I do my best to accept myself and work on the areas that need improving. These days, I'm much healthy than I previously was. I work at what needs improvement, accept what can't be improved, and take pride in the things I appreciate about myself. My identity is anchored in something permanent (my girlfriend), so that gives me a strong sense of security. That's really how I've survived with my present self.
I will say something that may sound odd though. There was an identity I carried which was the most shameful I ever had and did my best to escape. This was the person I was as a child. Everything about childhood was horrible for me. I was ignorant, a victim, manipulated, gullible, and all of these things that I despise. I had a poor childhood and was mistreated. This probably is the source of my shame. In any case, the name I was labeled at birth was wrapped with so many negative meanings that to hear it made me feel sick. Thinking about who I was brought up unbearable feelings. I wasn't the person I was made to believe I was, but I wasn't really anyone else either. I tried to be a certain way and stick to it for the sake of consistency, but that never worked. Eventually, I became healthier with the help of my girlfriend and did the above. As for this identity that was so pinned to me - I murdered it. Yes, I've become a different person since then, one that feels natural for me and one that feels like "me" for once. I took every piece of that identity that was pinned to me and obliterated it. It may seem excessive, but I ditched (almost) everyone that ever knew that part of me so nothing could remind me of it, I got a legal name change and disassociated myself with that prior label, and I became the person I felt I was inside. Every bit of whatever that identity was, I murdered.
I will say something that may sound odd though. There was an identity I carried which was the most shameful I ever had and did my best to escape. This was the person I was as a child. Everything about childhood was horrible for me. I was ignorant, a victim, manipulated, gullible, and all of these things that I despise. I had a poor childhood and was mistreated. This probably is the source of my shame. In any case, the name I was labeled at birth was wrapped with so many negative meanings that to hear it made me feel sick. Thinking about who I was brought up unbearable feelings. I wasn't the person I was made to believe I was, but I wasn't really anyone else either. I tried to be a certain way and stick to it for the sake of consistency, but that never worked. Eventually, I became healthier with the help of my girlfriend and did the above. As for this identity that was so pinned to me - I murdered it. Yes, I've become a different person since then, one that feels natural for me and one that feels like "me" for once. I took every piece of that identity that was pinned to me and obliterated it. It may seem excessive, but I ditched (almost) everyone that ever knew that part of me so nothing could remind me of it, I got a legal name change and disassociated myself with that prior label, and I became the person I felt I was inside. Every bit of whatever that identity was, I murdered.
