Past 3 years or so..... I've felt ...... it's complicated. But..... I don't use my feelings as much..... I question them.... constantly..... I deeply question their validity. I don't question them as much as I used to..... but I still use logic to tell me that. Like I know logically feelings have value and they have reliable things to say. But actually FEELING that.... I still haven't achieved yet. It's like I'm learning to be INFP all over again. I've used Te for such a long time to be the ultimate decider in decisions. I know that when I ignore my feelings..... my Fi to be specific...... and I rely on logic..... the feelings turn negative..... like a child who wants attention. BECAUSE the Fi is negative..... I rely more on Te...... which ridicules Fi for being negative and reinforces my dependence on Te.
I know this. I know this with my head.... but not with my heart. I've forgot how to use my heart. In so doing my feelings have flat lined and I no longer know what I feel...... I do but I don't..... it's filtered through the logic detector. I have become a very stressed.... very serious...... very dependent on control individual. I am disoriented..... forgotten how to function like a normally do. It's been years since i trusted my feelings to guide my life. Their negativity after I ignored them.... scares me...... I am afraid of going back to that..... though I know it is not a rational fear because the only reason they were negative was because in fact distrusted them..... at least I think.... I hope...... see what I mean? Right there. I distrusted my feeling/intuition. I don't trust myself. That's my problem.
My closest friends get annoyed at me because I also say "I don't know" when they ask me why I think something or why I am feeling some way. Because I don't know if it is logical. What.... the fuckkkk. They SHOULD be annoyed because obviously my feelings are not logical..... BUT they are right.... in that they are my feelings and I feel this way.
I think after past experiences/friends/girlfriends my past has come to let me believe that logic in fact is better than feeling. Undoing that paradigm within me is hard..... it's hard to do with my head... and ever harder to do with my heart. But that's where the truth lies. That's what I am looking for.... my heart.
I know this. I know this with my head.... but not with my heart. I've forgot how to use my heart. In so doing my feelings have flat lined and I no longer know what I feel...... I do but I don't..... it's filtered through the logic detector. I have become a very stressed.... very serious...... very dependent on control individual. I am disoriented..... forgotten how to function like a normally do. It's been years since i trusted my feelings to guide my life. Their negativity after I ignored them.... scares me...... I am afraid of going back to that..... though I know it is not a rational fear because the only reason they were negative was because in fact distrusted them..... at least I think.... I hope...... see what I mean? Right there. I distrusted my feeling/intuition. I don't trust myself. That's my problem.
My closest friends get annoyed at me because I also say "I don't know" when they ask me why I think something or why I am feeling some way. Because I don't know if it is logical. What.... the fuckkkk. They SHOULD be annoyed because obviously my feelings are not logical..... BUT they are right.... in that they are my feelings and I feel this way.
I think after past experiences/friends/girlfriends my past has come to let me believe that logic in fact is better than feeling. Undoing that paradigm within me is hard..... it's hard to do with my head... and ever harder to do with my heart. But that's where the truth lies. That's what I am looking for.... my heart.