back "actually I can deal with weird i'm a clown lets leave it at that", she then replied pretty quickly saying "everyone does weird things at 4 in the morning", I went on to tell her that although that was true sometimes weird things at 4am in the morning weren't always that distorted from the truth. I haven't texted her or spoken about that since.

However the next night I started talking to her online casually as if nothing happened, and we actually got onto the subject of how alike we were after discussing common values and politics ( we just got a new prime minister in australia who isn't many peoples favourite ) and how obscene the worlds hierarchy is, we spoke for 2 hours straight the conversation was constant and it was amazing we spoke about so many things, got onto how alike we were even in MBTI type, she even said we are three out of four ( INF ) and that we do the same things think the same way, she was even reading up on my profile ( which kind of worried me for a bit there haha ).

Either way I still get the sense she just sees me as a platonic friend and hasn't considered how compatible we are in that sense, How can I get her to notice me in that way and notice my intent? I mean I don't think i'm overstepping my reach expecting there to be a possibility she could reflect those feelings, as back in school she admitted she had a thing for me and we used to talk but I wasn't who I am now, back then, and at the time I didn't know any better and was miserably "happy" with someone entirely incompatible anyway.


What is the key to an INFJs heart, if any? Or do you INFJ girls out there think i'm grasping at a lost cause =[ ?
Please be honest as this melancholic limerent type yearning is eating me up inside, I'd rather you be harsh than to continue just sitting here at night in contemplation listening to Sigur Ros trying to figure out where I went wrong...

I apologize for all the obscene spelling and punctuation that this is probably riddled with and I also apologise for the sheer size I didn't realise how long it would take to explain and I still don't feel i've explained fully well. But any suggestions anyone can give would be greatly appreciated. ^_^
 

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I'm not an INFJ obviously (sorry), but when I'm afraid that a guy I'm not initially interested in romantically is going to get too clingy or too pushy with his non-platonic intent, I tend to not reply or reply with very short, not-so-special messages. It's the be-nice-but-avoid-the-conflict way of the dealing with the situation. Especially if you hit it off as friends, it might ruin the already-existing relationship if you send her too many too long messages, especially if they're awkward as hell.

But that doesn't mean you should give up!

I dunno if other NF girls are like this too, but when I realize that a guy I'm not that interested in seems to like me that way, yet don't have the guts to be straightforward and make it clear, it almost feels creepy and/or sad if they just try to talk to me/message me too much.

My suggestion is tell her clearly that you are interested in her romantically, and that you would like to date her. In person. During the day. And don't do it while you're drunk. I think that's the most honorable thing to do, and even if she really was not interested in you romantically at first, she might be impressed that you have enough self-confidence to do that, and give you a chance.

"Self-confidence" is the important word there ^^

Good luck!
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I'm not an INFJ obviously (sorry), but when I'm afraid that a guy I'm not initially interested in romantically is going to get too clingy or too pushy with his non-platonic intent, I tend to not reply or reply with very short, not-so-special messages. It's the be-nice-but-avoid-the-conflict way of the dealing with the situation. Especially if you hit it off as friends, it might ruin the already-existing relationship if you send her too many too long messages, especially if they're awkward as hell.

But that doesn't mean you should give up!

I dunno if other NF girls are like this too, but when I realize that a guy I'm not that interested in seems to like me that way, yet don't have the guts to be straightforward and make it clear, it almost feels creepy and/or sad if they just try to talk to me/message me too much.

My suggestion is tell her clearly that you are interested in her romantically, and that you would like to date her. In person. During the day. And don't do it while you're drunk. I think that's the most honorable thing to do, and even if she really was not interested in you romantically at first, she might be impressed that you have enough self-confidence to do that, and give you a chance.

"Self-confidence" is the important word there ^^

Good luck!
Thanks @ficsci I honestly appreciate your input, it definitely helps put a few things in perspective for me, especially coming from an INF girl.

Yeah I know exactly what you mean in the being pushy with the non-platonic intent, that's exactly what i've been trying to avoid, as I think i'm just way too intense for people. Despite the whole drunken text that was just terrible terrible judgement on my behalf and far too much alcoholic courage and impatience, other than that message I don't think I have made it too overtly clear this time around, just yet.. I mean even when I said "things at 4am aren't always that distorted from the truth", I'm hoping maybe she took it as half a compliment but thought I was just being .... I donno nice? and reassuring her that she is pretty amazing in a ... friendly sort of way Haha, is that stupid as hell for me to presume? because for me to tell her she's amazing in the first place quite possibly makes it pretty obviously what i'm about.

I mean I avoid talking to her as much as possible, because I know I will talk to her too much if I don't inhibit myself, and when we do talk I tend to try and play it "just friends" like, trying to make her realise how much we have in common before I try anything more?

But maybe I should try hang out with her in person more as friends first? as honestly most of our conversations and connection have been online, perhaps if she sees who I really am in person, as opposed to the mask I put up around others when I don't feel secure revealing my INFP self, perhaps if she sees that she might see just how compatible we are? But that's it INFJ and INFP are so much better at expressing themselves in writing so i'm ... i'm pretty fuckin frightened of opening up in person to be honest because I just don't know how well I could explain myself, and then i'd just start getting nervous and acting irrational and like someone i'm not.

I know my massive spiel probably makes it out pretty obsessy, but I mean that's me I get way too attached and when I end up falling for someone I don't take a parachute with me first, I just straight up dive off the fucking cliff, it's just part of my demented nature I guess, but it makes me an infamous self saboteur as I am just way wayy too intense for people if I don't force myself to hold back.

But like she really means alot to me, especially considering the connection we share, so I just don't know what to do.
Thanks for your help Ficsci :) I really do appreciate it.
 

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Oh my goodness, your story is tearing my heart apart!! :blushed: It's like one of those intense, heart-wrenching, drama filled love stories you read in some of the classics.

I really hope for the two of you that you really ARE the perfect match, that your feelings will be returned with the same intensity and that in a few years you can both look back on a love that took time to unfold but grew all the more deeper.

And I really, really, really hope that this doesn't end unrequited and painfully. Because it just reminds me so much of the situation I was in a couple years ago right down to many details and the pain, disappointment and sadness I felt back then I wish on no one.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Oh my goodness, your story is tearing my heart apart!! :blushed: It's like one of those intense, heart-wrenching, drama filled love stories you read in some of the classics.

I really hope for the two of you that you really ARE the perfect match, that your feelings will be returned with the same intensity and that in a few years you can both look back on a love that took time to unfold but grew all the more deeper.

And I really, really, really hope that this doesn't end unrequited and painfully. Because it just reminds me so much of the situation I was in a couple years ago right down to many details and the pain, disappointment and sadness I felt back then I wish on no one.
It truly is a lonely and confusing world for us isn't it..
I really appreciate your high hopes for my situation though @Soulfully.
Thank you =]
 

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Oh M'ello there. I realize it's been a while and this may no longer be helpful. However since I recently fell in love with an INFP guy and received a lot of helpful commentary from INFP gents' and would like to return the favor.

I think that you have a lot of natural advantages in this situation being an INFP and considering how well the two types get along. As an INFJ I've often felt the same connection you've described with INFP's; both with close friends and significant others. Analytically speaking, a lot of this may be attributed to the fact that A. three letters are in common, and B. our functions are exactly mirrored. As in an INFJ's primary function is INFP'S inferior function and vice versa. This accounts for something super important which is both types feeling understood by one another. For myself and several INFJ's that I've talked with, feeling truly understood is a big part of feeling loved. As unusual, complex, and understated individuals, taking the time to really get to know her will probably go a long way toward winning her heart. I would also remind you to be patient with this process as INFJ's are usually very guarded (for good reason) and that it will take some time to get to the point that you want to be. You cannot force yourself into a place you need to be invited to. It takes time because of the level of loyalty, love and commitment she would give you if you were in a relationship. You need to build a report of trust. That means asking careful questions about who she is, allowing her to volunteer information when she's ready, entrusting her with personal stuff, being reliable yourself, and maintaining honesty/genuity/ openness. It may be a slow build, but it'll last forever. If you guys start to really trust each-other then you can respectfully move on to physical affection (if she hasn't initiated it already).

It sounds like you've done a great job connecting with her about philosophy, politics, and sociology. I bet that has helped you in displaying that you can be an intellectual companion, which is a solid start. If you really want to tug on her heart strings though I would involve music, art, and poetry to the mix; particularly if you have talent in any of those areas, which, as and INFP, is likely :). Another irresistible activity that is conducive to both your personalities is to go on some sort of adventure with her. It's likely she has an adventurous spirit, whether you are aware of it or not.

It might also help to be thoughtful with gifts and utilize the common bond INFP's and J's share that is their love of symbolism. And their value for genuineness.

If you do win her over:
-maintain that trust, be genuine, be honest.
-display your affection through everyday things
-remember her perfectionism in your relationship is intended as a compliment and is a bi-product of her life long commitment and dedication to be the best she can be for you.
-I think both of you will probably need to respect eachothers space and hash out time for recharging (as introverts) but since you both understand this, i don't see it being an issue.

Hope that helps, good luck!

ps. Sigur Ros is awesome!
 
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