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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
How do you know if an Enneagram 3 likes you, if they tend to shy away from intimacy, and don't seem to like having direct conversations about the details of the relationship? They also seem to have many friends and acquaintances, so how do you know if you are "special" to an Enneagram 3? This question applies to both friendships and romantic relationships.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 · (Edited)
*crickets chirping*

Alright Enneagram type 3's (and other Enneatype gawkers), I know it's a lot to ask (you might even have to do some reflection and soul-searching), but I would love to hear some input from some type 3's (or those that are familiar with, and know some type 3's)! I would be so grateful for a response!

I will elaborate more (to see if that helps). I am the type of person who needs to know where I (and others) stand. It gives me great anxiety to not be able to read a person, or understand where and how I fit into their life. Most of my friends make this quite obvious, but type 3's are quite the chameleon's and come across as difficult to read. I'm reading something. . .but I don't know if it's them, or a show they're putting on for me. . .It's very discontenting for me.

I don't want the mask, I want the real person. I don't want you to hang around me, if you don't like hanging around me. I don't like sunshine being blown up my skirt. I want the truth.

I have a type 3 friend whom gives me anxiety, because despite the longevity of our friendship (16+ years), he seems to have a bazillion friends. I'm the type to only have a few friends, so it's easy to see who is important to me, and I would never hang out with someone if I did not enjoy their company (this does not seem as true for him, as I think he's an SO instinctual variant). I've tried to get him to clarify our friendship, but he can be awfully evasive (and honestly, I don't think he's ever taken the time to slow down and think about it himself). I just need to know that I'm important to him, because I invest an awful lot into my relationships, and I don't really want to continue down this path if I'm just another marketing connection to him. I just need some evidence to quell my anxiety.

Here are some clues (that I think are clues):

- He occasionally will take time out of his way too busy schedule to text me, and ask how I'm doing (once in a blue moon, but still).
- He will accept my invitations to hang out, and make room for me in his schedule (or try to fit me in at least).
- I'm pretty emotionally volatile at times, and he has always made a point to be there for me and listen to my emotions (I hear type 3's don't like this, although he's a 3w2 and sometimes comes across a bit 2-ish; especially since he has a whole gaggle of lady friends he does the same thing for).
- We've been friends for 16+ years (although, this could just be because I'm persistent).
- He'll talk to me about "personal" things, and sometimes calls me his "therapist friend" (not sure if that's a compliment or if I'm just there to prop him up on that one; but I hear type 3's don't usually self-disclose to anyone, even if the types of things he's telling me don't seem all that intimate to me).
- He will tell me his feelings if I ask him (asking being key there).
- I guess the fact that he keeps me in his life.

What do you think? Are these signs a type 3 might like a person, or do they just try to be everything to everyone? How do you know you stand somewhere in a SO type 3's life? As a type 3 (or someone who knows a type 3) what signs tell you that you like a person (or that the type 3 in your life likes you or someone else)?

All feedback is appreciated! Please and thank you! :)
 

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Hi! I'm not totally sure if you want to know if your friend considers you a close friend or if he likes you romantically. On the plus side, I'm sure he considers you a good friend and someone he wants in his life, since he makes time for you and is happy to share personal stuff with you... but in my experience/opinion, I'm sorry, but I don't think that those are signs that he likes you in a romantic sense if that's what you're asking. Or at least, it doesn't appear that he wants to be in a romantic relationship with you from the things you've listed. I have openly pursued every person I've been interested in dating. I know you're probably looking for a male 3 perspective, but yeah. If I'm romantically interested in someone, it's generally pretty obvious to them. You wouldn't need to look for signs like the ones you've listed.

As an aside, I once dated a dude who I had a long friendship with who (from the sound of what you've said) probably treated me similarly to the way he's treating you. I looked for and found signs like those you listed above in our friendship. We dated casually for six months, but basically, he was emotionally unavailable and treated me pretty badly. In the end, he cared about me, but it didn't actually matter, and we're barely friends any more. What I'm trying to say is, if someone wants to be in a relationship with you, they'll make it obvious that you're special to them. You won't need to clarify what might or might not be a sign. Hope this helps somewhat. :S
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
@In_The_Fade

You have no idea how excited I got that someone finally responded to this post! Ha Ha! I was all:

:D !!!!!

I was interested in friendship-like (I am married; the friend I speak of is just a long-time friend). After thinking about it for a bit, I had originally thought this friendship brought me anxiety due to his type, and I think that plays into it a little bit. As a type 3, he is quite involved in his work, and is having trouble making anything outside of work a priority (he is only seeing his current girlfriend once a week).

But, I actually think it might boil down more to instinctual variants, after giving it more thought. I believe he is an SO/SX, while I am an SP/SX. I tend to like to know where I stand (might be the 6-wing in me), and also only hold a few close friends that I would go to the mats for, and mean a whole awful lot to me. He seems to have an expansive network of friends, and seems to treat everyone the same (no one is "special" or more important than another in his network; at least not from an emotional stand-point, and at least not that I can tell). All of that makes me nervous (not knowing where I stand).

I also get nervous, because it's hard to tell where he stands (which I think is associated with his type 3-ness). He tends to wear a lot of masks, and gives off the impression that he likes and is friendly with everyone and everything. It's just really hard to get a "read" on him (even for those who are intimate and close with him). He does not wear his heart on his sleeve, that's for sure.

I think your second paragraph does speak to something more important though (that I sometimes struggle with). I think what you're saying is true, and that I should not have to guess and check if someone was a good friend. It's just hard for me to let people go, especially someone I've been friends with for so many years. Plus, I feel like this is an issue that many people have with him, and he's just going through some unhealthy type 3 funk. It's hard to say. . .
 

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Haha I'm glad! Sorry for the confused response, thanks for clearing up that you were talking about friendship. I'm not sure why you're feeling anxious about this friendship and feeling like you want to let it go... what do you need from the friendship that you're not getting? Is it that you're the one who always initiates catching up and things like that? I know I get annoyed when I feel like I'm doing all the work to keep a friendship going. Anyway. I think if you identify what behaviours of his are specifically making you feel anxious/unsure about the friendship, then you can approach him with the standard "I feel _____ when you ___." That way it will give him an opportunity to explain the behaviour and/or change it. And you can judge from his response whether it's worth your effort to continue the friendship.

I know the above is all general, but on a type-related note, if you choose to talk to him about this, don't expect him to be able to answer immediately. I find emotional conversations difficult because I often genuinely don't know how I feel about something, and then once I figure it out, I find it hard to express. Sometimes when pressured to say things straight away I can tend to talk around the point and blurt random things out that aren't quite what I mean. So he also might need a bit of time to think about what you've said. I think that might be a 3 thing anyway, though to add the usual disclaimer it could just be me haha.
 

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Huh? Oh sorry I was too busy working and being productive I forgot to answer.

In the same manner anyone else would show affection? I know when I'm interested, I don't hesitate to pursue. I also don't hesitate to cut and run when I'm no longer interested.

I'm pretty straightforward about it... I'll tell you directly and gauge your reaction.
 

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lol, with me if i like you you really have no choice in the matter.....
i'm the type to show up with everything you'd ever need.
like, if i decide to pursue you...you'd have a hell of a time saying no.
i'd show up with money, flattery, confidence....
like it's not beyond me to show up in a helicopter in your front yard just to ask you out.
i'd be like "you tryna have lunch in nyc or la or miami or where? decide quickly, the pilot is waiting."

we do things big. "good enough" is not in our vocabulary. we only know great.

we are legends, if only in our own minds lol
 

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*crickets chirping*

Alright Enneagram type 3's (and other Enneatype gawkers), I know it's a lot to ask (you might even have to do some reflection and soul-searching), but I would love to hear some input from some type 3's (or those that are familiar with, and know some type 3's)! I would be so grateful for a response!

I will elaborate more (to see if that helps). I am the type of person who needs to know where I (and others) stand. It gives me great anxiety to not be able to read a person, or understand where and how I fit into their life. Most of my friends make this quite obvious, but type 3's are quite the chameleon's and come across as difficult to read. I'm reading something. . .but I don't know if it's them, or a show they're putting on for me. . .It's very discontenting for me.

I don't want the mask, I want the real person. I don't want you to hang around me, if you don't like hanging around me. I don't like sunshine being blown up my skirt. I want the truth.

I have a type 3 friend whom gives me anxiety, because despite the longevity of our friendship (16+ years), he seems to have a bazillion friends. I'm the type to only have a few friends, so it's easy to see who is important to me, and I would never hang out with someone if I did not enjoy their company (this does not seem as true for him, as I think he's an SO instinctual variant). I've tried to get him to clarify our friendship, but he can be awfully evasive (and honestly, I don't think he's ever taken the time to slow down and think about it himself). I just need to know that I'm important to him, because I invest an awful lot into my relationships, and I don't really want to continue down this path if I'm just another marketing connection to him. I just need some evidence to quell my anxiety.

Here are some clues (that I think are clues):

- He occasionally will take time out of his way too busy schedule to text me, and ask how I'm doing (once in a blue moon, but still).
- He will accept my invitations to hang out, and make room for me in his schedule (or try to fit me in at least).
- I'm pretty emotionally volatile at times, and he has always made a point to be there for me and listen to my emotions (I hear type 3's don't like this, although he's a 3w2 and sometimes comes across a bit 2-ish; especially since he has a whole gaggle of lady friends he does the same thing for).
- We've been friends for 16+ years (although, this could just be because I'm persistent).
- He'll talk to me about "personal" things, and sometimes calls me his "therapist friend" (not sure if that's a compliment or if I'm just there to prop him up on that one; but I hear type 3's don't usually self-disclose to anyone, even if the types of things he's telling me don't seem all that intimate to me).
- He will tell me his feelings if I ask him (asking being key there).
- I guess the fact that he keeps me in his life.

What do you think? Are these signs a type 3 might like a person, or do they just try to be everything to everyone? How do you know you stand somewhere in a SO type 3's life? As a type 3 (or someone who knows a type 3) what signs tell you that you like a person (or that the type 3 in your life likes you or someone else)?

All feedback is appreciated! Please and thank you! :)
6s take a LOT of time and energy. That he exercises time with you, no matter how much you compare that time with time he spends with others- you mean something important to him. Being a 7, you probably don't want confrontation to *really* get into your 6 tendencies... so really, you need to trust. (Yeah, I know.)

Asking a 3 to rank you in their friendship is really alien as a concept to me as an ENFP 3w2. Like seriously- ALL the friends. ALL the love.

Where's an ENTJ? They're more comfortable with distinctions.
 

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I'm joining this pretty late-ish I guess. PerC is being mean and keeps using way too much time to load. I have better things to do.

Anyways, when I like someone I'm pretty straight forward, I'll actively pursue that person. I'll also be quick to leave or draw away if I lose interest. Not sure if this based on my 3ness or my ENTPness though. I guess it can be similar for both.

But I would not spend time with someone whom I'm not interested in. That's for sure. Cause spending time with others means I will have to make an effort to make the time to do so. So if I bother to make the time (unless it's for really "important" family stuff where me not showing up would reflect badly on me.) you can be assured that I do so because I want to and have an interest in doing so.
 
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