Personality Cafe banner

how do you feel or what do you do when someone tells you "BEING INTROVERT IS BAD!"?

[INFJ] 
3K views 31 replies 23 participants last post by  ronnie 
#1 ·
how do you feel or what do you do when someone tells you "BEING INTROVERT IS BAD!"?

You know, society has a very wrong concept about personality: according to the average person, personality means "your social skill", your skill to relate with others. so the society thinks that the person who has a bunch of friends and loves to socialize and party hard is someone with a great personality, while the quiet and shy guy who sits at the botton corner of the class has no personality at all

the concept is completly wrong, erich fromm and sigmund freud both debunked this "theory" about what personality is and made their own.
but even after that, a bunch of people still think that is something bad to be introvert.

for example a bunch of my friends. while discussing about how we relate to each other, they usually tell me "why you dont like parties or going out to a mall or talk to strangers?" my answer would just be "because it makes me feel uncomfortable"
and they always tell me "you need to change that, that is bad, you need to socialize or you are not anyone"


while its obvious that being introvert is nothing bad, some people think it is, so I was wondering how do you guys feel when you hear this and how do you act?

I tend to feel very angry and just tell them "no, I dont need to change, its you who must open your own mind"
 
See less See more
#5 ·
I know but you get the point :p

They tell you to change that because you are referencing your feelings as INFJ - "it makes me feel bad". Ask an INTJ or INTP why they don't want to socialize and you'll probably get a response "people are too uninteresting for me to want to want to spend time with them". Nobody will then tell them then that they need to change. Response you get will be heavily influenced by how you talk about introversion with extraverts. If you describe introversion at a period of time that you want to spend on self-growth, learning, painting, some other of your own hobbies, etc. then people will not treat it as a bad thing. But if you simply answer that socializing makes you "feel bad" then of course extraverts will tell you that there is something wrong with you.
but why cant they understand? cant they be more open minded and understand that not everyone loves socializing...and that if they see you sitting alone just looking at nothing its not always because you are extremely depressed or have no friends?
 
#3 ·
for example a bunch of my friends. while discussing about how we relate to each other, they usually tell me "why you dont like parties or going out to a mall or talk to strangers?" my answer would just be "because it makes me feel uncomfortable"
and they always tell me "you need to change that, that is bad, you need to socialize or you are not anyone"
They tell you to change that because you are referencing your feelings as INFJ - "it makes me feel bad". Ask an INTJ or INTP why they don't want to socialize and you'll probably get a response "people are too uninteresting for me to want to want to spend time with them". Nobody will then tell them then that they need to change. Response you get will be heavily influenced by how you talk about introversion with extraverts. If you describe introversion at a period of time that you want to spend on self-growth, learning, painting, some other of your own hobbies, etc. then people will not treat it as a bad thing. But if you simply answer that socializing makes you "feel bad" then of course extraverts will tell you that there is something wrong with you.
 
#4 ·
I portray my introversion confidently. It intimidates E types. I make sure they are fully aware that I am in deep thought while I'm staring at them mid-conversation. They don't prefer to speak the unspoken words of thought normally so it makes them uncomfortable.

I could care less if they are better at talking to people then I am. I like being introverted.
 
#6 ·
Personally, I'm probably less social and more reserved than you are(from what you typed). I don't really give a shit what people think of that, though. It doesn't bother me if people look down on that for any reasons.
 
#10 ·
yeah, I hear some guys telling me sometimes this kids of shit believing that they, fucking retards are more social than me... and me, who prefer to stay more quiet and aside I am a damn fuck idiot?! But to cope with this, just ignore them... what do they believe? that, if they are social and go out at a bar and do nothing and they just go there and look at females... they are pretty tough? let's see if the same friends will help each other when harsh times come, not when things are good. well, I just select my friends I go out with, they are not many, and most of the time I go alone... like a lonely wolf! and it's more cool to experience world and develop opinions on your own than following the pack
 
#13 ·
antisocial are psychopaths who sit in prison for murder
asocial are people who are ambivalent about socializing

however many people refer to introverts as anti-social as way of casting negative judgement on their behavior (i.e. if you are not spending time socializing with us you must have something against us, you are anti-, contrary to our social group)
 
#15 ·
There is no reason on earth why one should comply to someone else's behavior. And yet, even unspoken, I can feel other people's judgments ...

Whatever, I don't care, by times I just shut down and introvert. There is nothing I can do to change that, other than being untrue to my own person.
 
#16 ·
You know, society has a very wrong concept about personality: according to the average person, personality means "your social skill", your skill to relate with others. so the society thinks that the person who has a bunch of friends and loves to socialize and party hard is someone with a great personality, while the quiet and shy guy who sits at the botton corner of the class has no personality at all

the concept is completly wrong, erich fromm and sigmund freud both debunked this "theory" about what personality is and made their own.
but even after that, a bunch of people still think that is something bad to be introvert.

for example a bunch of my friends. while discussing about how we relate to each other, they usually tell me "why you dont like parties or going out to a mall or talk to strangers?" my answer would just be "because it makes me feel uncomfortable"
and they always tell me "you need to change that, that is bad, you need to socialize or you are not anyone"


while its obvious that being introvert is nothing bad, some people think it is, so I was wondering how do you guys feel when you hear this and how do you act?

I tend to feel very angry and just tell them "no, I dont need to change, its you who must open your own mind"
My response to such comments would be "yeah so is being a ignorant moron but you get by ok" :crazy:
 
#17 ·
HOW TO CARE FOR INTROVERTS

- Respect their need for privacy.

- Never embarrass them in public.

- Let them observe first in new situations.

- Give them time to think. Don’t demand instant answers.

- Don’t interrupt them.

- Give them advanced notice of expected changes in their lives.

- Give them 15 minute warnings to finish whatever they are doing before calling them to dinner or moving on to the next activity.

- Reprimand them privately.

- Teach them new skills privately rather than in public.

- Enable them to find one best friend who has similar interests and abilities: encourage this relationship even if the friend moves.

- Do not push them to make lots of friends.

- Respect their introversion. Don’t try to remake them into extraverts.

Introverts need to learn about the positive benefits of their personality type. They need to be taught that reflection is a good quality, that the most creative individuals sought solitude, and that leaders in academic, aesthetic and technical fields are often introverts. Parents need to know that more National Merit Scholars are introverted than extraverted, and that introverts have higher grade point averages in Ivy League colleges than extraverts (Silverman, 1986). Contrary to public opinion, success in life is not dependent upon extraversion. Introverts also have an advantage at midlife in that long, hard journey to the soul which heralds the second half of the life cycle. The time has come to respect the introverts in our families and classrooms, and the hidden introvert in ourselves.

-Linda Kreger Silverman, Ph.D.
 
#18 ·
The problem is that society is 'dominated' by extroverts, that we introverts are 'outnumbered' by the extrovert majority, thus making us the odd ones out.

This is untrue, though, since there are about equal numbers of extroverts and introverts. The misconception, I feel, stems from the fact that introverts are more reserved and more likely to keep to themselves or keep only to a small group of trusted friends. Extroverts are the ones 'getting out there' and socializing and being seen. We introverts operate behind the scenes and don't necessarily thrive on having lots of attention showered over us, in fact people with stronger introversion actively shy away from it. Even before I knew what intro/extroversion even was (back when I thought I was just 'dull, boring, shy', which is why introversion is stigmatized as), I kept telling myself and my family that I would rather be the kind of guy that works the rigging and the curtains behind stage, I don't want to be the guy out in the limelight for everyone to see.

The persistent problem we introverts face is that society makes heroes of extroverts, and Hollywood in particular just loves the protagonist who is outgoing/brave/heroic/etc. I rarely see an introvert play the main protagonist role that everyone wants to be empathetic towards, at best they get relegated to the role of 'quirky sidekick', 'misunderstood dame who needs to be saved from herself' or, at worst, the maniacal social outcast of an antagonist who must be stopped at all costs or else OH NO. The hero-introverts rarely-if-ever get noticed by society because, honestly, they don't want to be noticed.
 
#20 ·
I don't hear that much anymore. I smile a lot, listen intently, ask a pertinent question, and listen again. If they ask why I am so quiet, I respond that I love watching people and listening to their stories. All this is true... and it makes them feel like I am participating in their activities. It's the occasional question that makes the difference in making them feel like I'm participating. In other situations, I fake being an extravert. You know they never look deeper than that... You can get a lot of "alone" time wandering from group to group, but it looks like you're participating. You are who you are. You are not answerable to anyone. :) Being inside the mind of an extravert must be like switching channels every 3 seconds, with a bad antenna. shudder.
 
#22 ·
I have an issue with people who think I need to "become extroverted" when I express a desire to be more social. I've had problems with certain friends assuming when I want to hang out more, I want to hang out all day and night. I do my best to explain to them I get drained when I spend too much time around masses of people and need time alone to sort my mind out. Most friends are okay with it, but I don't know how many of them "get" it.

It definitely bothers me more how introverts are portrayed on T.V. and in movies. The basement dweller, the lonely serial killer, the quiet psycho, and the socially-impaired gamer get old. We're human, too. We're all different.
 
#23 ·
I am a very social introvert. Very social and introvert dont mix at all. Actually i am prone to the dark thoughts when alone that is said about ENFJs. I actually dislike being alone for long periods but get drained by being with people. I get drained much slower then the other introverts in my family. i tend to score near the middle in test one E/I. I consider myself an ambivert leaning towards introversion.
 
#25 ·
Then I totally get the picture that the other person is living in a barrel, shortly: can only see his/her own perspective and thinks that this is the only way of seeing world. It's like telling me that I should be like him/her or anyone else instead of being truly myself. Luckily, after junior-high (like 6-7 years ago) there was not much this kind of people around me who were trying to convince that there's something wrong about me or my introversion or shyness. I've overcame my shyness within last few years, and right now, in my opinion, I'm quite social introverted person and I bet you can mix me being an extroverted person.

EDIT: If this kind of situation happens that someone comes and says these things, then I'd told my point about what introversion truly is, and if the person still insist that this is bad and says that I should be like this and this, then this person is waste of my time and I'd say to him things like that he is living in a barrel, he doesn't accept as who I am... or whatever comes to my mind.
 
#26 ·
and right now, in my opinion, I'm quite social introverted person and I bet you can mix me being an extroverted person.
I love it, love it, love it! Did I say "love it"? I would not have been able to say it so well! Thank you!
 
#27 · (Edited)
The people who boldly claim this are merely suffocating me with their own expectations of how I "should" behave. No, actually, choosing to stay home rather than go to a party or social night-out does not make me anti-social, which, by the way, is a totally misused word; anti-social humans are those who are rotting in prison right now for having neither a sense of right and wrong nor remorse for committing horrid crimes. ... But thanks for lumping me into that category.

Now that I think about it, I suppose reading Harry Potter could count as brushing up on witchcraft. Quick! Maybe if you'll peep into my window late tonight, you'll find me stitching up a batch of voodoo dolls!
 
#28 ·
It used to irritate me. Just because I'm not as social, doesn't mean I'm inferior. Maybe I'm just better company for myself than some other people.

Now? Non-issue. Most people think I'm an extravert, unless I am really put to a test (highschool summer camp anyone? I thought I was going to die), which usually doesn't happen. Or I just come out and say it, which sometimes occurs when I go from a very social spell to a time-alone spell. I figure I owe my friends an explanation so they won't jump to conclusions.

But if, for some reason, someone says something negative about introversion, I just feel sorry for them. They have such a narrow view of the world, and if they cannot see any value in time spent alone, then they are very dependent on others. If one is dependent on others for how one feels about oneself, then one can never truly reach their potential -- IMO. I'm not saying that extroversion is bad, I'm just saying that people who hold the attitude that introversion is evil are ignorant.
 
#29 ·
I've been called "the quiet evil" before by an adult jokester out of a whole room full of people. What's funny is the girl sitting across from me wouldn't shut up and kept saying really rude and inappropriate comments to him. It's interesting how so many people associate quiet people with evil (even if they are joking) but it's really because they never know what they're thinking so it scares them and so quiet people are all automatically negative to them. And yeah, the word "anti-social" is not only misused it's overused as is the phrase "socially retarded" and I've even called myself that at one point just so extroverted people wouldn't judge me first. I mean I am kind of socially retarded I guess but that's more because I'm shy and I don't believe introverted equals shy. Okay I'm going off on a tangent. I guess my point was I will probably never get used to being misunderstood even if I can understand why they don't understand. A lot of it is just their fault for being so close-minded. You are just a fool if you think everyone in the world thinks like you. It just seems inconsiderate even if they didn't mean it that way I can't seem to excuse them for doing it.
 
#30 ·
I will go against the grain here and say that learning to be more extraverted can be a good or even necessary thing, insofar that a lot of problems are best handled by having good connection with/to other people. And that means being able to play the social game. Yes, introverted doesn't necessarily mean asocial, but if the introverted side is very strong, then you are likely to be awkward in social situations. Even if I hate small-talk, I see that it's beneficial for me to handle small-talk when such situations arise, certainly so if I can handle it without losing focus of myself.

Of course, I really despise the notion that introverts don't "have" personalities. Our affections are simply turned inwards.
 
#31 ·
Introversion does not suggest shyness. Not only in MBTI terms, but in any personality theory, or even the actual word. But the poster, I think, is talking about shyness or a lack of interest in socialising, which is different from introversion (which in many cases is actually tested by whether or not you can concentrate while there is noise around you! - introverts can't, extroverts can - for some reason, extroverts also have more saliva!*)

However, the OP is right that some personalities are distrustful, suspicious or uncomfortable around quiet people or may think there is something wrong with them. Some people even assume that people who are shy are autistic! This is because they have certain shared traits - like avoiding eye contact. But is completely ridiculous. Many friends of mine (who do not realise I'm shy because they have forgotten what I was like when they first met me!) believe shy people are vain, proud and arrogant. I.e. - they are only not speaking because they think they are better than me/because they are too vain or proud to risk saying something stupid.

Even my best friend has mocked a shy girl in her class when we were at uni because she answered a question incorrectly and then became very nervous about it - blushing and shaking. According to my mate, this girl was too stuck up to admit she isn't better than everyone else. Of course, I think everyone here understands that her giving the wrong answer actually just confirmed to her what she felt she already knew - that she was stupid and worthless.

Not everyone judges character well. If people are being unpleasant because they think shy people are _____. It's because they are not very good at empathising or judging character. Pity them.

*This is an interesting scientific perspective of personality types and shaping where I got this information - It's quite long, though, so reserve a bit of time!

EDIT: Watched the link again and realised I got the saliva fact wrong! Introverts produce more saliva than extroverts when stimulated...
 
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top