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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
As an INFP, I feel pain when I have the slight suspect of someone dissing / understimating me.
There are some days in which I can apply the art of NGAF, but those are few.

80% of the time, I feel physical pain when I think :

a) Someone thinks I'm crazy
b) Someone laughs at me
c) Someone ignores me

Is it something we can overcome ?
 

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I hope so

Evolution taught us that emotions are for the most part, something to put aside if you want to be useful, respected or taken seriously, or survive. They serve no purpose other than clouding vision and rejecting actual real useful data
Logic rules, logic is telling you to dismiss the opinions of others.. But INFPs lack this ability
 

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How do I react? Excellent question. Because I rarely do react externally in kind to external overt "judgments" nowadays. At least most of them. A raised eyebrow of intrigue, perhaps? Calm agreement, or painful (shame/ embarrassment/ humiliation/ fear/ etc.) agreement. Or flat out egoic denial.

Besides whatever I could draw from Mark Manson's NGAF (or maybe I still am drawing from it), I think there's a factor of self-image/belief/acceptance-confidence at play with regards to external reactivity. Ego defenses/reactions and whatnot imply that one believes such judgments on a subconscious level, hence the emotional reaction. No matter how "instinctive" or "automatic" the emotional reaction is, it's still a by-product of a thought, a deeply sunconsciously held thought, that responds with pain, shame, whatever. The ego consciously reacts to defend with whatever shame/fear/anger associated with the trigger. I haven't been judged in a while, not in a direct manner, so I may not even know. And I'm usually too busy trying to compare positions for insightful opportunities to refine my opinions/beliefs. All judgments give insight to a person's internal motivators and value systems. So it's a way for me to learn about people, no matter how tiny of a sip it may be, no matter how potentially large the margin for error may be. I won't say I am usually right about what people believe until I really get to know them.

IDK. Getting judged doesn't change me at all, just reveals a little about said person. I don't see where the need to react comes from.

This applies to mentions of my craziness (which I am),

laughter at my expense (which may be funny for me too; I'm a dolt more often than not),

or being ignored (evidence they are concerned with their own self-interest which doesn't quite register me at the present moment).

Painful internal reactions are opportunities for me to psychoanalyze myself and learn more about my vulnerabilities and subconscious belief systems (BS). Embrace the pain, feel the burn, as they say. No pain no gain (??).

Kachow! :cool:
 

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As an INFP, I feel pain when I have the slight suspect of someone dissing / understimating me.
There are some days in which I can apply the art of NGAF, but those are few.

80% of the time, I feel physical pain when I think :

a) Someone thinks I'm crazy
b) Someone laughs at me
c) Someone ignores me

Is it something we can overcome ?
It's definitely something to be overcome. The more confidence you have in your own personhood, and knowing that it doesn't change due to the responses of others (good or bad), the easier it'll be for you to not care when someone judges you.

In these different situations, for me:

a) Usually people call me crazy when I'm operating on a different 'mental plane' than they are, and they can't understand what I'm going on about. Doesn't really bother me, because at least I know! If it's something heavier, I'll 'reroute' and explain things as clearly as I can. If not, I just smile smugly. :tongue:

b) Truthfully, this one and A are closed related. I'll usually laugh too though, because if someone is laughing at me and I'm not laughing first, I don't understand what's been found amusing, but it's funny to think that my very existence tickles someone. :smileys-sunbathing-

c) I just make a mental note not to engage with the person first the next time around, or avoid them in the future.
 

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It's definitely something to be overcome. The more confidence you have in your own personhood, and knowing that it doesn't change due to the responses of others (good or bad), the easier it'll be for you to not care when someone judges you.

YAAAASSSS PREACH!

In these different situations, for me:

a) Usually people call me crazy when I'm operating on a different 'mental plane' than they are, and they can't understand what I'm going on about. Doesn't really bother me, because at least I know! If it's something heavier, I'll 'reroute' and explain things as clearly as I can. If not, I just smile smugly. :tongue:

Ooooo I wanna know of these different mental planes. What if we are on similar wavelengths??? :blushed:
Kachow! :cool:
 

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Hmm for the second one, I do or say things that are completely reasonable ( :tongue: ), but others think quite the opposite! I've started cataloguing them this year so...

1) Had a good half hour discussion about the esophagus voluntarily being controlled when swallowing liquids so that I don't get hiccups from drinking too fast. She playfully called me a witch because she has no idea how I do that, even though it's a pretty logical thing to me....other than being slow to drink in the first place!

2) A lot of people I know work for my school, and somehow they all contact me through one number saved as [William Rolle] *just a pseudo-name*. I made a comment about people calling me without introducing themselves, and thinking I would recognize their voice, but I don't even have them saved in my contacts, smh. A couple of friends bust out laughing and told me I was so crazy / rude, but isn't it logical to say your name if you call someone?? :laughing:

3) I was waiting in line with a friend for food, and complained about the noodles (it was a buffet) not being fresh, and wanting to wait until they replaced them (the noodles were being cooked as we spoke). She laughed and said I was so snooty in my faux fur coat, complaining about noodles being lukewarm or hot, but the only thing I was worried about was getting the most out of the money I was spending on lunch in the first place!

There's many more instances [and there will be more surely], but it's just the way I operate that seems to kill people lol! I would say I laugh at people more for their convoluted ways, and they laugh at me more for my 'convoluted' (read: SIMPLE) ways. We rarely laugh together. :wink:
 

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To answer your Q, op, yes this is something you can overcome to a significant degree. I know cause I've done it. However, I'm by no means cured, and I don't think I ever ever ever will, because my ideal self and ideal world are subconscious, and the subconscious is the first aspect of oneself that reacts to environment a lot of the time (not all of the time).
But it absolutely can get much much better.

How I react depends on who the person is.
For some reason, when my loved ones judge me it doesn't affect me. Probably it's because I believe they love me unconditionally regardless of the judging. Loved ones are basically my parents, my sister, my sister's husband and a SO. Also, if they're judging my belief system or political stands, I just can't pay attention because I believe that my loved ones are dumb sheep and uneducated (no joke, my parents are really really dumb people). So that right there... I can't be affected even if they paid me.
I'm more likely to listen to my sister's husband cause he's intelligent and is always educating himself, so if he judged something about me, I would ask him questions because maybe he knows something I don't know, and his knowledge might be beneficial for me.

So whether I respect the other person's intellect or not, that plays a huge role.

Then people outside that group, they affect me in different ways and it's a case by case thing.
There's people who, when they judge me, they present themselves as an elite, and as if I'm below them. These people trigger immense rage inside of me. My strategy is usually to avoid them completely, pretend they don't exist. They can't have an effect on me in terms in self-doubt because I don't respect them to begin with.
Then there's other people who judge a part of me, but they make it clear that they're not judging me as a whole person. So I get my belief system judged, or my dietary choices, or my morality, etc. In this case it seems very logical what they're doing -judging a thing without making me a bad person or something- so with these people I could go either of these ways: not care at all, or get curious and get closer to them and ask question so I can evaluate what I'm doing.

Whenever I'm judged, my first instinct is to think "Omg WHAT IF they're right?"
I think that INFPs tend to have low self-esteem because we are always willing to think that we are not in possession of Ultimate Truth, and that maybe we are missing data in our archives, and maybe other people possess some Truth, so we get doubtful, we question ourselves endlessly, and it's all about what if what if what if. What if I've been doing it wrong all along. What if I've had a shitty belief system all along. What if I'm actually not talented. Etc etc etc. Always searching for The Truth.
So being judged in certain circumstances will trigger my What If, and makes me think "Am I wrong and are they right?" and I must stop to evaluate myself. This stopping & evaluating is not a decision I make, it's automatically done in my brain. What is a decision is to tell myself "Hey, chill, stop introspecting so much, stop searching for this Ultimate Truth, relax".

Over time, I trained myself to get this decision making into more subconscious (automatic) territory. And also chose to integrate into my belief system that I don't have to be perfect, and if I don't make sense to other people, or if I harm someone (which is always by accident), that I don't have to walk on my knees repenting metaphorically speaking. So train your mind into a new belief system that is kinder. INFPs are their own worst judger.

I think we all want to be coherent in our belief systems, and we want to make the right choices, etc etc so if someone points out that we're believing or doing something horrid, well, the mission is to not be so quick to be horrified at how we show up in the world. If I screw up, okay. Didn't do it on purpose, so let's just chill. (But I'll probly go to a corner to evaluate myself in search of The Truth, damn can't help it at the end of the day).
 

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I guess I do a quick internal check to see if there is truth in what they say. If there is, I then do another check to see if this falls into the “working on it” category, the “well it’s true but I LIKE this about myself” category, or the “true but I can’t change this and have accepted it” category.

It always pains me if people don’t like me, even if I honestly don’t like them. But with most people, this does not impact my self-esteem. This is part of the core of who I am so I don’t really try to change it, but I’ve learned not to ruminate about it.

There are a small number of people (husband, mother, maybe 2 friends) whose negative judgment of me would cause me extreme grief, much soul-searching, and the need for an action plan to either improve myself or try to find common ground.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Whenever I'm judged, my first instinct is to think "Omg WHAT IF they're right?"
I think that INFPs tend to have low self-esteem because we are always willing to think that we are not in possession of Ultimate Truth, and that maybe we are missing data in our archives, and maybe other people possess some Truth, so we get doubtful,
Ok, so maybe it's better to at least have OUR Ultimate Truth always in our pockets, even if it's not 100 % accurate.
Still more accurate than the external observer's ! Maybe write down who we are every single day, even if the personality's slightly adjusting every day to the external turmoil...
 

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I remember hearing someone describe a sort of 'invisible' structure in society--that is social expectations. He said that we often don't learn what it is until we run into one of the invisible pillars--or push against it and feel that it doesn't give.

I think that as social creatures, it's natural to be sensitive to these unspoken social rules that others do judge us by. Though everyone judges differently, so it's important to remember because often some will try to present one set of rules as absolute when they are not.

I usually find being judged uncomfortable, but I try to remember not to take it personally, and to try to think of the situation like a choice I can make. I don't have to appeal to everyone, and some people I may not agree with the way they judge at all or even want to be around them--so why should it bother me more than necessary to be the one they are judging?

Also, everyone gets judged and judges--I judge people as well. So it's no big deal--I think it's helpful to use it as information though, and consider the outcome you want from the situation and from life, your priorities and values etc. And to try to be around people where you feel like are 'your tribe' and have similar values and understand you.

Edit: Is this something we can overcome?

I think the happier you are, the more you're living a satisfying life, the less of an issue it will be. I develop more confidence when I know more about another person--so once I learn about what judging habits they have, I tend to feel more comfortable with how or why they are judging me, because I can agree/disagree easier. IT's harder when I don't understand why or what I did. But if I can predict when/what I would be judged for, it isn't such a surprise. But basically, just do what makes you happy--let yourself explore and be considerate of people. I think that helps. Idk
 

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How do I react?

It depends on one thing: does the judgmental person implies that I had a BAD INTENTION. That hurts. Other than that, I don’t care if someone thinks I’m crazy, laugh at me or ignores me. It’s a reflection of them, not me. I know I may sometimes be a bit weird, but I’m healthy, not crazy. Everyone is entitled to laugh at me, I laugh at myself too and people rarely ignore me. I can’t remember an instance where I was being ignored by someone.

When do people ignore you? Can you give me an example? :hugs:
 

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I internally construct a beautiful insult or comeback, but say nothing at all.
 
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I tend not to react well...

often it's an indignant sense of 'how dare you push your values on me' because that's what it is, telling someone they ought to meet your expectations/values. But often whatever they're criticizing me about is something I don't value. I judge for myself if I'm living up to my own values and feel like for the most part it's everyone's business to judge themselves, not others. So I get defensive.

Or I feel irritated because I'm already unhappy with whatever it is and I feel like it's overkill having someone else kicking me for something I'm already kicking myself about. So I can snap at them irritably.

If it's someone I care about criticizing something I Do value, then I am really crushed and get very depressed and ashamed and anxious about loosing their approval.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Edit: Is this something we can overcome?

I think the happier you are, the more you're living a satisfying life, the less of an issue it will be. I develop more confidence when I know more about another person--so once I learn about what judging habits they have, I tend to feel more comfortable with how or why they are judging me, because I can agree/disagree easier. IT's harder when I don't understand why or what I did. But if I can predict when/what I would be judged for, it isn't such a surprise. But basically, just do what makes you happy--let yourself explore and be considerate of people. I think that helps. Idk
Cool, I totally agree with you !!
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
I internally construct a beautiful insult or comeback, but say nothing at all.
:( I can relate, having scored 84% introverted on the last test I did......
 

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Conflicting feelings.

50% of me is like "what? I'm confused? how could they think this about me? I don't know what I did wrong. how could I change their mind?"
the other 50% is like "well, if they don't like me, that's their problem. they're going to have to get over it if they have an issue with me"
 
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