Personality Cafe banner
21 - 40 of 106 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
808 Posts
I already know I'm incompatible with the vast majority of women for various reasons
I’m married and I still feel like I’m incompatible with the female race. Whatever that word means. 😬 - we’re quite different - complementary perhaps? She would be highly suspicious of those with “too much sexual experience”. We were both virgins when we got married - and it’s been fine ever since.

I heard for gen X it was typical that sex is for marriage. (I'm Gen Y btw)
Gen Y: sex is for love.
Gen Z: sex is for pleasure.
(But these are just generalisations and trends)

It seems strange, what was once "conservative" could be considered "counter cultural" now?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,888 Posts
How would you generally feel romantically about an older male virgin? How would you feel sexually? How would you even approach sex with him, if at all? How would you approach him romantically, if at all?
I'd feel curious. It could be a red flag, so I would want to know the reasons behind such a decision. Just an open and honest communication about everything involved in the matter, so we'd both know where we stand, what our expectations are, whether there could be any misconceptions about sex or relationships in general. But that kind of communication would be the usual way I'd approach any individual I want to get to know better, my interest in people is never about romance or sex in mind.

When things do lead to romance and sex, it's always about discovering new territories no matter how much experience you have. Being a virgin doesn't mean that they haven't read about, or seen movies on the subject. I'd worry about compatibility if the man had absolutely no interest or knowledge about any aspects of romantic and sexual relationships. Other than that, it would be very interesting to discover things together, just like in any other relationship.
 

·
Retired Administrator
Joined
·
17,354 Posts
I'm a 43 year old virgin and I'm genuinely curious. I'm not desperate, and I'm not interested in any of you taking my virginity, so don't worry. But please say what you really think; I can handle it. I already know I'm incompatible with the vast majority of women for various reasons, and I fully accept that. My feelings won't be hurt. Don't let the fact that I'm a Fi dom fool you.

But anyways, now that that's out of the way: How would you generally feel romantically about an older male virgin? How would you feel sexually? How would you even approach sex with him, if at all? How would you approach him romantically, if at all?
I would just assume the person is an introvert and they have their own reasons.

...."Approach sex with him"? I don't really know how to answer that. I will say--I think that it's probably best to be honest about such a thing with female friends or partners because it could help you both to decide the best path.

Of course, you should always be cautious about the people you let into your life though--female or male. Sadly, there are people out there who don't care about other people's interests, safety, or wellbeing. Far too many of them.

But if you trust someone and are romantically interested in someone, I think it's a good idea to let them know because they may realize they need to take the lead more (I assume that'd be the case, though I don't really know).

The only thing that really gets me about virginity (and this is nothing I've seen you say Ock) is when some men act like it's the worst thing in the world. I've experienced sexual assault and likely have some kind of PTSD and I personally sympathize with people for celibacy (I mean, I feel sorry enough for myself the last decade) but I really dislike when some men act like the worst thing in the world is to be a virgin and that anything could be better (again--nothing you've said or done Ock).

And the other thing that gets me about the topic is that imo virginity isn't really...like riding a bike. Everyone is different.

I'm not a virgin by a long shot but I believe that every time you have sex it is new, and that every partner, is different. I don't think of sex as a mechanical thing you just get used to performing with anyone. It's a way for two people to connect on an intimate level and it's deeply personal. So I sort of think of that like...everyone is virginal to the people they haven't slept with. It's something new, it's something individual, and it's not something that you "did" if you didn't sleep with someone. I don't really know how else to describe it, except that it's not mechanical...people aren't monoliths. They are individuals.

Sort of like..."do you know people?" Well you know people when you get to know them...they aren't a monolith. They are all different. You know people when you learn about them, listen to them, try to understand them. Share experiences with them. And even then, you don't know everyone just because you've gotten to know someone.

So imo, I wouldn't really care. I don't look down or up at virgins. Neither do I look down or up at sexually experienced people.

Everyone's different and they have their own reasons for their own sexual choices--and it is their choice. It's not my business. I would be curious, just like I'm curious about most people, about their personal story. But I wouldn't form a judgment against them either way, just based on sexual history.

I didn't get to choose when I lost my virginity and I have lived my whole life knowing various people who think they should be able to control or determine my sexuality and my romantic choices. Who do not care for me at all, beyond whatever they think I should give to them. So that's the last thing I've ever wanted to do to anyone else because it's none of my business, and it's not caring nor kind to impose on others in such a way.

And while that's different than preference (which is fine--I am pleased as can be so long as people's preferences leave me alone), I still don't really have any judgments or preferences regarding other people's virginity.

So eh--my feelings and thoughts are you do you. Doesn't matter. But probably something to be honest and talk about with a female partner who is trusted, so that you can best determine what you both want and how to get there.

Also, if any of this sounds defensive or off topic, it's not because of you Ock--I've just been feeling a bit confused lately by people's behavior and unfortunately I don't have the best history of people really respecting or caring about my boundaries, safety, or needs. So it is coloring my thinking lately, especially about this topic (it's always kind of a dark topic for me--but I do want to say I don't at all look down on virgins (or non-virgins) and I think it's silly that people put so much significance on it when everyone's sexuality is so individual and should be respected so long as it's not imposing or hurting anyone).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,755 Posts
I think it’s special to have that opportunity. It’s a test of my skills. Am I a good enough lover to give him the most blissful time he’s ever had? And am I a good enough communicator to get what I need? I doubt I would know they were a virgin until we were close to having sex. I would make sure they felt assured that I’m a safe person and that I’m excited for our first experience together.

Forty, shmorty! Age of virginity doesn’t matter to me. Someone who mocks your virginity status has failed at having sex with you. Virginity means different things to different people too. For some, it means putting it in, though other sex acts are more challenging. For me, it meant the first male genitals in my hand, my “loss of innocence.” (Ugh, so intoxicating!) No one is truly a blank slate to sex either because of fantasies and porn. An older virgin will likely know what they’re okay with while a younger virgin may have some regrets down the line. I would ask them what they wanted to try, positions, etc. I would tell them my hard limits and mention a few porn moves I’ve seen that would feel terrible if they were done to me. But I would talk about all that stuff anyway.
 

·
Retired Administrator
Joined
·
17,354 Posts
I'm sorry--I'm just rambling even more here:

I just have to add here--this seems "objective" or logical or something to me.

But why would it make sense that understanding of sex was defined by one's virginity. (rhetorical question--not directed at you, Ock, but just society in general, who I feel does sort of present it this way.)

Like, I feel that is how it's portrayed--once you know what it is in an intimate sense.

But realistically? Sex can be soo many ways? Just like there are so many individuals in the world?

The extreme example of losing one's virginity without consent (and there are worse ways than I experienced for sure...many of which are probably sad, tragic, and should not be)...

Like could you say to someone who lost their virginity in a very terrible way that "well now you know...sex" ?

I would say no, you can't.

Because it could be there is a completely different type of sex out there with someone who cares about you and your wellbeing. Who even loves you? Could be you never experience this, but it's okay--because it still exists. Someone else has.

So that's why the whole virginity = knowledge thing doesn't make sense to me. Because who defines what sex really "means"?

It's as different as there are different people in the world. And intentions.

And so that's why I think the whole virginity thing doesn't make sense.

Even if you did have sex with a person--your intentions, their intentions, may be different than with a different person. It's not like suddenly you would be enlightened. Which is sort of how virginity is portrayed.

As if you learned some new skill--like people are just some kind of object to be used...and you learned how to do it? Once you lost your virginity?

Silly!

But it is much more individual, if or when you choose to explore sex with a specific person, imo. Because it's about what it means to you and them.

Virginity, objectively, doesn't really matter that much in the scale of things, imo. "Things" being everything that could possibly exist. Virginity is just a detail...not as significant as its made out to be by society.

Tbh I'm probably a little jealous. I kind of wish I'd never had sex. I've even wished I'd never even been a sexual creature, as I feel it's put me in more dangerous situations than anything...I've had too many bad situations to count, and it's left me hurt.

And it makes me sad that people can't view each other more simply--like as individual people...sexuality sometimes (or maybe not--maybe just people being unkind and choosing to not care for others) seems to blind people and they don't really care about the other person, because they only care what they want or what reaction they want. Which I find really sad and isolating.

I am always curious about people's virginities, perhaps because of my dissatisfaction with my own loss of virginity. So I also find it sort of fascinating, tbh. And I probably idealize it more than I should. It just seems nice to me, the idea of being a virgin. But at the same time, I'm kind of glad I lost mine, even though I didn't want to at the time, or consent, because it allowed me to question the importance of it--personally, compared to how others value, or society values it.

So I would still say that I wouldn't judge someone badly about it. And I am sorry that I've made this topic more about me, but it's how I see it. I think it'd be nice to be a 43 year old virgin sometimes! Though I also respect and care for anyone, regardless of their sexual history--experienced or not. There are benefits to having sexual experience and also to not having it.

So to me it's more of a curious, wonderful sort of thing--like "how did you manage that?!" I wonder what it might be like. Of course though, I don't see it as really being that significant because I can't see virginity so much as an expression of choice as much as just some detail. But it is definitely really interesting to think about what kind of meaning we could assign to it.

So--tldr I don't see it as a bad thing at all. I just see it as a bad thing if it's something that is bad to you, because then it's just a problem to be solved, but the good thing is that by the time you are 43 you've had a lot of time to figure that out, and so I am confident you will be well equipped to make the right decision for yourself. So all in all, seems pretty good.
 

·
Registered
ENTP
Joined
·
256 Posts
None of these things really. Though I didn't really learn any social skills until my 20's. Its really a long story with a whole lot of factors involved, and I'm not gonna attempt to explain it all. But just a few key factors are that I have a psychosis, don't work, don't plan on working, don't drive, and don't plan on driving.
That's what I am talking about. Virginity itself isn't a problem but it's a result of an undergoing problem. In your case it is the mental issues together with general "inability to live an adult life". Certainly there are women out there willing to be with a stay at home unemployed boyfriend but they are rare and they are also looking for specific traits in boyfriends you might not have. And psychosis is rarely a turn on. As someone say psychosis doesn't exactly make you a virgin because you can have sex with a random girl within a few hours since meeting her but as Fi dom you probably want to build a relationship first. So your potential partners see your attacks before they are at the point of getting to bed with you, and don't want you anymore.

I repeat - virginity isn't the problem, but a sign of undergoing problems.

Wow is this terrible advice. No consideration for what OP actually wants. Also nonsense advice because trouble with erection does not imply little or no interest in sex, which is what's a compatible orientation for an asexual woman.
I have no idea what OP actually wants anyway since he never said. All he said is that he is not desperate and focuses on both sex and romance, which might mean he is not that obsessed with sex anyway. And even if he is now he is 43 year old, not 20-few. The hormones aren't as strong anymore and he can stand not having sex. His hormones were probably not as strong in the first place - if they were he might hire a prostitute or go to a one night stand met in a bar or in an online chat a long time ago.

And it wasn't exactly an advice. I was just being real. And I didn't imply that potential trouble with erection is a sign of lack of interest in sex. I just mean that an asexual woman is less likely to dump him because of that. And asexuality also comes in levels and there are secondary orientations involved. Asexual demisexual is for example quite common thing. Those people call themselves asexual because they don't want to have sex with anyone and see is as dirty, disqusting etc. but find themselves to be able to have sex and might even crave it with someone they have a strong emotional connection with. Which he probably needs too, since he mentions romantic relationship together with sex. He isn't just about sex. He migth even be on the demisexual side himself. Sexual orientations aren't black and white.

It's a common reason why people with a "problematic" personality stay virgins - they simply don't want to have sex with just anyone. I am on the side too (except I am scoliosexual, not asexual - but people who I find attractive are really rare so there is little difference). I am 32yo and I literally had only 2 proper sexual partners, one that was my virgin friend (he didn't make me lose my virginity due to the erection thing) and one I met in a chatroom as an 29yo because my physical virginity was annoying - I couldn't use tampons and gyn visits hurt like hell so I decided to get rid of the piece of meat and gyn said it's better to remove it naturally by having sex instead of going through an operation.

I also gave op another option which is lonely woman with children (who obviously can do sex), or lonely woman not wanting to have kids (which could as well be sex bombs on pills).
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,982 Posts
Discussion Starter · #27 ·
So your potential partners see your attacks before they are at the point of getting to bed with you, and don't want you anymore.
Eh, I don't really have "attacks".
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,982 Posts
Discussion Starter · #28 ·
Certainly there are women out there willing to be with a stay at home unemployed boyfriend but they are rare and they are also looking for specific traits in boyfriends you might not have. And psychosis is rarely a turn on.
I already know this.
 

·
Registered
ENTP
Joined
·
256 Posts
Eh, I don't really have "attacks".
Whatever it is. Psychosis comes in many forms but they are rarely pleasant.

Psychosis is a condition that affects the way your brain processes information. It causes you to lose touch with reality. You might see, hear, or believe things that aren't real.
I used "attack" as a general form because even if it is just a fake belief it could still be called an "psychosis attack". It's "Psychosis attacking your brain".
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,982 Posts
Discussion Starter · #30 ·
Whatever it is. Psychosis comes in many forms but they are rarely pleasant.



I used "attack" as a general form because even if it is just a fake belief it could still be called an "psychosis attack". It's "Psychosis attacking your brain".
My point is that on my pills I'm not any more delusional than most people. I can even be pretty down to earth about things, except maybe a little bit when I'm high. But even then, its more just being high from weed than being ill.
 

·
Infractionated
ENTP. 7w8 sx/sp. pm me Dune memes.
Joined
·
8,894 Posts
I don't think sex is the defining thing that makes people, well... people. This by itself wouldn't be a problem if I were interested in the person (and single, obviously).

When people have sex at first and get to know each others bodies it's rarely just great right away anyway. Like, people have to learn each other, what works for each other etc anyway. So.... It's not really a problem at all, because experience doesn't mean experienced in a way that works for who you're with anyway.

-----

With that being said:

I'd be curious on why & this may make a difference on me being okay with it or not. This is mostly because if the person had strong religious ties to waiting until marriage or something (at the time, and not in the past), or something similar, then we'd be incompatible, but it wouldn't be because person hadn't had sex... Just general incompatible ideology issues.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Ock

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,578 Posts
Why should it matter? I'd guess it's due to character or religion but otherwise I don't know enough to judge.
There's little reason for strangers to fixate on this sort of thing except maybe wanting ammo for petty insults.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Ock

·
Registered
Joined
·
31 Posts
I have a friend who is 40 and he's virgin. He's clever, sweet, funny and other things, I think that if he wanted, he could have had sex and even in some talks about his experiences I noticed that there were some opportunities, but he's introvert and idealistic and in his life he suffered a lot, also for love, so he chose to be alone (he has a clear image about the type of woman he desires and he said that he won't be satisfied with something different, I understand this and I don't see any problem).

This is just an example that I report here because I want to say if a person has no experience with sex it doesn't mean this person is freak, on the opposite side, sometimes it has very strong, and not negative, moral values. We choose what we think is better for us based on our personality and life experiences but sometimes it's something based on luck. If the right person doesn't come, why does someone need to have sex? It's an intimate contact, not so superficial and casual for all the people, thankfully I must say.

This won't be a problem man if you are in front of a person that loves you, it could be even better for your partner, because she will feel special and it could be beautiful explore together the sexuality.
I can say that my partner is a grow up man but he has even less experience than me, but who cares? I think it will be enjoyable because I like "teaching" and initiate people to new curious things. I’m a sexually confident person, which means I know how to do it right, so I'm confident about other virginity or lack of experience. If you'll be in front of someone who cares of you and who is confident, there won't be problem.
Only a superficial person can think that your virginity is a problem in a relationship.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,982 Posts
Discussion Starter · #35 ·

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
42,582 Posts
If all these posts here written to a woman instead of a man, but the topic was exactly the same, I wonder what the responces would look like...for example, if you changed the word he with she and his with her...
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,982 Posts
Discussion Starter · #37 ·
If all these posts here written to a woman instead of a man, but the topic was exactly the same, I wonder what the responces would look like...for example, if you changed the word he with she and his with her...
I bet there's a lot less 43 year old female virgins. Women don't have to try nearly as hard to get a sex partner.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
42,582 Posts
I bet there's a lot less 43 year old female virgins. Women don't have to try nearly as hard to get a sex partner.
To be honest I don't give to flying frocks wether or not someone is a virgin. But why would we want a sex partner. Its just meaningless gymnastics unless deep romantic feelings and trust are involved. It might look different if we are intoxicated though, offcorse.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,982 Posts
Discussion Starter · #39 ·
To be honest I don't give to flying frocks wether or not someone is a virgin. But why would we want a sex partner. Its just meaningless gymnastics unless deep romantic feelings and trust are involved. It might look different if we are intoxicated though, offcorse.
I chose to use the term sex partner instead of love partner for the sake of semantics because the topic is on virginity, not falling in love. But I'm not saying I necessarily disagree with you.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Electra

·
Premium Member
INTJ 5w4 531 sx/sp
Joined
·
1,539 Posts
I don't think the older guy virgin thing is automatically an issue. Is it more unusual these days? Sure- but it's not always because of red flags or issues. It can be- but that's not always the case. And the approach? Slowly with lots and lots of communication. I think sex always causes some manner of anxiety anyway, especially in the beginning there's a lot of pressure and expectation. I'm not very experienced either but I think guys feel like they are expected to magically know things and women are expected to magically know things and in reality it would be better if communication happened.

And @Ock- one thing I've noticed here and elsewhere is that you are very in tune with your personal struggles and you know what your vices are and own them- and as you said earlier don't intend to change them. That kind of self-awareness and comfort in your own skin is a good thing. When you find the person who is willing to get to know the actual you, experience will be irrelevant because it's just part of your backstory. I'm probably not explaining well.
 
21 - 40 of 106 Posts
Top