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Gauntlet pretty much nailed it, people I like get quality time spend with me with physical bonuses attached to it. Well, too bad for people I don't normally like them :mellow:
 

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Discussion Starter #4
define quality time. my boyfriend is in the military and doesn't have very much free time, but from what he says he spends what little free time he has talking to me. Which I could contest, because he spends a lot of his free time doing things that he wants to do by himself. Fixing cars, fishing, or going to a party. :/ when hes not doing that he talks to me. I dont argue with him about this... just try to understand...

So is this quality time figured into ya'lls miscellaneous projects? Or is it the "other" free time..
 

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Quality is just that, quality time. Doesn't have to be certain activities, could be anything. So sometimes we want some help or show off our skills during our projects, and sometimes that free time we'll want to spend with you. Go with random as a good word to explain it.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Quality is just that, quality time. Doesn't have to be certain activities, could be anything. So sometimes we want some help or show off our skills during our projects, and sometimes that free time we'll want to spend with you. Go with random as a good word to explain it.
So to clarify... intermittent would be the word for it? We're also in a L/D relationship, and he is a very physical person (in his own words) of expressing affection. But when I explain to him I cant tell if he enjoys my company, he almost acts emotionless about it and says "I talk to you and I text you, that is how I show I care about you".

I guess I am asking if this is normal ISTP behavior?
 

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So to clarify... intermittent would be the word for it? We're also in a L/D relationship, and he is a very physical person (in his own words) of expressing affection. But when I explain to him I cant tell if he enjoys my company, he almost acts emotionless about it and says "I talk to you and I text you, that is how I show I care about you".

I guess I am asking if this is normal ISTP behavior?
Quite normal. He's expressing that he is spending quality time with you through talking and texting.

When he can be around you does he express more physical affection and action oriented quality time? Or beginning to (since it takes awhile for us to gain trust and express our affections and all)?
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Quite normal. He's expressing that he is spending quality time with you through talking and texting.

When he can be around you does he express more physical affection and action oriented quality time? Or beginning to (since it takes awhile for us to gain trust and express our affections and all)?
When he visited me it was like night and day different. I could not get his hands OFF of me. When he'd fall asleep with his arms ATTACHED to me... I'd have to pry them off so I could fall asleep. I thought he was a ESTP until he went back home and started becoming mister hermit crab again... He is very physical and action impulsive... if he sees a bug he picks it up. If he wants to go through something, he does just that. The problem is we havent been able to see eachother since july, and im not sure when we will be able to. I explained to him yesterday I couldnt tell if he could stand me or if he liked me... and I guided him to see how I was perceiving his behavior by asking him questions and giving him examples..


another question... hes kind of a hot head, which is pretty normal ISTP behavior from what I could gather... But when I bring up problems, and call him out and stuff.. he ends up getting angry, and then sometimes says he doesnt know if he wants to be with me. How normal is that? He did that yesterday, and then I asked him how I could bring up my feelings/probs in a more effective way and he told me. And I promised I'd try to do that from here on out... and then I asked him if he were still together and he said yes.. and i asked him "what changed from now and then?" "i calmed down" to me that is very confusing...
 

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Hmm.

I'm not hot-headed, and I don't respond emotionally to perceived relationship threats. Instead, I take the logical approach. Sometimes, if my efforts are being ignored, thwarted, or I have to repeat myself, I do get angry... but it takes a lot to get me past logic and reason, into explosive anger.

If you are forcing him to tell you over and over and over again how he feels, I can see why he'd be hotheaded in these conversations.

I'd give him a bit of space and freedom from the "relationship talks" - they're exhausting, and really there is not much you can do during the distance. If you can accept that he doesn't need or want to hash out the relationship during a time that he can't physically show you how he feels about you, then maybe you can relax a bit until you see him again?
 

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Depends on if he views if the problems were legit or not. If you were assuming things or citing paranoia then yes that could have majorily bothered him to the point he didn't want to deal with it anymore.

The fact is, a mature ISTP will let you know if they're having a problem with the relationship and go about trying to find a solution to fix it.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Yeah he hates repeating how he feels, and that is usually when he gets angry with me... He has a very hard time expressing his needs, and telling people anything. Very, very passive! And I'm not too sure how mature he is honestly. he is older than me, but age doesnt mean too much.
 

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Yeah he hates repeating how he feels, and that is usually when he gets angry with me... He has a very hard time expressing his needs, and telling people anything. Very, very passive! And I'm not too sure how mature he is honestly. he is older than me, but age doesnt mean too much.
I find I can express myself easier through written mediums since I have time to "think" and am not put on the spot. When I have to speak of my needs aloud it's like forcing a square peg through a round hole and I end up stuttering and getting anxious.
 

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My anger manifests as a logical unsightful verbal steamroller, if it's being pushed too far anyway.

The fact is, a mature ISTP will let you know if they're having a problem with the relationship and go about trying to find a solution to fix it.
I'd actually dare to say that isn't entirely true in a nutshell but heavily dependent on circumstances. I for one, though being an ISTP have not much of a need to repair broken things, unless they interest me in the first place or bug me particularly much. I don't have that urge to fiddle around with everything that appears to be malfunctioning, especially if it wasn't me breaking it :tongue:

The statement probably yields truth if the ISTP views his mate as his/her equal who can be approached in such a manner, dependent on circumstances that may not always be case. Then however it's questionable while an ISTP would be in such a relationship in the first place. This can arguably be explained by immaturity making my train of thought quite obsolete.

EDIT: I don't see myself as needy at all. ISTPs tend to be very self sufficient for most part. My advice is to not try to dig for anything, especially if there's really nothing at all. It adds pressure and is received as nuisance on the ISTP's end. I don't know about the other ISTPs here, I for one am pretty humble when it comes to about anything, until I'm so fed up with entitled people that I want to have my cake and eat it, too ;)
 

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Discussion Starter #15
he doesn't want to find a solution, he wants me to tell him what to do. and I don't want to tell him what to do because i don't want to force his actions. I want him to freely decide what to do. He keeps me at arms length because of trust issues... intermittently keeps in contact with me... never sends letters or gifts... evades telling me things, it is almost like playing 21 questions sometimes just to get an answer of how his day was... and then hes supppppper passive. wont tell his roommate that hes angering him... has threatened to move out numerous times, but still hasnt. gets overloaded at work because he wont speak up... And so all of that on top of his behavior makes it very confusing for me to tell if he even likes me.

I really, really, really hate telling people what to do simply because i hate being told what to do. I told him what he was doing, how it was effecting me, and I did not tell him how to fix it. And thats when he got mad... I feel like if he cant share himself emotionally with me, he needs to do something at least TO show he wants me by his side...

Should I tell him what to do to make me feel like I'm "wanted" or "sought after"? He still insists that he loves me, and enjoys my company... Its just hard to see when he acts so... distant and detached...
 

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Discussion Starter #16
I find I can express myself easier through written mediums since I have time to "think" and am not put on the spot. When I have to speak of my needs aloud it's like forcing a square peg through a round hole and I end up stuttering and getting anxious.
you know this would be a wonderful thing if he was a man of words and not action. He is terrible with words, he was in special ed in HS for reading. I was in special ed for math.... so I'm super great with words and conversation, and hes super great with math, and auto-mechanics... yes... hes a mechanic.
 

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Should I tell him what to do to make me feel like I'm "wanted" or "sought after"? He still insists that he loves me, and enjoys my company... Its just hard to see when he acts so... distant and detached...
For me that'd be a no go. Someone feeling self entitled to tell me that would get a /rolleyes (perhaps you should rephrase it, demands usually didn't fly well with me though). It's usually best to take ISTPs for their word, the trust issue is odd however, as I always had full and complete trust unless there was a reason for me not to. To the point it got me into trouble for 'not being protective enough' as well as 'not being jealous enough'.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
For me that'd be no go. Someone feeling self entitled to tell me that would get a /rolleyes (perhaps you should rephrase it, demands usually didn't fly well with me though). It's usually best to take ISTPs for their word, the trust issue is odd however, as I always had full and complete trust unless there was a reason for me not to. To the point it got me into trouble for 'not being protective enough' as well as 'not being jealous enough'.

I dont want to tell him what to do at all! But he wants me to tell him how to fix my lack of feeling cared for... And I dont want to tell him, but I dont know if I should! I dont need him to buy me things, i dont even want him to buy me things for the sake of buying things. But the act of doing it would at least show, "gee wiz he is TRYING to keep me around". UGH. Sometimes I feel like he has NO personality at all. I cant tell if he wants me to run for the hills, or if he just feels so damn comfortable he doesnt see the need for him to do anything. He is the most complicated contradicting person I have ever met in my life.
 

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Well, I'll ask it blunt, since it's my specialty. How is he on an intellectual level, or is there even anything at all? It's a concern if you'd go so far as saying that he has no personality, pair that with being horrible in regards of bringing stuff down to paper seems like an indication that he'd be rather dull, mathematical awesomeness aside.

Phrasing / Spelling / Language barriers aside bringing stuff on paper for an ISTP seems to be the easiest thing in the world, as you've so much time to set it up logically and think things through to the end and beyond.

I'm quite passive myself, last but not least because the energy I'd have to spend in order to change anything wouldn't be worth it. Given all my passiveness and mellowness however I'm quite verbal if need arises and I always do know what I want.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Well. You know, when I first started dating him he said "slow down baby with the big words". im not sure if he has an intellectual side of deep thinking. i dont even know really what he things about... he never voices it. I love "being" with him, like physically. Hes a blast... he doesnt get all annoyed if i say "we're going somewhere." "where?" "i dont know yet, we'll see". We have the same goal in life, to have a family. we have the same religious views, and political views. We enjoy being outside, on the go, watching movies, being physically involved with eachother... But he isnt a challenge with word play, he wont dance in conversations with me...

I think he is smart, just in diff. areas than me....
 
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