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How do women feel about forty something men who are still virgins?

19K views 180 replies 49 participants last post by  Necrofantasia 
#1 ·
I'm a 43 year old virgin and I'm genuinely curious. I'm not desperate, and I'm not interested in any of you taking my virginity, so don't worry. But please say what you really think; I can handle it. I already know I'm incompatible with the vast majority of women for various reasons, and I fully accept that. My feelings won't be hurt. Don't let the fact that I'm a Fi dom fool you.

But anyways, now that that's out of the way: How would you generally feel romantically about an older male virgin? How would you feel sexually? How would you even approach sex with him, if at all? How would you approach him romantically, if at all?
 
#2 · (Edited)
It would not be an issue for me. In fact, it would be refreshing. I’m not that sexually experienced either (only ever had 1 sexual partner). I just can’t sleep with someone unless there are feelings involved. So for me, it would be a good thing. Maybe even fun to discover things together, assuming there’s going to be a relationship first.

I know how it feels like to be a virgin and not be in a hurry to lose it. And for others to think that’s odd (or “boring” or “prudish”) so no negative reactions from me.
 
#3 · (Edited)
You are too old for me anyway, since I prefer younger or same age guys.
But for staying virgin at that age...
Are you waiting till marriage or something? Are you that ugly? Are you that socially incapable? Are you that picky?
There is certainly a reason, and the underlying reason worries me more than you having no sexual intercourse before.

As for sex - I don't have much experience either but I would approach normally. Some cuddling, some teasing, some sex. Virgin, no virgin - little difference for me. If you are simply shy but not that bad looking or fat I might find it quite refreshing, actually. I had a shy boyfriend before and his shyness in bed was cute.

But if you are virgin at that age you will probably have trouble with erection due to stress during your first time so it will be an awkward situation for both you and your partner. I had a relationship with a 27yo virgin before and that's basically how it went. I didn't care that much but it damaged the mood and I needed to emotionally comfort him because he was mentally devastated.

If you are a virgin at that age you should probably look for a woman that is on the asexual side so lack of erection doesn't turn her off and that is looking for a nice guy to take care of her children from ex marriage or something. Not like you have much chance getting your own kids with a young woman because you will be not their type. And at 40+ most woman already have children and those who don't are mostly the ones who don't want any or can't have any.
 
#4 ·
Are you waiting till marriage or something? Are you that ugly? Are you that socially incapable? Are you that picky?
None of these things really. Though I didn't really learn any social skills until my 20's. Its really a long story with a whole lot of factors involved, and I'm not gonna attempt to explain it all. But just a few key factors are that I have a psychosis, don't work, don't plan on working, don't drive, and don't plan on driving.
 
#10 ·
I've actually known a few. One was a minister friend who had yet to marry. The other was basically asexual and just had no interest. I've also known a few dudes who weren't quite in their 40s but were well over 25+ and into their 30s (again mostly religious)

If I were single, it wouldn't be a deal breaker, but it would really depend on how healthy their attitude towards it and the reasons behind still being a virgin, their openness on sex in general, if our libidos matched up etc.
 
#11 ·
But anyways, now that that's out of the way: How would you generally feel romantically about an older male virgin? How would you feel sexually?
This guy has to be pretty marvellous to begin with, If I like him enough for sex to be on the table (bad phrasing?) it woudn't make a difference to how I feel
How would you even approach sex with him, if at all? How would you approach him romantically, if at all?
Wine & dine & all that boring stuff probably
 
#13 ·
And also dude - and this is going to fly in the face of popular convention - but fuck these mouth-breathers:

Virginity is a precious thing - it makes everything more important.
 
#14 ·
I recon virginity is a private matter. There is nothing wrong with being or not being a virgin. The danger can begin when people put too much emphasis on it in one way or another! Look at somewhere countries in the world where people might kill you if you should be raped and loose your virginity. Does it really matter?! NO!!! It is such a stupid thing to waste time on. It has nothing to do with the quality of the personality! Instead of choosing to focus on the lack of physical experience people could also choose to view not having a virginity as just not being the type who sleeps around. Not having a virginity is not bad or good in my eyes at least, it just is what it is. It can -and should- be viewed both ways, as a neutral thing.
 
#15 ·
I'm not a woman, but I don't care when a guy tells me he's a virgin, which suprisingly doesn't happen too often ;D. It's your choice and you say you have your reasons and that's enough, If it's enough for you then that's all that should matter. If a women you're dating finds this out and doesn't like it, then it wasn't meant to be my man. There are plenty of women who understand why someone wouldn't have lost their virginity. A lot of people have emotional issues or have had bad experiences with molestation in the past. If I was a girl I wouldn't judge you, we all have our reasons. Hell, I can barely be intimate with people as is, I just don't want them to be uncomfortable because I have been in that state in the past.

Good luck my man. You are enough as you are! 🙏
 
#16 ·
People will try and make you feel bad about whatever they can. Most of the time it's so they can feel better about themselves.

I remember the dude on here who tried to shame me for getting married young, having kids young and for only being with my husband. I just laughed at him and told him shame only works if you feel you've done something wrong. As long as you live by your own principles everything else and everybody else and their opinions, can go fuck themselves.

We need to let go of the idea that there is a certain threshold for these things and if you don't loose your virginity by a certain age you're insert negative stereotype when it's a very personal and individual thing.
 
#19 ·
How would you generally feel romantically about an older male virgin? How would you feel sexually?
It would not hold any weight in terms of romantic or sexual attraction, although I'd make attempts to be considerate to your feelings on the subject.

How would you even approach sex with him, if at all? How would you approach him romantically, if at all?
I would approach like I would with anybody I'm interested in and see how it goes. Everyone has their own unique history when it comes to intimacy, so it depends entirely on the dynamic created at the point in time we come together. I'd say that your concern over how someone else might feel would be heartening, though.

No matter where you are at in life, if someone cannot accept your past or who you are, they will only cause misery. If anything, I'd encourage you to have faith there are women out there that aren't going to judge you for being out-of-the-norm (and some might even find it refreshing, often being out-of-the-norm ourselves :p).
 
#20 · (Edited by Moderator)
Outside of my age range. Even 5 years difference is pushing it for me, they'd have to be an exceptional guy to get me to go 5-6 years apart.

I think virginity in guys my own age is cute. I end up wanting to be first. It's also a bit nice to teach them to do things (to me) my way, lmao...like some jobs hire rookies to train their employees their way.

For some girls it brings out a bit of a side they might otherwise never have (being more top / dominant). It basically them want to rock the virgin's world, I guess you could say.
 
#21 · (Edited)
I already know I'm incompatible with the vast majority of women for various reasons
I’m married and I still feel like I’m incompatible with the female race. Whatever that word means. 😬 - we’re quite different - complementary perhaps? She would be highly suspicious of those with “too much sexual experience”. We were both virgins when we got married - and it’s been fine ever since.

I heard for gen X it was typical that sex is for marriage. (I'm Gen Y btw)
Gen Y: sex is for love.
Gen Z: sex is for pleasure.
(But these are just generalisations and trends)

It seems strange, what was once "conservative" could be considered "counter cultural" now?
 
#22 ·
How would you generally feel romantically about an older male virgin? How would you feel sexually? How would you even approach sex with him, if at all? How would you approach him romantically, if at all?
I'd feel curious. It could be a red flag, so I would want to know the reasons behind such a decision. Just an open and honest communication about everything involved in the matter, so we'd both know where we stand, what our expectations are, whether there could be any misconceptions about sex or relationships in general. But that kind of communication would be the usual way I'd approach any individual I want to get to know better, my interest in people is never about romance or sex in mind.

When things do lead to romance and sex, it's always about discovering new territories no matter how much experience you have. Being a virgin doesn't mean that they haven't read about, or seen movies on the subject. I'd worry about compatibility if the man had absolutely no interest or knowledge about any aspects of romantic and sexual relationships. Other than that, it would be very interesting to discover things together, just like in any other relationship.
 
#23 ·
I would just assume the person is an introvert and they have their own reasons.

...."Approach sex with him"? I don't really know how to answer that. I will say--I think that it's probably best to be honest about such a thing with female friends or partners because it could help you both to decide the best path.

Of course, you should always be cautious about the people you let into your life though--female or male. Sadly, there are people out there who don't care about other people's interests, safety, or wellbeing. Far too many of them.

But if you trust someone and are romantically interested in someone, I think it's a good idea to let them know because they may realize they need to take the lead more (I assume that'd be the case, though I don't really know).

The only thing that really gets me about virginity (and this is nothing I've seen you say Ock) is when some men act like it's the worst thing in the world. I've experienced sexual assault and likely have some kind of PTSD and I personally sympathize with people for celibacy (I mean, I feel sorry enough for myself the last decade) but I really dislike when some men act like the worst thing in the world is to be a virgin and that anything could be better (again--nothing you've said or done Ock).

And the other thing that gets me about the topic is that imo virginity isn't really...like riding a bike. Everyone is different.

I'm not a virgin by a long shot but I believe that every time you have sex it is new, and that every partner, is different. I don't think of sex as a mechanical thing you just get used to performing with anyone. It's a way for two people to connect on an intimate level and it's deeply personal. So I sort of think of that like...everyone is virginal to the people they haven't slept with. It's something new, it's something individual, and it's not something that you "did" if you didn't sleep with someone. I don't really know how else to describe it, except that it's not mechanical...people aren't monoliths. They are individuals.

Sort of like..."do you know people?" Well you know people when you get to know them...they aren't a monolith. They are all different. You know people when you learn about them, listen to them, try to understand them. Share experiences with them. And even then, you don't know everyone just because you've gotten to know someone.

So imo, I wouldn't really care. I don't look down or up at virgins. Neither do I look down or up at sexually experienced people.

Everyone's different and they have their own reasons for their own sexual choices--and it is their choice. It's not my business. I would be curious, just like I'm curious about most people, about their personal story. But I wouldn't form a judgment against them either way, just based on sexual history.

I didn't get to choose when I lost my virginity and I have lived my whole life knowing various people who think they should be able to control or determine my sexuality and my romantic choices. Who do not care for me at all, beyond whatever they think I should give to them. So that's the last thing I've ever wanted to do to anyone else because it's none of my business, and it's not caring nor kind to impose on others in such a way.

And while that's different than preference (which is fine--I am pleased as can be so long as people's preferences leave me alone), I still don't really have any judgments or preferences regarding other people's virginity.

So eh--my feelings and thoughts are you do you. Doesn't matter. But probably something to be honest and talk about with a female partner who is trusted, so that you can best determine what you both want and how to get there.

Also, if any of this sounds defensive or off topic, it's not because of you Ock--I've just been feeling a bit confused lately by people's behavior and unfortunately I don't have the best history of people really respecting or caring about my boundaries, safety, or needs. So it is coloring my thinking lately, especially about this topic (it's always kind of a dark topic for me--but I do want to say I don't at all look down on virgins (or non-virgins) and I think it's silly that people put so much significance on it when everyone's sexuality is so individual and should be respected so long as it's not imposing or hurting anyone).
 
#24 ·
I think it’s special to have that opportunity. It’s a test of my skills. Am I a good enough lover to give him the most blissful time he’s ever had? And am I a good enough communicator to get what I need? I doubt I would know they were a virgin until we were close to having sex. I would make sure they felt assured that I’m a safe person and that I’m excited for our first experience together.

Forty, shmorty! Age of virginity doesn’t matter to me. Someone who mocks your virginity status has failed at having sex with you. Virginity means different things to different people too. For some, it means putting it in, though other sex acts are more challenging. For me, it meant the first male genitals in my hand, my “loss of innocence.” (Ugh, so intoxicating!) No one is truly a blank slate to sex either because of fantasies and porn. An older virgin will likely know what they’re okay with while a younger virgin may have some regrets down the line. I would ask them what they wanted to try, positions, etc. I would tell them my hard limits and mention a few porn moves I’ve seen that would feel terrible if they were done to me. But I would talk about all that stuff anyway.
 
#25 ·
I'm sorry--I'm just rambling even more here:

I just have to add here--this seems "objective" or logical or something to me.

But why would it make sense that understanding of sex was defined by one's virginity. (rhetorical question--not directed at you, Ock, but just society in general, who I feel does sort of present it this way.)

Like, I feel that is how it's portrayed--once you know what it is in an intimate sense.

But realistically? Sex can be soo many ways? Just like there are so many individuals in the world?

The extreme example of losing one's virginity without consent (and there are worse ways than I experienced for sure...many of which are probably sad, tragic, and should not be)...

Like could you say to someone who lost their virginity in a very terrible way that "well now you know...sex" ?

I would say no, you can't.

Because it could be there is a completely different type of sex out there with someone who cares about you and your wellbeing. Who even loves you? Could be you never experience this, but it's okay--because it still exists. Someone else has.

So that's why the whole virginity = knowledge thing doesn't make sense to me. Because who defines what sex really "means"?

It's as different as there are different people in the world. And intentions.

And so that's why I think the whole virginity thing doesn't make sense.

Even if you did have sex with a person--your intentions, their intentions, may be different than with a different person. It's not like suddenly you would be enlightened. Which is sort of how virginity is portrayed.

As if you learned some new skill--like people are just some kind of object to be used...and you learned how to do it? Once you lost your virginity?

Silly!

But it is much more individual, if or when you choose to explore sex with a specific person, imo. Because it's about what it means to you and them.

Virginity, objectively, doesn't really matter that much in the scale of things, imo. "Things" being everything that could possibly exist. Virginity is just a detail...not as significant as its made out to be by society.

Tbh I'm probably a little jealous. I kind of wish I'd never had sex. I've even wished I'd never even been a sexual creature, as I feel it's put me in more dangerous situations than anything...I've had too many bad situations to count, and it's left me hurt.

And it makes me sad that people can't view each other more simply--like as individual people...sexuality sometimes (or maybe not--maybe just people being unkind and choosing to not care for others) seems to blind people and they don't really care about the other person, because they only care what they want or what reaction they want. Which I find really sad and isolating.

I am always curious about people's virginities, perhaps because of my dissatisfaction with my own loss of virginity. So I also find it sort of fascinating, tbh. And I probably idealize it more than I should. It just seems nice to me, the idea of being a virgin. But at the same time, I'm kind of glad I lost mine, even though I didn't want to at the time, or consent, because it allowed me to question the importance of it--personally, compared to how others value, or society values it.

So I would still say that I wouldn't judge someone badly about it. And I am sorry that I've made this topic more about me, but it's how I see it. I think it'd be nice to be a 43 year old virgin sometimes! Though I also respect and care for anyone, regardless of their sexual history--experienced or not. There are benefits to having sexual experience and also to not having it.

So to me it's more of a curious, wonderful sort of thing--like "how did you manage that?!" I wonder what it might be like. Of course though, I don't see it as really being that significant because I can't see virginity so much as an expression of choice as much as just some detail. But it is definitely really interesting to think about what kind of meaning we could assign to it.

So--tldr I don't see it as a bad thing at all. I just see it as a bad thing if it's something that is bad to you, because then it's just a problem to be solved, but the good thing is that by the time you are 43 you've had a lot of time to figure that out, and so I am confident you will be well equipped to make the right decision for yourself. So all in all, seems pretty good.
 
#31 · (Edited)
I don't think sex is the defining thing that makes people, well... people. This by itself wouldn't be a problem if I were interested in the person (and single, obviously).

When people have sex at first and get to know each others bodies it's rarely just great right away anyway. Like, people have to learn each other, what works for each other etc anyway. So.... It's not really a problem at all, because experience doesn't mean experienced in a way that works for who you're with anyway.

-----

With that being said:

I'd be curious on why & this may make a difference on me being okay with it or not. This is mostly because if the person had strong religious ties to waiting until marriage or something (at the time, and not in the past), or something similar, then we'd be incompatible, but it wouldn't be because person hadn't had sex... Just general incompatible ideology issues.
 
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#34 · (Edited)
I have a friend who is 40 and he's virgin. He's clever, sweet, funny and other things, I think that if he wanted, he could have had sex and even in some talks about his experiences I noticed that there were some opportunities, but he's introvert and idealistic and in his life he suffered a lot, also for love, so he chose to be alone (he has a clear image about the type of woman he desires and he said that he won't be satisfied with something different, I understand this and I don't see any problem).

This is just an example that I report here because I want to say if a person has no experience with sex it doesn't mean this person is freak, on the opposite side, sometimes it has very strong, and not negative, moral values. We choose what we think is better for us based on our personality and life experiences but sometimes it's something based on luck. If the right person doesn't come, why does someone need to have sex? It's an intimate contact, not so superficial and casual for all the people, thankfully I must say.

This won't be a problem man if you are in front of a person that loves you, it could be even better for your partner, because she will feel special and it could be beautiful explore together the sexuality.
I can say that my partner is a grow up man but he has even less experience than me, but who cares? I think it will be enjoyable because I like "teaching" and initiate people to new curious things. I’m a sexually confident person, which means I know how to do it right, so I'm confident about other virginity or lack of experience. If you'll be in front of someone who cares of you and who is confident, there won't be problem.
Only a superficial person can think that your virginity is a problem in a relationship.
 
#36 ·
If all these posts here written to a woman instead of a man, but the topic was exactly the same, I wonder what the responces would look like...for example, if you changed the word he with she and his with her...
 
#37 ·
I bet there's a lot less 43 year old female virgins. Women don't have to try nearly as hard to get a sex partner.
 
#40 ·
I don't think the older guy virgin thing is automatically an issue. Is it more unusual these days? Sure- but it's not always because of red flags or issues. It can be- but that's not always the case. And the approach? Slowly with lots and lots of communication. I think sex always causes some manner of anxiety anyway, especially in the beginning there's a lot of pressure and expectation. I'm not very experienced either but I think guys feel like they are expected to magically know things and women are expected to magically know things and in reality it would be better if communication happened.

And @Ock- one thing I've noticed here and elsewhere is that you are very in tune with your personal struggles and you know what your vices are and own them- and as you said earlier don't intend to change them. That kind of self-awareness and comfort in your own skin is a good thing. When you find the person who is willing to get to know the actual you, experience will be irrelevant because it's just part of your backstory. I'm probably not explaining well.
 
#41 ·
I mean if a guy your age is a virgin because he's a desperate creepy incel that no one wants, yeah that's a problem... If it's for any other reason, it's perfectly fine to be virgin!

As long as you're happy and healthy that's what matters, don't let anyone tell you otherwise or manipulate you into sex.

- fellow adult virgin and celibate (but female, and gay) actually my first impression was "that's so cool" cause I certainly feel like an alien sometimes and men especially seem so sex obsessed, it comforts me that not all of you are.
 
#42 ·
I mean if a guy your age is a virgin because he's a desperate creepy incel that no one wants,
I think this is one thing people will assume when a man is a virgin. Or they'll assume that he has no life, friends, social skills, is a naive person, isn't happy, etc., etc. All stereotypes I just mentioned don't actually fit me.
 
#44 ·
I'm assuming you don't lead your interactions with, "I'm a 43 year old virgin." so I don't really understand how that's supposed to affect someone sexually; or determine how they feel romantically. I mean, if you're getting to know someone and start to become romantic, the feelings are already starting naturally, and any sexual desire one has would be building progressively within their own selves. Learning that the person of your affections is a virgin might come as a surprise or something in the moment, but by then the feelings and desire should have already been developed.

The other questions seem as though you're leading - or you plan in your head to lead - interactions with the fact that you're a virgin, so maybe that says more about how much emphasis you yourself are really placing on it opposed to how much others might care. If you're getting to know someone and after some time mention it, and they respond negatively, then that should tell you enough about that person and whether or not they're someone you want to lose your virginity to?? I mean, it's not like you have STD, which imo you should absolutely tell someone before engaging in a sexual relationship. It's like, telling them you're a virgin seems more for yourself to pre-excuse any performance issues. Though I suppose, if it comes up naturally as part of a conversation about amount of past partners or something, they're probably at least open to the idea of being sexual with you, so I don't see why it'd be a 'problem'.

Personally, I often think I was a much better person before I lost my virginity. Sex was more a fantasy and I myself a less 'corrupted' individual(in certain ways). People may say what they will about being 43 years old and a virgin, but to have a bit of that innocence or even pureness of ideas is something I envy.
 
#50 ·
Awww that sucks a lot. 😢
 
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