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Feel free to skip straight to the black text. I used to hang out here a few years ago, but left for several reasons, and I haven’t been here in a long, long time, so if there’s a process of introducing myself that I’ve missed I’m really sorry (and feel free to point me anywhere I need to go). Not to mention, this is a terrible subject to come back with. I’ve been struggling with different aspects of INFP-ness (other people have been struggling with my INFP-ness), and I’ve just been going through the motions of dealing with it when I stumbled on an MBTI thing and remembered how much this place and the people here had helped me in the past.

Unfortunately, my grandmother passed away a few days ago. It was very much expected and as she had advanced dementia, everyone has a sense that the person we knew hadn’t been around for a while, and that it’s for the best in terms of quality of life. Still, death is a very final thing. This is the first time I’ve ever had to deal with a death properly before. I’ve had a family member pass when I was 13, but because of the unexpectedness and shock of it, the whole family had a lot to deal with, and my parents decided not to take me to the funeral as it would be too upsetting and confusing. Now I’m older, I realise the fact that everyone pretty much forgot I existed, and left me with my thoughts was the only reason I really coped.
On this occasion though, the family have a religious funeral service, a burial, and a wake being planned for a few weeks time. As an introvert, I feel like this is more of an extroverts coping mechanism, and I’ve no doubt it helps huge amounts of people. For me though, given the option, I’d pack a backpack and go walk up a mountain for a week, so I could just deal with it, with death as a general thing, and go through my thoughts/feelings of the person that’s passed. As immediate family, it isn’t an option, and I’m having panic attacks instead.

Do any other introverts/INFPs struggle with dealing with deep emotions in such a public way? If you aren’t religious, do you find it difficult when there’s an emphasis from others that’s God’s with you? How do you take the time afterwards to recharge and get back to you, without slipping into a kind of depressive state?
Thank you in advance if anyone decides to respond to this :)
 

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I know exactly what you mean. Once I heard the news of one of my loved ones passing, the shock got to me and I broke down in front of my dad but once I got myself together, I stopped showing emotions until I had properly coped with the death. It's still hard thinking about it but after I let go of him I finally accepted the gravity of my situation and the knowing feeling that no amount of wishing on stars or other private stuff would ever bring him back and I finally came to terms with his death. It's a slow and gradual process :) (plus, I'd rather people left me to my thoughts when occasions like that happen)
 

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Feel free to skip straight to the black text. I used to hang out here a few years ago, but left for several reasons, and I haven’t been here in a long, long time, so if there’s a process of introducing myself that I’ve missed I’m really sorry (and feel free to point me anywhere I need to go). Not to mention, this is a terrible subject to come back with. I’ve been struggling with different aspects of INFP-ness (other people have been struggling with my INFP-ness), and I’ve just been going through the motions of dealing with it when I stumbled on an MBTI thing and remembered how much this place and the people here had helped me in the past.

Unfortunately, my grandmother passed away a few days ago. It was very much expected and as she had advanced dementia, everyone has a sense that the person we knew hadn’t been around for a while, and that it’s for the best in terms of quality of life. Still, death is a very final thing. This is the first time I’ve ever had to deal with a death properly before. I’ve had a family member pass when I was 13, but because of the unexpectedness and shock of it, the whole family had a lot to deal with, and my parents decided not to take me to the funeral as it would be too upsetting and confusing. Now I’m older, I realise the fact that everyone pretty much forgot I existed, and left me with my thoughts was the only reason I really coped.
On this occasion though, the family have a religious funeral service, a burial, and a wake being planned for a few weeks time. As an introvert, I feel like this is more of an extroverts coping mechanism, and I’ve no doubt it helps huge amounts of people. For me though, given the option, I’d pack a backpack and go walk up a mountain for a week, so I could just deal with it, with death as a general thing, and go through my thoughts/feelings of the person that’s passed. As immediate family, it isn’t an option, and I’m having panic attacks instead.

Do any other introverts/INFPs struggle with dealing with deep emotions in such a public way? If you aren’t religious, do you find it difficult when there’s an emphasis from others that’s God’s with you? How do you take the time afterwards to recharge and get back to you, without slipping into a kind of depressive state?
Thank you in advance if anyone decides to respond to this :)
Hi, sorry about your loss even if it wasn't immediate family. I actually wonder, when I was six, my grandfather died and while I was sad, I just didn't cry. I didn't even cry at his funeral either, it make sense that everyone else was crying. It didn't feel necessary if that makes sense. Do you feel the same way too, or act similarly?
I'm not religious, and I don't know what lies after death. I hope that God is all powerful, but of course I end up thinking about how really we're just a bunch of chemical reactions pulling and pushing with nerves and you get my idea. BUT I do feel quite scared by death and respect God as a result. Arguably you can say that I fear him, which is true. It's more of a fear/respect thing.
Now I'm going on a tangent.
Mmmmm.

***trigger warning suicide***

I don't know if this is similar, but when my brother tried to commit suicide (try number seven in one week), I just lost it when everyone went to the hospital with him. I just sobbed in the shower, but it was probably due to me being so upset because of the previous attempts. After a while I calmed down enough to clean up his puke after he had thrown up due to the amount of aspirin he took (OD).
All in all, I would say, you're an introvert. You deal with things differently just as much as the ISFP cousin or ENTJ divorced and super rich ex-wife of the uncle that's been twice removed. You're only human, so take the time you need to retreat. It's natural, really.
Sorry if I answered horribly haha.
 

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I find increasingly that I'm not expressive in my sadness nor do I necessarily feel sad upon such news until the funeral where the atmosphere of things overwhelms me.
I suppose I've always been a sap at funerals, even for people I didn't know.
I don't have a closeness to God through it, rather a clear depiction of what loss is like with thoughts of how one can't interact with that person anymore and a reflection of their life.
I suppose I've just been to so many funerals as a child and through out my life that by now I can accept the death of people, its a reality that I must confront. So I let what ever emotions occur to wash over me, but it's perhaps been a while since someone really close to me has died.
 

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Hi autumnmariegrey, I'm so sorry about your loss. I hope you're doing alright. I lost my aunt this summer, and I have to say that when I read your post the similarities between how you cope with funerals and how I do the same are striking... I think you're absolutely right, that they are very much an extrovert-geared practice. And though my aunt passed from cancer, which, likewise was expected for quite a while, and something that we all had several years to process, I found that I didn't quite handle the grieving process the same way as the rest of my family did- in fact, I'm still not sure I handled it at all. The whole gather-and-plan element really stressed me out, and within a day or two (it didn't help that this happened immediately after a family vacation where nine of us lived in a cabin together for a week) I was out of energy and my parents agreed that I should sit out a couple elements of planning. That left me home alone for a few days, to stress about everything I could possibly think about. To top it off, I had already been diagnosed with generalized anxiety and depression which had been worsening steadily up to that point- after keeping everything to myself for the vacation and half a week of grieving, I broke down and had a full-fledged panic attack sitting in my car in the driveway. I was dreading returning to the extrovert-level planning so much that I wound myself up about it and finally snapped. But I find that that is the core of the problem- for me, between Ne and anxiety, I work myself up about things, and anticipate that something will be far worse than it actually turns out to be. I get overwhelmed at funerals, wakes, religious/memorial/burial services, etc... in the same way that wellsy referred to- but I make it through them.

Nevertheless, to me, the truest, most important element of grieving is celebrating the life that we lived with our loved ones- and so I have to admit, as much as the rest stressed me out, sitting at my uncle's dining room table and listening to everyone laugh and share stories while we looked through old photos... that part, that moment, was good. So, despite the struggle to deal with those emotions in a public setting, I do find that there are some moments sprinkled in- the smaller ones, just with family- that make the difficulty worthwhile. (And really, I think that's a good way to approach not only funerals, but life as a whole. See and seek the good things among the bad, that make the bad worth dealing with.)

I am religious, so the assurance that God is indeed with us was comforting to me- that no matter how much I struggled with this it was good, because I truly believe that my aunt is in a better place, a place with no pain, no cancer, no dementia, no injuries or mental illness, anxiety, or sadness... only love and peace and hope. And I know it feels like it does have a lot of finality to it, but I think that holding onto the thought that I'll see her again one day is what helps me to get through the whole thing.

Another thing that really helped though, was my friends. I spent the first four days without telling my friends what had happened. I went from planning with over a dozen people, minimum, to sitting by myself, and back, multiple times. And after the panic attack, as soon as I finally worked up the courage to text them and let them know(afraid I would be bothering them) I immediately got a phone call from one, and two asked if I wanted to go do something to get away from the chaos for a bit. As much as our lives have been busy, my friends were still there to provide whatever I needed at that time, whether it was time to myself, 1-on-1 conversation over smoothies, or a reassuring hug. I think that's an equally important part of getting back to yourself and staying out of that depressive zone; find the people who are trying to support you in this way. It doesn't have to be a friend, it can be a sibling, a parent, a child, significant other or whomever. They are the same people you support in these ways when they go through difficult times. Whomever it is, they'll be able to provide you with support in whatever form you need- you just have to seek them out.
 

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I'm sorry. My grandma passed away about eight years ago and I still cry sometimes.

I have sort of a weird thing about funerals though--I actually tend to feel lighter during them because people are focusing on important things instead of the stupid stuff we always focus on. I feel that funerals are times when family gets together to appreciate life, but it could also be the culture of my family and that is how we tend to approach funerals. We are very spread apart and sometimes it's funerals that bring us together (with family members we may never have met or last saw over a decade ago). So funerals are similar to weddings to me, they are milestones to celebrate life and the time we have with each other.

I don't really express many sad emotions around other people though. I might appear unemotional at funerals because I just don't grieve around others like that.

I did lots of other things to deal with her death. I dreamed about her for years. I picked rose petals from her garden and made them into beads before her house was sold. One of my favorite dreams about her, she was sitting in a garden peacefully, though she didn't remember me.

I don't really know how to show a lot of emotion. I remember when my dog died and I had to call my boyfriend at the time back, and apparently he said he had no idea that anything had happened because I had no tone in my voice. I don't think I could bring myself to even say that it had happened so I just said something like, "Something has come up." And then I had panic attacks and cried for days alone. I randomly broke down crying during art and creative writing, when my thoughts would go towards my dog. I dreamed about my dog for years and started to celebrate "the Day of the Dead." But I didn't want to be around my boyfriend at all when grieving...or anyone.

I also tend to have a sort of "emergency response" where I will disregard my own emotions if there is a lot of distress around me. So if others are crying I do not always join in, but rather try to "hold down the fort" which in a funeral is nothing more than something very strange, but in a real emergency it's putting feelings aside to like nurse the baby bird or do whatever needs to be done.
I think I have the same sort of reaction during funeral where I'm like, "I must somehow rectify this...make this situation good." I almost turn into the priest at the funeral, though I have some odd spiritual beliefs so I just keep them to myself (but my mind is on metaphysical things and away from emotions). Then, when I'm alone or away from the situation, I get buried by my own emotions while others are sort of "over it." I don't avoid slipping into a depressive state, though it's easier to appear to avoid around other people. I just have to go through the process, even if it seems to take longer or look different than for others.

But I'm sorry about your grandmother. She sounds like she was special to you. I hope you do get to go backpacking to remember her, if that's what feels like it will help and be right for the situation. I think backpacking would be a great way to remember and honor your grandmother and how important she is to you. So, I think I can identify with what you are saying--it is usually in private when I will experience the sharper grief and sometimes honoring someone personally will be more meaningful than attending a funeral.

And also--I feel weird that I'm talking so much about myself, but I was just thinking of my grandmother recently. I think it can take a long time to cope with the loss of someone and the process might take many forms. So, again--I hope you can find some respite soon...it sounds like backpacking might be helpful to you.
 

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I'm generally careful about showing my emotions in public, so I didn't cry at my grandpa's funeral even though I was sad. My sister who's an extrovert even commented on it, and I could tell that she thought I was being cold hearted, that I didn't care enough. But that's just how I am. If I'm sad, I'd rather cry alone than let such emotions out in public.
 

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In funerals of closer and less close people I pretty much always cry. Although at first it feels uncomfortable showing this side of me, when I'm uncomfortable showing NAY emotions to ma family, when the funeral atmosphere surrounds me, I just break down. The the passed away person isn't that close to me, I cry because of the sorrow around. I cry because I see my grandparents in pain, I see other's in pain and going through it. I just can't help, but tear up. Sometimes I feel like other's see me as weird, crying over someone that I knew but was barely close with, but why the hell not.... doesn't make me a bad person. If anything, I connect more to others.

If you have easier time coping with it alone, that's completely normal too. But your parents might want you there, selfishly, but for themselves. Because they need their family in such an upsetting event, so you ca help each other get through it.
 

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AutumnMarieGrey said:
For me though, given the option, I’d pack a backpack and go walk up a mountain for a week, so I could just deal with it, with death as a general thing, and go through my thoughts/feelings of the person that’s passed. As immediate family, it isn’t an option, and I’m having panic attacks instead.
Of course it is an option. You are not an extra!


Phyllis Palgi and Henry Abramovitch, Death: A Cross-Cultural Perspective, Annual Review of Anthropology, Vol. 13 (1984), pp. 385-417

Direction: Rituals and Family Strength
 

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I am SO uncomfortable with strong emotions in such a public place. I hate crying in front of people, but I can't help it at funerals especially if it was someone who meant a lot to me. My grandma just recently died suddenly too and there were points before the actual service where I went for walks by myself around the little town we were in because I couldn't stand being around so many people while feeling such strong emotions anymore.
 

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I don't cry- or haven't yet. Look of sorrow? Yes. Silence and stillness. But no tears. I feel heartless. But I feel like I have to force myself to. The only time I cried at a funeral, was when a good friend at the times' dad died. I cried for him and how sorry I was for him. That was real. I never understood it, since I am a heart type & sensitive, you'd think I would be blubbering, but it's more silent, somber, dark, reflective grief.
 

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Didn't attend my grandmother's one. Didn't have a strong enough bond to do so. Only felt something watching my dad cry in the kitchen secretly attempting to come to grips with it the day after he found out.

Didn't attend my best friend's one either.. well not exactly... Open casket. My other best friend was telling me texting me updates the whole time. Couldn't look at her like that. Didn't want to be around others. I'd already watched her die...I'd already cried that night till I was only a heap on the floor of my other best friend's room. Funny thing is I wandered nearby the location of the wake for hours, all day long in fact. And when I eventually went to the house after they'd moved her after I could be sure most of the mourners had left, I sat in her room and cracked jokes like a loon... completely inappropriate to the occasion. I don't understand that even now.

Does occur to me how I function is I have this deluge wash out of me and then for a while after I feel nothing at all. Drought. I wish I could just skip the exhaustion of emotion. Hit drought mode instantly. I wouldn't care if it looked absolutely psychopathic. It's such a relief physically when I run dry.
 

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I have this friend, whom I've known since I was 4 years old. So I know her family too since we used to have sleep-overs as kids and we went to school together from elementary school to high school. Our parents are friends together too. Her parents are great, such nice nice people. My friend is really a sweetheart, we've been through so much together.

And now, her father and grandfather died in an accident. I am shocked, I mean I'm so so sorry for her, can't realize it at all. I called her right away and started crying too. I tend to get so emotional, feeling her pain with every cell of my body. I can't deal with the world being so unfair. I think losing someone you love is the most excruciating pain there is, I just wish I could take her pain away :crying:
 

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The religious thing is something I approach with a "smile and nod" attitude at funerals. It's really the essence of it that counts, and it's a coping mechanism that other people find solace in.

I had the opposite problem at my grandfather's funeral a few years ago concerning emotions, though. I didn't cry until my father's voice started cracking halfway through his short speech, and then my sister started trying to calm me down and she was crying and that only made it worse. When we moved to the cemetery, after awhile my grandmother was crying so hard that she requested my father wheel her a little ways off in her wheelchair. Just no calming down at that point.

I dealt with my actual, personal feelings concerning my grandfather both before and after the funeral. Seeing everyone gathered in a stately building and talking about him just made it seem surreal, so I don't blame you for wanting privacy. I wasn't really crying about my grandfather at his funeral, I was crying because everyone around me was crying or because I felt like I was disturbing them by crying.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Thank you, all of you, so much for writing your own personal experiences about things, and the people that mean so much to you.
@thenotsobadwolf
I think thats’s a large part of it - if you spend any amount of time thinking about things, they seem to get bigger in your head. Most of the panic attacks I’ve been having are more about having panic attacks later on, when I'll be less able to keep control of my emotions...which feels a bit silly really :)
Another thing that really helped though, was my friends. I spent the first four days without telling my friends what had happened. I went from planning with over a dozen people, minimum, to sitting by myself, and back, multiple times.
Simply after having written my post earlier, something seemed a little lighter on me. I’ve done exactly the same thing, dealing with it when I need to and then ending up on my own for hours, or in the company of people who I’m not telling. It’s like you’re brains coping mechanism is about trying to make a place where nothing’s happened there, and everything’s as it was, and you don’t have to do that.
And also--I feel weird that I'm talking so much about myself, but I was just thinking of my grandmother recently. I think it can take a long time to cope with the loss of someone and the process might take many forms. So, again--I hope you can find some respite soon...it sounds like backpacking might be helpful to you.
I worried about that when I posted this :) It’s really helpful hearing others experiences and feelings though, and how they remember people in such a way that’s specific to them. It says something about them and their loved one in a way, like with your grandmother and her roses (this is a sentiment I completely get by the way.) Thank you so much for your post, it felt so familiar and reassuring :)

Of course it is an option. You are not an extra!
I am SO uncomfortable with strong emotions in such a public place. I hate crying in front of people, but I can't help it at funerals especially if it was someone who meant a lot to me. My grandma just recently died suddenly too and there were points before the actual service where I went for walks by myself around the little town we were in because I couldn't stand being around so many people while feeling such strong emotions anymore.
I dealt with my actual, personal feelings concerning my grandfather both before and after the funeral. Seeing everyone gathered in a stately building and talking about him just made it seem surreal, so I don't blame you for wanting privacy. I wasn't really crying about my grandfather at his funeral, I was crying because everyone around me was crying or because I felt like I was disturbing them by crying.


I’ve come to realise this over the last few days. That particular side of the family is very traditional, and there’s a lot of expectations, but listening to conversations, it seems less about mourning someone, which feels important to me, and more about doing the ‘done thing’ and keeping up appearances. That’s a big part of what I’ve been finding difficult, because it doesn’t make any sense to me. I need to deal with this big emotional thing, in the way I need to do that, and worry a little less about who’s offended if I take my leave for five minutes.
And I’m gonna make sure I pencil in my mountain walk :)
 

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Feel free to skip straight to the black text. I used to hang out here a few years ago, but left for several reasons, and I haven’t been here in a long, long time, so if there’s a process of introducing myself that I’ve missed I’m really sorry (and feel free to point me anywhere I need to go). Not to mention, this is a terrible subject to come back with. I’ve been struggling with different aspects of INFP-ness (other people have been struggling with my INFP-ness), and I’ve just been going through the motions of dealing with it when I stumbled on an MBTI thing and remembered how much this place and the people here had helped me in the past.

Unfortunately, my grandmother passed away a few days ago. It was very much expected and as she had advanced dementia, everyone has a sense that the person we knew hadn’t been around for a while, and that it’s for the best in terms of quality of life. Still, death is a very final thing. This is the first time I’ve ever had to deal with a death properly before. I’ve had a family member pass when I was 13, but because of the unexpectedness and shock of it, the whole family had a lot to deal with, and my parents decided not to take me to the funeral as it would be too upsetting and confusing. Now I’m older, I realise the fact that everyone pretty much forgot I existed, and left me with my thoughts was the only reason I really coped.
On this occasion though, the family have a religious funeral service, a burial, and a wake being planned for a few weeks time. As an introvert, I feel like this is more of an extroverts coping mechanism, and I’ve no doubt it helps huge amounts of people. For me though, given the option, I’d pack a backpack and go walk up a mountain for a week, so I could just deal with it, with death as a general thing, and go through my thoughts/feelings of the person that’s passed. As immediate family, it isn’t an option, and I’m having panic attacks instead.

Do any other introverts/INFPs struggle with dealing with deep emotions in such a public way? If you aren’t religious, do you find it difficult when there’s an emphasis from others that’s God’s with you? How do you take the time afterwards to recharge and get back to you, without slipping into a kind of depressive state?
Thank you in advance if anyone decides to respond to this :)
So when I went off to college in another state, my second semester my grandfather passed away. He was the only grandfather I had, as both of my mom's parents died when she was very young (gave a profound respect for my mother).

When the phone call came from my dad, he was clearly upset. He and the EMT that came to the house tried CPR for over an hour (the EMT knows our family fairly well). The EMT made my dad stop and go outside because he could see the pain in his eyes. Anyway, my dad called me and told me this news, but it never really hit me. My dad got a flight back home and I had to stop my education for a week basically.

My roommate at the time asked me if I was okay, and I for the most part I was. Then later he walked in on me crying a little bit. I held it in. I bottled it up and moved on. Luckily, my girlfriend at the time let me stay at her place and she was going to take me to the airport in the morning. That night, laying in bed with her, I just broke down. I am so glad to this day that she was there. I cried for over an hour and told her stories about my grandpa that she would never be able to meet. That alone helped me deal with the funeral. So I would say find a good friend and just cry it out. It's hard to deal with that kind of emotion around others and you just need to get away and let it out.

During the funeral, I kept hearing everyone talk about "He's with god now" etc. and all I could think was "NO! He's not in a better place, he's gone. I love him and he's gone." But I held it in as best I could and stuck to business. Later that night, I dealt with it my own way. I wrote down all the things I wish I could have said to him and talked to him about. Then, I burned it.

The hard part was when the family spread his ashes on the farm. I had to watch my dad give a speech, crying. Watching your father cry is the hardest thing to do.

My advice, is to find someone you know and talk it out and sort out all of your emotions. Also, don't let others tell you what to believe! :) I'm so thankful that my ex was there to hold me while I let it out.

... I get fairly personal on this site. lol
 
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