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One of the recurring themes among the INFJs is this desire to be left alone but at the same time connect with someone meaningfully and deeply. It's an extremely rare occurrence to find that someone that understands you, and more rarely to keep that person with you for a life time.

In my case, I've found a handful of people that have touch me in some way emotionally and intellectually, but sadly, it never lasts. Whether it's my own doing caused by my insecurities and fear, distance, or simply disinterest from the other person, these connections and relationships tend to drift away into oblivion leaving me with a deep sense of failure, emptiness and hopelessness.

As a result, I have developed from an early age this strategy of becoming independent and embracing this idea that I'm destined to live and die alone. On the other hand, deep within me, there's this nagging longing to find that special person that will travel with me in this adventure called life. When I'm on the verge of giving up to this idea of companionship, there's this part of me that refuses to acknowledge and give in that my fate is to be that observer of life and people instead of becoming part of life itself and the interconnectedness(sp) of the universe.

Unfortunately, I'm either all or nothing when it comes to actively seeking for relationships. I can't seem to find that healthy medium of not going into hardcore hermit mode, and then desperately seeking for someone to become close to.

Does anyone have any tips/advice on how to deal with this? Sometimes an outside perspective helps.

Thanks :)
 

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The only thing you can do is put yourself out there and seek someone compatible to you. As far as romantic relationships go, it'd be best if you could keep your insecurities and fears hidden. You could talk to a counselor about such things if you need to, or to a close friend. And when relationships end, don't spend time beating yourself up over it, just learn from it then purge it from your mind and move on.
 

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@Alaya What you need is someone that is concerned but doesn't take your withdrawals personally (someone confident). We all have some sort of fear of rejection one way or another when it comes to everything, especially people. The people that really shine though are the ones that aren't afraid of rejection because they know that in regards to people, deep down, we all crave and appreciate that social interaction, no matter how strange, random, good, or bad you think it may have been. People appreciating and loving social connection is universal. Keeping this underlying fact at the heart of your life will help you step out of yourself more(but you don't always have to). When you interact with a stranger, no matter how the interaction goes, you are if only for a moment, allowing them to step out of their heads into that happy social place. You could think of it as sharing realities. With a stranger or love interest try go past the robotic "Hi, how are you, fine" and just say something that's on your mind. As soon as you do that that's when the magic happens.

If you need a break from social contact that's fine, if people can't respect that that's their problem (again a self confident person would understand). The soccer player Lionel Messi does that too. He just stops talking to his team mates sometimes. He goes on to say if one of his team mates approaches him he will just ignore them because he doesn't want to speak. When he first played for Barcelona he never said a word. Then at a random time, moment, or day, one of his team mates will come up to him and he will speak. He goes on to say openly that it's just the way he is, and if people can't respect that, tough shit. He's the best footballer in the world. So maybe try that too. Just say to your friend "I need a bit of time to chill out, I'll talk to you in a couple days". Get me?

Don't put yourself under too much pressure. Keep your "seeking relationship" in the back of your mind and not at the front and something will just fall in front of you. Then it's your move if you feel like a magician :)
 

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@Alaya What I try to do is listen to my own body & mind and figure out what it needs. Is my mind tired? Does it want peace and quiet today? If so: I won't see anybody that day. Are my energy levels ok? Do I have a desire to speak with someone else today? If that is the case: I meet up with somebody. A friend. A family member.

It is often, not just with this, that your mind & body already know the answers. You just have to learn how to listen.

You also mention that fears & insecurities keep you from connecting any further with other people. Wouldn't it be wiser, albeit tougher, to adress those fears & insecurities first instead of balancing your desires? If you don't work on those fears you will find it pretty hard to balance your desires for alone time and connection time.
 

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Well you just have to find out WHY you want things (being alone or being connected) and rework that whole why stuff. Example of my emotions: "I want someone to connect with, to bring me a part of the outside, to help me feel connected." And then I would think, "why? Why do I want to feel connected when yesterday I wanted to be alone? What changed?" And I would realize, "ahhh. What I really want is to relieve stress! I've been trying too hard and exhausting my energy and I need a break. I want someone else to be in charge of me for a bit. To be happy to bring me along on whatever it is they are doing. To relieve this stress by forgetting about my tasks that I need to do. And after the stress is relieved I can go back to work, being independent again. Creating more stress again, and feeling good about myself because of it."

And after learning why I want things, it becomes more realistic of a problem so I can solve it rather easily. Instead of being this whole existential crisis, I can see what it is that I want.
 

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Just know that it does take time to find compatible people. Why? Because when you've tried a thousand times with different people to make a bond and it just doesn't go according to plan, you learn. So expect it to take time.

But at the same time sitting and waiting for things to fall in place sucks. XD So you gotta do something to speed up the process. We always want to find people that are compatible to US. How about WE try to be compatible with others? I'm not saying let go of who you are, but people have needs too. You need maybe an understanding person or more expressive person. Others need things like that as well. Identify them and see if you can fill in the missing pieces for them, without bothering yourself too much of course. Don't let yourself get stressed out by doing too much for people.

By doing this, you learn to adapt to your environment. And fast too, because it's conscious and you're willing rather than forced by survival to adapt.

Almost all of the advice the guys so far have mentioned I do already.

put yourself out there and seek someone compatible to you
What you need is someone that is concerned but doesn't take your withdrawals personally (someone confident
Finding comfort in transience.
What I try to do is listen to my own body & mind and figure out what it needs. Is my mind tired? Does it want peace and quiet today? If so: I won't see anybody that day. Are my energy levels ok? Do I have a desire to speak with someone else today? If that is the case: I meet up with somebody. A friend. A family member.
I do all these. And I've found people I'm cool with. ^___^

I guess the best advice I can give you is be patient, don't give up on trying to find someone compatible with you, keep trying to meet people and take breaks for yourself. You're more likely to find the right people when you interact with more people.
 

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One of the recurring themes among the INFJs is this desire to be left alone but at the same time connect with someone meaningfully and deeply. It's an extremely rare occurrence to find that someone that understands you, and more rarely to keep that person with you for a life time.

In my case, I've found a handful of people that have touch me in some way emotionally and intellectually, but sadly, it never lasts. Whether it's my own doing caused by my insecurities and fear, distance, or simply disinterest from the other person, these connections and relationships tend to drift away into oblivion leaving me with a deep sense of failure, emptiness and hopelessness.

As a result, I have developed from an early age this strategy of becoming independent and embracing this idea that I'm destined to live and die alone. On the other hand, deep within me, there's this nagging longing to find that special person that will travel with me in this adventure called life. When I'm on the verge of giving up to this idea of companionship, there's this part of me that refuses to acknowledge and give in that my fate is to be that observer of life and people instead of becoming part of life itself and the interconnectedness(sp) of the universe.

Unfortunately, I'm either all or nothing when it comes to actively seeking for relationships. I can't seem to find that healthy medium of not going into hardcore hermit mode, and then desperately seeking for someone to become close to.

Does anyone have any tips/advice on how to deal with this? Sometimes an outside perspective helps.

Thanks :)
I understand you perfectly. I'm going through this phase right now where I'm worrying about this phenomenon even more than usual. Unfortunately, I also could not give you any advice, since I myself have no idea how I can reconcile these opposing aspects of my self, but know that you are not alone in this struggle.:)
 

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One of the recurring themes among the INFJs is this desire to be left alone but at the same time connect with someone meaningfully and deeply. It's an extremely rare occurrence to find that someone that understands you, and more rarely to keep that person with you for a life time.

In my case, I've found a handful of people that have touch me in some way emotionally and intellectually, but sadly, it never lasts. Whether it's my own doing caused by my insecurities and fear, distance, or simply disinterest from the other person, these connections and relationships tend to drift away into oblivion leaving me with a deep sense of failure, emptiness and hopelessness.

As a result, I have developed from an early age this strategy of becoming independent and embracing this idea that I'm destined to live and die alone. On the other hand, deep within me, there's this nagging longing to find that special person that will travel with me in this adventure called life. When I'm on the verge of giving up to this idea of companionship, there's this part of me that refuses to acknowledge and give in that my fate is to be that observer of life and people instead of becoming part of life itself and the interconnectedness(sp) of the universe.

Unfortunately, I'm either all or nothing when it comes to actively seeking for relationships. I can't seem to find that healthy medium of not going into hardcore hermit mode, and then desperately seeking for someone to become close to.

Does anyone have any tips/advice on how to deal with this? Sometimes an outside perspective helps.

Thanks :)
Art, music and writing are wonderful for going deep. I suppose that’s my method then…I get creative to express myself deeply to others, and I enjoy others’ art to feel them deeply.
I’m incredibly introverted. After work more often than not it’s nature and animals time for me, not people time. Seriously, going out shopping for food is enough to get me back connected with humanity when I’ve had too much solitude. Or I also love to read. Takes my mind off myself and lets me travel while relaxing with a really great cat in a really comfy environment!
 

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Art, music and writing are wonderful for going deep. I suppose that’s my method then…I get creative to express myself deeply to others, and I enjoy others’ art to feel them deeply.
I’m incredibly introverted. After work more often than not it’s nature and animals time for me, not people time. Seriously, going out shopping for food is enough to get me back connected with humanity when I’ve had too much solitude. Or I also love to read. Takes my mind off myself and lets me travel while relaxing with a really great cat in a really comfy environment!
Haha I somewhat sadly admit too that going to the grocery store is enough social interaction for me on most days lol.

I think I would benefit from a pet though.
 

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I like being by myself but do not like being alone too long....its bad enough I don't like men and at times people :rolleyes: .

I balance it by when I am spending time with a significant other I do so in a relative quiet enviroment such as going for a drive along the coast...kayaking...a picnic on a jetty...a walk on the beach and so on.
 

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Oh wow, I really wasn't expecting that many thoughtful and helpful replies. I appreciate every one of you for taking the time to give me advice on this.

Really, thank you.
 
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