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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I have been feeling rather down recently.
The main reason, is because my mum is ill. She has been diagnosed with early onset dementia and is probably at the middle stages of it now.
I am 28 and live at home to help out. I work full time but still doing all tidying duties as well my mother's personal care. My dad doesn't really have any idea how to clean (ESTP) - he also has his own health issues.
My younger brother is always off doing his own thing, and my older brother and sister have moved out and have their own families.
Most of these are practical issues that I know will be sorted out in time when we get a proper carer.

What I want to know is - not just from ENFP's, but from all types - what do you do to make yourself feel better?

My usual routine for centering myself is; getting to bed at a decent time (9.30pm last night O_O), writing, *trying* to meditate, eating healthily, playing guitar... But it's just not cutting it any more. I feel so extremely exhausted. I have cancelled meeting friends as I am so deflated, and I don't want to have to burden them with my crap personality. I used to go out often and drink and have fun. I cannot think of anything more annoying than that, at the moment.
I know that depression is creeping up behind me and I really, really don't want it to get to that point. I don't really feel like losing my job and sense of self lol.

How do you center yourself? How do you hold yourself together when everything else is being torn apart?
 

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I'm not a qualified counselor (yet), so take this with a grain of salt - it sounds like you're feeling deflated and down due to exhausting yourself - full-time job, tidying duties and caring for your mum, all basically on your own for one reason or another, right?

You can't just magically 'center' yourself - regardless of what you personally do for yourself, the problem will remain unsolved.

How long until your mum has a proper carer?
Are your dads issues really enough to prevent him from helping out? Not knowing how to clean doesn't cut it.
Why won't your younger brother help out more?
Can your older siblings help out at all, i.e come over for a day or two in the week to give you a break, while you await a proper carer?

Getting a proper carer will likely alleviate most of the stress you're under at the moment, I imagine once you're a little less burdened, you'll feel more able to relax, and allow yourself to relax, in the ways you already do, and you'll start feeling on top again.

What kind of music do you play?
 

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Hey, I know how it feels like. I'm an INTP and the first thing I usually do is allow myself to wallow all the feelings and feel sad. Then read up on the causes, research on depression and psychology in general. I throw myself into researching, feeling sad until I come out of it after a very long time. I'm still recovering and it does get hard. Friends help you a lot in such a scenario so don't try to isolate yourself. Btw, dementia can be slowed down by a lot of brain workout it's very hard to know to see your mom deteriorating everyday but chess, mental stimulation and a lot of work will help her cope up with it and fight back the disease. Preferably, opt for psychotherapy and engage in altruistic activities. There's nothing more healing that helping others when you are in trouble yourself. You are going to have to buckle up and I suggest you may take the following steps. A year or two might be very hard for you but you'll come out stronger.

Take care and good luck
From a recluse INTP

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Discussion Starter #4
How long until your mum has a proper carer?
Are your dads issues really enough to prevent him from helping out? Not knowing how to clean doesn't cut it.
Why won't your younger brother help out more?
Can your older siblings help out at all, i.e come over for a day or two in the week to give you a break, while you await a proper carer?
I believe they are setting up a care package where different people come in every now and then to sit with my mum (she cannot be left in the house on her own). I don't think this is going to go down well with her, she is 55 and is still believing she can do anything. Hospital have said they will set up a permanent personal carer but this could take months...

My dad and brother could definitely help out more. But I've just come to terms with my "role" in the house. She's been unable to do anything really for two years now, and slowly it just turned into me doing all the chores.
I'm going to have to talk to them about it, but perhaps say it in a way that's more like "let's pull together!" rather than "why don't you ever fucking clean up after yourself....." which has come out of my mouth a few times ^_^

My older brother is good at helping my dad and my older sister has just had a baby... I've accepted the situation how it is at the moment, I just want to be able to handle it better.



dementia can be slowed down by a lot of brain workout it's very hard to know to see your mom deteriorating everyday but chess, mental stimulation and a lot of work will help her cope up with it and fight back the disease. Preferably, opt for psychotherapy and engage in altruistic activities. There's nothing more healing that helping others when you are in trouble yourself. You are going to have to buckle up and I suggest you may take the following steps. A year or two might be very hard for you but you'll come out stronger.

I have tried to get my mum doing some mental stimulation stuff, like apps, even apps for children.. She really struggles with it and sometimes where I have perhaps pushed too much, it makes her worse.. We went round some shops a while ago, just to get her out of the house, and she was ill for like a week after. All she does is sit in a chair.


Mmm... maybe I should just go out and get drunk :crazy:

What kind of music do you play?
Anything that sounds nice to my ears :)
 

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Discussion Starter #5
P.s thank you for replying to me :)
 

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I believe they are setting up a care package where different people come in every now and then to sit with my mum (she cannot be left in the house on her own). I don't think this is going to go down well with her, she is 55 and is still believing she can do anything. Hospital have said they will set up a permanent personal carer but this could take months...

My dad and brother could definitely help out more. But I've just come to terms with my "role" in the house. She's been unable to do anything really for two years now, and slowly it just turned into me doing all the chores.
I'm going to have to talk to them about it, but perhaps say it in a way that's more like "let's pull together!" rather than "why don't you ever fucking clean up after yourself....." which has come out of my mouth a few times ^_^

My older brother is good at helping my dad and my older sister has just had a baby... I've accepted the situation how it is at the moment, I just want to be able to handle it better.






I have tried to get my mum doing some mental stimulation stuff, like apps, even apps for children.. She really struggles with it and sometimes where I have perhaps pushed too much, it makes her worse.. We went round some shops a while ago, just to get her out of the house, and she was ill for like a week after. All she does is sit in a chair.


Mmm... maybe I should just go out and get drunk :crazy:



Anything that sounds nice to my ears :)
Don't give up yet. There is got to be a way out

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I know you are going to get a professional carer later on, but for now I guess we can try to think of more efficient ways to solve the problem at hand.

1) Cleaning: if dad doesn't know how to clean, he needs to. You're both adults, and you are working full time. Does he work full time? Does he have time to allot to cleaning an hour or two per day? As a family, we should help each other out with whatever resources are available to us. In this case, time is the needed resource. Where does bro go out to? Is it work/school or just recreational? If recreational, he also needs to set aside time and help out. I see that you are very responsible, but sometimes we need to be more vocal about getting help. It really relieves you and perhaps your dad and brother too if they knew how much the help meant to you.

2) Dealing with your mom: I'm sorry about this by the way. She's your mom and watching her go through this monstrous illness must be...no words enough to describe it. Remember, it is not your fault. It is not her fault either. It is dementia's fault. It cannot be stopped, but we can change our outlook on it as best as we can. Which I know cannot be flipped around (of course), and I actually don't even know if the emotional aspect of this is getting to you that bad or not (I just imagine it must be).

3) Me time: After your brother and dad helps out, and the professional carer comes, I'd imagine much of your stress will be relieved. Before then, hang on there and be strong. You can treat yourself to things if possible. They're small but maybe they help you feel better. Go get something good for dinner, eat it while watching a good movie? Buy yourself new clothes? These are really small and kind of materialistic things, but I'm not sure if they help you feel more taken care of. Also, it helps to talk it out. Talk to your dad and brother? Lean on them for support?
 

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I found when I'm not feeling up to socialising I just have to force myself and afterwards I would always feel so much better. You need to arrange some more low key things with your friends, you don't need to drink... Just talk or watch a movie together or something.

As for the rest, I think everyone else's advice has been great. Keep at it. You're doing something amazing, I know you probably aren't receiving the gratitude you deserve from your family but I'm sure they are grateful for it.
 
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What I want to know is - not just from ENFP's, but from all types - what do you do to make yourself feel better?
Heh, as long as you don't try it, from all types, because it will hardly fit ...

To centre myself, I need three things, which are

1. No people
2. No people
and
3. No people.

People are exhausting, and eventually, it's too loud and too much and I can't even think anymore. (You would expect this, of course.)

What is nice, but not strictly needed, is a pleasant environment. In summer, a sunny patch of heather does the trick, where I can lie for an entire day, coming to rest -- sorting through everything that has happened, until finally, there's nothing to think about anymore, and all that is left is enjoying the present moment -- the clouds in the sky, the wind in my hair, the sun on my skin, the spicy smell of heather and juniper tickling my nose. Eventually, I may start to daydream, and at that point, I am one with myself again.

And as I know I need this, I consequently reserved two weeks of summer hols just for that. It gets me comfortably through the year, as long as I have some hours every day for myself (say, at breakfast, or before going to bed), where I don't have to respond, react, or do any other things people require.


For you, it sounds like you are giving too much and thinking of yourself too little. You might try learning to consider your own needs more -- which I don't doubt is easier said than done for you. But it's got nothing to do with egoism; you may like helping, but you can't do that if you are so burned out you need help yourself. Draw a few lines of things you will not do for others anymore, perhaps.

Edit: "But I've just come to terms with my "role" in the house." <-- Yes. Precisely that. That is something you might want to question -- you have your own life, or should have your own life. It's not fair to expect you to give up your life so that others can have theirs.

But this is just extrapolating, I have no experience, of course (if anything, I have the reverse problem).
 

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I get a measuring tape, find the center of the serface I stand on, and walk to it.

Jk

Anyway, tasteless jokes aside, I’ve been in a similar boat. My great grandmother, who was one of (if not) the closest extended family members I had, got taken by alzheimers. Around the same time another family member was fighting for their life against cancer. And just to add to it, another family member was in the hospital because of a work related injury and couldn’t work for over a week. So yeah, things got rough and that wasn’t even the last of it. Quite honestly, the only thing that got me and my family through that was our faith in God. I knew He was and is in control, I knew he loved each and every one of those relatives to bits, and I knew He wanted the very best for them. Because of that I had peace and hope. Plus I can name at least two good things that came of each and every struggle. So that’s how my fam made it through. We are going through another rough patch, and I have that same peace. It’s kinda crazy, but I wouldn’t have it any other way... the peace, not the rough patch. It’s not that crazy....
 

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Discussion Starter #11
1) Cleaning: if dad doesn't know how to clean, he needs to. You're both adults, and you are working full time. Does he work full time? Does he have time to allot to cleaning an hour or two per day? As a family, we should help each other out with whatever resources are available to us. In this case, time is the needed resource. Where does bro go out to? Is it work/school or just recreational? If recreational, he also needs to set aside time and help out. I see that you are very responsible, but sometimes we need to be more vocal about getting help. It really relieves you and perhaps your dad and brother too if they knew how much the help meant to you.

2) Dealing with your mom: I'm sorry about this by the way. She's your mom and watching her go through this monstrous illness must be...no words enough to describe it. Remember, it is not your fault. It is not her fault either. It is dementia's fault. It cannot be stopped, but we can change our outlook on it as best as we can. Which I know cannot be flipped around (of course), and I actually don't even know if the emotional aspect of this is getting to you that bad or not (I just imagine it must be).

3) Me time: After your brother and dad helps out, and the professional carer comes, I'd imagine much of your stress will be relieved. Before then, hang on there and be strong. You can treat yourself to things if possible. They're small but maybe they help you feel better. Go get something good for dinner, eat it while watching a good movie? Buy yourself new clothes? These are really small and kind of materialistic things, but I'm not sure if they help you feel more taken care of. Also, it helps to talk it out. Talk to your dad and brother? Lean on them for support?


The last few days my dad has actually been cleaning! It's probably something to do with Christmas and my older brother and sister coming round with their kids. But, I hope it stays like this. My brother is a 21 year old ENFP musician. In his mind, cleaning is LAST on the list. My god.. You should see his room.. It's literally like something from the TV show hoarders. You cannot even open the door properly. I came downstairs this morning and he had obviously got up at like 2am and eaten all sorts of xmas shit. There was open packets everywhere with food going stale, and he had left the freezer door open even though I have told him an innumerable amount of times how to shut it. It just does my head in? Lol, sorry - serious ranting.


Yes, I haven't even begun to try and emotionally get through my mums diagnosis. I am trying to be as pragmatic as possible by thinking "we are all going to bury our parents. It's just a matter of when". But obviously that isn't going to fix it. I know I'm not ready to face up to the true reality of it. All I can say is that I'm glad she's not going to have to watch me or her other kids die.

I don't think I could possibly lean on my brother or dad for emotional support. It would confuse the hell out of them lol. I mostly keep those feelings to myself...




I found when I'm not feeling up to socialising I just have to force myself and afterwards I would always feel so much better. You need to arrange some more low key things with your friends, you don't need to drink... Just talk or watch a movie together or something.

As for the rest, I think everyone else's advice has been great. Keep at it. You're doing something amazing, I know you probably aren't receiving the gratitude you deserve from your family but I'm sure they are grateful for it.
Thank you for this. I did go out in the end and got rather drunk :) I think it did help a lot with the deflated feeling I was experiencing. It's no way as strong as it was before. I guess this is when I really know I am an extrovert. I always feel like I am introverted as I love being alone, but how is it that I feel better from going out?! Very odd!!


Heh, as long as you don't try it, from all types, because it will hardly fit ...

To centre myself, I need three things, which are

1. No people
2. No people
and
3. No people.

People are exhausting, and eventually, it's too loud and too much and I can't even think anymore. (You would expect this, of course.)

What is nice, but not strictly needed, is a pleasant environment. In summer, a sunny patch of heather does the trick, where I can lie for an entire day, coming to rest -- sorting through everything that has happened, until finally, there's nothing to think about anymore, and all that is left is enjoying the present moment -- the clouds in the sky, the wind in my hair, the sun on my skin, the spicy smell of heather and juniper tickling my nose. Eventually, I may start to daydream, and at that point, I am one with myself again.

And as I know I need this, I consequently reserved two weeks of summer hols just for that. It gets me comfortably through the year, as long as I have some hours every day for myself (say, at breakfast, or before going to bed), where I don't have to respond, react, or do any other things people require.


For you, it sounds like you are giving too much and thinking of yourself too little. You might try learning to consider your own needs more -- which I don't doubt is easier said than done for you. But it's got nothing to do with egoism; you may like helping, but you can't do that if you are so burned out you need help yourself. Draw a few lines of things you will not do for others anymore, perhaps.

Edit: "But I've just come to terms with my "role" in the house." <-- Yes. Precisely that. That is something you might want to question -- you have your own life, or should have your own life. It's not fair to expect you to give up your life so that others can have theirs.

But this is just extrapolating, I have no experience, of course (if anything, I have the reverse problem).
Thank you for this message. Wow, that sounds perfect. I love being outside in the open air amongst nature! I guess I've almost forgot that I enjoy it. When I was at uni, I lived in the countryside. I remember those days, walking around the forests and empty back roads better than I remember days in the house doing god knows what. I have a pretty bad memory, but those times stick in my mind and I don't think they'll ever leave.

And yes, what you said about my "role" is pretty poignant. Sometimes I feel like my life *becomes* devoted to others. I think it's mostly driven by this deep seated feeling of guilt and anxiety I carry around with me. I am constantly trying to fix the situation by frantically tidying and cleaning. I need to realise that cleaning the house isn't going to reassemble the chaotic collapse of my family's structure. I've even been considering cutting down to part time at work until the carer is in place - once again putting my own life on hold so that others' can do as they want... It's fucking weird. But I feel like if I didn't do this, I will forever be plagued with guilt that I didn't help enough.

Though - xmas eve, I was putting my mum into bed after giving her a bath and doing her hair, and she said "I like you." Which made me laugh as it sounded so fragmented and childlike. I was like, yeah I like you too! She said "you help me." Just fucking bittersweet....
 

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Aww... I am so sorry you're going through this hon :( you're super strong for taking on all this responsibility and being a source of emotional support for your family!

What usually helps me a lot is keeping a generally healthy routine (sleeping a good amount, eating low amounts of sugar, etc) and exercising to music - that really helps you boost your endorphins and rationalize your thoughts, so you can manage your stress a LOT better. It's one of the easiest things my FiSe has been able to endorse throughout my life :) best of luck though, seriously!
 

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How do you center yourself?
With my two legs, though I hear your ears help you center yourself too as well.
 

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When I need to center I run or tackle a task which needs to be completed, then reward myself with either comfort food, rollerblading, treat myself to light pampering, and soak in a hot bath with a glass of wine with calm hipster music. And I go on per c
 

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Holy smokes, Organs, that's one hell of a load you're carrying.

Have you considered paying attention to your other family members? Really paying attention, like observing them, listening to them? You're all processing this differently and I can see how it is so easy to get caught up in your own head but I think that stepping outside yourself and connecting with your sibs and your dad might help you begin to process this stuff and then maybe you will find yourself beginning to center. Help each other process, prepare, and ultimately heal.

I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this. I can't think of much more difficult to endure witnessing than Alzheimer's / dementia.
 

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I try to look at reality. Not that thing people call reality. I mean the big picture, what's actually going on.

If that means I've screwed up I own it, try to correct it, try to not repeat. By correcting I don't mean trying to get approval. I genuinely apologize and if the other person still wants to be a dick that's on them.

Most of the time the problem is me not fitting into the "world" as the mob wants. That can be hard to deal with. But using logic, seeing things from their perspective, most times they just want me to be like them. Screw that. The more I practiced this the easier it was. Talking years.

In extreme cases, like divorce, I reinvent myself. For example, divorce #1 I was fine with until I learned I was looking at having to pay alimony. Kind of bummed me out because the biggest problem my wife had with me was I was working "too much". Seemed kind of unfair. So driving home I decided to speed up to 100 mph on the interstate and drive into an embankment. Seemed logical. While looking for a good embankment I thought about fishing at Great Bear Lake...as a kid it was my dream spot. Screw slamming into an embankment, I'll go fishing first. Can always kill myself later. It flipped a switch.

Just to complete the story...The day before I was due in court to be told how much I'd have to pay the company I was working at was on the news "massive layoffs". Phone rings, concerned dear wife. I already knew I still had my job "Yeah, looks like I'm losing my job...will probably have to go back to school...guess you'll have pay me alimony." Next day on the courthouse steps she settled for a coffee table, no alimony...done, goodbye. Life is good. Moral is, if you don't like the world, change it. It's only our perception that needs to be changed.

But I do realize it's much harder for many people. Brain chemicals can be a bitch.
 
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