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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
After reading some of the comment in the 'What is the dating landscape like at 33? (M seeking F)' topic (and other similar topics) I suddenly started wondering about how all of you feel about arranged marriages. These can be arranged by parents or by your community or/and your religion/sect.

I myself have lived in a community myself for a while (not long enough to be hooked up to someone inside the community), where arranged marriages were the most normal thing you could imagine. These people didn't focus on Worldly things, but were mostly focused on their spiritual life, so the community chose someone for them that was spiritually compatible with them, who could help each other to reach higher levels of spiritual awareness. Sex, etc was only something they'd do to conceive a child, a child who would then be raised by the community as a whole. Most after a while did develop feelings for each other, but not in the infatuated form as we often idealize in popular culture.

So my question for all of you is: How do you feel about arranged marriages? Do you believe this could be a solution for your 'single' status? Would you prefer being in a relationship over actually having a free choice in who you date? etc.

Please discuss and share if you want :)
 

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I don't agree with them, and no I don't think it would be a solution to me being single, as I wouldn't want to be in that situation, what if you don't like the person your suppose to be marrying for example. I would rather have a choice of who I date/marry, as far as I'm concerned that is my choice and no-one elses.
 

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honestly? takes out a lot of the legwork for me, and i'm lazy like that. i should have been born indian because it ain't nobody trying to set me up. people rather just leave me lonely :(
 

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I'm against arranged marriage, although folks are gonna do what folks are gonna do.

A person should marry who they want to marry, not who they are told to marry. I think it can create this unnecessary pressure for people to stay in terrible relationships - to leave would be to defy their parents, community and culture. I'm not saying that they can't work out, but I think it's putting the cart waaaaaayyy before the horse to marry someone before you know you're compatible. There is absolutely nothing wrong with getting to know people first, with dating around for a bit, and even with not marrying at all. (*gasp* the horror!)

I also don't particularly agree when people straddle 'spiritual match' and 'God-chosen' onto the term as it can make people far more accepting of a shitty arrangement. I read an article on polygamy a while ago and marriages were decided by the church elders - they would tell you God wanted this, people would marry someone they hardly knew, and then they'd stick at a miserable situation because it's 'God's will'. What was really creepy was that these elders would save all the young women for themselves or the people that donated lots of money. Kinda funny how convenient God's will works out, huh? o_0
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I'm against arranged marriage, although folks are gonna do what folks are gonna do.

A person should marry who they want to marry, not who they are told to marry. I think it can create this unnecessary pressure for people to stay in terrible relationships - to leave would be to defy their parents, community and culture. I'm not saying that they can't work out, but I think it's putting the cart waaaaaayyy before the horse to marry someone before you know you're compatible. There is absolutely nothing wrong with getting to know people first, with dating around for a bit, and even with not marrying at all. (*gasp* the horror!)

I also don't particularly agree when people straddle 'spiritual match' and 'God-chosen' onto the term as it can make people far more accepting of a shitty arrangement. I read an article on polygamy a while ago and marriages were decided by the church elders - they would tell you God wanted this, people would marry someone they hardly knew, and then they'd stick at a miserable situation because it's 'God's will'. What was really creepy was that these elders would save all the young women for themselves or the people that donated lots of money. Kinda funny how convenient God's will works out, huh? o_0
Your reply made me think about this amazing "What would you do?" episode. It makes me cry so much every time I see it :(

 

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I cannot imagine ever choosing to be in an arranged marriage or any marriage. Having personal freedom and not being tied to another person is so necessary to my well being.

An arranged marriage seems more like a choice that could be made as a kind of transaction, a partnership for the sake of stability or economic reasons. But doing it purely to not feel lonely seems like a recipe for trouble.
 

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I kind of wish I had been in one because it couldn't be any worse than being alone right? Also, there really isn't any evidence that marriage based on love are any better. That's because the love in a marriage usually dies off within the first year or two and after that it's no more likely to be a good marriage than an arranged one.
 

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Arranged marriages are supposed to be better than desired marriages. But that should come as no surprise considering the failure rate of marriage in general.
I won't be accepting individual choice as an argument for the time being because it is now deemed less important to have an independent thinking mind capable of making choices than getting the best outcome for everything through any means necessary.
 

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citations needed
though, that's kinda impossible to know since if they feel oppressed they are also unlikely to report it, or maybe even admit it.
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/08/world/middleeast/08women.html

what i'm really pointing out is how the West believes itself to be the sole assessor of who is and isn't oppressed. meanwhile, in your own back yard...

you all do it to black people too...always trying to save someone that's being "oppressed". liberals. if it isn't the poor black folk, it's the poor arab women. or the gays. or whoever is the current in style oppressed flavor of the week. it changes so often it's hard to keep track who you're saving next. i think it's called the white savior complex lol

if it doesn't espouse Western ideals then it is bullshit. never mind what they have to say about it. they don't know any better. they're oppressed. they wouldn't even report it if they did know better. but we know better. yes, we know.

idk, bringing it back to arranged marriages...i mean, have an open mind. it's not like your way must be better. i can see why arranged marriages make sense.

point of clarification...we are talking about "arranged" marriages and not "forced" marriages, right? because i'm pretty sure in most arranged marriages the two people are still umm able to back out if they don't like the person. final choice is still theirs, you're just "setting them up". family, friends, community.
 

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It's easier to reject arranged marriages due to our cultural background (most of us), just as one old thread of one guy having kinda two wives but here it applies the same as there: we can learn form it. On that thread nobody dared to discuss one point I placed there: many fail to keep happy just one woman, that guy and those cultures manage to keep two or more happy, no, don't judge happy from where we are applying our culture.

Same here, we can learn form it. Most of us me included, fail to see clearly when in love and many times make wrong choices. It's been always easier to give advice when we are outside the relationship, that could be one point in favor. Other that than, it's easy to fail in such important choice, many are trying to make it very young (and saying "I Can").

Sure I'm against it... not so much as before. I mean, it's not easy for ourselves to accept it's beyond "I disagree" most of us just reject it, so I used to do that, I don't anymore, at least thinking about it (while not living by it) comes with no impulsive rejection, I can think of it freely now. I also talked to people who live by it and it's very interesting: one said we are not able to choose at such young age and our parents (if responsible) know better. He has his own family now BTW.

Me? I think I prefer working on a relationship with someone I choose.

Still, I can see now... when choice is possible we act differently, we can cope a bit more (sometimes) when there is no choice and things just happen, then you reject 100% (out of discussion on those cultures because they embrace it) or you put hands to work, finally. I probably fail to explain this BUT I've talked to several exGfs of mine and they ended up speechless when I explained how some open choices mean waste of time and money, while "whoa you are pregnant" means having our brains deleting several things from the list and just diving into more urgent-important stuff.


Arranged marriages are supposed to be better than desired marriages.
Yes, some people cooperate more when they have no choice, no choice doesn't exactly mean bad, it's a cultural thing, like some cultures having the woman 1 month or more in the guys house to "train-test-her", it's cultural. I don't exactly agree with this but I know some people can't even consider ideas because they are in full defensive mode always thinking their culture is superior and everybody else on earth is wrong.
 

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Mmm... the thing is, me, having an arranged marriage now would mean stress, it's not in my core thinking, but living on a culture that embraces it would mean "it's natural".
 

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I would never want someone to choose my husband for me. It is my choice to make.
 
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http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/08/world/middleeast/08women.html

what i'm really pointing out is how the West believes itself to be the sole assessor of who is and isn't oppressed. meanwhile, in your own back yard...

you all do it to black people too...always trying to save someone that's being "oppressed". liberals. if it isn't the poor black folk, it's the poor arab women. or the gays. or whoever is the current in style oppressed flavor of the week. it changes so often it's hard to keep track who you're saving next. i think it's called the white savior complex lol

if it doesn't espouse Western ideals then it is bullshit. never mind what they have to say about it. they don't know any better. they're oppressed. they wouldn't even report it if they did know better. but we know better. yes, we know.

idk, bringing it back to arranged marriages...i mean, have an open mind. it's not like your way must be better. i can see why arranged marriages make sense.

point of clarification...we are talking about "arranged" marriages and not "forced" marriages, right? because i'm pretty sure in most arranged marriages the two people are still umm able to back out if they don't like the person. final choice is still theirs, you're just "setting them up". family, friends, community.
I've no idea what you're talking about. My country had arranged marriages like 50 years ago and of course it's better now. Choosing the person you want to live your life with should be your choice and no one else's.
Arranged marriages = forced, if not directly then through peer pressure. It's not the same as setting people together, it's an arrangement done when the people are still underage, or even when they are born.
 

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So my question for all of you is: How do you feel about arranged marriages? Do you believe this could be a solution for your 'single' status? Would you prefer being in a relationship over actually having a free choice in who you date?
Well, I don't like the idea. You see, my parents are trying to arrange a marriage for me but I refused, and will always refuse. If I'm not capable of attracting and courting women then so be it.
I don't think there's a cure for my single status. I'm broken and unfixable. People my age is lightyears ahead of me in terms of courtship skills and sexual experience..and I literally have 0 skills and experience. So there's no cure.
I'd obviously prefer to date by choice if it ever comes to that.
 
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