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Discussion Starter #1
I'm in the midst of a breakup/re-relationship with an INTJ that doesn't always know how to best care for me. I'm curious, how do other INFJs feel like they are being cared for by their partners?

I feel like my partner cares for me when they:
- offer a space to listen to me wholeheartedly.
- try to understand me
- spend alone time with me.
- introduce me to their friends
- introduce me to their favorite activities
- kiss me good morning/ good night
- compliment me
- willing and excited to participate in my activities
- remember my words
- ask how my day was
- ask for my opinion
- surprise me in a caring way
 
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I like having my back scratched often, a moderate amount of sex and a solid 10 hours of solitude per day.
Other than that, I'm pretty flexible and adaptable.
 

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1. Do not overstep my boundaries. I'm not always good at voicing my needs, as I don't have many of them in the first place; I'm a pretty simple person. I just like being surrounded by positive energy, so I'd probably do my best to make others around me feel comfortable and uplifted. But take any of my efforts for granted, and I'll shut you out faster than you can think. I may forgive your disrespectful attitude, but I don't necessarily forget.

2. Do not dismiss my insights as 'hilarious', 'crazy' or whatever when I'm sharing them with you. At least hear me out and make an effort to understand where I'm coming from. As an INFJ, I get plenty of insights in regards to people/things. Some may find them plausible, others not. I find it very hard to express my insights outwardly, and when I do share them with you, it means that I trust you, so if you dismiss them immediately without attempting to understand them, it'll feel like a stab in the heart. You have no idea how much it hurts me when I had spent so much time pondering, analyzing and crafting my thoughts out only to have them shot down when I do express them.

3. Acknowledge my personal space. I'm an introvert, and that means I value my personal space a lot. Whenever I don't feel like talking, don't take it personally -- I just feel tired from all the socialization and have to withdraw to recharge. So don't try to force a conversation out of me when I start giving one-liners, 'cause that usually means that I have used up all my 'social batteries', and further conversations will only burn me out more. But don't treat me like a loner because I'm introverted, either. I like socializing when I'm feeling recharged, and may even need social stimulation after a period of withdrawing -- just not too much of it.

Oh, did I mention that I'm also a bit of an empath? 'Cause absorbing emotions + introverted nature = tiring as hell.




I just noticed that I have all dont's and no do's. I guess I just have an easier time knowing what I don't want than what I do want.
 

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Similar to you really, I can't remember 100% what my love languages were, I believe they were 'words of affirmation' plus 'physical touch' or 'quality time'.

- I need a lot of time to recharge and be alone. Someone who can get on with their own life while I'm recharging whilst sleeping or simply being on my own for a few hours is a keeper in my book

- Someone who shows a genuine interest in my hobbies and career - if they don't care for art or writing, that's fine, but if they make fun of my interests or try to downgrade the signficance of them in my life, there is no relationship because these things are important to me

- Someone who wants to understand me, and doesn't just make assumptions or not bother asking me to clarify how I feel. I like to be asked about my life with genuine curiosity. I can tell if you're being fake

- Will be clear about my importance to them in front of their friends/family

- Will invite me to do things with them (I'm not really a pursuer or initiator, that needs to be their job for the most part until I'm more comfortable)

- Don't try and force PDA on me, it's uncomfortable, I don't need an audience for the affection you give me but that doesn't mean I don't want it

- Respect my opinion even if it's different to yours

- Doesn't treat me like I'm 'broken' or 'strange' for being introverted. Someone who appreciates my natural introverted nature makes me feel more willing to open up and show my social/fun side

- Appreciates how emotional or unemotional I can be

- Doesn't misinterpret my forgiving nature for being a 'doormat'. I will forgive but I am not stupid enough to forget, and yes, I will bring up your past mistakes if you repeatedly make them

- A very swift way to make me despise you is to call me 'emotional' for any reason, used as an insult. I am passionate about my values and I'm not going to be quiet about them just because they differ from you

- Treats me like an equal, that's very important to me. A dealbreaker for many relationships I've had proposed my way is when I quickly realise said person doesn't actually respect me, nor value my opinions, they just want me to look pretty and or treat me like their subordinate - that is not okay with me

- Someone who shows me that sex won't be the center of our relationship, a genuine emotional connection and understanding should be - I'm not interested in sex other than to make my partner happy, if you're not making me happy, it's not happening

- Accept that I am a private person, but that doesn't mean I'm hiding things from you, I just don't broadcast my thoughts and I'm careful about which ones I make known to others
 

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For the most part just be there for me and try your best. If I can see that then it's good. I know that it's almost like walking around eggshells when you're with an INFJ because we're such perfectionists. I know I get upset fast when something doesn't go my way the first or second or third time. Just trying to look a little past the doing part and see the trying and the being there is where I'm at right now. But really they are their own person too, they don't live only to make us happy pretty much. But there does have to be a balance there.
 

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I am a cold-hearted loner unable to emotionally attach to another human being, so I don´t think I have much to say in this matter. To show deep feelings comes as a weakness to me.
 

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I feel like I don't need that much affirmation or heart-to-heart conversation. I mean I think everyone probably does sometimes, but as a norm I think I find that sort of thing to be a bit too much. I'm pretty low maintenance emotionally speaking, and I pretty much take care of myself, and I like that independence that I have. If someone tried to take care of me in that way, I think I'd find it kind of invasive or babying.

But with that said, I can be the one that waxes romantic or offers really poetic affirmations of love. But that's mostly because I express myself easily through language and have an idealistic and expressive spirit. I don't need the same kind of effort returned to me. In fact since that's a world that I already live in, I can be more sceptical or critical of that sort of thing, because as something that I do, it's fundamentally less impressive to me.

If we spent enough time together doing interesting or meaningful things, had enough non-verbal expression of affection (which I think is more meaningful than the verbal kind, you can't really fake your body language, tone of voice, or how you look at someone), and they did nice things for me to show they were thinking about me, then I'd be more than satisfied. I think people who express love in more practical or understated ways can be under-appreciated, and in fact I think that sort of thing can often seem more honest or genuine, because it's just like their real feelings peeking through their behaviour and how they are around you.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
It doesn't take much at all.
I think I'm simple as well, but the simple needs are harder to fulfill than you might think. I'm not asking for money or someone to cook for me. I can be happy just having someone to listen to me and try to understand my insights without making me feel crazy. I'm also realizing how important it is for my BF to do activities with me, whether it be something I want to do or he wants to do. We need new experiences together. It's straining when we don't have enough alone time together. Out of the 30 hrs or so that we see each other per week, we're spending half of it with friends and the other half doesn't lend itself to meaningful conversations. I don't wanna have deep conversations every minute, but an eagerness builds inside and I want to connect more. Physical contact only gets us so far.

@Marv... My BF and I enjoy physical contact as well. Alone time is crucial to us too, but I don't mind spending a lot of time around the person I care deeply for because I know I'm alone most of the time anyways. I feel like a different person when I'm in a relationship. My partner becomes imbued with certain responsibilities such as checking that I'm ok or having good times with me. My partner enters my orbit. I see roles in a relationship. I try not to expect things, but it's impossible to expect nothing because I wouldn't have a relationship if he fulfulls nothing. I try to stay flexible and understanding though. My partner is unique to me, but I also see my relationship pragmatically. I want to learn and grow in my relationship and I'd want my partner to treat it the same way.

@e4envy... I'm not good at voicing my needs either, but I've learned if you don't try in a relationship then you both lose. You become tired and your partner will become frustrated with someone unfulfilled. It takes me a while to decipher whether my needs are legit or just something unreasonable. It gets difficult because I usually build up resentment before voicing my needs and it becomes a waiting game for my partner's reaction. Sometimes their reaction is slow and I become frustrated because a part of me would've liked to bring up my needs sooner and another part questions if they're working with me.
 

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I'm in the midst of a breakup/re-relationship with an INTJ that doesn't always know how to best care for me. I'm curious, how do other INFJs feel like they are being cared for by their partners?

I feel like my partner cares for me when they:
- offer a space to listen to me wholeheartedly.
- try to understand me
- spend alone time with me.
- introduce me to their friends
- introduce me to their favorite activities
- kiss me good morning/ good night
- compliment me
- willing and excited to participate in my activities
- remember my words
- ask how my day was
- ask for my opinion
- surprise me in a caring way
All those are great, and I like them too. I like it if she can sense I am feeling down, and come up behind me and hug me tight and put her cheek up against the middle of my upper back. Maybe whisper something sweet too. I haven't had that happen too many times in my life though. The times I've felt truely understood and loved are few. Whaaa. :)
 

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Discussion Starter #11
All those are great, and I like them too. I like it if she can sense I am feeling down, and come up behind me and hug me tight and put her cheek up against the middle of my upper back. Maybe whisper something sweet too. I haven't had that happen too many times in my life though. The times I've felt truely understood and loved are few. Whaaa. :)
I understand what you mean about only a few people understanding and loving you correctly. I feel like it's hard to find someone who can sense when I'm down. Usually it only happens when I'm completely down and look like I'm in a zombie apocalypse movie, but I know I hide my thoughts and emotions sometimes too. The hug thing sounds very sweet and specific haha. I'll have to try that on my BF sometime, he would like that. Whisper "you have a nice butt."
 

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  • Being given a good amount of autonomy to recharge/pursue my passions
  • But also being supported in those interests
  • Equally as intellectually curious, and constantly sharing their new pursuits
  • Being adoring/complimentary, both to my face and behind my back
  • Working to understand me
 

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I need my own space is the most important thing.

Thankfully, my partner as of this year understands that, being an INTJ herself.
We spent a week together face to face (we met online and have known each other about four years now) and it worked out surprisingly well. We're capable of being in the same room and being on our laptops, doing our own thing, or she's drawing and I'm writing...that's important for people who are naturally introverted, I think.

Also, I need to be reminded to eat. I'm bad at taking are of myself despite doing it my entire life.

Support without being overbearing is important, too.
Knowing that she's always there for me, but not needing to talk constantly is a strength.

But the ability to exist as individuals while being tied to one another is something I mostly see other relationships lacking, and yet to me it's always been important.
 

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I think someone even expressing that they do care about me is what I really need, because it means the world to me when people do. From things like bluntly stating that they do, or if I'm in a conversation with a group and that person encourages me to continue talking by nodding to what I say. Really anything like that is what makes my day, and whatever way that person can express it to me means a lot.
 
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I'm in the midst of a breakup/re-relationship with an INTJ that doesn't always know how to best care for me. I'm curious, how do other INFJs feel like they are being cared for by their partners?

I feel like my partner cares for me when they:
- offer a space to listen to me wholeheartedly.
- try to understand me
- spend alone time with me.
- introduce me to their friends
- introduce me to their favorite activities
- kiss me good morning/ good night
- compliment me
- willing and excited to participate in my activities
- remember my words
- ask how my day was
- ask for my opinion
- surprise me in a caring way
This list sums up my thoughts well though I would also add
-if I invite you into my (inner) world please take the time to enjoy it and appreciate it, few people rarely are given these invitations.
-a reminder that I can be a little selfish or assertive for my boundaries would be a appreciated if you think so.
-share yourself hopes, dreams, aspirations, sorrow, everything.
-remind me of the positive things out there and give me some hope.
 

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I need a lot of space and quiet. I feel very cared for when someone sits comfortably in silence with me, maybe reading something while cuddling. I need to be given direction, I have found, as well. "Could you do x for me please?" That way my questioning mind is never left wondering what they would like me to do. It causes me a lot of stress when I feel uncertain about what is needed or wanted. I also need a lot of physical reassurance-- the sense that, by their hand on my shoulder, etc, I know that they are always aware of me when I am near, and that they love for me to be near.

And these to a lesser extent:
-Don't ask me to plan every day. Don't keep us in the same routine every day. Boredom is a poisonous thing.
-Clean up after yourself. This tells me you care about the space we share, and that you don't take me for granted.
-Bring me surprises every now and then.
-Have plenty of time spent just talking to me, without doing something else. No distractions. Remind me you are as fascinated by me as I am by you.
-Go out with me. Explore with me. Do things with me. Spend time with me. I just can't stress how important that one is.
-But also have plenty of time where you are doing your own thing, and inviting me to be near while you do it. It is such a relief just to be wanted and not need anything of me but my presence.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
This list sums up my thoughts well though I would also add
-if I invite you into my (inner) world please take the time to enjoy it and appreciate it, few people rarely are given these invitations.
-a reminder that I can be a little selfish or assertive for my boundaries would be a appreciated if you think so.
-share yourself hopes, dreams, aspirations, sorrow, everything.
-remind me of the positive things out there and give me some hope.
You've described my idea of a relationship. I want to intertwine with my partner and let them see what I see. I could care less if anyone else sees what I see. It's a gift when your partner is willing and tries to do that. It's another gift when they welcome you into their world. I'm finding it tough with my INTJ BF because I'm letting him into my world, without a ticket into his sometimes. Although I'm currently trying to understand his disposition better and we probably don't function exactly the same. He probably doesn't understand what a big deal it is when I share my fears, my likes/dislikes, my cooking, etc with him.

@Pepperminty... I don't get mad when people forget my words, I do get annoyed when people aren't paying attention when they're suppose to listen to me. Although it's a REAL pleasure when people remember what I've said. I've only met a few people who can do that. It shows they care, but honestly my own memory is not great.
 
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