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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This might be a stupid question but in talking to a penpal INFJ I made a subtle joke about dating, just to test the waters and she said she wasn't dating. If that's a personal preference, I totally get that. What I'm wondering is if INFJs typically take a very slow approach to dating or put walls up initially to make sure the intending pursuer is honest in his/her intentions (or honest in general!). I've dated SPs and SJs and the initial hurdles are low (way lower for SPs, lol). Thoughts?
 

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Woke up one day and I was in a relationship.

For me, there was just something genuine about her that I just never saw in somebody else. Usually though my guard is way up because the very nature of people can be extremely toxic. INFJs just have this uncanny insight for people and are not easily misled. So it will only be natural for us to take things slow and internalize the intentions of everyone.

For this person though, you said she isn't dating. Without trying to sound too insensitive that comment is usually reserved for people women/men are just not interested enough in. Think about it, she isn't like store that "closed" after certain hours, if she meets the man of her dreams I don't care how "busy" her life is or if she "isn't dating right now", doors will open.
 

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I think slow to start, and not wanting to initiate anything would be typical for INFJ
however once they have passed a certain point in the relationship it goes fast because we may become committed to the person really quickly...or at least that's how I am

so long as you can tell that the others intentions are true that is....

I did not start my relationship I would have never even messaged him or anyone
- however once he showed interest in me (after I had pretty much figured him out after the first few dates) it wasn't a yr later that we were married.
 

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I'm pretty cautious about dating. I will usually be "talking" to someone a few months before I would consider it dating.
I like to be sure that the person is pursuing me with the right intentions. This might be different for INFJ males and females though. I feel like since I'm female I have to be extra careful about males and their intentions with me.
I can sort of test people at first. I want them to know from the start that I'm not easy.
 

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trying to date is like walking on eggshells. I often (too often) got not only bad answers, but angry answers (or "making jokes about me" answers). So I stopped it. The burnt child dreads the fire.

btw: 2nd problem with slowness: others are successful. you not. IDK, i dont know many single women, only one, but she seems to be hard -shelled to me (idk, I am not her type, sadly, I think)
 

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When I was younger I had no clue.. I got jumped mostly or I left girls feeling confused and maybe a little hurt by my not knowing what the signals were. It wasn't just that.. My confidence was that I would never presume someone was actually attracted to me.

Things would progress slowly or not at all.

But as I get older relationships happen differently.. It's pretty apparent to me now when the sparks are flying. Things naturally and easily move along. We just bond and if we keep bonding we are bonded..
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
For this person though, you said she isn't dating. Without trying to sound too insensitive that comment is usually reserved for people women/men are just not interested enough in. Think about it, she isn't like store that "closed" after certain hours, if she meets the man of her dreams I don't care how "busy" her life is or if she "isn't dating right now", doors will open.
Yea that's good insight and I'm open to this interpretation also. I haven't met this person yet nor have we talked long so that's a huge factor. I'm broadening my question to all INFJs because I'm hoping that when I meet one that is ready to date, and if we click mentally/emotionally, that I don't rush things.
 
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This may sound very odd, strange and totally counterproductive but most of my relationships begin as friends then slowly begin to move to the next level. It's just that I feel a lot more comfortable dating people I personally trust and have established some kind of bond.

Given, some people I have fallen in love with as friends never get to the next level because I have already been thrown to the friend's zone. And that's the danger following that approach. But surprisingly, this method has worked well for the most part for me. The only difference is that now I put some sexual chemistry into the cauldron from the start before becoming friends so it kind of lets them know that I'm interested in their friendship but wouldn't mind dating them later on.
 

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J's in general won't jump right into a relationship. I won't make that mistake either. INFJ females will take the friends first approach. I'm sure she will hang out with you and talk to you. Direct communication is a great start to develop any kind of relationship. She'll have to open herself up as she trusts you more and more. I think the 'let's get to know each other first before we call ourselves dating' is the best method for every personality that is mature and unafraid of making commitments.
 

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This may sound very odd, strange and totally counterproductive but most of my relationships begin as friends then slowly begin to move to the next level. It's just that I feel a lot more comfortable dating people I personally trust and have established some kind of bond.

Given, some people I have fallen in love with as friends never get to the next level because I have already been thrown to the friend's zone. And that's the danger following that approach. But surprisingly, this method has worked well for the most part for me. The only difference is that now I put some sexual chemistry into the cauldron from the start before becoming friends so it kind of lets them know that I'm interested in their friendship but wouldn't mind dating them later on.
Beat me to it by a minute :)
 

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It just happens

To this day I don't have a clue how relationships are born lol. I have never played the conventional patterns of the matting rituals yet somehow I have find myself in relationships.For me it is just a natural development overtime. It just happens...today we are friends and at some point the relationship changes and we are a couple. That's one of the mysteries that I can't seen to figure out. I can't pinpoint the exact moment where the friendship became a relationship. But I am a bit unusual :p. I don't considered relationships superior than friendships( people always refers to this as becoming something more)..every bond that we have(be familiar, friend, work-related, partner) is precious on is own and can't be compared. I also don't like labels...things just are the way they are. Words have limitations and they usually fall short to convey abstracts things like feelings. Also we can't share experiences...no one can know with a 100% of certainty what are my feelings/thoughts...at best you make good conjectures from what you interpret. When I think about dating, it always reminds me of this hilarious scene:




Maybe there is first an emotional/intellectual connection and that leads to attraction. I honestly don't really know. In conclusion I don't date at all. Here "date" means on the conventional sense of the word. All my relationships so far have occurred in the context of a friendship and in any of the cases I thought about that when I met the girl in question.
 

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Haven't been in a relationship, or even an attempt at one, for a decade now. So I'm also going to go with the slow route. Or the indifferent route, to be more accurate. :eek:P

Previous relationships for me all started out as friendships first though. None of my SOs were ever intended to be such right from the start. Can't really say I've ever been on an official "date" either. Seemed kinda silly to bother, since by the time the serious part of the relationship happened, we already had been hanging out regularly. Didn't really need the whole "interview" process that dates are generally meant for.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Wow you guys are great. I move too quickly into relationships and it always blows up in my face because I either don't know what I'm getting into or my partner doesn't care to know me. Easy entry for a short, un-fulfilling ride. I'm honestly glad you guys operate this way because my fantasy partner would take things slow and try to get to know me. I love it.
 

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I think slow to start, and not wanting to initiate anything would be typical for INFJ
however once they have passed a certain point in the relationship it goes fast because we may become committed to the person really quickly...or at least that's how I am

so long as you can tell that the others intentions are true that is....

I did not start my relationship I would have never even messaged him or anyone
- however once he showed interest in me (after I had pretty much figured him out after the first few dates) it wasn't a yr later that we were married.
That's interesting, I've had several long relationships and lived with a few people but never got married.

Jamie, I agree, I was pretty offended that this girl introduced me as her boyfriend after dating her for 3-4 weeks. It really bothered me b/c we hadn't talked about it and I certainly did not consider her a "girlfriend" at that point. Apparently she did.

So yeah, I probably take it way way slow.

I am extremely independent so it takes a very special person to get me to give some of that up.

It's still pretty hard for me to determine when somebody is actually interested in me unless they are extremely direct and say it verbatim.
 

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This may sound very odd, strange and totally counterproductive but most of my relationships begin as friends then slowly begin to move to the next level.
at this moment, I became verrrrrrry jaleous o_O

(ok, a little bit)

as I know, the most people (female) tend to decide in seconds and your first step is mostly the last... the wrong step: "Hi friendszone".. or the women in the USA are different than in germany (btw. I think, this is possible)
 

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That's interesting, I've had several long relationships and lived with a few people but never got married.

Jamie, I agree, I was pretty offended that this girl introduced me as her boyfriend after dating her for 3-4 weeks. It really bothered me b/c we hadn't talked about it and I certainly did not consider her a "girlfriend" at that point. Apparently she did.

So yeah, I probably take it way way slow.

I am extremely independent so it takes a very special person to get me to give some of that up.

It's still pretty hard for me to determine when somebody is actually interested in me unless they are extremely direct and say it verbatim.
yeah, I was asked and I couldn't really think of one reason as to why not....I already wanted to be with him all the time (almost in a clingy unhealthy way) I get sad when he's not with me....like right now....he's at work v.v, getting married actually made things easier for me, moving out of my parents house and making my own life with him
on a side note- I too can not tell when people are interested unless they come out and say it, I think this is because there are many reasons why someone could act a certain way, for example if someone is being flirty, they may not really be, maybe they're just a friendly person and like to talk ect.
 

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Good question. I think your instincts are pretty correct on this one.

I have found it very hard to initiate "dating" with someone I don't know well. There has been a definite pattern in my life, probably 90% of my relationships have been with people that I either work with or (in school) were involved in intensive extracurriculars or projects with. It is unlikely for me to start dating someone I meet through friends and definitely not at a bar (I hate when guys try to pick me up at bars!) It is really important for me to feel like I know them pretty thoroughly in an objective way before I start dating them. When you start off a relationship with the intention of dating then you often present yourself in a really premeditated and artificial way. I like knowing how people are when they're not trying to impress anyone before I start dating them, so this is why I usually date guys I've already known a while from work or activities (though an INFJ often doesn't need much time to decide whether or not she likes someone).

Usually I am less concerned with how "honest" their intentions are towards me than whether or not they are a good or honest person in general. I have had relationships where me and the guy agreed flat-out beforehand that it would not (could not, due to distance and inclination) be long-term or exclusive. I'm not necessarily looking for a knight in shining armor, but I want someone genuine and upfront.

My favorite ex-boyfriend (can such a thing exist?) happened to be an INTP who was my supervisor at work. When we first dated I think I may have shocked him a little at my lack of honest intentions while he was trying to be super-respectful of me :) But I had known for a long time that he was a really good guy so he didn't need to prove anything when we finally started dating.

But to be honest, I agree with some of the other posters that "I'm not dating right now," sounds like a really gentle, typically-INFJ letdown to someone they consider a friend but are not interested in.
 
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