Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 28 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
188 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Ok, so this question is a little bit of me projecting my own problems out there in the world, sorry for that. Anyways, I’m sure I’m not the only one on this site who struggles with this.

Looking at the “Confession Thread” and the “What do I Find Attractive in the Opposite Sex” thread has forced me to address this personal issue and inspired me to ask you all how you go about this. Any advice is welcome; sincere advice is cherished :wink:



All my life, I’ve been attracted to certain girls, like most guys. But there are some girls who - to use a cliché - simply take my breath away. When I was younger, back in middle school and high school, I didn’t really have trouble with this issue. If I liked someone I made it known one way or another and found out if I had a chance. If I did, I perused it; if I didn’t, I let it go. But as I’ve gotten older, and my days spent less and less with the same people year after year like in school, it has become harder to do this. All too often I see someone I’m attracted to only to watch that someone pass on bye seconds later – like at a store, at college, or my apartment complex, etc. Such a brief elation and they’re out of my life forever.

I’m pretty insightful into much of my own life, but to this, dating/etc, I’m totally ignorant. I very much want a relationship; I’m capable of taking one on, a least financially, physically, and emotionally. But I have no clue how to go about this. I’m in college. I’m self-sufficient. I have a full-time job. I have strong self-esteem, ambition, and many goals.

Honestly, however, for most of my life I’ve not allowed myself or anyone else to become too attached to me. This was in part because of my lifestyle and work: I didn’t want any distractions or extra commitments. But now that I’m open, now that I’ve made myself available, I’m kind of stumped about what to do; I’ve been out of this kind of thing since I was like 17-18 and I’m 27 now. Sorry for the rant, but I feel it is time for me to fess up to this shortcoming of mine and improve on it. Guess I’m just looking for some insights or advice. But I also believe it’s a good topic for INFPs to discuss. Thanks :blushed:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
375 Posts
Let me just say...man, can I ever empathize with you! I have the hardest time figuring this out, too. I'm 25, and I've only had one relationship, and it was not a very normal/healthy one. I don't really understand how to initiate conversation in person, show interest and take things step by step. So many thoughts, emotions, confusion. What exactly are you asking, though? Just how others react when attracted, or insights on dating?

When I encounter a girl in public and am attracted to her, first I get an aching feeling in my chest and my mind spins. Then I avoid her. If I don't do the avoiding thing, I just wait and see if by some miraculous event she talks to me or sends some vibe of openness so that I can feel I have permission to initiate conversation.

Actually, I barely even know what I'm saying right now...like I said, my mind spins during those times, so I can barely comprehend exactly what I am usually thinking or doing...but the feelings I can remember.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
43 Posts
Seriously, you are not alone. I'm 24, and in the same boat. In high school and college, there were plenty of people around and ways to meet them through clubs and organizations. I met the girl of my dreams in high school, and we dated for 2 and a half years, only to break up the night before prom. We kept up communication on and off throughout college, and I had this gut feeling in the back of my mind that we would be getting back together sooner or later and live happily ever after. Sure enough, she found another guy while I was off at college and got married just this year.

Anyways rambling aside, I dated one or two other girls in college with a few bad experiences (either me dumping them for some stupid reason or them dumping me for who knows what). Now I'm out of college, in the working world... and meeting women is not easy, yet alone finding a relationship. Even the few chances I have had, I have stupidly compared to my ideal of the one promising relationship in high school (making it seem better than it probably ever was), and then suddenly I am ending a potential date or relationship since it is "not good enough". Since graduating, I have really struggled, just can't seem to meet anyone, and have gotten like you where I am just so far out of the game now that I don't know how to get back in it.

My only advice is to join a club or some kind of organization, maybe even volunteering, if you are up for it. You need a welcoming environment to meet people. For me, bars do not attract the right type of girls, plus there is really no way to meet them in a friendly way as a guy. Anyways, that's my plan..eventually. Best of luck. Sorry there was more empathy in this post than actual advice.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
188 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
Let me just say...man, can I ever empathize with you! I have the hardest time figuring this out, too. I'm 25, and I've only had one relationship, and it was not a very normal/healthy one. I don't really understand how to initiate conversation in person, show interest and take things step by step. So many thoughts, emotions, confusion. What exactly are you asking, though? Just how others react when attracted, or insights on dating?

When I encounter a girl in public and am attracted to her, first I get an aching feeling in my chest and my mind spins. Then I avoid her. If I don't do the avoiding thing, I just wait and see if by some miraculous event she talks to me or sends some vibe of openness so that I can feel I have permission to initiate conversation.

Actually, I barely even know what I'm saying right now...like I said, my mind spins during those times, so I can barely comprehend exactly what I am usually thinking or doing...but the feelings I can remember.
Thanks for the post. You made some good observations that I relate well with. As to your question, I'm asking for one or the other or both. Mainly however, just how others react.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
188 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
My only advice is to join a club or some kind of organization, maybe even volunteering, if you are up for it. You need a welcoming environment to meet people. For me, bars do not attract the right type of girls, plus there is really no way to meet them in a friendly way as a guy. Anyways, that's my plan..eventually. Best of luck. Sorry there was more empathy in this post than actual advice.
No need to apologize, the empathy help too. Your advice is good. In fact, I do plan on doing both of those things as I continue to get more settled in the new area I live in. I'm a creative writing major in college and in the middle of a novel; I know there are many groups out there for me to join - just haven’t got out there yet. Thanks for the post and the kick in the butt! :happy:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
43 Posts
No need to apologize, the empathy help too. Your advice is good. In fact, I do plan on doing both of those things as I continue to get more settled in the new area I live in. I'm a creative writing major in college and in the middle of a novel; I know there are many groups out there for me to join - just haven’t got out there yet. Thanks for the post and the kick in the butt! :happy:
Haha, yeah I recently moved to a new area, so I am in the same boat. Know no-one. It is tough. I was thinking about taking some dance lessons. I'm sure there are many of the opposite sex there, plus should be a fun thing to do. Although, I do struggle to get myself out of the house. It is tough going at it alone, and sometimes you just have to force yourself to do things. Worst that can happen is you learn from it.

And, by the way, that is awesome you are writing a novel. I've wanted to do that, but haven't got the patience to finish one.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
728 Posts
I react different every time. The more practice I get, the less intense and uncomfortable it becomes. The only thing is, I almost never get practice. My advice? I got none, both my older brother and I haven't been in any relationships in a long time, and it will probably be a while till we start anything new. There's always internet dating, I won't hate on it cause I haven't tried it. My biggest problem is I always think I need to come up with something great to invite them to do, and the truth is I don't do a whole lot of really great, interesting stuff. I'm just a normal guy. But I try to remind myself that it's not an event I'm inviting her to, it's an opportunity to get to know me, and I have to at least pretend like I feel that I am worth knowing. I'm 26 and haven't had any luck meeting new people for years now. Maybe I need to get back to a college town.... good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,401 Posts
If I'm attracted to someone I generally just avoid them and if they actually approach me, I get pretty awkward.

Example of real conversation:
He says, "I'm tired."
"I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault."
"Yes, it is..."
"Rufies?"
"Er..."

:blushed:

Sometimes I snap back with sarcasm before I even realize it. And I'm sure that made him fairly uncomfortable. But at least he still says hi to me sometimes?

I would like to give you advice, but clearly, that would be a disservice to you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,447 Posts
When I'm attracted to someone, my entire body feels elated. Whenever I close my eyes to think of them, I get this indescribable rush, and I feel so happy just knowing they walk the same grounds that I do. :proud: When I'm with them physically, at first I'll be too afraid to reach out and touch them, but once we get comfortable, I'll always be hugging them or push them playfully, anything that can get my hands on him. :happy:

My mind will always think of them, day and night, with no break in between.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,025 Posts
I don't make a big deal about attraction to someone on the street. Glance a few times, and that's it. There is no chance for connection, and I wouldn't want to connect just on looks.

If there is a chance for true interaction...
"If I don't do the avoiding thing, I just wait and see if by some miraculous event she talks to me or sends some vibe of openness so that I can feel I have permission to initiate conversation."
My best chance is if it's a tiny group - introductions likely to happen - or there is group discussion. Then I can respond to something I've heard. Otherwise, just the occasional stolen glance.

Mind you, it's been more than a year since I've felt particularly attracted to someone on more than a physical level. Thank you, INFPs, for being nearly impossible to meet out there.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Evgenia and jasonm

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,999 Posts
Lately, I get very nervous/embarrassed around them. I mean to say beautiful things, but I get too nervous to say what I meant to say, so I say something complimentary, but not quite as good. :frustrating: For a while, I was very smooth around chicks. And before that, I just tried to conceal it every time.

I get that sort of odd feeling in my stomach, like a shifting of tectonic plates, except, you know, in my stomach. My whole body goes cold or hot. I am oblivious to everything else but that person. My eyes and my thoughts always wander back over to that person, over and over again. I can spontaneously speak in poetry. Plus, I get tinglies and sometimes moistness and whatnot.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
228 Posts
im usally dumbfounded because most girls dont catch my eye. its a funny feeling i guess.
 
  • Like
Reactions: jasonm

·
Registered
Joined
·
788 Posts
I'm usually really bad at explaining my attractions. I've kind of realised how to explain it a bit better now but I've been 'Well... She's just... cute and... fluffy... :confused:' even though that reeeeally doesn't encapsulate it...
It's like she's using different words, they're more musical somehow. I feel a little bit more outside myself rather than that we're exchanging words through a barrier, even though a lot of the time I'm not asking anything better than I usually ask people or being more interesting or even sure that they're enjoying me as much as I am them...
I almost never meet people like this though. If I wonder if I like them, then I probably don't. It's taken me a while to realise that. It sucks that you're finding it tough to meet people too =\ Don't know if I can offer any good advice though... Making sure you go looking for people in the kinds of places you feel 'fit' you seems the most important thing
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
59 Posts
It's really weird I'm kind of attracted to stereotypical girls reasonably often, although that girl that is a little different is so intriguing. I think I'm attracted to people that actually care about the people around them and want to help others in their life out (I mean that's all you can expect from a nice person, right?). There's a girl at the moment although I just know that it isn't going anywhere. because girls have always only ever liked me as a friend and nothing more, I'm that guy that people are like, "you're so nice, you deserve a really nice girlfriend", but the girls that say it just don't think about me like that at all, and I don't get it...
Also about 90% of the people I meet first think I'm gay, just because I'm so quiet and I guess I come across as emotional.
And these things just make me so reserved when I realise I like a girl, like I will be fine talking to her, and then as soon as I realise I might have feelings for her, then I just don't know what to say and get really quiet, and just ruin any sort of connection that we might have had, and as soon as I like them, I just have no clue what to talk about because I over analyse everything I think and just turn inwards...
But I still love that feeling when you see that girl that you like and you just get a sudden rush that is just completely indescribable and you just never want it to go away.

I just wish I could say what I meant....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
188 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
I'm that guy that people are like, "you're so nice, you deserve a really nice girlfriend", but the girls that say it just don't think about me like that at all, and I don't get it...
I know what you mean; they always fall for the jerks, the manly men who are rude, unfaithful, inconsiderate, and emotionally impotent. Then, when they're frustrated, we’re there for them to talk to, to comfort them, to understand them, and to occasionally fall in love with them, so that, in turn, ironically they move on and find another jerk. I don't get it.


. . . But I still love that feeling when you see that girl that you like and you just get a sudden rush that is just completely indescribable and you just never want it to go away.
Yes, it’s so strong that we let it simply fall away, so as to not intimidate or endanger anyone by actually expressing it. If only we could simply write poems or songs to them to express how we really feel without they're running away at such a romantic ideal – like Romeo and Juliet, there is danger in such a romance: they might really fall in love!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
65 Posts
I run away, pretend they don't exist, say ridiculous things by accident (shit just comes out of my mouth). If we make eye contact I look away immediately, which is a dead giveaway but also a reaction I have trouble controlling. I have a lot of work to do in this area...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
444 Posts
If I could describe it in one word it would be: panic.

I panic if i'm attracted to them. I panic if i (somehow) find out they're attracted to me..that's rare since I'm way to oblivious when one's attracted to me. I can pick it up every time when its directed at one of my buddies though.

I go quieter than normal, i get awkward, I want to say something...something smart, funny, insightful...but it almost always come out in word voimit. I usually pretend to either ignore the person or act like I *don't* like them...its easier. its just bad haha. Especially if its that girl that really makes you do a double take. Its hard to describe what she looks like, but I know when I see it and its consistent.

apparently though is VERY obvious to my closer friends when I am super attracted to someone and I actually do try to...work my magic. They laugh at me about it. not sure if that's a good thing or bad thing:confused::blushed: :crazy:
 

·
MOTM Dec 2012
Joined
·
12,239 Posts
my lips curl up, my stomach gets butterflies and I feel like throwing up.
 
1 - 20 of 28 Posts
Top