Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 27 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,797 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I can never seem to get close to anyone no matter what. I try to push the feeling of being lonely away but sometimes it sneaks up on me. Lately I've been feeling it a lot and I'm just pushing everyone away accidentally. I'm extremely passive aggressive and I just feel like I can't deal with anything. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm wasting away..

Help?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,009 Posts
On the same boat. Haven't found a cure yet, and I just sedate myself with technology/ internet/ books..not a good thing. I should be socializing with others and trying to be 'unlonely' but damnitt I can't get out the door and just do that!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
484 Posts
I try to preoccupy my mind on other things but not entirely ignoring the problem. Feeling lonely is a result of feeling inadequate in some way or another, which is silly IMO because nobody is inadequate. Unless your name is Barack Obama, I would have nothing to worry about.

Personally, I actually prefer being alone over being around people but I suppose that is a different issue.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,797 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
I try to preoccupy my mind on other things but not entirely ignoring the problem. Feeling lonely is a result of feeling inadequate in some way or another, which is silly IMO because nobody is inadequate. Unless your name is Barack Obama, I would have nothing to worry about.

Personally, I actually prefer being alone over being around people but I suppose that is a different issue.
I would also think that feeling inadequate and knowing that inadequacy is not a legitimate issue are two separate things.

I prefer being alone too. But when I do come out my cave it would be nice to find people to connect to.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,245 Posts
I would also think that feeling inadequate and knowing that inadequacy is not a legitimate issue are two separate things.

I prefer being alone too. But when I do come out my cave it would be nice to find people to connect to.
I had hoped we would remain sociable on here as someone that relates to what you describe, yet like others I can appreciate the law of choices and freedom we must each experience in order to remain true to the person we are right now versus the person we wish to become in the future.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
290 Posts
If you're not very social and you condemn yourself, that is bad. Stop it. Just accept yourself as you are. The pain does not stop until you stop condemning yourself.

If you're not very social, like yourself and want to be with others, you might just take some risks to get to know others. See how they react, if they're not aggressive and overbearing. If they pass, continue. If they fail, show signs to get them to go away- cold shoulder, avoiding them, telling them you're not interested, disapproving facial expression, sighing when they come around, etc.

In socializing, you will meet good and bad people. Keep the good and let the bad know they are not welcome. That's the price you pay for wanting to be with others. You may meet some bad people along the way. But would you rather just not try at all and have no one?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,049 Posts
Depends on the finer points of the issue. Loneliness can be complex. For me, it's usually due to one of two things:

1) I don't mesh well with others.
2) I've walled myself off or isolated myself.

The "solutions" are either to make more effort to reach out and find the right people, or to go back to the people I love too much to ever wall out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,602 Posts
I try to surround myself with pleasant people, by being pleasant myself to attract such people. It does help a lot for me, so why not give it a try?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
769 Posts
I turn to family at that time. Helps. Loneliness is like a soul cancer. The best relief is to accept yourself and accept the fact that we born alone and die alone at this world. There is no person with whom you can 100% click with and feel adequete to. Approximation of this state is the best that you can get (if you are lucky).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
43 Posts
^i agree with the above poster

Anyway just do what you like to do.
Like to read books? Do it. Like flying helicopters? Do it. Like to read poetry? Do it. What ever make you feel happier, just do it. That should make you forget all about being lonely. Give yourself more time for the things you like.

If you want to get close to someone, find someone with similar interests, and remember to smile. Smiling creates an atmosphere of familiarity, and its friendly. The other person will most likely smile back.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,797 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
I turn to family at that time. Helps. Loneliness is like a soul cancer. The best relief is to accept yourself and accept the fact that we born alone and die alone at this world. There is no person with whom you can 100% click with and feel adequete to. Approximation of this state is the best that you can get (if you are lucky).
I haven't heard anything more true in my life. I guess it's the sad matter of the fact.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
524 Posts
I hear you, I build my own walls and then complain that they are to high
I've never seen it put so well into words.

On topic: I know how you feel. I have a bad habit of keeping people I know at a distance, because I can't get myself to trust them. Whenever I feel like I'm getting too close to a person I try and break all ties I have with them. It's a sort of defense mechanism that I've had since certain early childhood events.

Like you, I don't know exactly how I'll deal with this. I don't want to live the rest of my life this way, but then again it's been so long that I can't imagine being any different. I've gotten so used to pushing people away that I've started to embrace it as part of who I am. It's made me much more strong-minded than I used to be, in the sense that it forced me to overcome things on my own. It taught me how to rely on myself. I feel like I could accomplish anything I desire without anyone's help. And it's true to an extent.

I've even built an "insensitive" persona around myself. This way I can still make friendships without people trying to get to my true feelings ("what is there to even get to?"). It's amusing in a way, because I feel like I'm playing a game with the rest of the world.


But this is about you, not me, and I can't pretend to know exactly what you're going through. I can however give you this advice: you need to take the initiative and try to build new friendships yourself. No matter how improbable you might think it is, you will eventually come across someone who can see through you, and if there's any way to break out of this bitter feeling it's by getting yourself to trust them. I know it's hard because I'm struggling with this myself. More importantly, never take your friends for granted. They care about you more than you think, and you can never realize their true value until you lose them. Try not to learn that the hard way.


I also see that you're an INTJ. Listen, if there's one thing we're good at, it's understanding what we are and why we do certain things. You can fix your problem with your own judgement better than with any advice you'll get. Just go for what feels right.

Good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,734 Posts
Loneliness for me is one stage of a neverending cycle, which I explain down below.
I realized a few years ago that my strategy with loneliness had always been to distract myself with books, internet, etc. But loneliness never went away; I did everything that made me happy, I had/have great self love and I loooove my own company, but the real problem was I was truly disconnected (from the heart center of my being) from other forms of human existence. Doing everything that I loved wasn't enough to "cure me" because, hell! I've been doing what I love 24/7 for 30 years, that's plenty of time invested in self love. I also needed to love another human.
Once I realized that what I needed to do was to engage with other human beings in the flesh and connect, I made a vow to go out and do exactly that. Except... I have never ever connected. Those who say "You need to get your ass out there, find people and get talking, laughing, etc" that's where they err. I have done exactly that for years, and the missing ingredient is connection. I haven't found it with anybody. It's possible that I simply haven't found "the right people", but I really have no control over what type of people I encounter, nobody does. I go to lgbtq events on a yearly basis, after periods of feeling lonely, and I leave the events feeling completely heartbroken. I've joined gyms, different classes that interest me, I went to uni for a few years, I've traveled many times through Europe... the list of all the different people I've met is endless, and also there's never been anything deep going on between us.

I haven't found a way to cure my loneliness forever, it comes and goes like the waves of the ocean.
The cycle goes like this:

(1) Loneliness kicks in..
(2) I make a list of people I can call and hang out with, plus activities I can do in busy and crowded places.
(3) Call those people (who almost never want to hang out, they are obsessed with their boyfriends or girlfriends, and it's always an ordeal to meet up with them, which fuels the sense of schism between me and ohers)
(4) Manage to at least hang out with my sister and/or somebody who is available.
(5) Find no meaning in the exchange of energy/ideas, I am reminded again that socializing is overrated.
(6) Isolate myself, with the feeling of loneliness gone, and a renewed emphasis on "I'm alone in the world and being alone is wonderful"
(7) After a couple of months of complete isolation, I start wondering again "but it can't be this way, I'm missing something. Everyone has a great connection with people, why can't I have that? Why am I the only one in the entire world feeling essentially disconnected even when I'm face to face with them and laughing?"
(8) All the wondering about "what if"s gets to me, I start daydreaming of possible people in the world I haven't met yet with whom I could have a deep connection, and the prospect of these fictional people never existing makes me lonely...
(9) Loneliness kicks in...
Repeat all the steps over again.
 
  • Like
Reactions: ScarlettHayden

·
The Macabre
Joined
·
3,145 Posts
Loneliness.... Such a sweet poison at first. And then it devours you. How do I stay unlonely? Well, the first step is to learn the difference between being alone and being lonely. Personally, well, this may be absolutely bonkers, but I write letters to all the people that matter to me. I rarely send them, but the act of doing so helps me feel closer.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Aquamarine

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,797 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
I've never seen it put so well into words.

On topic: I know how you feel. I have a bad habit of keeping people I know at a distance, because I can't get myself to trust them. Whenever I feel like I'm getting too close to a person I try and break all ties I have with them. It's a sort of defense mechanism that I've had since certain early childhood events.

Like you, I don't know exactly how I'll deal with this. I don't want to live the rest of my life this way, but then again it's been so long that I can't imagine being any different. I've gotten so used to pushing people away that I've started to embrace it as part of who I am. It's made me much more strong-minded than I used to be, in the sense that it forced me to overcome things on my own. It taught me how to rely on myself. I feel like I could accomplish anything I desire without anyone's help. And it's true to an extent.

I've even built an "insensitive" persona around myself. This way I can still make friendships without people trying to get to my true feelings ("what is there to even get to?"). It's amusing in a way, because I feel like I'm playing a game with the rest of the world.


But this is about you, not me, and I can't pretend to know exactly what you're going through. I can however give you this advice: you need to take the initiative and try to build new friendships yourself. No matter how improbable you might think it is, you will eventually come across someone who can see through you, and if there's any way to break out of this bitter feeling it's by getting yourself to trust them. I know it's hard because I'm struggling with this myself. More importantly, never take your friends for granted. They care about you more than you think, and you can never realize their true value until you lose them. Try not to learn that the hard way.


I also see that you're an INTJ. Listen, if there's one thing we're good at, it's understanding what we are and why we do certain things. You can fix your problem with your own judgement better than with any advice you'll get. Just go for what feels right.

Good luck.
I also have it as a defense mechanism from early childhood events. And I also have that 'insensitive persona'.. sometimes I even just pretend I'm a sociopath and have no feelings at all, although it's not true. I just can't risk showing my feelings to people, you know? And it's not that I take my friends for granted. Far from it. I find the problem is more like I'm the one who always feels like I'm being taken for granted. What's the point of opening up when people are just going to drop you again? It's fun at first but it always ends in tears..

The only thing I can do to 'fix' it is to just stay away from people, but that just makes it worse. But then when I try to socialize I always regret it. There is no winning. Most the time I don't care, but it's just those times when I wish someone could see me for who I am without having to knock my wall down haha. Ironic.

@AlexCruciate Your process sounds very similar to my own. It's like a constant back and forth cycle.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,741 Posts
I just cherish the time of solitude b/c i revel within my inner world more whereas most other time i'd be workin... just enjoy the me time while you can. Don't worry, people will always be around to talk to. Basically just reveling in being comfortable with one's own company. I'm super introverted so every lil action sord of depletes out of my energy tank. /=
 

·
Ayatollah of Coca-Cola
Joined
·
11,718 Posts
Loneliness is downright terrible at times. I pretty much suffer through it 24/7.

It got so bad that I had to call the mental health crisis line just recently.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,078 Posts
I think you'll have to seek for the true motivations behind your self imposing loneliness. Nothing comes out of nowhere, everything has a reason. Perhaps you're not aware of the causes of a specific symptom and the symptom itself looks like disconnected from any cause-and-effect relation, but there's no such thing as an effect with no cause.

If you agree you build walls to keep others away, then you have to focus on the reasons why you built 'em. Like @boogie said, it is also true that we born and die 100% alone, but you shouldn't use this as a means to justify yourself. If being alone bothers you, do not settle until you solve your problems, for while you don't pay them the due attention, they won't go away. Like you said, you keep people away and think that opening yourself is pointless, and on the other hand you desperately want to not be so alone. That's inconsistent. Why do you want something and on the other hand do what'll prevent you from getting what you want? Think about it calmly, always trying to look at it as straight as possible, being aware of the fact that increasing your life quality will probably demand from you a general life approach change.
 
1 - 20 of 27 Posts
Top