Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 81 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,620 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I'm involved in an "it's complicated" with an INFP. Being an INFP, she needs a lot of this "emotional support" thing, and my INTP "practical advice" only goes so far here. How do you guys handle this issue?

I'd ask the NFs, but it probably comes too naturally for them to give me practical advice on this issue. ENTPs are very similar to INTPs, but your Fe should be more developed, so you should be better at it than I am, but have enough trouble with it that you've had to develop your own strategies.

Particularly, how do you square giving emotional support with your Ti's need for factual honesty?

To give a case study, 'my' INFP is worrying about a class presentation. I know she's going to do fine and kick ass, like she always does. Even she admits that her worry is irrational. But she's still worried. How would you handle this case?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,483 Posts
Give random compliments and try and act authentic about it.

IxFx- "So worried about the exam! Will I pass?!? I'm so worried and anxious!"

Me- "Your hair looks shiny today! And.... your toes are pretty! It'll be okay!"

Edit: The feeling person across the table from me called bullshit. She says "The way to give a feeling person support is to point out their strengths, identify how they've gotten through tough times in the past- and explain how they can also get through now like they did then. Tell her you have faith in her."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,620 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
Give random compliments and try and act authentic about it.

IxFx- "So worried about the exam! Will I pass?!? I'm so worried and anxious!"

Me- "Your hair looks shiny today! And.... your toes are pretty! It'll be okay!"
That last might be more effective if I wasn't limited to only textual media :D (It's a LDR, or possibly LD non-Relationship.) And does this random irrelevant compliment technique actually *work*?!! :D I do believe I could find quite a few things to compliment her on, but relevancy might be a bit more difficult to accomplish.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
585 Posts
That last might be more effective if I wasn't limited to only textual media :D (It's a LDR, or possibly LD non-Relationship.) And does this random irrelevant compliment technique actually *work*?!! :D I do believe I could find quite a few things to compliment her on, but relevancy might be a bit more difficult to accomplish.
I do have INFP friends that doubt themselves and I think the best approach if you reaffirm enthusiastically how awesome they obviously are. I think that will help them emotionally, while at the same time you can provide the rational side dish.

I think with feelers sometimes the fact that you are present is more useful to them that the actual advice.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,620 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
I do have INFP friends that doubt themselves and I think the best approach if you reaffirm enthusiastically how awesome they obviously are. I think that will help them emotionally, while at the same time you can provide the rational side dish.
Well, with tests, we do have a standing bet. If she starts freaking out about a test, $10 says she gets an 85% or better. I've lost it a few times (partly because she's gotten savvier about when to take me up on it), but I'm currently $20 ahead. Would this count as emotional support for fun and profit?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
696 Posts
Can I jump in as an infp who has had a relationship with an Entp?

When he learned to validate my feelings no matter how
irrational, things worked beautifully.

In the example you gave or your girlfriend being concerned
about her presentation, simply understand that she might be
anxious. Don't give advice or say "I know you'll do fine".
Let her know that you understand she is anxious and that's
normal.

You might even say "feeling a bit anxious are you?".
And leave it at that.

I don't if that made sense or I explained it very well.

It's really very simple - just understanding them and
not trying to make it 'better'
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
585 Posts
Well, with tests, we do have a standing bet. If she starts freaking out about a test, $10 says she gets an 85% or better. I've lost it a few times (partly because she's gotten savvier about when to take me up on it), but I'm currently $20 ahead. Would this count as emotional support for fun and profit?
Who is getting the $10? :p

I think that's a fun way of doing it. Anything to reduce the stress associated with the event.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,620 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
Can I jump in as an infp or had a relationship with an Entp?

When he learned to validate my feelings no matter how
irrational, things worked beautifully.

In the example you gave or your girlfriend being concerned
about her presentation, simply understand that she might be
anxious. Don't give advice or say "I know you'll do fine".
Let her know that you understand she is anxious and that's
normal.

You might even say "feeling a bit anxious are you?".
And leave it at that.

I don't if that made sense or I explained it very well.

It's really very simple - just understanding them and
not trying to make it 'better'
Hmm. Interesting. But how would I respond if she's already saying, "I'm worried about this presentation. I know I have no reason to feel that way, but I still feel that way." I know, intellectually, that INFPs need to have their emotions validated (and how ugly things can get for them when they're actively invalidated :/ - at least I can avoid that, I think), but I'm not entirely sure *how*.

And the not trying to make it 'better' thing... that'd be tough. Fe: she's worried, do something Ti! Ti: ah....

Simple does not equal easy...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,620 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
Who is getting the $10? :p

I think that's a fun way of doing it. Anything to reduce the stress associated with the event.
I get the $10 if she gets the good grade :). If she gets a bad grade, well, at least she gets $10. If she gets a good grade, then she's happy about the good grade. Not sure if it actually makes her feel better, but it certainly has been profitable for me!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
187 Posts
Christ knows I usually give practical advice that will ACTUALLY help the situation. I hate all that whiny attention seeking crap. Then I remember not everyone is like me put a fake smile on my face and tell them everything will be ok and what a strong person they are, also my ENFJ friend said sometimes people just want to be listened to (which was kind of a revelation to me because I always try and figure out a solution to people problems. I have to pretend I give a shit all the time with this emotional stuff, not easy being an ENTP female, I save my emotions for serious stuff. Anyway what @Jabberbroccoli is exactly what I say in these situations and it works.

"The way to give a feeling person support is to point out their strengths, identify how they've gotten through tough times in the past- and explain how they can also get through now like they did then. Tell her you have faith in her."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,261 Posts
Well... what I do (with my ISFP friend.... note: don't know if it works that well but,) I try to help her get to the core of the anxiety (yes, I actually try to analyze the feeling.)

If she were to start acting different or admit that she's nervous, I ask her about what. If she mentions project, I ask her if there's a specific thing about the project which she's worries about. If she's unsure, I would state possible reasons until she agrees with one. Then I'd focus on the reason (ex: forgetting what to say) and try and give her advice to prevent this from happening. I'd let her present in front of me, then give her honest compliment and how the rest of the class will probably reply.

Just stuff like that. I found that when I focus on what may be bothering her instead of simply saying 'aw... that sucks... *crickets*' or 'no, you'll do great! (I hate saying that, it takes a lot of energy for some reason o_O)', it generally leads to better results.

In other words, I try to flip the situation from being one where it requires 'emotional support' to one where it involves analyzing and getting to the bottom of what's bothering her and seeing ways to fix it without telling her what to do.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,620 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
Edit: The feeling person across the table from me called bullshit. She says "The way to give a feeling person support is to point out their strengths, identify how they've gotten through tough times in the past- and explain how they can also get through now like they did then. Tell her you have faith in her."
Ah, focus on past successes! That, I can do... aside from my spotty memory. But I *always* tell her, "I *know* you can do it." That, and I parrot back her "You can do it!" motto, since that works well enough on me. Just wish I could do *more*.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
585 Posts
I don't think there's anything wrong with attempting to resolve a situation. I think Belovodia wants to stress that acknowledging their feelings are very important.

If I just said "Feeling a bit anxious, are you?" it would seem to me that I was putting no effort into it and that to me it was meaningless to me. I usually respond to people that I can't be bothered to talk to like that.

Continue to be there for her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,620 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
Christ knows I usually give practical advice that will ACTUALLY help the situation. I hate all that whiny attention seeking crap.
Yes, I try the same, but she told me that the practical advice "gets tiring."

Then I remember not everyone is like me put a fake smile on my face and tell them everything will be ok and what a strong person they are, also my ENFJ friend said sometimes people just want to be listened to (which was kind of a revelation to me because I always try and figure out a solution to people problems. I have to pretend I give a shit all the time with this emotional stuff, not easy being an ENTP female, I save my emotions for serious stuff. Anyway what Jabberbroccoli is exactly what I say in these situations and it works.
Yeah, occasionally, she *does* just want to be listened to. Or, rather, she's not actually that worried, she's just looking to bounce some emotion off me for funsies. I suppose she might "just want to be listened to" when she really is legitimately worried, though.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,620 Posts
Discussion Starter #15
Well... what I do (with my ISFP friend.... note: don't know if it works that well but,) I try to help her get to the core of the anxiety (yes, I actually try to analyze the feeling.)

If she were to start acting different or admit that she's nervous, I ask her about what. If she mentions project, I ask her if there's a specific thing about the project which she's worries about. If she's unsure, I would state possible reasons until she agrees with one. Then I'd focus on the reason (ex: forgetting what to say) and try and give her advice to prevent this from happening. I'd let her present in front of me, then give her honest compliment and how the rest of the class will probably reply.
I occasionally try something like that when the worry goes up to about DefCon 4 or so, but she usually just says "idk" at that point. Which makes sense - I think INFP emotions are about as convoluted as INTP beliefs, and I know how hard *those* buggers are to put into words. If the worry is only around DefCon 2 or 3, I think that'd just make her worry more. (and this case is around DefCon 2, I'd say.)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,261 Posts
That sounds ... frustrating O_O

Plan 2: Switch the topic and talk about something else. Try making her laugh.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,620 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
That sounds ... frustrating O_O

Plan 2: Switch the topic and talk about something else. Try making her laugh.
Hmm. Making her laugh is a good thing :) I have a high success rate at that, but it's not exactly *intentional* if you get my drift. It's a bit of a scattershot approach, and there's a considerable difference between "heh" (you're funny, but not as much as you think you are) and "lol" (and he scores!). And switching the topic might be problematic - don't want her to think I'm not validating how she feels.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,261 Posts
Hmm. Making her laugh is a good thing :) I have a high success rate at that, but it's not exactly *intentional* if you get my drift. It's a bit of a scattershot approach, and there's a considerable difference between "heh" (you're funny, but not as much as you think you are) and "lol" (and he scores!). And switching the topic might be problematic - don't want her to think I'm not validating how she feels.
Yes, I can relate to that.
And yes, switching the topic may very well be problematic, and considering she has Fi, she most likely won't tell you she's hurt which makes it even worse. Rather than automatically switching the topic, focus on how she's feeling about roughly 5-10 minutes, ask her what's wrong, listen to her, nod your head a few times in understanding then give her support, a compliment THEN completely switch the topic and this will hopefully get her mind off the issues :D

(... I still find it interesting how providing emotional support comes naturally for some people. To think some individuals purposely put themselves in such situations in order to sympathize)
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
293 Posts
lol INFPs goddamn. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT. Comfort and reassure her allll day long. It doesn't have to make logical sense, and redundancy is OK. Tell her she'll do fine, that she's really well prepared, that she's smart, beautiful, have great genes, etc. etc.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
187 Posts
@crazyeddie like what @O_o said. Find out if there is an ACTUAL problem. If its nerves just remind her that she can do it and to focus on the positive.

Some practical advice you may not have thought of its a visualisation technique....Try and get her, instead of imagining everything that could go wrong, Imagine it going well, really try to get her absorbed in the positive outcome and most importantly how it would feel. Its a visualisation technique to help de stress these types of situations. By imagining it, I mean get her to literally visualise and role-play in her head standing confidently, how she would greet people, what she will wear and how she will feel when it all goes well. Literally the perfect scenario. It feeds into the subconscious and its the "feeling" of the visualisation that leaves a stronger imprint on the subconscious. Its that role-play she needs to replay over and over in her head. I'm massively into visualisation, neuro linguistic programming, anchors, hypnosis etc there is science & logic behind it so I'm not talking out my ass.

If practical advice and telling her that you have every confidence in her doesn't work your left with telling her hair looks pretty. If you have done all that and shes still whining its for attention.
 
1 - 20 of 81 Posts
Top