[DlusionAl]

How do you deal with someone that hates you but you cant avoid them?

I usually ignore people that dislike me, but do to some circumstances (work, same group of freinds) I cant. Ive never really had a problem with this person but she seems to completely hate me. Normally I couldnt care less, but because of her personal issues with me shes trying to cause problems at work and with our friends. Of course, my friends know me better than that so thats not a problem. Its with work.

Shes been filing complaints about me which never go through because they have no grounds but its making my boss kind of wary of her judgement towards me. I dont really want to say anthing because then it will start a tattle tale war and cause even more problems

Ive tried talking to her to but shes hard headed and completely convinced that im the devil.

So im sort of at a loss on what to do now.
Any suggestions?

 

[Erbse]

Talk straight to your boss about the situation. It's his/her job to ensure the office (or whatever) runs smooth.

It isn't about whining more than ensuring the work environment isn't being poisoned needlessly.

 

[DlusionAl]

Talk straight to your boss about the situation. It's his/her job to ensure the office (or whatever) runs smooth.

It isn't about whining more than ensuring the work environment isn't being poisoned needlessly.

Yeah I was thinking about talking to her soon if she continued. I just needed to find my words first, Id hate to come off as something Im not. Directly talking to my boss was my last option, Id rather solve personal problems on my own.
The worst part of this whole thing is that the coworker used to be a good friend of mine. Ive known her for years and all of a sudden she told me she hated me. So I was pretty confused.

 

[Charles Schwaniger]

There very few people that hate me.

 

[epic]

That sounds like confusing situation, just randomly hating you. If she's not willing to talk to sort it out, then I'm with Erbse, you will probably need to talk to your boss about it. If the complaints aren't grounded in anything work related it shouldn't really matter and it would be better to keep the air clear. Why someone would take a personal vendetta like that to work I don't know.

 

[DlusionAl]

@Charles Schwaniger

True true, shes the only one that I know of. Im waaaaay too likable.

 

[Dalton_C]

"You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life."-Winston Churchill.
You have quite the precarious situation there, especially since she can't be reasoned with. It's a place of work, not middle school. Hopefully your boss will stop it dead in it's tracks.
It's a professional environment, not the playground at recess, the person needs to grow up.

 

[Shrek]

Unfriend her on facebook.

 

[reletative]

@DlusionAl

I've been there! Many times. What's always worked best for me is just going to the manager and saying "I seem to upset XXXX a lot, and I don't really know what I'm doing that upsets him/her. I don't have a problem with XXXX personally. I would like to work together with everybody and get my work done. Can you give me feedback on what I should do to work better with XXXX?"

This way you are on record with management as wanting to take responsibility and fix the problem rather than point fingers. Also it is the mature route, while he/she is still taking the low road. It's always worked well for me.

 

[MyDarkAngel]

You can't control her, you can only control you. Be yourself and let her make a fool of herself without your help.

 

[MuChApArAdOx]

You mentioned you've known her for years. Why would she all of a sudden decide to hate you ? People don't usually just hate out of the blue, there must be more going on than what you've described here. Taking personal things to work isn't a very smart move on her behalf, it makes her look childish. I would just have it out with her, ask her directly " What is your problem ", or maybe you all ready have the answer to that. Regardless, i know it can't be easy having to deal with someone who hates you, especially if you have friends in common, awkward, more for your friends having to be in the middle of this, ( and btw, i don't think she actually hates you ) she probably is just pissed off about something. Lay it out on the line, have it out, and be done.

 

[DustyDrill]

I think this is a female ISTP problem, at the risk of sounding sexist. No one hates me, ever. If I'm a jerk, it's usually because you're wrong. Females also seem to leave men be, and rarely hold resentment towards us... I'm not sure why. Maybe we're intimidating? Maybe because we're better at masking our disgust? Maybe it's because we're not competition?

But female on female hate knows no logic. I feel sorry for female ISTPs and the jealousy you must face with insecure women. I have two sisters. I can't even count how many times they've "hated" their friends throughout the years. The whole idea baffles me.

 

[Coldplayer]

Im so fucking lovable! Who would ever hate me?! :tongue:

I dont deal with people enough for them to hate me. If they hate me I don't know nor do I care.

 

[sofort99]

I would have a talk with my boss to let him know what's going on, and that I'm the victim of a childish idiot.

Then I would start Machiavellian manipulation to get her fired, anonymously report her to the IRS for "tax evasion", anonymously report her to the local police for her "meth lab", anonymously report her to the SPCA for her "pet torture", anonymously report her to the authorities for her "child abuse", and then anything else I could think of.

Want to play? OK, let's play.

 

[DlusionAl]

You mentioned you've known her for years. Why would she all of a sudden decide to hate you ? People don't usually just hate out of the blue, there must be more going on than what you've described here. Taking personal things to work isn't a very smart move on her behalf, it makes her look childish. I would just have it out with her, ask her directly " What is your problem ", or maybe you all ready have the answer to that. Regardless, i know it can't be easy having to deal with someone who hates you, especially if you have friends in common, awkward, more for your friends having to be in the middle of this, ( and btw, i don't think she actually hates you ) she probably is just pissed off about something. Lay it out on the line, have it out, and be done.

Well I should have been more clear, she only said she hated me recently but apparently she's hate me this entire time she's known me. So essentially she's been pretending to be my friend for years. I would think that's completely exhausting, I could never do it so I can't imagine someone else being able to. So it's not really a simple fight to solve.

@DustyDrill
Yeah I've noticed that too, I never really understood why. Gender roles maybe? Most of my friends are males so I don't really come across the problem as much. It's...annoying

@Khys
Did your problem get solved then? I'll end up talking to my boss then, hopefully they'll understand. I don't really know what to do about my coworker though, since she's someone I can't ignore. I guess our personalities just clash. She doesn't have to pretend to be my friend anymore so I can't help but think things are going to get worse.

 

[DlusionAl]

So in an update, my project manager pulled me from the project I was working on with her an a few others. Said they were receiving several complaints about me about not working well with others. Of course I know who it's from but I never thought she would succeed in this. I'm going to talk to my boss as soon as I can but I'm almost to the point where I don't even want to work on the project anymore.

This is fucking ridiculous.

 

[NotedBook300]

I stare at them until they go away.

 

[chrisu]

I think this is a female ISTP problem, at the risk of sounding sexist. No one hates me, ever. If I'm a jerk, it's usually because you're wrong. Females also seem to leave men be, and rarely hold resentment towards us... I'm not sure why. Maybe we're intimidating? Maybe because we're better at masking our disgust? Maybe it's because we're not competition?

But female on female hate knows no logic. I feel sorry for female ISTPs and the jealousy you must face with insecure women. I have two sisters. I can't even count how many times they've "hated" their friends throughout the years. The whole idea baffles me.

i differ between "girls" and "women".
women are female humans who don't act like that.
girls are insecure wimps (regardless of the gender).

 

[DustyDrill]

i differ between "girls" and "women".
women are female humans who don't act like that.
girls are insecure wimps (regardless of the gender).

Or age.

/10 char

 

[Eliza. Peace to you.]

It could be jealousy, or she may interpret your quiet to mean you negatively judge her.

I had a colleague like this and after suffering a bit I took charge by pretending there never was a problem, cheerfully saying hello, making a point to offer polite greetings like "how are you?" in the vary same manner I would with someone whom there was no problem with. (Its exhausting to be mad at someone who doesn't seem phased you are unhappy with them!) Also I offered two sincere compliments. It was all it took. One was, "I appreciate your work on the grant project. Its not the kind of thing I would ever want to work on, so I really appreciate that you did, since it truly benefits our organization." The other one was simple but true - she had great hair, and I told her so. The problem was fixed.

Once at an office job I worked at, a woman who never took vacations took a very long European one, and I was assigned to do her job while she was gone. They gave me a week to train with her and I tried really, really hard to get every single direction down, taking fastidious notes. Then I worked EXTREMELY hard to keep up, behind at first as she warned me I would be, but I got more efficient, caught up, achieved my coveted goal of diving into her "If you ever have extra time, do this, but you probably never will because this job is too hard" pile, and got half of it done by the end of the time.

When she came back I naively waited for her amazed and happy compliments, that she could return from vacation to "all things in order"! Nothing. Instead, later that I got called into the boss, who very gravely asked why I made such a mess of her job while she was gone! I was stunned! I stammered out a denial. There was no specifics offered whatsover - and I really think I made no mistakes.

Fortunately her co-worker, the only other worker in this room, caught wind of what was going on and went in to the boss to stand up for me and explain how hard I had worked. However, I still had to eat lunch with this woman in the little lunchroom, and walk by her desk, and I was sick about it.

Then I realized she was just weak and proud. She had done that job, unappreciated, for many years, taking pride at least that no one else could do this. And it was a hard job with many deadlines, and I could not imagine doing it day in and day out year after year (and I realize now I should have explained that to her, but I didn't think of it).

I think she had counted on me, a mere receptionist, to mess it up and prove to everyone her indispensability. So I was a bitter disappointment instead of the saving help I thought I'd been. And she just did not have the strength of character in her to apologize for lying about me.

So I forgave her without the apology, assuming "she would if she could". And I treated her as if she had never done me any wrong. She was surprised and mistrustful of my friendliness at first, but I really pretended there was never any bad blood between us, and she fell in line. Soon we were back to cordial friendliness! No more tension.

So, its about acting. A little pretending. IMO its well worth the stagework.