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Discussion Starter #1
hello! i am currently in a relationship with an intj (im Enfp). we started going out a few months ago and personally i really adore her and i think it's going well! i know for sure that she's actually interested and likes me because i've seen what she's like when she doesn't care about someone (and she's told me as well how she feels about me). she takes the time to do things for me that she doesn't have to, and i know that if she didn't actually want to do something she just wouldnt do it. she listen to things i have to say and she's very honest - she means exactly what she says and does.

my question is even though i know she likes me, she's a bit reserved. I personally am really social and i basically can hold a conversation with anyone for a decent amount of time, i also can be really open and goofy to people i've just met (if i like them lol, in other cases just polite and friendly). she talks to me, but i feel as if sometimes i say something and she thinks about what i've said and her opinion, and thinks about saying it, but then doesn't really tell me (this isn't all the time just sometimes). if its something she knows a lot about or has a strong opinion on she definitely tells me EVERYTHING she thinks about that subject and she can become really talkative and expressive.

but she says she enjoys talking to me and has always been the one to initiate phone calls (i also think she's more talkative and less reserved over the phone). In a group setting she turns to me to tell her insights and stuff even though she's closer to our friends than she is with me (she's known them for maybe 6/5 years, but she only met me like a year ago)

though she can be reserved, she can also be extremely goofy too in some situations, but usually more so in group setting with our friends (we have the exact same friends).

I just wanna be closer to her and more open with her (i'm sure it'll come with time) and more goofy! i wanna talk to her more and hear what she thinks about things (like everything)!

what's your opinion on her being reserved? is she just shy or like is this an INTJ thing? how do INTJ's open up to people?
thanks dudes!
 

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My longest term relationship, seven or eight years, was with an INTJ, I believe.

No, she never opened up to me, except that she let herself be known through our common language -- vile saracastic jokes at the square world. And me neither to her.

At least in this case, it was in part, not really shyness -- she was the kind of person who'd dress in outrageous punk costumes whenever she felt like it, and, speaking to another thread, she actually did shave her head AND eyebrows in college, IIRC. So, just a pretty brazen person.

However, who I suspect was really at the heart a pretty shy, private person, as am I, despite enjoying playing around with public masquerades.

Yeah, about your situation, I could only guess that she probably is just sort of hanging on to things, always processing, never not thinking, and, to go back into anecdote territory, it may very well be that she sort of has a dim view of all this mushy, sentiment stuff.

Couldn't say, but that's how I can answer.
 

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I’m not an INTJ and not in a relationship with one. But I am an introvert long-married to an extrovert.

Just to offer something for thought: From my perspective, it sounds like she is being pretty open? I can be a chatterbox but I go longish periods where I don’t say much or just uh—huh. My husband has thoughts on all sorts of things I just have no opinion on. When I do have something to say, I say it. Otherwise I just sort of drift along in my own bubble.

So if this is as open as she gets, are you ok with this? Introverts don’t become more extroverted just because they care. They may make a point of trying to clue you in more on their mood or what have you, but reserved people will remain reserved.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
huh yeah okay thank you that's useful to know! i'm cool with it and i really like her! i guess i'm just not used to it because of my own way that i think and perceive things, and also since my main friend is an ENFP as well. like for me even if i have no opinion on something i'll still make a comment about how i'm not sure how i feel about it and then i'll probably go on to talk about other people's opinions i've heard about said subject or i'll start to talk about something related. same for my friend. i'm very vocal about most everything i think if i'm friends with someone. i guess i'm just not used to how this can be really different for other people. thanks for insight!
 

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huh yeah okay thank you that's useful to know! i'm cool with it and i really like her! i guess i'm just not used to it because of my own way that i think and perceive things, and also since my main friend is an ENFP as well. like for me even if i have no opinion on something i'll still make a comment about how i'm not sure how i feel about it and then i'll probably go on to talk about other people's opinions i've heard about said subject or i'll start to talk about something related. same for my friend. i'm very vocal about most everything i think if i'm friends with someone. i guess i'm just not used to how this can be really different for other people. thanks for insight!
I only do what you mention if someone is asking for advice or upset about something and I think other people's experience might help them. Otherwise I'm not inclined to share thoughts that aren't meaningful to me (unless they are funny). With my best girlfriend we chatter about everything but that's because we don't see each other often and we have a lot to catch up on. But with my husband who I see every day? No, not at all. I will share stories about my day but I don't have a response to everything he says.

In fact, I sometimes tell him "You know, you can have thoughts on the inside of your head" or "You are doing that thing where you are sharing all your stuff with me and I'm trying to do my own stuff." lol Said with humor. I just have to remind him. Tolerance goes a long way. I think E/I can work very well but both sides need to remember that the other is not like them. And a shared sense of humor helps bridge the gap.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
In fact, I sometimes tell him "You know, you can have thoughts on the inside of your head" or "You are doing that thing where you are sharing all your stuff with me and I'm trying to do my own stuff." lol Said with humor. I just have to remind him. Tolerance goes a long way. I think E/I can work very well but both sides need to remember that the other is not like them. And a shared sense of humor helps bridge the gap.
haha that's funny :D we both basically have the same sense of humor so that's good. thanks 4 insight!
 

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i feel as if sometimes i say something and she thinks about what i've said and her opinion, and thinks about saying it, but then doesn't really tell me
some of the reasons why I might do that:

- the other person is talking too much
- the other person's in a different headspace and i can't find my own angle
- the thought that i had is not relevant
- the thought that i had is incomplete
- the thought that i had instantly led me to have another thought, see point above
- i question whether saying my thing would be more work than the thought itself might be worth.

i honestly can't think with someone else's voice in my ears. it's hugely distracting. also, i'm not a competitive conversationalist, so i don't go out of my way to get my own two cents inserted into some kinds of interaction.

i'm not going to hand you a conversational can-opener to help you break into her mind, but what does come to my own mind is: if you notice a thought taking place on her side, have you tried saying 'i saw you think something' and then leaving space so she can choose to follow through or not.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
some of the reasons why I might do that:

- the other person is talking too much
- the other person's in a different headspace and i can't find my own angle
- the thought that i had is not relevant
- the thought that i had is incomplete
- the thought that i had instantly led me to have another thought, see point above
- i question whether saying my thing would be more work than the thought itself might be worth.

i honestly can't think with someone else's voice in my ears. it's hugely distracting. also, i'm not a competitive conversationalist, so i don't go out of my way to get my own two cents inserted into some kinds of interaction.

i'm not going to hand you a conversational can-opener to help you break into her mind, but what does come to my own mind is: if you notice a thought taking place on her side, have you tried saying 'i saw you think something' and then leaving space so she can choose to follow through or not.
huh okay thank you! i will try that the next time it seems like that, i didn't think of that before. thank you for being so helpful
 

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huh okay thank you! i will try that the next time it seems like that, i didn't think of that before. thank you for being so helpful
i'm not every intj on the planet, but people really need to leave space for me to talk. i mean, this kind of thing is just oh-my-lord turf to me:

like for me even if i have no opinion on something i'll still make a comment about how i'm not sure how i feel about it and then i'll probably go on to talk about other people's opinions i've heard about said
i don't always feel hostile towards people who just will not shut up :tongue: but i do find them exhausting. it's like waiting for a gap in traffic on an eight-lane street at rush hour.

or like waiting for something to come along that i can respond to. so things like you borrowing other people's opinions etc, that's like i'm at the side of the road waiting for my own ride to show up. i'm not going to waste time or attention on all the other cars zipping by. so maybe she saw something in one of those borrowed cars, thought about responding to it and then changed her mind because [to her] she realizes that you're just filling in air. it's not an actual thought of your own, so why bother interacting with it kind of thing.
 

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Discussion Starter #12 (Edited)
or like waiting for something to come along that i can respond to. so things like you borrowing other people's opinions etc, that's like i'm at the side of the road waiting for my own ride to show up. i'm not going to waste time or attention on all the other cars zipping by. so maybe she saw something in one of those borrowed cars, thought about responding to it and then changed her mind because [to her] she realizes that you're just filling in air. it's not an actual thought of your own, so why bother interacting with it kind of thing.

yeah i kinda figured she felt that way so i usually think a bit before i actually say something XD i also used to be pretty shy around her, so i didn't really start off with being super talkative around her and i supressed a ton of my thoughts (which did not feel good because i wanted to interact more). currently i dont think im like "non-stop talking" but i'm way better at being less shy and more talkative like myself. thanks for ur insight!
 

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if you notice a thought taking place on her side, have you tried saying 'i saw you think something' and then leaving space so she can choose to follow through or not.
Yeah, I always liked that one.

It gives the interlocutor a good chance to recall a remark made by a Silver Age Roman orator, or an 18th C French diarist, to put the conversation back into equilibrium.
 

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One thing that I can comment on is that I'm also more comfortable talking at a distance - on the phone, in text, through email, through chat when I'm first getting to know someone. That way I'm engaging without zapping my energy. If I were to be interested in an Extrovert romantically, I'd be a bit slow to warm up to the idea of being more social. Still, I'd do it for my partner. Ultimately, though, my favorite time spent with my partner (regardless of introversion or extroversion) will be one-on-one.

It sounds to me that she's opening up to you just fine, though, from what you've said.
 
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through her actions i think she's already 'opened up' to you, to the extent that she can

you have to understand that some people are just very private people (myself included)

intjs like to show their affection through their actions, not words
 

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I agree with others who've said that she has actually opened up quite a bit. For me, the three things I value a lot are my time, energy and thoughts. And the more deeply and articulately I express my thoughts to someone, the more it indicates the closeness that I feel with them. And with a partner, those are the 3 things I would definitely want to share with him/give to him.

That said, there will always be a core of me that will remain private. That's just who I am. I need that to feel grounded with myself and it's probably also a built-in safety mechanism.

Here's my take: you're in relationship with this girl so communicate with her. To me, a relationship is about communication, balance and understanding. No point speculating about this on an online forum when you actually have access to the source -- this could be a conversation that strengthens your connection. As an INTJ, I would be more than happy to actually talk with my partner about the dynamics of our relationship and how we can better understand each other. Information is power; she can't meet your expectations (although "expectations" is maybe not the right word) if you don't even articulate them to her.
 

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I think that the easiest way is to just ask directly what you want to find out. The fact the we're INTJs (especially the I and T parts) doesn't automatically mean that we're not open to sharing things. It's just that we don't really feel the need to share. But if we're asked directly about feelings, we're not necessarily opposed to sharing feelings (at least that's the case for me, I can talk about feelings anytime). The answer may sound like a rational psychological self-analysis, and not an expression of feelings, but it is honest and will tell you more about what she feels, and more importantly why she feels the way she feels. Hope this helps!
 
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