Thanks. One more thing though, if I have to focus on the action not the person, how do I tell someone they are very judgmental and it irritates the hell out of me?
I guess I'm asking you specifically, Niss, because I've read your posts and you always handle others with great maturity. So sorry if I'm treating this like a Ask Niss63 column :tongue:
I sometimes feel like Rogue, of the X-Men series, in that I absorb thoughts and energy from those around me. So in the context of this board, the thoughts are not entirely my own--I read what others say and use their thoughts and ideas for my own. That's the key to sounding like niss: Surround yourself with great people and listen to what they have to say.
On to your question:
First, you must use "I" statements. "I feel judged and irritated when you say __________." Cause and effect are established and the ownership is placed at your door, and based on your feelings. This creates a very different mood for the discussion than using a "you" statement. A "you" statement would look like, "You make me so irritated!" Or, "You judge everyone!"
Second, be accurate in your assessment. Take the words "never,"always," and "make me," out of your vocabulary when talking to someone about an issue. (e.g. "You never," or "You always," etc.) These are statements that are seldom true and do more to vent our frustration, making this into a win/lose argument. And a win/lose argument is a natural for an ISTJ--we tend to be willing to burn all bridges in a relationship when getting into a win/lose argument. It is so instinctive, we often don't even realize the damage we are doing until it is too late. We've rung that bell and we can't un-ring it, even though we'd like to.
Third, before addressing the issue, try to ascertain if you are dealing with a mature ISTJ or an immature ISTJ. We, like other personality types, develop our lesser cognitive functions as we age. However, there are some people that have forty years worth of experience, and some that have one year of experience forty times. The more immature ISTJ will need to you use a kid gloves approach, explaining to them that although you "feel" a certain way, it may be your perception and not how things actually are. A more mature ISTJ will understand that by using the word "feel" that they are not being held responsible for you, personally.
A bit more about this last: Feelings are feelings. We can't control our emotions or feelings--IOW, we feel what we feel, and that's that. We CAN control our reactions to our feelings. In fact, in order to be considered a mature person, we must control our reactions to our feelings. So by telling someone that you "feel" a certain way, you are communicating that you take responsibility for yourself, but that there are outside circumstances, over which you have little or no control, that trigger these feelings, and it would help if the other person would recognize this and help you out by altering their behavior.
So an unthinking person might say, "niss? That's a really odd name." They aren't realizing how off-putting and judged someone might feel by such a comment. So I might come back with, "I think it is a really good name. It was my mother's maiden name, so my parent included it as part of my name. I feel irritated when you make isolating statements about things, when you haven't asked for information about them."
This allows the person to be jerked up short--they have obviously crossed a boundary, their comment is unappreciated, and they probably should be more careful about their word choices. However, it centers the attention on their behavior and not on them. They will likely feel badly and apologize, telling you that they meant "unusual" and not "odd."
Last, be sure that you aren't having a simple personality clash. If you are, it will tend to color everything that the other person says or does. It becomes a situation in which, finding out that this person can really walk on water, your take is: Look--he can't swim!:laughing:
Keep it real. We all feel the same things and need the same things from life. People is just people.
HTH