[Xox]

It could be a crush or an ex.

I know INFJ's tend to have long term crushes as opposed to most other types.

Whats the longest admiration/crush you've had for someone? and how did you get over them?

 

[Shale]

Healing in general ... whether it be from a bad situation or friendship I tend to go through my stage of hurt, to feeling numb for a very long time, to acceptance that what happened was supposed to happen. I reflect on that situation and try to learn what ever lesson the universe was teaching me. I take in consideration that somehow the universe was protecting me from that person or situation ... I may not know the reason why and don't need to (perhaps it is protecting me from a future event.) Faith.

 

[Apdenoatis]

Have multiple stories lol but if you want to get to the main point of how I got over two rejections and two ended relationships, skip the spoiler.

 

The first time I really liked someone, it lasted about two years, and he only found out because the dude at the other end of the lunch table just said it and awkwardness just echoed through the whole group. Apparently I was unintentionally fairly obvious with my feelings. I emailed him at some point later to confirm that it was true but he was interested in someone else (ironically, that someone else was a good friend of mine who also liked him but decided not to pursue him because she knew how much I liked him.)
I don't know exactly to what extent I liked him; this was when I was 11. I was pretty let down for about ten hours and then I cheered up and laughed it off, figuring everything would be alright and that rejections happen to people all the time. I was sort of laughing at myself for being kind of ridiculous.

The second time I really liked someone was the year after, during the start of middle school, though I only liked him for a few months before confessing. I was really, really depressed and confused during that time period and was basically in need of someone to trust; fortunately this guy did it well, and though he wasn't the brightest or the most mature, he was very kind, trustworthy, and understanding and though I didn't know it at the time, I was still pretty lucky. We were together for two years until I broke it off because he wasn't talking to me much anymore. But I entered the depressed-confused state again and did some things that pissed him off and exacerbated the situation; I only sort of half-got over it because I had a friend whom I had been talking to for a while who eventually took my mind off things. Time was the medicine for me.

Then I went out with that friend, and it lasted ten months. The whole thing was a real roller-coaster but an extremely valuable learning experience for both of us; he probably gained a lot more from it than I did, as our experiences together pulled him out of severe depression. Things started slowly falling apart seven months in and I was starting to go a bit crazy, becoming very irrational and overly emotional and doing things impulsively. The breakup was rather messy (largely due to my part) and when we finally made the split official, I was constantly switching between states of joyful relief and inconsolable grief. So, I suppose in my usual way, I latched on to someone else (though I had known this guy for two years at that point), and though we didn't talk that much, he gave me stability. And of course, I started liking him, too. When my ex and I were finally in a more stable state a few months later and he wasn't so mad at me anymore, he asked me how I was doing and if I had moved on, to which I answered that I had. We talked a little bit about our old relationship and what we were feeling and what had happened, and it seemed to help both of us. We were never nearly as close to each other as we were back then, but at least we've maintained some level of trust and we still joke and enjoy ourselves in social settings. I never truly got over it until that conversation; I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what went wrong and what happened exactly, and feeling like I finally had some comprehension of everything made me feel better.

As for the new guy I liked, I didn't know him that well because we went to different schools and were often too busy to talk much to one another, but on a somewhat impulsive decision I ended up asking him out anyway. After three weeks he said he was too busy to care but he had never clearly said yes or no; I dropped it entirely and we never brought it up and acted like nothing had happened. We remained good friends, though, and I wasn't that devastated because at that point I had many more friends and he wasn't such a huge part of my life. However, I mentioned it again last week because our friendship seemed strange to me without addressing this past incident, and I'm giving him some time to think.

After the above guy had "rejected" me, though, this other guy who I had become rather close with had started to like me, and inevitably we went out. (getting bored? XD) All the experience I gleaned from my past relationships and rejections were of much help to our relationship, and that's still an understatement. We've been very happily and relatively smoothly together for over a year.

I can't say it's healthy, but I think you see my cycle there lol. I'm still very much in a process of learning.

tl;dr the ways I dealt with rejection and break-ups were: laughing it off and turning to optimistic thoughts, giving things time and talking with someone else to take my mind off things, slowly figuring out exactly what happened in the relationship and getting closure, and opening up my social circle so I wasn't so dependent on one person, and realizing that breakups happen and just looking forward.

 

[Blindfolded Miles]

I cut off communication. Then I spend more time with myself to find my confidence again and reaffirm my strengths. Finally, I find someone else.

I've never had extremely strong feelings for anyone though, so mostly it's just a pride thing. I'm not sure how I would handle it if I loved someone, and they no longer loved me. I imagine that I would try the above steps, but I assume it would be much more difficult.

 

[Austengirl753]

longest crush/obsession was 14-21, no joke. I was best friends with this guy from age 14-17. at 17 we tried dating and it did not turn out well. We were both young and immature and didn't know how to make the awkward transition from best friends, to boy friend and girl friend. then when we broke up we tried to remain friends and finally I think around 21/22 I just cut ties because it was way to hard to spend so much time with him and not have feelings. When I look back I think, had we both been a little older and more mature, we were compatible and enjoyed spending time with each other, so yes maybe it could have worked.
However I think giving myself time and distance was what helped me get over him. Finally I started allowing myself to really give other people a chance (without comparing them to him) and I learned that although, he was great, so were alot of other people. I learned I think, there is not one person out there for everyone. I dont believe in soul mates. I believe many different people of all kinds/types can be happy together with common ground and willingness to work at the relationship. I mean I think there has to be mutual attraction and you have to enjoy one another's company.
Anyway, after the distance I was able to look at the situation more objectively and see that we really were not what was best for each other in the end. I think maybe we could have been good together but I dont think he was what was best for me or I him. Now I am engaged to my wonderful fiancee who I love very much. It's definitely not the perfect relationship because niether of us are perfect people, but I can see now that I am with him, just all the ways we are best for one another. So i think it takes time, emotional distance, and getting to know others. Oh and seeing that your identity is not meant to be wrapped up in one single person. Now Mike (the ex) and I are friends, and we can talk and spend some time together without having feelings, but I think we needed that initial distance. I am glad we remained friends, but I am also glad it never went further than that. I think its ok for two people to not work out, it just shows there may be someone out there who is better for you, yet because you are so emotionally close to the situation you cant see it until later.

 

[Theosophie]

Find the karmic reason for the relationship and accept the lesson. Go back to working on myself instead of thinking about the other person "would have, could have, etc..."

Then, when I work on and start to achieve the spiritual growth I am looking for, that growth makes it much easier for me to get over the relationship and to leave it behind, because I know that I've outgrown it.

And then when it happens, I find I attract different, interesting people in my life. Inevitably, through this process I also end up attracting someone very similar to those in the past as well, which serves as an interesting karmic reminder of how much I've grown.

Maybe it's silly and mystical of me, but I find if you pay attention to the universe, there are patterns and synchronicities and lessons that serve you well, if you wake up and listen.

 

[la_revolucion]

Cut the person from your life. Any contact with them just makes things more difficult.

Then find a way to channel any negative thoughts from the break up into something else. Start a new hobby or resume a new one. Stay busy and avoid mopping at home as much as possible. The worst possible place to be is in your room replaying the entire relationship and where it all went wrong in your head. Stay active and social. These will save you from getting stuck in a negative loop within yourself.

 

[Goldfinch]

Unfortunately for me the only way I have ever been able to get over anyone, crush or relationship, is to find someone new. And that is not always so easy.

 

[Scribbler]

Cutting them out of your life sometimes works.
Finding someone new sometimes works.
Waiting for a long enough time usually works.
But if you see them again after 30 years you might find all the old feelings come straight back at you. Part of us is always still living in some past moment.

 

[33778]

Healing is a long and painful process for me.
I need time and patience to go through it, I need to embrace every feeling, every memory, every moment...every word.
I don´t deny those feelings, if I feel like crying I cry, if I feel like listening to depressing songs until I fall asleep or watching to cheesy movies I do just that and once I am done with that part I am ready to start all over again.
It is painful and stressful but not impossible.
I also have discovered, recently, that talking about it, taking it all outta my system, helps to make the whole process a bit easier.

 

[Fievel]

One day at a time. One day at a time. I often notice it may take me up to 2 years to fully get over somebody. The first year is the hardest, with the deepest pain. The second year I've moved on, but still dealing with the deep scars upon my heart.

 

[Jamie.Ether]

With a trampoline

 

[Somebodylikeyou]

My crushes can unfortunately last for years with limited encouragement.

Strangely, I often end up helping them get together with someone else, even when it kills me inside. I just never feel good enough or want to ruin a friendship. I don't confess and then if they don't, it's over.

My previous crush I held for about four years. I knew he was in love with someone else two of those. I was there when they met and I could see it even before they admitted it to themselves. It was still hard to get over him, but finally when he got married....it just felt truly over. I knew he was happy, truly taken care of, and even our friendship was no longer a mutual need.
At first suddenly having all this free space where my mind had obsessed over him felt empty and upsetting like I had lost a piece of myself. I remember telling my friend when we were in a bookstore (usually the happiest of places for me) "I feel nothing. Not one person could walk through that door and make me feel anything..."
As time went by though I started to feel better. I was free to do whatever the heck I wanted and get to know myself better. True to what people say it was almost as fulfilling as love itself.

Then one day I met an ENFP. I was half way in to describing how amazing he was to a friend when it hit me- "and... oh crap. I have a crush on him." :frustrating:So yeah. I'm pretty close with him, but it's long distance so whenever it's seems right about to happen, we have to separate again. It's been three years...
I'm not sure how I'm going to let go of this one.

 

[elleinsane]

It's one of the hardest, most sad, and tragically beautiful things in the world.

 

[Cotillion]

With a trampoline

or a bridge

 

[Delilah]

I think you just have to feel it. Connect to the (horrific) pain. Let yourself heal. Love yourself through it. Then, divert yourself when you think of them.

That's how I got over it recently.

 

[m_odintosva]

Wow. I try to avoid crushing in the first place because I know it takes me a ridiculously long time to recover from emotional pain. I'm very guarded and try not to let myself get attached. No surprise that I haven't been in a relationship yet.

I have had crushes on people who were friends, and I will echo others that the thing that seemed to work best for me was cutting them out of my life. When I've realized a person isn't for me or isn't interested in me, I try to figure that out quickly and step back before I get too drawn in.

Of course, someday I might be in a relationship and have it end--in that case the only way out is through I guess. I imagine I would have to grieve over that for a really long time.

 

[Female INFJ]

I feel so empty without having someone to care for me. I felt so special. I'll have to read more unto this thread to find out how to restart again.

 

[bubbleboy]

I usually slander them in poetry until I feel better.

 

[Theosophie]

I usually slander them in poetry until I feel better.

Ditto. Unfortunately, the post-breakup time is my most productive writing time. Oh well.