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I am a pretty typical INTJ. Recently, I had the embarrassing experience of crying in the middle of a classroom of students. I don't cry in public. At all. Ever. I was mortified. I emailed the teacher to set up an appointment to explain what had caused me to cry because I don't want him to think this is a regular occurrence (it's in my best interest to have him think me more self-controlled than that). When setting up an appointment, he asked if today or Monday would work best for me. I told him Monday, because I was still processing my reactions/emotions and I wasn't sure what to say or how to word it. He responded, very politely, that all I should do was share my heart.

This is a problem, because I'm not in very close contact with my heart.

I relate this story because I want to know: how do you, fellow INTJs, get in touch with your heart? I try to begin statements with "I feel..." and it usually turns into a thinking statement, something like, "I feel as though I didn't have a good answer." That's not an emotion at all, as has been pointed out to me numerous times.
 

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Telling yourself how you feel with those statements is a good way.
I've only just decided it's time to get in touch with my emotions.
And I often use those sentences. I tell myself "I feel...." and then let myself just feel it
without thinking about it. NEVER think about the emotions intially. Just let them simper.
If you give your emotions stories you end up in a cycle where you tell yourself mentally

"oh, I cried in front of everyone and that was embarrassing and everyone is laughing at me or staring at me, but i don't want people to laugh at me or stare, so I'm not going to show my emotions ever again in a social situation" -

...and that's how us INTJ's tend to cut off our emotions. We give them stories, instead of just accepting that we feel hurt.
 

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I used to think I was not an INTJ(and to be honest, im still not sure) because i feel emotions really deeply. I don`t express them, but the emotions are often still there. Like if someone says something that hurts my feelings, it hurts it in a BIG way but i try to rationalize it. There have been times I have felt things SO strongly that..I was totally confused. I think the main problem is trying to rationalize emotions.
I guess I just have a well-developed Fi.
 

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First, i love this site because you all make me feel normal. I never wwould have thought that possible
Secondly, i feel so deep that it hurts but at other times I don't feel anything, zip nothing at all. Maybe INTJs can compartmentalize our emotions.
Lastly, it might be the intuitive part but I can almost feel what others are experiencing but i'm sure its just a shadow of the real feeling.

so your not alone with these outbursts but i don't know what they are or how to work with them either. :happy:
 

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how do you, fellow INTJs, get in touch with your heart?
I write. I wouldn't begin your sentence completions with "I feel," though. Try the following:

Write a narrative. Describe everything that happened to you in detail, as though you were writing a memoir. I find this works for two reasons. First, I "get it all out" in concrete detail so that I can literally see what I've been going through. Second, it's a round-about way of getting you to describe your feelings. I find that I often interject my interpretation or feelings in my narratives; they flow naturally because I'm revisiting that moment at that particular time. It's not surprising to me that "I feel," fails because you're not really "there" so how could you possibly know how or what you feel?

I am a pretty typical INTJ. Recently, I had the embarrassing experience of crying in the middle of a classroom of students.

This is a problem, because I'm not in very close contact with my heart.
It's because you're not in close contact with your heart that you cried in front of others. Repression works until it doesn't, and when it doesn't it manifests in uncontrollable ways. One thing I've learned to do over the years is to immediately start writing in a journal/diary when I feel down or stressed.
 

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I write. I wouldn't begin your sentence completions with "I feel," though. Try the following:

Write a narrative. Describe everything that happened to you in detail, as though you were writing a memoir. I find this works for two reasons. First, I "get it all out" in concrete detail so that I can literally see what I've been going through. Second, it's a round-about way of getting you to describe your feelings. I find that I often interject my interpretation or feelings in my narratives; they flow naturally because I'm revisiting that moment at that particular time. It's not surprising to me that "I feel," fails because you're not really "there" so how could you possibly know how or what you feel?



That's actually fascinating. Immediately after I posted here, I went over to my blog and wrote a very long, detailed description of the incident as if it were fictional. I find that when I write my life out (and when I tell it after the fact) I tend to play up the humorous aspects which makes it easier for me to stomach.
 

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I agree with EYENTJ. It's a quite good thing to write everything down. It works for me. When I feel strong emotions I tend to process them in my mind to no end. I know that if I think about them long enough eventually I'll sort them out. Writing everything down helps because it feels like I can put the thinking away for a moment and pick it up right when I last finished. Usually I'm afraid that when I pause the thinking I'll forget some detail and if I don't incorporate it into my train of thought I'll end up with a bad conclusion. So I write it down and I feel like it's all there, right in front of my eyes. Also, it's a relief to pour the emotions out, like "this here is how I feel and I don't need to think about it all the time if I don't want to. There's no way I'll forget and if I want to start thinking again I can just read it and go from there." I tend to drown deep in my negative emotions and I'm afraid to let go so that I don't forget how I felt. I never stuff it down because I believe that if you do it, eventually it will come back to you unexpectedly and in a very unpleasant way. It's just something that needs to be sorted out and dealt with.

One more thing: when I can't identify the emotion, first thing I do is analyze the situation, what has happened etc. Then I simply start guessing. "Maybe I'm upset because I'm frustrated that he didn't show me proper respect" or "maybe I'm upset because I'm jealous of her." Finally, after a few guesses, something in my mind clicks and I just know "yeah, you nailed it." Until then it's like "no, I don't think that's it, let's guess once more." Maybe it's the Ni, but I'm not sure.
 

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I agree with the others about writing it down. It's never gona come out of our gobs so might aswell stick it on some paper. I need to start doing that myself to be honest, i have a horrible tendency to phase life out and drown myself in my music and just dream for hours like some kind of upgraded procrastination.
 

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I guess your thread title is wrong and you really meant to ask 'How do Thinkers Manage to Say what they Feel'... in that case as an INTJ I'd warn you are going to have a very difficult time at this; just make sure you have internally justified how you are feeling and then bring it forward carefully.
 

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Through living a life filled with NFPs, I have found that expression of my feelings should only be done with careful thought beforehand. Otherwise I end up "talking aloud," essentially processing conceptual feelings out loud, really pissing off my audiance. I may think something merely to cross it out as a possibility, yet say it out loud.

Thus I find it best to a) warn the spouse that they should never expect me to directly engage them in conversations of my emotions, and b) allow me to respond via writing (email) or after thinking it over a day.
 

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Just go ahead and express! Be laughed at, get embarrassed, make them angry - it doesn't matter! You've got to remember that other types aren't like INTJ's; they don't dwell on a painful moment, they find a way to laugh at themselves. Don't tie your self-esteem to one freak occurrence, quickly go back to being yourself, realizing that those things are going to happen from time to time. Perfect behavior may be a goal, but it isn't a realistic one. And besides, the more you do it, the better you'll get at it - expressing yourself I mean - so it will become less embarrassing over time (or you'll just care less). And, it will give your friends something to laugh at, sort of like a counterweight to typical INTJ behavior (like dancing, or karaoke).

Personally, I don't see why you have to say anything at all about how you feel or why you did what you did: it happened and that's that. If you want to explore your emotional responses (and that's a good thing), do it for reasons of personal growth, not to explain it to a teacher or room full of classmates. Maybe I'm out of line on this one, but that's my take on it.
 

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Just go ahead and express! Be laughed at, get embarrassed, make them angry - it doesn't matter! You've got to remember that other types aren't like INTJ's; they don't dwell on a painful moment, they find a way to laugh at themselves. Don't tie your self-esteem to one freak occurrence, quickly go back to being yourself, realizing that those things are going to happen from time to time. Perfect behavior may be a goal, but it isn't a realistic one. And besides, the more you do it, the better you'll get at it - expressing yourself I mean - so it will become less embarrassing over time (or you'll just care less). And, it will give your friends something to laugh at, sort of like a counterweight to typical INTJ behavior (like dancing, or karaoke).

Personally, I don't see why you have to say anything at all about how you feel or why you did what you did: it happened and that's that. If you want to explore your emotional responses (and that's a good thing), do it for reasons of personal growth, not to explain it to a teacher or room full of classmates. Maybe I'm out of line on this one, but that's my take on it.
The best post I've read all day. Thanks for your wisdom.
 

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First, i love this site because you all make me feel normal. I never wwould have thought that possible
Secondly, i feel so deep that it hurts but at other times I don't feel anything, zip nothing at all. Maybe INTJs can compartmentalize our emotions.
Lastly, it might be the intuitive part but I can almost feel what others are experiencing but i'm sure its just a shadow of the real feeling.

so your not alone with these outbursts but i don't know what they are or how to work with them either. :happy:
According to MBTI, INTJs have Introverted Feeling as their Tertiary function. That explains the feelings on the inside not being expressed outwardly.
 

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I am a pretty typical INTJ. Recently, I had the embarrassing experience of crying in the middle of a classroom of students. I don't cry in public. At all. Ever. I was mortified. I emailed the teacher to set up an appointment to explain what had caused me to cry because I don't want him to think this is a regular occurrence (it's in my best interest to have him think me more self-controlled than that). When setting up an appointment, he asked if today or Monday would work best for me. I told him Monday, because I was still processing my reactions/emotions and I wasn't sure what to say or how to word it. He responded, very politely, that all I should do was share my heart.

This is a problem, because I'm not in very close contact with my heart.

I relate this story because I want to know: how do you, fellow INTJs, get in touch with your heart? I try to begin statements with "I feel..." and it usually turns into a thinking statement, something like, "I feel as though I didn't have a good answer." That's not an emotion at all, as has been pointed out to me numerous times.
Despite the stereotype, INTJs do have emotions inside them, they just don't manifest themselves as much and we don't "express" them typically.

The problem with that, of course, is we also have a hard time controlling them when they erupt (we don't have as much practice with them after all).

I'm not sure how to answer your question, except to say it's normal to feel as an INTJ.

Just know this: our primal emotions stem from the Amygdala (sp?)--- and I read somewhere that there is a 3-second window in which you have a conscious ability to override any primal emotion (fear, anger, etc.) with reason. If you allow that 3-second window to elapse, you are at the mercy of your lizard brain and will have a hard time rationalizing.

I'll have to find the title of the book on this subject--- it's really interesting.
 

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I am a pretty typical INTJ. Recently, I had the embarrassing experience of crying in the middle of a classroom of students. I don't cry in public. At all. Ever. I was mortified. I emailed the teacher to set up an appointment to explain what had caused me to cry because I don't want him to think this is a regular occurrence (it's in my best interest to have him think me more self-controlled than that). When setting up an appointment, he asked if today or Monday would work best for me. I told him Monday, because I was still processing my reactions/emotions and I wasn't sure what to say or how to word it. He responded, very politely, that all I should do was share my heart.

This is a problem, because I'm not in very close contact with my heart.

I relate this story because I want to know: how do you, fellow INTJs, get in touch with your heart? I try to begin statements with "I feel..." and it usually turns into a thinking statement, something like, "I feel as though I didn't have a good answer." That's not an emotion at all, as has been pointed out to me numerous times.
What you´re talking about is dealing with emotions, not experiencing them. You experience an emotion first, and then you deal with it. You do that through thinking, trying to figure out what caused the emotion. F's deal with them differently. They often have the goal to feel something. INTJ's don't focus much on that. Actions for the purpose of feeling something, it's the most rediculous thing for an INTJ.

Don't let people tell you how to feel or what to feel. Everybody has his/her own ways to deal with emotions. You try to explain what you feel and for many people that rationalization of feelings is the exact opposite of what emotions are. Many people think that when you explain your own feelings, they´re not feelings.

But you know what? It's their problem, not yours.
 

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I usually know how to feel by knowing what i'm supposed to feel (If that makes sense)
Since I can't really connect, i've observed enough to know what to feel depending on the predicament
However, don't get me wrong i'm not completely emotionless, the emotion has to be sever enough for me to sympathize
 

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"He responded, very politely, that all I should do was share my heart."

I'm not positive what that means, so I can't help you here. Sorry.
 

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"He responded, very politely, that all I should do was share my heart."

I'm not positive what that means, so I can't help you here. Sorry.
i think what he meant is to not be afraid of being emotionally vulnerable around him, and that he won't judge you for it.
 

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INTJs can have very strong emotions. I mean phew, little did I know :p
Not much gets expressed on the surface, but the currents are deep and strong.

As far as emotional outbreaks go also try to remember that half of population are feelers. Feelers are more likely to sympathize/empathize with your expression of feelings rather than judge your to be illogical, or inferior, or incapable because all of a sudden you have had an outburst. They were probably just thinking "poor person, she must be very stressed and is not feeling well." Which has been reaction of your teacher as you might note.

It has been my observation that thinkers need to work on letting your logical thinking side permit your feeling side into being. Writing your feelings out sounds like a good advice to logically examine them and establish their validity such that you aren't afraid to admit them. I know one INTJ who seems to be in good touch with his feeling side - whenever he is going 'moody' so to say he just tells others straight up that he is not feeling well and avoids people for a while to sort his feelings out. This is a much healthier approach than what I have seen of other people who walk around as if everything is fine and then just explode. I noticed the later can be particularly true of types who have feeling as inferior function (ESTJ for example) - they are even less in touch with their feelings and can be like walking emotional volcanoes where you never know when the top is going to take off.
 

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I have to agree with everyone that has suggested writing out your feelings. This is a tool that I picked up years ago, and helps on several levels. Once the events leading up to the problem are established, its easier to look it over and figure out what happened. It also helps to avoid the internal loop, in which the events are analyzed and reanalyzed, only to make them far worse than they actually were to begin with. I sympathize, I know it won't be easy to express what you're feeling, or to simply figure out a way to say them that won't seem awkward and suspect to a non-INTJ.
 
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