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I remember reading a girl in her early 20s once saying every time she looks in the mirror she hears her mother, in her head, criticize her thighs, just like a tape that keeps repeating itself. Not literally of course, she doesn't "hear voices", but it's just that her mother was very judgmental and critical of her and others, so while growing up she was constantly exposed to her mother's whispers about women in their neighborhood or at the beach or on TV....

She said she can't go anywhere or do anything without having a sense of how her mother would react to the situation. Her mother is always with her, though she's passed away. She then ends up projecting this onto the guys she dates or women she befriends. Like she imagines her girlfriend being critical of her behind her back, her boyfriend being repulsed at her thighs or her smell or her posture or her stupidity.... And that behind even most approving and friendly smiles and supportive statements there lies a wickedness and jealousy and hatred that cuts to her core.

When I read this, I did not think it would stay with me, as I'm a guy and not particularly body-conscious either. Yet recently I been thinking a lot about this, almost to the point of obsession, either see men or women as mom and dad or see myself as my parents, as I react to people. Do any of you struggle with this?
 
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I tend to assume that not all people are as horrible as my parents. Might be naive, though. I've done my best to differentiate myself from my parents as much as possible, so I'm not sure how much of their behaviour I'm exhibiting. I don't think the way I react to people is similar to the way my parents do. I hope so, at the very least.

My parents are also very critical of others, including me, but I just tend to ignore them. They never turn that criticism on themselves, though. :rolleyes:
 
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I do not suffer with that to the extent of what you described with the woman you refer (that sounds extreme and haunting).

But yes a little. My mother is a very clear cut ISTJ, I am not positive what I am and I actually think that a friend of mine touched on that. He said he thought I had extremely high Fe,but not dominant but that he could not tell if it was damaged when I was a child. It took me reading more about the functions to realize that everything my mother bases weakness on is Fe, everything I detest in her reasoning or principal is Fi. She still when talking basically continually emphasizes how weak Fe is (without knowing what Fe is), "dont show your facial expressions" "dont share your vulnerabilities or relate and give others leverage or ammunition" its a bit funny because to me fundamentally what she calls weak I think takes guts, her emphasis on self preservation seems avoidant and weak to me. Anyways I have a hard time typing myself I think because of this sort of thing because it was drilled into my head to be avoidant, cold, and logical.

Fe and Perceiving to my ISTJ mom is like the weakest person ever apparently.

Anyways I do not carry my mother with me in all aspects like body image or critiquing everyone. More so when in conflict or doubt processing things questioning my strength vs my principal integrity.

My mother was kind of a bitch with weight but not too horrific. I was referred to as the chubby one of the family while really being average. She always resembled Gwyneth Paltrow and ate like a bird. I however was much more comfortable in my own skin so I always felt like she was jealous. She was so skinny and never wore a bra she had no breasts that looked like the old lady on something about mary. I eat and have breasts I feel like her weight slams backfired on her. I would rather fill my skin out a bit then have dripping skin and bones sticking out.
 

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o.o not really...I am me, tho I used to up to a certain degree. I think I'm fucking awesome XD. I have seen other people do this however. I think it has something to do with upbringing and personality. :\ I'm piss poor at listening to other people and have a bad tendency towards being willful and rebellious. ^^ something I'm proud of to be honest >D.....>.> minus that one time I assaulted dad for being an authoritarian dick. That was just sad.

>.> my grandmother basically did this to my mother, tbh my grandmother can die in a fire for all I care...insufferable old hag.

Imo in every persons life there comes a time when this baggage from the past / parents / grandparents needs to faced head on and slain or else it will always stand in one's way.

Anyone who has this, do yourself a favor and fight for your freedom, stop being a slave to these automatic negative thoughts. >D kick their ass, whos the boss in your skull, them or YOU!?
 

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Everyone has to break free of their chains in life as a personal journey. Some people receive a lot of damage very early in life and become so wounded that they are unable to make much progress on their own and need wise and loving friends or professional help. Very few people, but still some, can actually pull themselves out of the situation, their damage, their baggage, on their own.

Regardless of the method, the route forward is obvious. A lot of people, men and women, have baggage from their parents. That is one of the first types of damage you have to shake off as you break free of their direct control and wean yourself as an adult. But a ton of folks cannot complete the weaning process. They lapse back. They fail to find the support network out in the world that replaces their parents. They are still pursuing their crutches. They are failing to realize that they need to grow. Or they are doing the wrong things with their life to facilitate the growth process.

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The real issue is what will YOU do when you get into a relationship with such a person. I am going to switch into the right pronoun now.

You have to decide what amount of time and effort you're willing to put into helping someone fix themselves. Now there is a key ingredient here. If she is willing to change, to attempt to get better, ie she admits her issue and is willing to face it on some level, then you can bother continuing. If not, I regret to inform you that leaving is your best option. Leaving may even help her.

After that stage you need to constantly check that her reality matches her spoken intent. Does she follow through and treat the process of healing with wisdom and respect (and you at the same time). Part of the helper problem is that when you as a helper help someone, they know that you know how they were. After they get help and improve they then leave you because you have seen them low and they are worried about their image. Longterm they will want only someone who sees them in glowing terms. Not all women are that way, but, in today's culture, a lot of them are. So try to get a feel for her image-consciousness.

Remember that how a person feels, at the end of the day, is a choice. Remind her of that. Use it as a mantra. Feeling hounded by a parental shadow, even after death, is indicative of weak actualization. It means she has rehearsed her failure and now knows it as a pattern, a habit. You have to help her break that cycle. Realization is the first step. When she is first feeling that way about ANYTHING she must admit it to herself. Internal red flag. Then she must own her feelings and decide that she is past that. She will look forward not backward. She will examine the reality of the situation in the now. And realize that whatever she feels is her own choice. That is the path to at least accountability.

Good luck.
 

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Oh yiss :/


My Mom... She's a dear heart and I love her, but she has her own issues.

She's made very strange "predictions" about how my siblings and I will fair in love, and by predictions I mean berating our flaws and telling us we'll be cheated on, unloved, left raped, and disrespected... And in some ways, the things our parents reinforce in us are the things that actually happen to us, a self-fulfilling prophecy if you will.

But how do I deal?
Well, I've just learned to not internalize her words and realize it has far more to say about her than about me. I choose my own path and make my OWN decisions regardless of how she inadvertently programmed me to be:)
 
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