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How Do You Handle Half-Rejections?

[INFJ] 
2K views 25 replies 16 participants last post by  Sedem 
#1 · (Edited)
This is both a general question for you and a specific advice question (if you desire to check the spoiler). Whatever your interest: how do you react when someone you're attached to tells you that you're getting too close, and pushes you back, even if they're not pushing you away? EDIT: I shouldn't have titled this "half-rejections"--how sad is that; I was trying to ask if it hurts when other people set boundaries in a relationship. What is the difference, in your mind, between a respectable boundary and an unnecessary one?

 
EDIT: Wow, I put a really confusing story here the first time. Basically, I need to set boundaries in my not-really-a-relationship with an INFJ who's all in; I'm not, yet. I'm trying to figure out how to tell him not to push me to make decisions about my feelings till I'm good and ready. I hope to do that as painlessly as possible, hence this thread.
 
#3 ·
I feel them as one-and-a-half rejections. To me they say "you can only go this far", only I have to expend twice the usual effort to get the same message.

If we're supposed to be close you could just be direct about it and save me the head trip.
 
#7 ·
If you don't think I can do any better, just say no. Maybes are almost always noes. I understand you tried to spare my feelings but I'll feel more comfortable around you knowing you're honest than if you lied to me.

@knife Depends what kind of mind game you are talking about.
 
#8 ·
If someobe new, half rejection means full rejection. If I know the person well, it depends on what they are rejecting me for. Half rejection is still rejection.
 
#11 ·
@beh.hobbiton I apologize if you felt ganged up on, time to figure stuff out is a normal thing to want if you ask me. But to go back to your story - if it were me I would probably say something like "Look, I take a little more time to figure this stuff out than you do, so 'one day at a time' is the best I can do right now." Or something like that. Maybe that will help?
 
#13 ·
What is the difference, in your mind, between a respectable boundary and an unnecessary one?
boundaries are like a dance with a horse...because of the sheer size of the animal, you will not let her run you over, so you set a boundary when she gets too close.


similarly, when you come into a horse's space, she shows signs of irritation, you back off and she relaxes.


If I am coming into someone else's space and they set a boundary, I don't believe there is any label I can slap on that entitling her boundary 'good' or 'bad'. It is simply a boundary, and if I respect that person, I respect her boundaries. Same with boundaries I set. Someone who chooses to find ways around or through my boundaries are not respecting me and my space.
 
#14 ·
Boundaries aren't just physical borders, like when you're dancing into a horse's space or she's coming into yours. Boundaries can be a list of things I will and will not tolerate from others. If a boundary is hard to set and is continually challenged, all the more reason to set that boundary! There is no reason someone else should be manipulating and controlling someone else for their own benefit, and then throwing a hissy fit when their game is squashed.
 
#16 ·
Whatever your interest: how do you react when someone you're attached to tells you that you're getting too close, and pushes you back, even if they're not pushing you away? EDIT: I shouldn't have titled this "half-rejections"--how sad is that; I was trying to ask if it hurts when other people set boundaries in a relationship. What is the difference, in your mind, between a respectable boundary and an unnecessary one?
It can be hurtful. That being said, I understand the need for boundaries even if I have none. In any case open communication would be respected and the most appreciated.

Aren't all boundaries respectable to the one setting them?

 
EDIT: Wow, I put a really confusing story here the first time. Basically, I need to set boundaries in my not-really-a-relationship with an INFJ who's all in; I'm not, yet. I'm trying to figure out how to tell him not to push me to make decisions about my feelings till I'm good and ready. I hope to do that as painlessly as possible, hence this thread.
For me, you can be as tactful or tactless as you desire; my preference is that you're honest and have respect for the situation from my perspective(because if you were important to me, I would have the same consideration for you). This would leave me with a good impression regardless the outcome.

i.e. I don't think there's anything between us, I don't see us as being friends, I'd rather not keep in contact with you, We should only be friends, I see a possibility but I'm unsure because of xyz, I like you but I'm afraid, etc...

Vulnerability in this case shows a real form of sincerity and that's not something I don't notice or forget easily. I think it shows a certain kind of strength and depth of character. It is admirable.

Mind games? I get it, but I dislike them. There's only so many chances I'll allow myself to play the fool until I think alright, this person isn't capable of being mature and has no ability for any honest open communication. That would leave me with a bad impression and I would lose respect for them(not that they would care).

Usually the time frame/number of steps that door stays open is set well in advance, to prepare myself for my own eventual crash.
 
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#17 ·
I don't give out half rejection. If the word rejection is involved, it's a full rejection (if in a romantic context). Friendship is murkier. If a person wants to be BFF but I only see the person as an acquaintance, there would be a push and pull. Eventually the person may get the hint or I'd be forced to cut ties.

Do I like someone giving me half rejection? NO. I like to define a relationship and have both parties on the same page (be it romantic or friendship). If not, it takes a toll on me.

Relationship changes over time. The individual's ebb and flow can create an illusion of being rejected. Sometimes it's good to ask for clarification and to respect the other party's wish.
 
#24 · (Edited)
Half rejections are rejections.
But there is a difference between a "maybe one day" (half rejection) and a "yes but you're going too fast". The last one is a totally different case, and in some cases when there is confusion or not knowing what you want, a slow burning can actually help. But don't dangle maybes.

We like having some control, and knowing whether it is or isn't - that helps; maybes don't help at all. I'd rather have my heart broken with a no, than being in a maybe-situation for months. Too many mixed messages, leaves me confused and just screws with my head. it's not a nice thing to do. So I can totally relate with this:

Do I like someone giving me half rejection? NO. I like to define a relationship and have both parties on the same page (be it romantic or friendship). If not, it takes a toll on me.

Someone who wants to go slow and see where we end up, that's fine. At least you're both in, but agree to take it slow and to keep the communication lines open.
But maybes are not ok, i think they're coward and you're putting someone else's life on hold.
 
#18 · (Edited)
Maybe I'm confusing people still, since I'm confused myself (both about my situation and about this thread). What is the phrase "mind games" addressing? Is that a reaction to the poor word choice in "half-rejection," or is there something else that seems like a mind game occurring? A large number of posts in this thread included something about mind games: I'd just like to understand.
 
#19 ·
What is the phrase "mind games" addressing? ... I'd just like to understand.
Well, say you have no interest whatsoever in someone but liked the attention they gave you. So, you purposefully omit information in order to not lie but are also actively hiding the truth. That might be considered mind games.

Everyone is entitled to their own secrets but if you're only thinking about yourself in this regard and have no consideration for the other person, that's pretty distasteful IMO. But everyone has their own standards/values they adhere too or abhor.

There are also social rules/advice given in the context of relationships, and most of them are to protect people from coming across as too desperate/clingy/controlling/manipulative/naive/unstable etc... Or to protect others from getting into bad relationships. These could also be considered mind games as well but are most likely needed in order to filter/weed out potential dangers(case by case). i.e. stalkers, serial killers, con artists etc...

But if you're intentionally always making power plays simply because you need the feeling of power, that's definitely mind games.

All IMHO.
 
#20 ·
I don't have issues with people setting boundaries. My concern is why they're setting a certain boundary. When I care about someone I want to take care of them the way they want to be taken care of so if that means giving space or slowing down or whatever, I'm ok with that as long as the person is genuine and honest with me.

If your INFJ is healthy and mature, you should be able to simply explain to him what you want and why you want it. If it were me, i'd appreciate the honesty especially if the person is expressive with their genuine feelings for me.
 
#21 · (Edited)
My reaction strongly depends on the delivery. I'll take it to heart either way, but depending on the delivery, I will know that I am letting it hurt me farther than it should. Like others said, any form of rejection will probably hurt me and I will retreat to lick my wounds.

For your situation, I'd recommend saying something along the lines of that you want to be sincere and genuine in your relationship and that is why you need to set these boundaries, for when or if they change it will be natural and genuine and will mean much much more.
 
#25 ·
I'd give it thought (and more thought), and likely settle in with it being a full rejection.
I would always be assuming that there were 40 unacceptable things about me not being brought up to add to the one or two that were brought to my attention.
 
#26 ·
I tend to interpret half-rejections as evidence that we don't gel well enough. If I feel like our interaction has to be limited to this and that, then its a dynamic that I don't want to spend my energy on.

However, I'm very comfortable with two people informing each other, freely, what they do and don't respond well to. I think that's very necessary for keeping the air clear between people, and I don't see it as rejection. Rejection is saying, "You can't be this to me," or "You're not allowed past here," or "I don't see you the way you want me to see you," or simply "Stop" & silence. But, all of that is either a matter of dictating what is and isn't acceptable, or it's a matter of misaligned feelings.

If you have to tell me how things need to be, then I needed to be somewhere else 5 minutes ago. Of course, that's for more intimate dynamics. Work relationships are another matter.
 
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