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How do you guys stay so calm all the time

7603 Views 31 Replies 23 Participants Last post by  Skord 76
Hello Type 9s,

I am a very anxious type 6 who really admires the healthy 9's ability to be calm and collected all the time. I wanna know, what is your guys' secret? How do you deal with stress? And what keeps you calm in stressful situation.

I am a way easier person to be around when less anxious, so yes, I want to learn from you guys. Many of you seem to have the answer (or multiple answers). So, how do you stay calm when stressed? I want to learn from you guys- you seem like great teachers.

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Thanks for the replies, everyone. Maybe I have been seeing an illusion of what many of you are actually like, anxiety-wise? I have a lot of admiration for people who know how to stay calm most of the time. After 30 years of this life, I still have a lot to learn.

As for the MBTI comparison mentioned, I am less familiar with this system (but have taken it before and always come out ISTJ- not sure if that is accurate or not).
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Don't be fooled by the 9's outer demeanor. We may appear calm outside, but inside we have either shut down from the conflict to avoid being drawn out into the situation, or we are bottling up all the rage soon to be released by some future trigger.

Of course, if you're a healthy nine, you're entirely present to the situation using your incredible peacemaking ability to mitigate the conflict while at the same time being calm about inside and out.
So most of you aren't like the Dalai Lama, then. :) He is the *epitomy* of calmness, imo.
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I too have received comments that I seem calm, though I was experiencing amazing inner stress. While I'll readily rant over daily annoyances, I do not like to emote *real* stress -- feels too much like spirally out-of-control, but this might be an INTP thing.

However, one main reason I am calm, even bubbly, in general is -- as Sonny outlined so well -- due to several prime assumptions: Everyone has their own opinions, and mine is no more important to others than theirs may be to me, therefore win-win or even compromise is best. When people are unpleasant, it tend to stem from the human foibles & anxieties we all have, therefore compassion & empathy is best. Life is full of the unexpected and uncontrollable, therefore flexibility is best. I rarely place expectations on people or events, therefore am rarely disappointed and always happily surprised by the outstanding and good. Tend not to worry about things out of my control. Tend to avoid dramatic situations /people and deflect /deflate conflict wherever it arises.

I like being intensely alive, but mainly through good food/ music/ exotic travels/ hobbies/ learning, while the fundamental of my life is kept very stable: relationships, job, finances, health.

At its best, E9 perspective verges on the zen. Expect much and be haunted by pain. Expect little, and a mote of dust can bring joy.
That post....amazing. I wish I could adopt this philosophy. This is actually what I'm like when I'm in an altered state of consciousness. Very different person. Anxiety just....leaves.

I wish I could live my life in a state of trance. Unfortunately, that is not sustainable. If it was though...that would be *bliss*.
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Be careful what you wish for. 9s have been known to "sleep through" their lives, reaching an old age and realizing they never went after their true passions or desires. Just let everything slide until there was nothing left...

Anyway, I will reiterate what others have said:

My first reaction to a proposed stress is to stop caring, lower expectations, etc. For instance, I get much less nervous before tests when I feel quite underprepared. I figure there's not much more that I can do, and how much do grades matter anyway? I think of the worst case scenario, but it doesn't bother me because I don't care. Surely everything will end up fine anyway. It's easy to stay calm if I don't care to begin with.

I feel more nervous when I am well prepared because I don't want to mess up. I want to show what I can do. I care. In those situations, I can feel quite anxious, although don't show it on the surface. If I can't force myself to stop caring about it, I start getting very anxious. I often think of worst case scenarios at this stage, while I would remain optimistic at the previous stage. If I can't quench the thoughts and negative feelings, if I can't grasp onto some optimism, it turns into a downward spiral where I shut down. In these situations I may act impulsively, grasping at my "routines"/comforts and hoping they provide me relief. In very intense situations I may feel like I can't physically move. Calmness is synonymous with coma in this case.
I was making a bit of a joke at myself by that statement. :) I can see what you are saying, though, about sleeping through life.

These are all very different points of view- I've never even considered this way of thinking. There is always pressure for me to pick one option over another. But what I see here is that there is a *different* option.

I see a lot of insightful and intelligent things here...
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"Interesting game. The only way to win is not to play."?
That makes a lot of sense, actually. I don't wish to play the game anymore- it is exhausting. Old habits die hard, though.
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