How do people correct you?
[ISTJ]
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People tend to correct me in a manner which feels comfortable to them. Depending on how well I know them, I've had them come in spewing nonsense to the point that I've told them to get control of themselves and to explain themselves clearly, or I would call the police to have them removed from the premises (this at my place of business). The people that act this way have always given signs (early on) that they did not know how to properly handle conflict.
Others that know me better (but not well) have tended to use email. Some have called me, but very few come to me personally.
OTOH, those that know me well tend to come to me personally.
I think this is partially because I can be a bit socially intimidating, although I don't intend to be that way.
If I feel that the person has the best interest of the group or my best interest at heart, I'll listen, weigh it in my mind, and make changes as necessary.
If someone comes in strongly with their correction, but doesn't have the facts to back up their position, I will waste them. In these situations, I tend not to back down, bar no holds, and will not bring a knife to a gun fight.
I think we should be open to correction, as long as the parties involved are motivated by a desire to help the other.
Iron sharpens iron...
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I try to be good about being corrected-- I dont know everything...but it also grates on me that I got something wrong. Im a bit of a perfectionist, so I cant stand making mistakes!
OWL
I take criticism really well. If it's work-related, I'm quick to review my past performance, identify the problematic area, and apply changes as advised. The more helpful the criticism is, the happier I get. If it's not useful or constructive, I'll graciously acknowledge the criticism but will not pay as much attention to it.
I'm pretty laid-back, easygoing and relaxed enough to accept corrections at their face value, to admit that I can make mistakes, and to allow room for improvement. I also know that any criticism towards my work performance is not a criticism to my person, so I never get worked up over it.
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I will take into account constructive criticism pretty well, although I need to be careful in not showing the fact that it can sometimes hurt. I am pretty sensitive to criticism overall, but even if I sound upset I will still take into account what other people are saying and try to fix the problem. But I have had issues with some people giving me criticism. Some of the ones I have met just say something like "you don't have the ability to do something" or "you have bad ____ skills" which is really destructive. I have not always been receptive to their messages, especially if I don't agree with them. I have some issues because I feel like if someone is going to make a criticism, they must make sure to get the nuances right and say what needs to be fixed specifically rather than just saying something like, you are bad at _____, If the criticism is destructive, I might think about what I need to fix myself, even if it is not realted to the criticism at hand.
If I make an error of fact I can be corrected. I might get a little hurt because I am a perfectionist, but I will admit you are right. Good luck getting me to admit you are right if I think you are wrong though.
If I make an error of fact I can be corrected. I might get a little hurt because I am a perfectionist, but I will admit you are right. Good luck getting me to admit you are right if I think you are wrong though.
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when being corrected it has to be done calmly and politely if it aint i simply dont listen and look indifferent
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Only my close friends or family members correct me, if ever. Others don't since I am not in heavy contact with everyone and I think I appear a bit intimidating, to be honest, so they probably don't approach me even if they had constructive criticism to offer.
My good friends just approach me directly and tell me the problem. I, of course, want to know the reasons behind why they think so and how in their opinion it should be. I listen to them, think about if what they are saying is justified or not. If it is, I thank them and implement it. If its not, then well I'll shred their opinion to pieces.
I like people to tell me with a direct approach if I am wrong. Don't sugercoat it. I don't get offended. In fact, I am happier for it as it is improving me in my quest as I am a perfectionist. Feedback is important to me and understanding where I am wrong helps me develop as a person.
My good friends just approach me directly and tell me the problem. I, of course, want to know the reasons behind why they think so and how in their opinion it should be. I listen to them, think about if what they are saying is justified or not. If it is, I thank them and implement it. If its not, then well I'll shred their opinion to pieces.
I like people to tell me with a direct approach if I am wrong. Don't sugercoat it. I don't get offended. In fact, I am happier for it as it is improving me in my quest as I am a perfectionist. Feedback is important to me and understanding where I am wrong helps me develop as a person.
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I am not usually corrected because in most cases i am not wrong but on the off chance i am corrected it is usually in a subject or area i have already known i am weak in such as grammer, spelling, speaking, and relating to others.
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As it turns out I know quite a number of ISTJs and I find the type VERY sensitive to criticism.
So when I have an issue with an ISTJ I withdraw to spare myself the fallout and defensiveness. Actually, that is reaction #1, and usually happens when I feel the ISTJ wronged me in some way. Withdrawing is not really ideal, as this is confusing to the other person.
#2. If they ask me about certain behaviours of theirs and whether they were wrong or not, I always try to be a very diplomatic devil's advocate. Most of the time they just dismiss what I'm trying to tell them: "Oh, that couldn't possibly be it. Nah." That happens A LOT.
So there, that's my 2 cents.
Actually, while I'm here... Can you tell me what I should do in those situations? People always say things like, "People respect honesty," and, "I would want to know," but it's not that easy if you can see the person is not really open to criticism.
So when I have an issue with an ISTJ I withdraw to spare myself the fallout and defensiveness. Actually, that is reaction #1, and usually happens when I feel the ISTJ wronged me in some way. Withdrawing is not really ideal, as this is confusing to the other person.
#2. If they ask me about certain behaviours of theirs and whether they were wrong or not, I always try to be a very diplomatic devil's advocate. Most of the time they just dismiss what I'm trying to tell them: "Oh, that couldn't possibly be it. Nah." That happens A LOT.
So there, that's my 2 cents.
Actually, while I'm here... Can you tell me what I should do in those situations? People always say things like, "People respect honesty," and, "I would want to know," but it's not that easy if you can see the person is not really open to criticism.
ISTJs can be rather thin-skinned. If this is the case, it means that you/your opinion is important to them--you're not just another person on the street. Be sure that you are critiquing the action and not the person. As with all people, be sure that you are saying positive things to them, as well as negative things.
HTH
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I can't necessarily advise you on what to do in these situations, but I can share some of my thoughts about INTJ criticism based on my own experience.
I think I have had a lot of problems with the manner in which some of the INTJs in my life give criticism. A lot of times some of the stuff the INTJs say isn't really that constructive and comes across more as a putdown than as any means for change. As an ISTJ if I were to give criticism, I think I would be more focused on explaining how particular interactions, particular behaviors, or specific examples of performance issues were causing problems and why. From there I might go on to suggest how they could be improved. I would be careful to make sure I was talking about the behaviors and not saying anything that would imply people don't care or are incompetent. Even if I thought there were an issue if someone was being lazy, I still would talk about the quality of the work. On the other hand, some INTJs appear to me to have very condescending opinions that, when expressed, come across as destructive criticism, such as "a person doesn't have communication skills" or "b person is unapproachable" or "c person is not helpful" or "d is only doing the minimum requirement." Those are just putdowns in my opinion.
Also, the INTJs don't always illustrate how they came to the conclusions they have about somebody, and the lack of having examples can make it easy to dismiss the criticism. After all, the criticism's already so harsh that it seems to be a putdown. I know that INTJ are more of a generalist type, but we like particulars. Maybe if the INTJs were to focus on specific problems and not assume that someone doesn't have the ability to do things or try to assume what our motivations are for doing something, and maybe if they were willing to be more careful about not talking down to people as though they were stupid or uncaring people, I as an ISTJ would be able to take their criticisms.
It would also be comforting to know if the INTJs actually are as critical of themselves as they appear to be of others. I have heard that an INTJ weakness (at least for some of them) is that they sometimes find fault in others without looking at themselves.
I am only speaking from my own experience with INTJs. Maybe the two INTJs with whom I interacted were just really mean people though--one of them had a reputation in the workplace for being a very nasty cuss word.
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Well I dont like to make mistakes in the first place and will take all precautions to avoid them. So, I will put a lot of effort looking for mistakes after doing something and will even ask for someone else to help make sure i did not miss any. I do accept being corrected and will feel thankfull to the person who did it. In conclusion, i like to be corrected but will do by best not to get to that point by auto correcting myself
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^ Quoted for truth and accuracy. If it's just an acquaintance or work colleague, the criticism doesn't bother me. HOWEVER, if it's someone that I care about, then I've allowed myself to open up to them and lowered my barriers. When criticized after letting that person see the inside = ouch.
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Thanks. One more thing though, if I have to focus on the action not the person, how do I tell someone they are very judgmental and it irritates the hell out of me?
I guess I'm asking you specifically, Niss, because I've read your posts and you always handle others with great maturity. So sorry if I'm treating this like a Ask Niss63 column :tongue:
I sometimes feel like Rogue, of the X-Men series, in that I absorb thoughts and energy from those around me. So in the context of this board, the thoughts are not entirely my own--I read what others say and use their thoughts and ideas for my own. That's the key to sounding like niss: Surround yourself with great people and listen to what they have to say.
On to your question:
First, you must use "I" statements. "I feel judged and irritated when you say __________." Cause and effect are established and the ownership is placed at your door, and based on your feelings. This creates a very different mood for the discussion than using a "you" statement. A "you" statement would look like, "You make me so irritated!" Or, "You judge everyone!"
Second, be accurate in your assessment. Take the words "never,"always," and "make me," out of your vocabulary when talking to someone about an issue. (e.g. "You never," or "You always," etc.) These are statements that are seldom true and do more to vent our frustration, making this into a win/lose argument. And a win/lose argument is a natural for an ISTJ--we tend to be willing to burn all bridges in a relationship when getting into a win/lose argument. It is so instinctive, we often don't even realize the damage we are doing until it is too late. We've rung that bell and we can't un-ring it, even though we'd like to.
Third, before addressing the issue, try to ascertain if you are dealing with a mature ISTJ or an immature ISTJ. We, like other personality types, develop our lesser cognitive functions as we age. However, there are some people that have forty years worth of experience, and some that have one year of experience forty times. The more immature ISTJ will need to you use a kid gloves approach, explaining to them that although you "feel" a certain way, it may be your perception and not how things actually are. A more mature ISTJ will understand that by using the word "feel" that they are not being held responsible for you, personally.
A bit more about this last: Feelings are feelings. We can't control our emotions or feelings--IOW, we feel what we feel, and that's that. We CAN control our reactions to our feelings. In fact, in order to be considered a mature person, we must control our reactions to our feelings. So by telling someone that you "feel" a certain way, you are communicating that you take responsibility for yourself, but that there are outside circumstances, over which you have little or no control, that trigger these feelings, and it would help if the other person would recognize this and help you out by altering their behavior.
So an unthinking person might say, "niss? That's a really odd name." They aren't realizing how off-putting and judged someone might feel by such a comment. So I might come back with, "I think it is a really good name. It was my mother's maiden name, so my parent included it as part of my name. I feel irritated when you make isolating statements about things, when you haven't asked for information about them."
This allows the person to be jerked up short--they have obviously crossed a boundary, their comment is unappreciated, and they probably should be more careful about their word choices. However, it centers the attention on their behavior and not on them. They will likely feel badly and apologize, telling you that they meant "unusual" and not "odd."
Last, be sure that you aren't having a simple personality clash. If you are, it will tend to color everything that the other person says or does. It becomes a situation in which, finding out that this person can really walk on water, your take is: Look--he can't swim!:laughing:
Keep it real. We all feel the same things and need the same things from life. People is just people.
HTH
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Great advice! Thanks! :happy:
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On the flipside, if you want or need to give criticism to an INTJ, how does one go about doing it so that they are not really offended? I'm not sure if the example approach would be the best idea (providing examples of the behaviors), since sometimes that can be construed as dredging up the past, or it could seem like you are trying to prove to them that they are a really bad person or don't have the ability to do something.
I'm not an INTJ, but in dealing with people in general, I would make sure I've taken the time to listen to them. INTJs often have a different approach/perspective than mine, and if I will make the effort to understand them, I often learn something. In the situation where they are wrong, or criticism is justified, listening to them will allow them to feel "heard" so that they are validated as a person.
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