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Hello, everyone! Lately, I haven't been having very good days. I feel like I'm bugging everyone, and the people I'm not bugging I feel like they don't realize I exist.

People daily ask where I went when I'm sitting across from them at a table. Other than that, all my friends don't really seem to care if I'm around. This morning I tried talking to some friends. I just walked up to them and said hello and asked how they were and they didn't even respond. Then at lunch the friends I sit with at lunch everyday just sat in a completely different place and didn't invite me. I asked a friend if I could sit with her and her friends instead. She was very nice and said yes. We talked a lot. But she said she was feeling claustrophobic because there were too many people there. There was only one extra person there than there usually are - me. I felt really bad and just wanted to leave so she wouldn't feel that way. I wished I could've sat with another friend group. They always include me, but in that group is my ex boyfriend. We're on good terms now and have started over, promising to take things slow and be friends. So I didn't want to make him feel like I was intruding and going too fast. A friend's boyfriend in class was rude to me, wouldn't talk to me. I could tell he found me annoying, even though I didn't really do anything but say hi and discuss answers in a group with him. He and his friend just took the answers I found in the thing we all were supposed to read and talked with each other and ignored me.

I've had similar situations this entire week. I just feel so in the way, like I don't want to exist anymore. I don't blame everyone for counting me out. I'm quiet, awkward and if I was them I'd rather talk to someone who was more talkative and exciting too. But.. I just wish it didn't have to be this way. Is there even a way to prevent this from happening?
 
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You're pretty young - I suppose, cause you explained some school activities. It seems you are trying to fit in to some groups when having lunch. It's ok, only until that point where you stop being yourself. ISFJs (I suppose I am an ISFJ, too) have sort of social issues often, but the most important thing is that you try to be yourself, and not to think on what others might think of you and your actions..
You are paying way too much attention on what your claustrophobic girlfriend said. You can't read people's minds. Maybe she said that because of some other reasons, not because of you. Elsewhere, you are paying too much attention on what others think. Just be yourself. That doesn't mean that you stop now immediatly thinking of what are others thinking about you and you actions, but just reduce those thoughts, try not to overthinkg too much...
And about those persons who didn't reply hello to you, well that's definetely not your problems. That showes that they are rude, impolite or that they don't like you. Anyway, that's not your problem. People will not like you and you'll have to accept that. No matter how we try to be good with everyone, there will always be someone who will not like us. I know ISFJs have that tendency to be "introverted social butterflies", but that's wrong. We must learn how to deal with the fact that there is or that there are some persons that don't like us, that finds us annoying, etc.
 

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I'm of a similar thought. People are occupied with their own worries and can have their focus somewhere else, what I expect from the dialogue and should I mistakenly applying my own fear or doubt when that expectation is not met, leads on a road to nowhere. Learning that it is not entirely up to me to establish a connection between me and a person was rather embarrassing, as it should be rather intuitive and evident fact.

When it comes to group hierarchy, it's more complex. I'm rather hesitant to comment any further, however as "no man's an island", it's rather natural to seek your place within the group. It is rather unfair, if more domineering person sees this a source of a potential conflict. Again, it's not your fault and conflict might be unavoidable. One of the lessons I've also had to learn is that it's fine to avoid conflict, it's less fine to be scared of it.

Life does get better as you grow older. I was different when I was still in school, I can tell that a lot of things you might obsess or needlessly worry at the moment, probably wont matter as you'll go on and assume other roles in life. I find perseverance and patience to be the best virtues in this.
 

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Go sit with your ex-boyfriend’s group. If they welcome and always include you, you’ll feel more comfortable / safer / wanted there.

Right now you’re just feeling vulnerable and reading stuff into other people’s behavior. It’s an easy thing to do, but your perception of what is going on may not be the truth. Inferior Ne really likes to mess with us ISFJs – and conjure up bad things where non exist.

Some of these people were, unfortunately, rude to you if what you say happened is true; but I also know that we ISFJs are a bit shy and not very bold when it comes to asserting ourselves, so we can hold back and then feel rejected because others do not talk to us, but they may not talk to us because we are putting up a “cold wall” front.

Regarding the girl who said she was claustrophobic – if she was “very nice,” she would not have intentionally said anything to make you feel unwanted. I suspect she was referring to the noise and activity in the room itself, and she might have said the exact same thing had you not been sitting there.

Either way, it’s okay. You’re not as hated as you think. This is just … high school, and kids are unpredictable.
 

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I agree with angelcat's observations and suggestions. I think we ISFJ's tend to sabotage our own feelings much of the time by reading way too much into things. We're very good at picking up cues as to how a person is feeling, but tend to assume that it's "our fault" when it could be a whole range of causes as to why they are feeling that way. I felt like I was in the way numerous times in high school, but looking back I realize it was my own flawed perception making me feel that and not reality at all.

It doesn't sound to me as if "everyone" counts you out, not by a long shot. Keep sitting with the groups that have welcomed you. It sounds like you have current friends and those with friend potential out there, focus on spending time with them and getting to know them. You'll find your niche =)
 

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I ran across an old box of stuff the other day, that contained a draft of a letter I was writing to my pen pal. Makes me cringe now, but it amounted to something similar to what the OP is describing -- feeling left out and unwanted.

In my case, I can remember the incident clearly -- I had gone somewhere with two other girls in the back of a church van. There were two bucket seats and a longer seat for three people in the back. I asked the other girls to sit with me on the seat, so none of us would have to sit alone / feel left out because of the two foot gap to the bucket seats. I assumed they listened to me and would sit with me, so I got in first -- and they took the bucket seats. I felt rejected and sulked rather than getting over it and leaning forward to talk to them. THEN I was upset because I thought they didn't like me, because they didn't seem to notice or care that I wasn't engaging in the conversation.

As an adult, I can see where on their part, my behavior might have looked distant and / leave me alone /. But from my point of view, it was Rejection #1 -- no one sits with me or listens to me, and Rejection #2 -- no one asks me if I'm upset / tries to talk to me if I'm uncharacteristically quiet.

Oh, the things we do to ourselves. The emotional angst we put ourselves through. And the worst of it is, even as a thirty-one year old woman, there's still that insecure little girl inside who wonders, if she is uncharacteristically quiet, why people ignore me. It's because my silence is an invitation to be ignored.

But yes, returning to the OP: be careful about reading too much into things -- and I say that as someone who does it constantly, works herself up into a heightened emotional state, and then has to talk herself back down rather than just assuming people were having a bad day rather than assuming I did something wrong.
 

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But yes, returning to the OP: be careful about reading too much into things -- and I say that as someone who does it constantly, works herself up into a heightened emotional state, and then has to talk herself back down rather than just assuming people were having a bad day rather than assuming I did something wrong.
My worst feeling is when I feel I am useless to someone. I do the same thing, I need to talk myself back down from a emotional state, and try to find reason behind what other people do.

I never had the need to fit in. I love it when i do, but I just never really thought it was a huge deal. I suppose it gets better with age =].
 

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My worst feeling is when I feel I am useless to someone. I do the same thing, I need to talk myself back down from a emotional state, and try to find reason behind what other people do.
That's the blessing and the curse of our fairly strong Ti -- we can't just accept how people ARE, we want to know WHY they act the way they do.

BTW, @johnson.han.3, I've been learning more about Enneagram this week, and my first thought reading that statement was "... this person is a 2w3." Wants to serve / be useful and needed. Lovely Enneagram type! I think I have a 2w3 too, but mine is somewhat beaten down by my hyperactive 6. :p
 

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Interaction with others is such a slippery slope sometimes. It seems no matter how sensitive you are to others, they don't respond with sensitivity back. You can't deal with others while looking in a mirror, so you probably don't realize what your expressions say to others when you're feeling low. If you're caught in this kind of negative spiral, you have to do something differently. Einstein is credited with the saying, "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Everyone does their own dance, and plays a role based on how they perceive a situation to be. The problem is perceptions are not always what they appear. Mindset is everything when dealing with others. If your phone rings and you're upset when you answer, the other person can often pick up on that mindset, even though it has nothing to do with them. They then react to the perceived emotion. If you force yourself to smile before answering the phone, you literally sound differently to the other person even if your mood hasn't changed a bit. If you sound differently, you are perceived differently. @Mynixi, I think this may have played a part in the way your friends reacted at the lunch table. Sometimes you really have to "fake it until you make it." Put a smile on your face and greet others with enthusiasm, even if you don't feel like it. After all, you're doing it for them when you project a more positive outlook. You'll be surprised just how differently you are received. Like a boomerang, the positivity you exude comes back to you. After a while, you no longer have to force the smile because the positive reinforcement you get from others will prod you to do so without thinking. While doing that may seem "fake" at first, it won't feel that way for long. It won't hurt to give it a try. After all, you already feel like you're bugging people and don't like it. Try something different and see if it doesn't make a difference. My guess is that it will. I've seen it happen before.
 

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I tend to become suicidal and then I eat a ton of ice cream until I am too stuffed to even care.
 

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@cheapsunglasses I decided a few years ago to treat people I was nervous about meeting as if they were already a friend. It's a conscious decidion to get myself into another mindset from the start. This approach is a bit of the "fake it till you make it" but it really does work. Self-esteem begins in our own heads and our own perception, what you put out to the world definitely gets reflected back. This advice is so simple, and so true, thank you for pointing this out to @Mynixi.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Thank you to everyone who replied.

There's one thing I want to clarify/touch up on. I cannot choose how I feel or how to look like I feel a certain way. I can sometimes talk myself out of things like "Okay, this is just all in your head. Breathe." But if I'm upset about something, I'm not very good at pretending I'm not even if to make others feel differently about me.

And I didn't think my friend was wanting to make me leave by saying she was claustrophobic. It's just the fact that she did feel claustrophobic that made me want to leave - I didn't want to cause anything like that to anybody, even if she wanted me there.
 

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@Mynixi

:happy: I truly do understand how sensitive someone can be. I am also quite sensitive. Of course you can't choose how you feel. I think you might have missed the point. No one can really control how they feel, but you can choose how you allow others to be affected by it. In turn, they respond differently. The grocery checker can't choose how she feels, but she will still smile at you, be pleasant, and ask how you are as she scans your groceries. She's trained to do that. You respond differently to her, because she does. When you call the doctor's office for an appointment, the person on the other end of the phone is also trained to act pleasantly towards you. It's good business to help the customer feel more positive about the business. It's proven to make a difference. The same kind of techniques can be used in interpersonal relationships, especially if you need to change something to a more positive tone.

I've had similar situations this entire week. I just feel so in the way, like I don't want to exist anymore. I don't blame everyone for counting me out. I'm quiet, awkward and if I was them I'd rather talk to someone who was more talkative and exciting too. But.. I just wish it didn't have to be this way. Is there even a way to prevent this from happening?
This is negative self talk. It is not healthy. If you want things to be different, you have to do something differently. If you can't find it in yourself to force a smile and change your expression, please do try to do something different. If you continue to do the same things, you'll get the same response. There is a way, but you have to do it. No one can do it for you.
 

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Oh, the things we do to ourselves. The emotional angst we put ourselves through. And the worst of it is, even as a thirty-one year old woman, there's still that insecure little girl inside who wonders, if she is uncharacteristically quiet, why people ignore me. It's because my silence is an invitation to be ignored.
Hey! ...Just wanted to add that I am a thirty-one year old female ISFJ too... :)
 
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