[Priva]

These people are family, so I care about them quite a lot. Otherwise I'd just shout "get away from me!" at the top of my lungs.

Several of my family members are really into hand-holding, hugs, and today one suggested we have "feelings time.":shocked:

I've told them numerous times that I'm a "private person," and that, nothing personal, but, I don't like to be touched much--and yet they still persist!

I'm at a loss here.

 

[rowerrunner]

I struggle with this as well. My family has good intentions when touching me, but they still know that I don't like being touched.

One time, I was out with my parents and we were standing around. I was already in a bad mood because I was sick. My dad lightly touched my arm or shoulder or something, and I immediately, instinctively did this maneuver of twirling away from his hand. He did not like this, thinking it was disrespectful or unkind or something. I got all snarly like "You know I don't like to be touched and I'm sick so it's even worse but you touched me anyway and it's my body so that's that." I hadn't even meant to do it, honestly.

 

[jenteal]

Bop them on the nose with newspaper and say "No!" :tongue:

 

[Delilah]

These people are family, so I care about them quite a lot. Otherwise I'd just shout "get away from me!" at the top of my lungs.

Several of my family members are really into hand-holding, hugs, and today one suggested we have "feelings time.":shocked:

I've told them numerous times that I'm a "private person," and that, nothing personal, but, I don't like to be touched much--and yet they still persist!

I'm at a loss here.

NOT INTJ <sigh> but I am not touchy feely either, except with bf/husband/whatever. Anyway, so how did I stop random family hugging me? I had to be really really obvious about it - eg: "Dont touch my body" in a very cutting /bitchy way. Now they avoid me, which is awesome, they also hate me - which was an extra bonus.

 

[Mikasa]

My sister is extremely touchy-feely. Usually I just stare blankly at her when she wants to hug me for no reason.

 

[birdsintrees]

Random: this reminds me of last night's (old) episode of Two Broke Girls where they are looking at their future cupcake shop and the blonde one goes "OMG WANT A HUG NOW" and the brunette goes "Ok." the awkward silence then drags out and yes.. well it made me laugh anyway.

It's still a laughing matter to my two best friends when they discuss in my presence how long it took them to get me to give 'em a hug without the awkward (>10 years). I think with some people that are very close to me I've become a little bit more relaxed with showing physical affection. People that are not included in that small group really shouldn't get touchy feely with me. I'm more than comfortable telling them clearly it is unwanted and they better go hug themselves or a puppy instead. If they have an issue with that.. not my problem.

 

[Delilah]

@Priva you could fake having leprosy?

 

[EyesOpen]

In your situation, if you've asked and they still do it..that's kind of disrespectful. :-/ I'd maybe even mention like "I've asked a few times and it still happens and it seems like you're not respecting my wishes."

I dunno, I suppose explaining that you understand that this is how they show they care but you don't like it and please stop might work..like acknowledging their feelings or intent behind the gesture?? And then also explain you care about them too and that it doesn't mean you don't care. And then maybe give them an alternative way to express themselves with you? E.g, "letting me know with your words is great!" But sincere, not sarcastic..lol

I dunno if that will really work and not what I'd be naturally inclined to do..I'd probably be more like Delilah said she does lol but if you want to try to be softer about it maybe it would work?

 

[braided pain]

I had to do the pull-away and "hands-off-my-body" like @rowerrunner and @Delilah mentioned to stop the casual touching and unwanted hugs.

I don't mind hugs* from close family, but I always initiate and pull away first.

It took some firmness, and bitchiness with some, but it eventually worked.

And I don't know what to tell you about "feelings time", except run. Run for your life!!!!!





*In fact, I kind of like them when I'm moody. Shh, don't tell anyone.

 

[ilythia]

These people are family, so I care about them quite a lot. Otherwise I'd just shout "get away from me!" at the top of my lungs.

Several of my family members are really into hand-holding, hugs, and today one suggested we have "feelings time.":shocked:

I've told them numerous times that I'm a "private person," and that, nothing personal, but, I don't like to be touched much--and yet they still persist!

I'm at a loss here.

It depends on the person insisting the touchy-feely. If they are important to me, I'm willing to sit out the awkward hug and maybe just think of something else while it's happening. In the name of love.

If I don't know them too well but me striking a good impression with them is important to someone I care about, then I'll also sit it out. In the name of love.

When they're nobodies to me or to anyone I care about, then I can do something subtle like make a slightly disgusted face when they initiate any form of contact. These people care about being socially accepted almost religiously, that any hint that what they are doing is unacceptable to another person (you) can traumatize them enough to stop doing it to you.

EDIT: If you can't help but be in such "feelings time" situations, just treat it as a learning experience. I'm around a lot of feelers a lot of the time so I tend to just study them when I'm with them instead of being driven awkward by their fluffiness.

 

[Aenye]

I leave them for sb else to handle.

I don't go to family reunions.

If business, I merely point out that it's business time and that their feelings, while 'at their place and justified' are irrelevant and reducing efficiency.

 

[rowerrunner]

I'm actually surprisingly affectionate with my cat. I've had her for the majority of my life and we are very close. Anyone who saw me with her would probably never guess I have any problem with human/human contact. It's just different.

 

[Impavida]

My family isn't touchy-feely at all so I lucked out there. Basically, if someone is in my inner circle, I actually don't mind being touched too much. If they're not trusted friends though, I'll instinctively recoil from so much as a hand on my arm. I've pretty much perfected my "fuck off and die" look over the years, so that's usually all it takes to keep people away.

 

[prince_burns]

A cattle prod comes to mind.

 

[pwoita]

Several of my family members are really into hand-holding, hugs, and today one suggested we have "feelings time.":shocked:

ROFLMAO ... "feelings time"

NOT INTJ <sigh> but I am not touchy feely either, except with bf/husband/whatever. Anyway, so how did I stop random family hugging me? I had to be really really obvious about it - eg: "Dont touch my body" in a very cutting /bitchy way. Now they avoid me, which is awesome, they also hate me - which was an extra bonus.

LOL



I have no advice, but I love this thread.
Sorry for your suffering, but thank you for the joy you have given me

 

[Ballast]

and today one suggested we have "feelings time.":shocked:

Yikes. And what does this entail, exactly?

Anyway. I have OCD and that makes touching people especially uncomfortable for me. I think people do manage to get their feelings hurt sometimes but for the most part they understand what it's about. I prefer to be touched in ways I can predict/control and I'd rather initiate it. I'm comfortable enough just saying "don't touch me" to close family and it mostly works out okay. So long as they know it's nothing personal.

 

[VivianeScrooge]

By trying to fix their problems, or ignoring them or trying to listen or plain 'i hate hearing you talk'; I got in to soo many situation due to my insensitivity, though honestly I feel sensitive? Who knows, its always different from the perspective of other people.

 

[lilysocks]

any hint that what they are doing is unacceptable to another person (you) can traumatize them enough to stop doing it to you.

it's terrible how hard this caused me to laugh.

t

oday one suggested we have "feelings time.":shocked:

and also this. you don't say much about them so it's hard to tell how they would take a really hard boundary-setting from you - like, hard enough for them to get the message and know you mean it. offended? severely miffed? hurt? would it wreck the relationship which you clearly care about preserving?

you could try attending their feelings-time thing and givign them a dissertation on how hurt you are that they refuse to listen to you, and how violated you feel. on the other hand, that's not really a serious suggestion, because anyone who would declare a feelings time as if it was an event is probably going to turn that to some kind of account that will leave you feeling intruded on anyway.

i'm inclined to suggest just saying 'i don't like being hugged' in a wooden kind of voice, as many times as it stays necessary, and backing it up. sort of a slow-conditioning thing, probably not going to work for you overnight. with training animals and very small kids, it's the consistency of the message that finally gets it across, not the tone or delivery method. and it's important (often) to just deliver the message and do the best you can to keep any subliminal signals out of it that might reinforce or contradict what you want them to take in. and remember that to most people, ANY form of attention given to something is reinforcement, even if the attention is negative. so squirming, resisting, all that . . . all reinforcement in its own way, if they're that type of personality. so minimize chances of that, as best you can. hence the woodenness ;-)

it might be worth trying, but you know the parties of the other part best, so it's your call.

 

[NT the DC]

I tend to handle them with my wenus.

 

[etranger]

My sister suggested "feelings time" the other day. I fled into the street, and came back two hours later. Not kidding.

Unfortunately, then she cornered me and said that she wanted to talk about the state of our relationship. I told her that the state of our relationship is that if she tries to pry the feels from me, I will continue to avoid her.