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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
How do you court a stranger?

Online and Work/School Environment:

If you were the pursuer, how do you compete with others?
a) How would you present yourself to get attention? Any personal examples?
b) What kind of communication approach works best for you?
c) What is the mental list that must be fulfilled in order for you to interact with that individual (e.g. family-orientated, charming, humorous)?
d) What is your ideal dating environment?

If you were the pursued, how do you select a potential partner?
a) How would you be impressed by a pursuer's approach? Any personal examples?
b) What characteristics do you look for a partner? (e.g. kindness, intelligence, looks) Why?
c) Under what circumstances will you switch from being the pursued to pursuer? Explain.
d) What is your definition of love?
 

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If you were the pursued, how do you select a potential partner?
a) How would you be impressed by a pursuer's approach? Any personal examples?
b) What characteristics do you look for a partner? (e.g. kindness, intelligence, looks) Why?
c) What is the mental list that must be fulfilled in order for you to interact with that individual? (e.g. family-orientated, charming, humorous)
a) Simply come up to me and said, "Hi/hey/hello, my name is ___, you catch my interest. What's your name? Would you like to go out for lunch/beverage with me sometime?" Or something similar.

b) Kindness, patient, respectful, a puny sense of humor to help break the ice would be nice. For me, it alludes to a potentially calm temperament and for the start of a relationship it will help ease me in since I'm a bit slow to dip my toes. Aesthetics aren't a concern as long as there is chemistry.

c) Family-orientated, humorous, creative trouble-shooter.
Perhaps the biggest factor I have is that he is family-orientated. Not just in terms of having children, if he has no intention of having children that is not a deal breaker. But he will need to be understanding and accepting of the familial responsibility with which I'll be entering into our relationship. I have an autistic brother who will require custodial supervision for as long as he lives and my pursuer is not going to always be the center of my world in that regard. He'll have to be comfortable with my occasionally divided attention. The second, having a sense of humor; puns and word-play preferably. Decently timed dark humor is fine, but a baby/hamster in a microwave can get old after a bit.

I don't expect something out of someone else that I can't provide. If I can't provide it as well as he can, I will do whatever I can to try to meet him half-way. Especially, if there is chemistry.
 

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How do you court a stranger?

Online and Work/School Environment:

If you were the pursuer, how do you compete with others?


Short answer: I don't, because I never pursue people, they pursue me. I'm not the pursuing kind of type.
Longer answers:
a) How would you present yourself to get attention? Any personal examples?

I'm not the 'peacocking type'. I don't do anything to draw attention to myself. If I wear makeup, it's exceedingly rare and only because I feel like it that day. I rarely wear anything other than comfortable clothes, they're not flashy nor expensive. They're just comfortable - I'm boring, I know.

b) What kind of communication approach works best for you?

I'm good at small talk, if the other person reciprocates my attention. I very rarely initiate conversations. I usually only do it if the person around is someone I have to strike a conversation with either because I'm going to be working with them or around them for a prolonged amount of time. So I'll make an effort to be pleasant, easy to talk to etc. etc. it always works. Small talk just bores me however, it's a game and I don't like games. I like direct communication, no fluff. Say what you mean and I will too. When it comes to small talk, I just say whatever I need to to get the reaction I want or information I want i.e. see how friendly a person is, how they are/what they're doing etc.

c) What is the mental list that must be fulfilled in order for you to interact with that individual (e.g. family-orientated, charming, humorous)?

In order for me to want to make an attempt to talk to someone, for reasons outside of necessity/small-talk, I generally look for extroverts as they're better with dealing with new people. I have no issue talking to people I don't know, but I don't enjoy it nor do I actively seek to do it. Extroverts tend to have less to hide, and are therefore more fun to be around. I don't care for family-orientated people as I am not. Charming is a good adjective, that will definitely attract/woo me. Funny is a big one. But not someone with a limited sense of humour i.e. they only like one type of humour (that's going to get old real quick with me). They can be crude, I don't mind. But if they only find a thrill out of humour that hurts people, I'm not interested. Attractive is an obvious one and I'll usually decide after observing someone, whether I'll mind if they start talking to me or vice versa.

d) What is your ideal dating environment?


I don't go on dates, nor think about them, so I wouldn't know. If I really had to think, somewhere moderately quiet is good for me. Not a club, not a party, not a rave etc. A cinema is fine, resteraunt is probably ideal or a museum/gallery. Actually, even an amusement park would be fine. Can't really think of anything else.

If you were the pursued, how do you select a potential partner?

a) How would you be impressed by a pursuer's approach? Any personal examples?
I'm not really sure what this means? You mean what would impress me? I'm already impressed from the get-go when someone approaches me since I don't exactly have the most approachable appearance when I'm being myself - think super-resting bitch-face. I'm not mad, nor angry, that's just what my face looks. I give huge brownie points to a man brave enough to strike up a conversation with me, honestly. I like charming individuals, who make small talk feel easy and non-invasive or too personal, but fun and somehow make me want to say more about myself. I can only think of one man I've ever met who made me feel that ease, and it was magical. I want that again, just with someone I'd actually date. Also, persistence is a big one for me. I'm slow to open up, you have to be persistent. The more persistent you are, but not pushy, the more I will want to open up to you. The last guy to pursue me was horrible at this, he was more pushy than persistent. Every conversation we had ended with "I don't understand why you don't trust me, I'm trustworthy/great. I'm a good guy, you need to learn to trust people." Giving me a lecture doesn't get me hot and bothered for you, it just gets me bothered - don't do it. If I want to open up to you, I will. What many guys who have pursued me fail to realise is that the more you push me, the more I close down and the mental walls come up. I can't help it. You're actually making things worse to be pushy when you think you're helping.

b) What characteristics do you look for a partner? (e.g. kindness, intelligence, looks) Why?

The easiest way to describe what I'm looking for can be described by dissecting the last man I ever had a crush on. He was extremely naturally charming (ENFP), very good at small talk but could also easily talk about other more serious matters. He was more intelligent than myself in some areas, which I found attractive, as most guys I have met can't hold a candle to any of my achievments or ambitions. He was very popular and yet didn't need to do anything to be well liked by everyone. He was always making people laugh. He was ambitious, he knew wanted he wanted out of life and again this made me extremely attracted to him and again, most guys I know don't have it figured out. They don't know what they want but this guy's drive was commendable. He was extremely tall, blonde, blue eyed, had freckles, played sports, was in good shape etc etc. These are pretty much all the things I'd look for in a partner although I'm hesistant to say that this guy exemplifies my 'type' since every person I've ever met and had a crush on has been extremely different from the last and the only common thread between them as has been a commendable level of ambition/talent/sense of humour and intelligence. So those are probably the top attributes I want in a partner.

c) Under what circumstances will you switch from being the pursued to pursuer? Explain.

There's only been one point in my life where I felt myself accepting the idea of pursuing and that was only after already being pursued by the formely mentioned man above. At this point, it felt natural. He'd ask me to do things with him like go for a walk, talk in the park etc. and slowly I'd do the same. I've never done this with anyone else and I've never felt comfortable enough to do so. Again, it has to feel natural, so much so I don't even realise what I'm doing until I look back in hindsight. That being said, it is not my natural inclination to pursue people. I don't ask people out, even friends, I wait for them to. It's not because I don't want to do something with them, rather my thought process is less "I wanna see X, so I'll call them up and ask them when they're free." it's moreso, "I want to see X, but I'm not sure if they're free. When they want to see me, I'm sure they will call." It's not the best method, but it works for me and it's natural for me. I enjoy being pursued and I don't really like the idea of trying to change, because I don't need to.

d) What is your definition of love?

I don't have one because I've never been in love. I assume it's the ability to tolerate your friend/partner's flaws because you know they mean well, or becaues they're good enough to you that you can figure it out and forgive. That's the common thread I find in all of my current relationships with people I care about. Love is not the word I'd use though. It's never come out of my mouth in a passionate way, moreso "I want to show X that I care about them. The easiest way to do so is to tell them I love them otherwise they won't understand what I'm getting at."
 

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How do you court a stranger?
I'm cool, you're cool, lets do something cool.
No, but really I just try to be warm to them. It depends with the situation, but I'll often try to be charismatic, get to know them and tease them a little.

Though honestly I never court.

Online and Work/School Environment:

If you were the pursuer, how do you compete with others?
Based on my behaviours in the past, I either a)try to be a little more different, really show them my more unique sides. Or b) just let go, because I can't be bothered (this happens if they're being too passive).
a)How would you present yourself to get attention? Any personal examples?
-Through my eyes (do a more intense look), through what I say for sure. I will make sure to talk about interesting things , probably as a way to show that I'm interesting and not boring (though no-one,arguably, really is). I also, if I've known them for a while, will do certain behaviours that I see a) work on them, or b) I assume they will like, e.g being more sympathetic (though I'm changing this now, as I find it a bit fake). I also become even bubbler (but not overwhelming), just more warm I guess...I also, it's quite funny, make sure they can overhear a convo with my friends and I, so they can indirectly get to know me (this is if I don't know them at all). I will introduce myself soon enough however if I can meet them properly.
b) What kind of communication approach works best for you?
-Honestly do not know. For some, and ones that I could tell liked me already, it was teasing. I noticed they liked it, but I was teasing in a friendly way, it might be an ENFP thing for it to come off as flirting lol... Oops...I try not to do it, but I sometimes don't notice xD. What I do notice now is that it probably works well.
-Other communication approaches I'm not sure, just I tease more if I like you.

c) What is the mental list that must be fulfilled in order for you to interact with that individual (e.g. family-orientated, charming, humorous)?
-Oh god... That's also hard. I don't have a strict framework for my list, it's adaptable.
Example, I like humorous, charming, intelligent, more logical-thinking guys. However this does not mean that if you're not one of those I won't like you.
I've liked a guy who seemed quietly confident,but didn't play pranks and tell jokes all the time.
I think the huge ones are confidence, ability to take jokes, intelligent, and not afraid to be independent.
d) What is your ideal dating environment?
-I'd like to say restaurant, but I can talk a lot, and then there's food so there's that issue of eating while trying to speak haha. I prefer maybe cafe, or restaurant (depends really), and then go for a stroll somehwere. Really I want to get to know someone, so any place I can talk to you and feel relaxed. A picnic would even be cute. Oh! A night picnic.

If you were the pursued, how do you select a potential partner?
Throw a dart, and whoever gets hit is mine.
But seriously, mating call.
-No but seriously, i would select a potential partner through seeing if we share similar values, but also think differently.
a) How would you be impressed by a pursuer's approach? Any personal examples?
-It depends. If I like the pursuer then his confidence in approaching me would impress me. It's a tricky situation, because it depends on my attraction to the pursuer--this you have to be careful of. It's going to confidence though, anything which shows confidence.
b) What characteristics do you look for a partner? (e.g. kindness, intelligence, looks) Why?
-Real confidence= even if you're quiet, i can tell that you have confidence in yourself, that's important.
-Intelligence= Intelligence is fantastic. I've found out my very close friends, and crushes I've had tended to have this characteristic (it's what will make me think that you have an interesting personality), Intelligence means not just knowledgable, but able to show me thinks I've never thought of.
-Humble and kind= though not too kind. I can't explain it, but not so kind that you get stepped over. You need to be firm, and know yourself enough to place boundaries.
-Not afraid to stand up for their opinion.
-Often logical thinkers (I think i unconsciously am attracted to them).
c) Under what circumstances will you switch from being the pursued to pursuer? Explain.
-If they're too shy. Happened with an ENTP, also god they change their minds so quickly.
d) What is your definition of love?
-I've never experienced real love (I'm only eighteen). However I think there are different types. But from what I've seen and heard, love is not at a superficial level, but is the willingness to die for someone else. This is something I'm guessing, but I love my mum as a mum, and so I'm guessing love is similar in this sense. Additionally, the good kind of love with mature people is wanting your partner to lead a good life, even if it's without you... :)
 
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I don't court strangers.
 
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If you were the pursuer, how do you compete with others?

I don't compete with others. I am the first to say that I am not on the bachelor's dating game show. If I sense competition, I move on.

a) How would you present yourself to get attention? Any personal examples?

Literally just walk up and strike a conversation about something that comes into my head. But this takes practice and continuous exposure to different people and settings.

b) What kind of communication approach works best for you?

Sustained, repeated, and meaningful contact. I work best with those that I am familiar with and with those that I have some kind of relationship with. Online and random cold approaches don't give me the time I need to build this chemistry.

c) What is the mental list that must be fulfilled in order for you to interact with that individual (e.g. family-orientated, charming, humorous)?

It's a read. I read and approach based on my observations. I too have to be in a good mood- especially after having coffee and full of energy.

d) What is your ideal dating environment?

Common grounds that I can build sustained, repeated, and meaningful contact.
 

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If you were the pursuer, how do you compete with others?

I don't compete. I present myself just as I am, if he likes me, cool, if he likes multiple people at once, I just exit stage left and let the other women have him. If he wants a word with me, he knows where to find me.

a) How would you present yourself to get attention? Any personal examples?

I'm just myself, personality and clothes -wise. Whenever I pursued someone, I made myself way more visible by figuring out their schedule and going to the places where I knew they would be at. I would pretend to be there "accidentally" lol Act casual. After a while of making myself visible and gathering data, if I see that the person seems interested, I will find an excuse in the environment to talk to them casually. I'll get myself into their radar, slowly. Eventually I'll ask them for their wassap with an excuse. Once I have their wassap, I will find excuses to text them, mainly ask them for help with something.

b) What kind of communication approach works best for you?

Face to face, texting & social media. I'm allergic to phone calls.

c) What is the mental list that must be fulfilled in order for you to interact with that individual (e.g. family-orientated, charming, humorous)?

Initially, I only need to know that they are nice, polite and that we can have things to talk about. After that, time will tell if we're compatible or not.

d) What is your ideal dating environment?

Casual and day time. Walk & talk & have tea.

If you were the pursued, how do you select a potential partner?

Need time to get to know them.

a) How would you be impressed by a pursuer's approach? Any personal examples?

Someone who is polite, self-contained, has manners, smiles and has interesting conversation.
Yes, this is impressive because 99% of the men who aproach me are aggressive bad-mannered animals.
Personal example? The person who has impressed me the most in all my +30 years of age was an INTJ who could keep up with my crazy Ne witty banter and extreme delusional word play and hardcore sarcasm.

b) What characteristics do you look for a partner? (e.g. kindness, intelligence, looks) Why?

Too long a list.

c) Under what circumstances will you switch from being the pursued to pursuer? Explain.

Under none. I had enough of being the pursuer in my younger years, and I only ended up with passive feminine men that I couldn't respect. Changed my strategy in recent years and it's going way better.
I initiate texts and invite them to things like any normal person would, obvsly. But I don't chase. If they want to hear from me, they know my number, I don't bite.

d) What is your definition of love?

I don't know. It's a feeling of familiarity, home, connection and selflessness, amongst other ingredients. I genuinely want them to be happy, with or without me; I will remove myself from their life if that will increase their happiness.
I can try all I want to describe love, but there are no words really.
 

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How do you court a stranger?
I don't they usually come to me first

Online and Work/School Environment:

If you were the pursuer, how do you compete with others?
I don't compete - I just try to be the best of myself and hope for the best outcome.

a) How would you present yourself to get attention? Any personal examples?
b) What kind of communication approach works best for you?

I smile , start a conversation- ask a question that I think might intrigue the other party, use self deprecating.
It depends on the individual- some people I joke and banter with others I'm more insightful and pensive



c) What is the mental list that must be fulfilled in order for you to interact with that individual (e.g. family-orientated, charming, humorous)?
Chemistry connection amusement

d) What is your ideal dating environment?
I like museums and amusement park

If you were the pursued, how do you select a potential partner?
Whomever I connect with ( it's rare for me to find connection )
a) How would you be impressed by a pursuer's approach?
Charisma - insight and humor
Any personal examples? It varies really I mean I like sweet shy guys and rebellious but kind guys
b) What characteristics do you look for a partner? (e.g. kindness, intelligence, looks) Why?humor, able to compel my mind- trust - Oh I must be able to communicate well with them
c) Under what circumstances will you switch from being the pursued to pursuer? Explain
When I know for a fact the guy likes me , if the guy I'm crushing on is very shy - actually no I'll show sign ( obvious ) that I like them as well and will hang out with them until they are comfortable enough to ask me out ( I mean I prefer comfort in a relationship- kinda hard for both me and the guy if he feels awkward)
d) What is your definition of love?
To feel complete- whole - not asking for anything on return - wanting the best for that individual

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