[Angel1412kaitou]

Exactly what it says, how do you manage to start a conversation with an INFJ?
Any details would be nice, like facial expression, body posture, etc, although it's unlikely I'll be able to force myself to act in a way that feels artificial.

Thanks in advance!

 

[penchant]

Ok. I made you start this thread, so I should go first...

At its most basic, for me, its about feeling that I matter to you, and that you are really interested in communication and relating, not just someone to goof around with or someone you can talk at without really caring about. I can stand those people too, but never share much of myself with them.

What I've noticed make me feel warm inside immediately is someone looking me straight in the eyes when listening to me (though not necessarily when talking to me), not interrupting me, and not being afraid to ask direct and specific questions.

The best thing to get a conversation going with me, would be to start off with something that I feel confident about talking. At the same time, something too trivial will not interest me (Yes, I know I'm hard to please...) so try choosing a topic you know I relate to. If you don't know me, go for something obvious from the context but keep it to ideas, principles and relations if possible. Sharing your own feelings, would help me a lot in talking about my own, but don't make me talk about my own feelings unless I want to.

And not going too quickly about it. I need time to process everything you say, and mentally double check everything I want to say, so just babbling away won't get you anywhere with me. Keep it steady and at a moderate pace. And did I say eye contact is very important, and really all kinds of non-verbal communication. Put in a big dose of positive feedback on whatever I say, and you're probably there.

Hey, this was fun writing... :crazy:

 

[CyberSheep]

"Excuse me, do you know if there is a really good bookshop around here somewhere? I've been to X and Y downtown, but I didn't quite find what I was looking for. You see, what I'm looking for is something in the vein of the story of Lazarillo de Tormes, or maybe the short stories of Leonid Andrejev. Don't know if you've heard of Andrejev - he's not very well known, unfortunately - but his writing is a bit like Dostojevskij's, only a bit darker. I'd really like to find a shop where it's possible to get lost among all sorts of interesting books..."

Ask me a question like that, and my response will be: "I'll take you there!" (what I actually would like to say, is "Marry me!" :laughing

Don't try to "act" - it doesn't work, but do get us involved in a conversation about something we're interested in - that's an easy way to find out who we are :blushed: But as everyone else, regardless of MBTI type, if you smile to us that's always A Good Thing!

 

[ertertwert]

I hate talking about social bullshit (work, shopping, tv) but love talking about ideas. The more abstract the conversation, the better.

 

[CyberSheep]

Totally agree on the work, shopping and TV thing!
Once I had to attend a party (job related), and I went into infj stealth mode (trying to act at least a little bit social), but after a couple of hours I just gave in and when approached by people smalltalking, I gave them a big smile and three options: "So, what are we gonna talk about, eh? The Job, The Boss, or The Car?" That line worked quite well, actually :laughing:

 

[Miss Tfy]

How do you pick a conversation with an INFJ? You don't think about it. You say whatever is on your mind and the INFJ is waiting in the wings to assist, whether you desire a shoulder to cry on, advice or just friendly banter x

 

[vel]

There was thread I remember replying to some months ago on these forums where a guy was asking how to start conversations - I advised him to just come up to people and say, "Excuse me, I was just just sitting there and wondering how do two people start a conversation?" xD ... If somebody was to come up to me and ask me this they'd immediately catch my attention. It is an open ended question that gives me an opportunity to creatively answer or even make a joke myself. I have a little weirdness radar going on that picks up anything slightly off the conventional. Small convention talk I perform in the worst - slightly weird/creative topics the best.

INFJ is the Asker type in conversations - we rely on questions to start or continue the conversation. INFP is Declarative type. So usually it is easy to get conversations going in way that INFP states something and INFJ asks questions or continues trying to get a dialogue on. This is one of the reasons I find it easy to talk with INFPs or other declarative types for that matter.

Askers
- tendency to dialogue
- much of what an askers says seems more question-like, even statements
- always, as the other person talks, affirm the receipt of information with yeah, mhm, etc.
- call talk to an audience as a whole very well
- starts talking at times expecting someone to get interested and start paying attention
- has a tendency to interrupt and feels comfortable pausing half way on the speech and with "questions allowed all the time" way, returning to what was said later if necessary
- quite often asks a non-rhetorical question and answers it himself
- often just asks questions to fill in time, without serious need to actually find the information asked

Declarers
- tendency to monologue
- much of what a declarer says seems more statement-like, even questions
- listens attentively and silently to others' speeches to return to a long speech
- finds it easier to talk to one person at a time
- before starting to talk, first ascertains that attention is grabbed
- is very patient in terms of others speeches in terms of letting finish
- prefers to finish the speech before letting others talk, likes closure and that their point was conveyed
- questions are often either rhetorical or only strictly motivated by serious need for certain information

 

[Alaya]

I'm going to be seen as an asshole saying this but it usually bugs me when people talk to me if it wasn't planned beforehand. Like I have no problem talking about a subject when I'm in class since there is topic that is being discussed and is easy for me to ask questions and comment about such subject.

However, if I'm just sitting down minding my own business and then someone approaches to ask me something,I'll be more than happy to assist them, but if they keep asking me mindless questions just for the sake of conversation, that's when I begin to get irritated and wishing that they would just leave me alone.

This might explain why I'm a loner :blushed:

 

[MissNobody]

There was thread I remember replying to some months ago on these forums where a guy was asking how to start conversations - I advised him to just come up to people and say, "Excuse me, I was just just sitting there and wondering how do two people start a conversation?" xD ... If somebody was to come up to me and ask me this they'd immediately catch my attention. It is an open ended question that gives me an opportunity to creatively answer or even make a joke myself. I have a little weirdness radar going on that picks up anything slightly off the conventional. Small convention talk I perform in the worst - slightly weird/creative topics the best.

INFJ is the Asker type in conversations - we rely on questions to start or continue the conversation. INFP is Declarative type. So usually it is easy to get conversations going in way that INFP states something and INFJ asks questions or continues trying to get a dialogue on. This is one of the reasons I find it easy to talk with INFPs or other declarative types for that matter.

Askers
- tendency to dialogue
- much of what an askers says seems more question-like, even statements
- always, as the other person talks, affirm the receipt of information with yeah, mhm, etc.
- call talk to an audience as a whole very well
- starts talking at times expecting someone to get interested and start paying attention
- has a tendency to interrupt and feels comfortable pausing half way on the speech and with "questions allowed all the time" way, returning to what was said later if necessary
- quite often asks a non-rhetorical question and answers it himself
- often just asks questions to fill in time, without serious need to actually find the information asked

Declarers
- tendency to monologue
- much of what a declarer says seems more statement-like, even questions
- listens attentively and silently to others' speeches to return to a long speech
- finds it easier to talk to one person at a time
- before starting to talk, first ascertains that attention is grabbed
- is very patient in terms of others speeches in terms of letting finish
- prefers to finish the speech before letting others talk, likes closure and that their point was conveyed
- questions are often either rhetorical or only strictly motivated by serious need for certain information

Askers
- tendency to dialogue - Don't know

- much of what an askers says seems more question-like, even statements - I think I do this

- always, as the other person talks, affirm the receipt of information with yeah, mhm, etc. - Definitely I often notice my head bobbing up and down haha and I say yeah a lot.

- call talk to an audience as a whole very well - Usually if I'm with a group of people I will try to involve them in the conversation.

- starts talking at times expecting someone to get interested and start paying attention - Not sure

- has a tendency to interrupt and feels comfortable pausing half way on the speech and with "questions allowed all the time" way, returning to what was said later if necessary - No, I usually wait until the person has finished speaking because I like others to let me finish speaking so I know how frustrating it can be.

- quite often asks a non-rhetorical question and answers it himself - Not sure

- often just asks questions to fill in time, without serious need to actually find the information asked - If I feel there is silence in the room then I will ask questions to get the conversation going again.

Declarers
- tendency to monologue - Don't know

- much of what a declarer says seems more statement-like, even questions - More questions than statements I think.

- listens attentively and silently to others' speeches to return to a long speech - Yes

- finds it easier to talk to one person at a time- I prefer conversations one to one but if we are a group of people I will try to look at everyone to involve them.

- before starting to talk, first ascertains that attention is grabbed - Yes, nothing annoys me more than talking to someone who isn't listening!

- is very patient in terms of others speeches in terms of letting finish - Definitely

- prefers to finish the speech before letting others talk, likes closure and that their point was conveyed - Yes definitely, although if someone butts in I will allow it because I don't want to raise my voice in order to dominate. I will just feel put out and slightly annoyed that they cut me short.

- questions are often either rhetorical or only strictly motivated by serious need for certain information - Not sure depends on the situation.

 

[Navis Amoris]

Same way as an INTJ: you choose a topic the INFJ is passionate about and they won't be able to shut up about it, and try to show you the merits of their point of view regarding the matter.

 

[Humilis Curator]

I know for me, I pick up on things really easy which is a common INFJ trait and we also don't like it when people act fake, it sends off red flags for us. Just act yourself and be happy, when someone talks to me and they are awkward and strange I don't mind it at all. When someone acts fake though it makes my INFJ bullshit radar start pinging.

We love kind people, just be kind and be nice and really listen to us and try your beast to understand us. Listen attentively and be polite, we dig that stuff, its oh so easy to do just not many people do it a lot.

We are sensitive to people if you give off vibes even if they are unintentional that you aren't enjoying talking to us we will kind of shy away.

For the most part we are extremely polite and cordial we are really easy to talk to once the ice has been broken unless something happens that makes our INFJ radar start going off in a negative way.

Good luck in your conversations with INFJs!

 

[ertertwert]

"Excuse me, I was just just sitting there and wondering how do two people start a conversation?"

I love this!! :crazy:

 

[Jwing24]

Introduce yourself and say a few things about yourself to give me a chance to settle in and think of a few things to say? That's my take, but usually if I seem unapproachable (which is often) people prefer to just talk to someone else rather than start a convo with me.

 

[Goaty]

Don't force a conversation; let it flow naturally. The worst conversations consist of a sense of obligation to fill the silence.

 

[SyndiCat]

It's difficult to keep a conversation open with someone I'm attracted to, otherwise it flows naturally for me. I'll talk about anything. Thing is, I don't know what the opposite part is thinking, and that's what's troubling me. They might consider 'not' having a conversation as boring or bad, or they might be hurting, or I might have said or done something to offend or hurt them which has ultimately resulted in them liking me less but they're not expressing it because they don't want to hurt my feelings by saying it, and so on and so on and so on, my mind wanders endlessly like this, thinking about all the bad possiblities.

When someone says "If we talk, we talk. If we don't, we simply enjoy eachother's company," I'll relax a bit more.

 

[SuperunknownVortex]

I turn to the INFJ, and I say, "Help. I'm suffering, and I need help from someone with a god-complex."

To which the INFJ will reply, "No need to fear. Super(wo)man is here!"

 

[Linus]

If you don't know what to talk about, the easiest thing to do would be to join a class and find your infj there.. You then have at least one thing in common. I find I also loosen up quite a bit when I do things with other people and talk easier. You can stick to the activity and the class, we're probably already having a 'conversation' with you even if it's not said aloud. Lots of things can be said in body language, tone of voice, which we all take in... I'm into art type classes because I am interested in knowing what other people are interested in and you can discover a lot about a person just by looking at their work, what colours they choose, subject matter (which again, another means of nonverbal communication).

 

[SarahWilliams]

I would recommend the standard: smile, and ask 'how are you?'

agree with Vel that we ask lots of questions, so feeding information is a must. i actually do best when someone starts a topic, and then i just pepper them with questions and respond with my own anecdotes.

i would add that we are excellent at one-on-one communication (especially if we are putting lots of effort into it) so the conversation wouldn't be too strained.

 

[penchant]

i would add that we are excellent at one-on-one communication (especially if we are putting lots of effort into it) so the conversation wouldn't be too strained.

Yeah, that reminded me of another thing that would really bother me if I were talking to you. I would notice the difference if you don't give me and our conversation your full attention (thinking about something else, not being yourself but just making conversation, talking to other people at the same time). All those interruptions break my flow... I hate myself when I do that to others, it's so inconsiderate.

I would recommend the standard: smile, and ask 'how are you?'

Of course! So simple, so beautiful!

 

[penchant]

INFJ is the Asker type in conversations - we rely on questions to start or continue the conversation. INFP is Declarative type. So usually it is easy to get conversations going in way that INFP states something and INFJ asks questions or continues trying to get a dialogue on. This is one of the reasons I find it easy to talk with INFPs or other declarative types for that matter.

Askers
[...]

Declarers
[...]

That's Socionics right?

I ask, not because I mind socionics per se, but because I think it should be clear when we are talking about it. Alos, most of these questions seem to view the INFJs as more in need of external structure and closure than the INFPs, but I'm not so sure that applies in social situations. I think of Fi as more in need of having positive feelings about conversations, and Ni less worried about the outcome - which goes against the stereotypes of P/J. Feel free to disagree... :happy: