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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm not talking about if just someone random, or someone you just met ignores you. But when someone you feel like you are close to does it. Like a close family member, friend, or significant other.

I have a bad habit of when I attempt to start a conversation, either something I want to talk about, or just to try to have a conversation with someone close to me because I know they like to talk (normally over text or something not face to face), that if they dont respond, and I can SEE that they read my message, and didn't respond, it really rubs me the wrong way. And makes me feel like shit.

I understand that a lot of the time people are busy, or maybe they didn't have time at the moment, or any number of reasons. Especially when I have talked to them about them not responding, and they say sorry, regardless when it happens again it still hurts.

Even though I have been an INTJ my whole life, in recent years I've become a lot more.. affectionate? Emotional? Im not quite sure of the correct word here, but I've become more open with people, so these kinds of things hurt worse than they used to.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to get at hurt. Anyone else feel similar/How do you respond to situations like this?
 

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Definitely when it's about my life and how I spend it, which they often decide without my consent has always annoyed me. It's not that I'm bratty or anything, just when they lie to you and ignore your pleas of leniency, then I do somewhat extreme things to catch their attention.

One certain occasion was when they dragged me to another country for a "few weeks" which ended up taking my whole summer vacation.
 
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I'm not talking about if just someone random, or someone you just met ignores you. But when someone you feel like you are close to does it. Like a close family member, friend, or significant other.

I have a bad habit of when I attempt to start a conversation, either something I want to talk about, or just to try to have a conversation with someone close to me because I know they like to talk (normally over text or something not face to face), that if they dont respond, and I can SEE that they read my message, and didn't respond, it really rubs me the wrong way. And makes me feel like shit.

I understand that a lot of the time people are busy, or maybe they didn't have time at the moment, or any number of reasons. Especially when I have talked to them about them not responding, and they say sorry, regardless when it happens again it still hurts.

Even though I have been an INTJ my whole life, in recent years I've become a lot more.. affectionate? Emotional? Im not quite sure of the correct word here, but I've become more open with people, so these kinds of things hurt worse than they used to.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to get at hurt. Anyone else feel similar/How do you respond to situations like this?
The word you're looking for is either "sensitive" or "vulnerable".
It often happens as INTJs get a little more experienced in life.

We keep our marshmallow fluff inside heavily guarded, so for us to expend energy to talk to someone only to meet a brick wall,
is much more disconcerting than it might be for (say) an ENFP or ESTJ or what have you: they *feed* off the interactions, so it doesn't cost them much for a single interaction to fall flat, they'll just move on.

But for INTJs...not so easy.
 

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I'm not talking about if just someone random, or someone you just met ignores you. But when someone you feel like you are close to does it. Like a close family member, friend, or significant other.

I have a bad habit of when I attempt to start a conversation, either something I want to talk about, or just to try to have a conversation with someone close to me because I know they like to talk (normally over text or something not face to face), that if they dont respond, and I can SEE that they read my message, and didn't respond, it really rubs me the wrong way. And makes me feel like shit.

I understand that a lot of the time people are busy, or maybe they didn't have time at the moment, or any number of reasons. Especially when I have talked to them about them not responding, and they say sorry, regardless when it happens again it still hurts.

Even though I have been an INTJ my whole life, in recent years I've become a lot more.. affectionate? Emotional? Im not quite sure of the correct word here, but I've become more open with people, so these kinds of things hurt worse than they used to.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to get at hurt. Anyone else feel similar/How do you respond to situations like this?
Am i allowed to reply even if though im not intj? This is the irony, intjs usually do this and like you, sometimes, I feel the same way.

So maybe this isnt type related?


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I can live with it. As a realist, I don’t expect to be liked by everyone.
 

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I can be fine with it as long as it's not obviously intentional. When I do know it's intentional, I can get a little pissed, but never overly frustrated. If it goes on for long enough, things may start to get more serious, I might start ignoring the other person too and the relationship can get pretty cold. I know this will sound edgy, but people shouldn't compete with me to know who can ignore the other the longest because it's either a draw or loss for them.
 

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...if they dont respond, and I can SEE that they read my message, and didn't respond, it really rubs me the wrong way. And makes me feel like shit.

I understand that a lot of the time people are busy, or maybe they didn't have time at the moment, or any number of reasons. Especially when I have talked to them about them not responding, and they say sorry, regardless when it happens again it still hurts.
I can't relate to this at all. I don't put expectations on friends like this. Perhaps bc I don't want those same expectations put back on me. I rarely initiate texting but if I texted someone and they didn't reply quickly I would assume they're busy and will get back to me when they can/it suits them. I wouldn't look to see if they read the message. I would never talk to them about not responding. Even if they never responded, ever, I'd just shrug my shoulders and move on. To me friendship is a light and fluid thing. If it has heavy expectations and strings attached it puts me off and doesn't feel like a true ('go you!') friendship to me. If a friend expected me to apologize for not responding on their timeline, I'd tell them that since they expect me to (go) jump on their command I suggest they do the same.

It's different with a SO since I do feel a strong sense of responsibility in a committed romantic relationship. I would respond asap to his text even if only to say 'busy, I'll text you tonight'. I like being in regular/daily contact with my SO. If he didn't respond to my messages for reasons beyond the usual busy/bad timing, yeah, that wouldn't feel good.

My ISFP & ENTP friends are both sensitive to how quickly people respond to them. ENTP positively hates (what he perceives as) "being ignored". So I don't think this is an INTJ thing.
 

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I can't relate to this at all. I don't put expectations on friends like this. Perhaps bc I don't want those same expectations put back on me. I rarely initiate texting but if I texted someone and they didn't reply quickly I would assume they're busy and will get back to me when they can/it suits them. I wouldn't look to see if they read the message. I would never talk to them about not responding. Even if they never responded, ever, I'd just shrug my shoulders and move on. To me friendship is a light and fluid thing. If it has heavy expectations and strings attached it puts me off and doesn't feel like a true ('go you!') friendship to me. If a friend expected me to apologize for not responding on their timeline, I'd tell them that since they expect me to (go) jump on their command I suggest they do the same.

It's different with a SO since I do feel a strong sense of responsibility in a committed romantic relationship. I would respond asap to his text even if only to say 'busy, I'll text you tonight'. I like being in regular/daily contact with my SO. If he didn't respond to my messages for reasons beyond the usual busy/bad timing, yeah, that wouldn't feel good.

My ISFP & ENTP friends are both sensitive to how quickly people respond to them. ENTP positively hates (what he perceives as) "being ignored". So I don't think this is an INTJ thing.
This is how I react. Usually it is the other way around from Kaosrevolution - if people get upset at me for perceiving that I am ignoring them, then I get annoyed. If someone I care about is ignoring me, it only catches my attention if I think something might be wrong - I don't get mad about it or offended, but I will try to figure out if they need something from me or are upset. I do this without directly asking because I don't want to put them in a defensive position. Instead I am more attentive than usual, and find out they were just busy or if there is a problem, they tell me on their own (someone who cannot do this, or holds silent grudges and acts out because of them, isn't someone I am going to get close to).
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Thanks everyone for responding so far. I like to see everyones differing opinion, and I'm more under the impression that this is not a MBTI type specific reaction. I've been thinking about it, and on everyones responses, and I think it has more to do with my love languages. Not sure if you guys have heard of those, its another psychological research that I personally enjoy, and see to be even more accurate than MBTI at times. Basically there are 5 love languages that people use to show/receive love, affection, care, show importance, etc. Phsyical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Gifts, and Service. My main one is Quality time. For me, I perceive that someone cares about me when they want to spend time/do spend time with me. And I show others that I care the same way, by wanting to be around them, or spending time with them. So when I send a text or try to start a conversation, it's my way of trying to express this my "love" towards said person, and when it gets ignored or forgotten, it hurts extra bad because it feels like a rejection of my attempt to express my affection towards that person.

I believe that to be more so the reason. And again, I'm saying this about people that are close to me, not just normal friends, or acquaintances, etc. It only really hurts when a very close family member, a very very close friend, or an SO does it.

Does anyone else have an opinion about the love language theory?
 

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Does anyone else have an opinion about the love language theory?
I find the love language theory extremely valid. I'm also the same in having "quality time" as one of my primary love languages - so when my texts get ignored it too feels quite painful, although I rationally understand it's not always personal or intentional.
 
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It depends on the patterns of interaction with the other person. Is it someone whom I usually talk to for long stretches every day or every other day, and they are suddenly ignoring me for days? That doesn't make me feel great, because it's such a deviation from the interaction pattern that it automatically makes me consider if something is wrong. In terms of interaction with people I'm quite the creature of habit.

If it's someone I barely ever talk to, it doesn't make much difference to me. To be fair, I suppose I often ignore purposely, or leave messages until later because I'm not in the mood/in the middle of something and then forget about it. Usually, though, these are people I don't particularly feel bonded with. If it is someone I think I'm close to, I'd usually just tell them I'm busy/don't feel like talking right now and will get back to them later or another day.
 

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We keep our marshmallow fluff inside heavily guarded, so for us to expend energy to talk to someone only to meet a brick wall, is much more disconcerting than it might be for (say) an ENFP or ESTJ or what have you: they *feed* off the interactions, so it doesn't cost them much for a single interaction to fall flat, they'll just move on.

But for INTJs...not so easy.
It's hard to allow ourselves to feel vulnerability, but it's so exciting!
 

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It really depends on who the person is for me.
If it's a close friend, I might think like "Oh you little lazy shit" and forget about it in 3 minutes.
If it's someone that I don't care about,I will probably not even notice.
And if it's someone I want to impress or I am very emotionally invested in him/her (which is a rare thing),then I can take it personally and feel bad for a while
 

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I'm not talking about if just someone random, or someone you just met ignores you. But when someone you feel like you are close to does it. Like a close family member, friend, or significant other.
This is a rather common thing - "family," and I, have never been too interested in one another (&) being ignored / purposeful isolation is preferred - (&) was common. As for S.O., I often suggested they ignore me [and perhaps] find something else to fixate on.

I ways always estatic to be ignored. If not, I would isolate.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I find the love language theory extremely valid. I'm also the same in having "quality time" as one of my primary love languages - so when my texts get ignored it too feels quite painful, although I rationally understand it's not always personal or intentional.
That, exactly. I know rationally why they don't/cannot respond.

It depends on the patterns of interaction with the other person. Is it someone whom I usually talk to for long stretches every day or every other day, and they are suddenly ignoring me for days? That doesn't make me feel great, because it's such a deviation from the interaction pattern that it automatically makes me consider if something is wrong. In terms of interaction with people I'm quite the creature of habit.
It's just that even though rationally I know why, it interferes with this habit, because I'd also say I'm a creature of habit in these situations, and then it just kinda messes up the whole flow of that day.
 

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Thanks everyone for responding so far. I like to see everyones differing opinion, and I'm more under the impression that this is not a MBTI type specific reaction. I've been thinking about it, and on everyones responses, and I think it has more to do with my love languages. Not sure if you guys have heard of those, its another psychological research that I personally enjoy, and see to be even more accurate than MBTI at times. Basically there are 5 love languages that people use to show/receive love, affection, care, show importance, etc. Phsyical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Gifts, and Service. My main one is Quality time. For me, I perceive that someone cares about me when they want to spend time/do spend time with me. And I show others that I care the same way, by wanting to be around them, or spending time with them. So when I send a text or try to start a conversation, it's my way of trying to express this my "love" towards said person, and when it gets ignored or forgotten, it hurts extra bad because it feels like a rejection of my attempt to express my affection towards that person.

I believe that to be more so the reason. And again, I'm saying this about people that are close to me, not just normal friends, or acquaintances, etc. It only really hurts when a very close family member, a very very close friend, or an SO does it.

Does anyone else have an opinion about the love language theory?
You also might want to check the attachment theory.
I imagine people's reaction like this:
a) secure- "I'm fine, I understand they might be busy, I do expect a certain behaviour in a healthy relationship but I won't be preoccupied"
b) anxious- "I sent a text to this person I know 5 minutes ago, they're ignoring me, they hate me, I must have done something wrong"*follows up with more texts, seeks validation
c) dismissive avoidant "I'm fine, I don't care"- no matter what
d) fearful avoidant- a mix of b and c.

Normally, I'm secure, I can rationalise why someone is "ignoring" me (personality, lifestyle, pattern, whatever). Not a big deal. But my "primary" style is fearful avoidant and it shows up exactly when someone I care for ignores/mistreating me.

The difference in love language might be a way to trigger it.
 

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It happens from time to time that the close ones ignore me. It really depends on the problem because if it's just a casual thing I want to share and nobody listens, I can survive. I guess I'll try to find another person and then talk to him/her or show them that thing.
It's a lot of harder if I have personal to tell or want to express my emotions. Then I would become even more closed and reserved, sometimes I ignore that person in return.
 
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