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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
This is both a general question for you and a specific advice question (if you desire to check the spoiler). Whatever your interest: how do you react when someone you're attached to tells you that you're getting too close, and pushes you back, even if they're not pushing you away? EDIT: I shouldn't have titled this "half-rejections"--how sad is that; I was trying to ask if it hurts when other people set boundaries in a relationship. What is the difference, in your mind, between a respectable boundary and an unnecessary one?

 
EDIT: Wow, I put a really confusing story here the first time. Basically, I need to set boundaries in my not-really-a-relationship with an INFJ who's all in; I'm not, yet. I'm trying to figure out how to tell him not to push me to make decisions about my feelings till I'm good and ready. I hope to do that as painlessly as possible, hence this thread.
 

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I feel them as one-and-a-half rejections. To me they say "you can only go this far", only I have to expend twice the usual effort to get the same message.

If we're supposed to be close you could just be direct about it and save me the head trip.
 

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If you don't think I can do any better, just say no. Maybes are almost always noes. I understand you tried to spare my feelings but I'll feel more comfortable around you knowing you're honest than if you lied to me.

@knife Depends what kind of mind game you are talking about.
 

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If someobe new, half rejection means full rejection. If I know the person well, it depends on what they are rejecting me for. Half rejection is still rejection.
 

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@beh.hobbiton I apologize if you felt ganged up on, time to figure stuff out is a normal thing to want if you ask me. But to go back to your story - if it were me I would probably say something like "Look, I take a little more time to figure this stuff out than you do, so 'one day at a time' is the best I can do right now." Or something like that. Maybe that will help?
 

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What is the difference, in your mind, between a respectable boundary and an unnecessary one?
boundaries are like a dance with a horse...because of the sheer size of the animal, you will not let her run you over, so you set a boundary when she gets too close.


similarly, when you come into a horse's space, she shows signs of irritation, you back off and she relaxes.


If I am coming into someone else's space and they set a boundary, I don't believe there is any label I can slap on that entitling her boundary 'good' or 'bad'. It is simply a boundary, and if I respect that person, I respect her boundaries. Same with boundaries I set. Someone who chooses to find ways around or through my boundaries are not respecting me and my space.
 

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Boundaries aren't just physical borders, like when you're dancing into a horse's space or she's coming into yours. Boundaries can be a list of things I will and will not tolerate from others. If a boundary is hard to set and is continually challenged, all the more reason to set that boundary! There is no reason someone else should be manipulating and controlling someone else for their own benefit, and then throwing a hissy fit when their game is squashed.
 

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I am completing the Full-Rejection which he/she was unable to. Sometimes though I give them a sort of time to realize what they are going to loose because some people need more time to think correctly. But it is all hardly depended on the situation, I mean the person I have to deal with...
 

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Whatever your interest: how do you react when someone you're attached to tells you that you're getting too close, and pushes you back, even if they're not pushing you away? EDIT: I shouldn't have titled this "half-rejections"--how sad is that; I was trying to ask if it hurts when other people set boundaries in a relationship. What is the difference, in your mind, between a respectable boundary and an unnecessary one?
It can be hurtful. That being said, I understand the need for boundaries even if I have none. In any case open communication would be respected and the most appreciated.

Aren't all boundaries respectable to the one setting them?

 
EDIT: Wow, I put a really confusing story here the first time. Basically, I need to set boundaries in my not-really-a-relationship with an INFJ who's all in; I'm not, yet. I'm trying to figure out how to tell him not to push me to make decisions about my feelings till I'm good and ready. I hope to do that as painlessly as possible, hence this thread.
For me, you can be as tactful or tactless as you desire; my preference is that you're honest and have respect for the situation from my perspective(because if you were important to me, I would have the same consideration for you). This would leave me with a good impression regardless the outcome.

i.e. I don't think there's anything between us, I don't see us as being friends, I'd rather not keep in contact with you, We should only be friends, I see a possibility but I'm unsure because of xyz, I like you but I'm afraid, etc...

Vulnerability in this case shows a real form of sincerity and that's not something I don't notice or forget easily. I think it shows a certain kind of strength and depth of character. It is admirable.

Mind games? I get it, but I dislike them. There's only so many chances I'll allow myself to play the fool until I think alright, this person isn't capable of being mature and has no ability for any honest open communication. That would leave me with a bad impression and I would lose respect for them(not that they would care).

Usually the time frame/number of steps that door stays open is set well in advance, to prepare myself for my own eventual crash.
 
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I don't give out half rejection. If the word rejection is involved, it's a full rejection (if in a romantic context). Friendship is murkier. If a person wants to be BFF but I only see the person as an acquaintance, there would be a push and pull. Eventually the person may get the hint or I'd be forced to cut ties.

Do I like someone giving me half rejection? NO. I like to define a relationship and have both parties on the same page (be it romantic or friendship). If not, it takes a toll on me.

Relationship changes over time. The individual's ebb and flow can create an illusion of being rejected. Sometimes it's good to ask for clarification and to respect the other party's wish.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 · (Edited)
Maybe I'm confusing people still, since I'm confused myself (both about my situation and about this thread). What is the phrase "mind games" addressing? Is that a reaction to the poor word choice in "half-rejection," or is there something else that seems like a mind game occurring? A large number of posts in this thread included something about mind games: I'd just like to understand.
 

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What is the phrase "mind games" addressing? ... I'd just like to understand.
Well, say you have no interest whatsoever in someone but liked the attention they gave you. So, you purposefully omit information in order to not lie but are also actively hiding the truth. That might be considered mind games.

Everyone is entitled to their own secrets but if you're only thinking about yourself in this regard and have no consideration for the other person, that's pretty distasteful IMO. But everyone has their own standards/values they adhere too or abhor.

There are also social rules/advice given in the context of relationships, and most of them are to protect people from coming across as too desperate/clingy/controlling/manipulative/naive/unstable etc... Or to protect others from getting into bad relationships. These could also be considered mind games as well but are most likely needed in order to filter/weed out potential dangers(case by case). i.e. stalkers, serial killers, con artists etc...

But if you're intentionally always making power plays simply because you need the feeling of power, that's definitely mind games.

All IMHO.
 

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I don't have issues with people setting boundaries. My concern is why they're setting a certain boundary. When I care about someone I want to take care of them the way they want to be taken care of so if that means giving space or slowing down or whatever, I'm ok with that as long as the person is genuine and honest with me.

If your INFJ is healthy and mature, you should be able to simply explain to him what you want and why you want it. If it were me, i'd appreciate the honesty especially if the person is expressive with their genuine feelings for me.
 
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