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It's almost impossible for me to break up even when every fiber of my being knows it's got to happen eventually. The reasons for staying always hold more weight than my reasons for wanting to leave. For example, if my significant other actually hasn't DONE anything to warrant a break up, then I won't do it even if I don't like the person anymore. One side of me says you only live once, go after your dreams. The other side says not to hurt my love(d). Do other INFJ's seem to follow the same pattern? Who did you talk to for advice? Was it any help?
 

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I am an INFJ too n i have always found it very hard to break up when the other person hasnt really done anything wrong. I think mainly its because INFJs are just wired to want n look for that deep and meaningful relationship and we always tend to see the good in people, even if that good isnt doing anything for us. Our personalities tend to also love deeper and more truer tahn most of the ther personalities and we also have stronger convictions than most of the other types also so for us to actually break these ties hurts us greatly bc we really do care about our signifcant others and the guilt we bare from the thought of hurting them is too great to just walk away for our own happiniess. My mother always told me that you will walk away from the table when youre belly is full n for the most part this has been true. When my past reltionships have gotten to the point of me being absolutely miserable, i found it so much easier to walk away then just bc i felt like there was more to life. Idk, maybe im just crazy lol I really hope this helps n i hope that everything works out good for you :laughing:
 

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It's almost impossible for me to break up even when every fiber of my being knows it's got to happen eventually. The reasons for staying always hold more weight than my reasons for wanting to leave. For example, if my significant other actually hasn't DONE anything to warrant a break up, then I won't do it even if I don't like the person anymore. One side of me says you only live once, go after your dreams. The other side says not to hurt my love(d). Do other INFJ's seem to follow the same pattern? Who did you talk to for advice? Was it any help?

So basically, you are at that "stuck place" we INFJ's seem to go when a difficult decision needs to be made. (Logic -vs.- Feeling)

Some may say that your intuition is telling you the truth... that it just won't work out. And your feeling nature is trying to deny it. But, I will still say that it's Logic -vs.- feeling because that is the fuction we use to make up our minds about something. And the reason that we use for explaining why we had to follow our intuition.

It was (Logical) bad chemistry....
You did something (Feeling) wrong...

Honestly, I stay stuck until "one reaches a higher state" than the other. It appears to be a time thing. And the reason I use, when it happens.
 

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If something tells you it's not working, then it's not. You can trust the feeling, and break up with the person, or do what you are bound to do and dwell on it until you find reasoning behind your emotions, and urge to distance yourself for good. One day we'll learn to trust ourselves without finding a rational argument for ourselves.. but we like to know why we act. We like to solve our own problem, even if we can simply get rid of it. We fear, that we may come back to the problem later with regrets, with an "I'm so sorry baby I didn't mean to do that". Instead... we should trust ourselves! and trust ourselves forever! We should take command of our minds, and our actions as a dictator would his people! I kind of think we don't mind the suffering, because if we did we would let it go and move on. We would see the better path, surrender to the old, and simply walk away. We would turn off that questioning BS! that we have on so much.. and "act like the adult" :) in the relationship, because we in our maturity, would see, and understand that a positive future is not to come to pass. Maybe when we reach 200 we will trust the visions we, and not they, see, and act appropriately without testing ourselves.
 

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It's almost impossible for me to break up even when every fiber of my being knows it's got to happen eventually. The reasons for staying always hold more weight than my reasons for wanting to leave. For example, if my significant other actually hasn't DONE anything to warrant a break up, then I won't do it even if I don't like the person anymore. One side of me says you only live once, go after your dreams. The other side says not to hurt my love(d). Do other INFJ's seem to follow the same pattern? Who did you talk to for advice? Was it any help?
... I relate to this. Though I find it funny that it is an INFP tendency. Apparently INFJs are supposed to be the type that may have trouble initiating the break up, but will once they conclude in their mind that the person does not love them. INFPs are the ones that get emotionally connected to that loyalty and commitment that has been made, so they have trouble by staying with people too long.

Look into it... its quite interesting.


Its stuff like this that makes me wonder if I'm a true INFP with just INFJ tendencies at times. I was really baffled the day when I went on youtube and watched videos on Princess Diana when she talked about her relationship with Prince Charles... it sounded SOOO much like my past relationships it was scary.
 

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So is it more of a "I have to stay, because it's my duty as a boyfriend/girlfriend." ? Kind of like you are duty bound, and comfortable with the station in life? Or, is it more of an emotional attachment such that you would rather have a weak attachment, than to chance being alone in the world?

Personally, I have no problem breaking up with someone when I have found out that I am not in love with that person. I would much rather have the pain come now, and be less, than for it to be drawn out and agonizing. However, I do have some friends that absolutely abhor the idea of being alone. I don't know if they are INFJ's or not, but I am curious about what your all take is on this.
 

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So is it more of a "I have to stay, because it's my duty as a boyfriend/girlfriend." ? Kind of like you are duty bound, and comfortable with the station in life? Or, is it more of an emotional attachment such that you would rather have a weak attachment, than to chance being alone in the world?

Personally, I have no problem breaking up with someone when I have found out that I am not in love with that person. I would much rather have the pain come now, and be less, than for it to be drawn out and agonizing. However, I do have some friends that absolutely abhor the idea of being alone. I don't know if they are INFJ's or not, but I am curious about what your all take is on this.
For me, its because every time I was in the situation where a break up is thought of, my feelings for that person did not change. However, I was often unhappy because of how the guy I was dating was treating me... not calling me back, saying he would do things for me but never do them, do something little like walk ahead of me all the time when we were going some place, etc. etc. It was just that intuition of knowing he was falling out of it that would upset me. Naturally, one would figure if you are unhappy then why are you still it in? Well, I just felt like it wasn't my place to end it because my feelings for them never changed -- it was on their end. So on some level I would always keep hoping that one day they'd surprise me at my door with some unexpected flowers and apologize for how they had been treating me.
Was it a realistic thing to hope for? Probably not... but it was something I still hoped for deep down and didn't want to rule out until they got rid of me.
 

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For me, its because every time I was in the situation where a break up is thought of, my feelings for that person did not change. However, I was often unhappy because of how the guy I was dating was treating me... not calling me back, saying he would do things for me but never do them, do something little like walk ahead of me all the time when we were going some place, etc. etc. It was just that intuition of knowing he was falling out of it that would upset me. Naturally, one would figure if you are unhappy then why are you still it in? Well, I just felt like it wasn't my place to end it because my feelings for them never changed -- it was on their end. So on some level I would always keep hoping that one day they'd surprise me at my door with some unexpected flowers and apologize for how they had been treating me.
Was it a realistic thing to hope for? Probably not... but it was something I still hoped for deep down and didn't want to rule out until they got rid of me.
My heart goes out to people like this. Really it does. It's loyalty at its finest. But really, as you were describing that, the picture of a door mat came into my mind. Should you not find a mate that is deserving of such loving, dedicated compassion? I realize that I am approaching this with logic (haha... ISTJ!), but I am just trying to understand INFJ's.

Thank you for the small amount of insight!

What would it take for you to break up with your mate? Would it have to go to abuse? Perhaps physical abuse?
 

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I don't have anything good to add here...kept popping in thinking I would get inspired but I don't have any good advice on how to do this well. How can you when there are genuine feelings involved? All I know is that it was done effectively and respectfully....well that last part is debatable but there definitely was no cursing/yelling involved. :blushed:
 

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It is excedingly difficult for me to end a relationship, even when terribly bad. I feel responsible for them and their emotions so I wait and wait, thinking they will see the light and agree it is for the best thing. Unfortunately, they usually see that I am soft on the inside and they take advantage of it by trying to make me feel guilty and it basically works.

It is such a wrenching painful process for me to breakup with someone, that I usually wait a long time before ever dating again after I break up with someone.
 

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What if you found another person to be with?
I was in one serious relationship that lasted a few years. However, even to this day, I can't be with another person. Back in my mind, I still feel an emotional connection with that person, and it will take me many more years to truly "forget" and be ready to settle down with someone else.

Until then, I will deal with the bouts of loneliness, but I won't date or have another relationship. It really isn't fair to this new person in my life, if I can't give my full love and loyalty to them and have lingering memories of my ex.
 

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oh wow then I am making some terrible mistakes with my infj friends, being an infp, I am the most distant even at the most ardent times. I just simply do not know how to start the conversation too, should I start from scratch or resume where I left off? Agh I know this is the worst time to ask.
 

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My heart goes out to people like this. Really it does. It's loyalty at its finest. But really, as you were describing that, the picture of a door mat came into my mind. Should you not find a mate that is deserving of such loving, dedicated compassion? I realize that I am approaching this with logic (haha... ISTJ!), but I am just trying to understand INFJ's.

Thank you for the small amount of insight!

What would it take for you to break up with your mate? Would it have to go to abuse? Perhaps physical abuse?
I wouldn't go so far as to say physical abuse...

Its a little complex so let me try to break it down how it is for me anyway...

Like, I wouldn't tolerate it at all if a guy was one who disrespected me and/or treated me like I was an idiot. I just can't handle it. But the thing is, a lot of times I just won't date someone if I can visualize the person being like that down the road. Sometimes people can surprise you (believe me, I've had it happen), but I just don't allow myself to get into a relationship with someone who is emotionally or physically abusive or is just disrespectful to me overall. To me, its like my intuition won't allow it because I'd be lying to myself if I see it a sign and ignore it.

As for having a reason to break up with a guy... I honestly don't know how to answer that because I can't visualize myself doing it. Maybe if it was something extreme that I wasn't 100% confident on like they were pushing marriage and I still had some doubts in my mind if they were the right person. That might be about the only circumstance for me.

And its not necessarily cause by a fear of being alone... its just that being an INFJ you don't find too many good ones to understand you and really appreciate you to begin with (because after all, we are rare and our personality in general is not considered the "norm" by any means). So when you find one that does cherish you and care about you and seems to appreciate you and your intuition doesn't tell you that there's anything wrong with him its like "dang, this is wonderful!! I never thought this could happen to me!! I was always the lone shy girl growing up that nobody understood and was always the odd one out. Now there's actually a guy that likes me for me."
So you get a great emotional attachment to that... and with that comes a strong commitment and loyalty because you want to be the best you can be and you don't want to mess anything up.
And then, well... they leave you anyway no matter how good you treated them.
 
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