Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 242 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
187 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've been pondering lately, am I simply meant to be forever alone? Being an INTJ woman, I don't even know how to go about this. And many personalities I cannot understand or even respect. I analyze other relationships constantly and I don't understand why 90% of them are still together. Most are so incredibly incompatible.

Then, this just ended...I tried diving into a self created dating experiment. I dated 7 guys in the last four weeks and really paid close attention to their personalities. I tried to gauge if some bothered me more or less than others and they all ended the same way. I became terribly bored, very quickly. I even found one guy that said he was an INTJ, which piqued my interest...but I think he was lying because he mentioned that after I said I was an INTJ. He couldn't use the correct form of "to" to save his life, which drove me nuts. And he was frequently straight out wrong when debating, but just kept going like a complete idiot, which also drove me nuts. The other six, I ended up feeling only indifference, but with the 7th, I blocked him because I couldn't stand him anymore.

Anyway, in the end...I burned myself out, like I frequently do, because all my energy had drained. I never half ass anything and remembering mundane details 7 times over was tedious and felt so unproductively redundant.

Therefore, I'm curious. How many other INTJ's on this site have found love? And if you have, how did you go about it? I don't want to know how to obtain an unhealthy relationship. I want to know how an INTJ most effectively finds a soulmate. So next time, when I feel like doing this experiment again, perhaps I'll have better luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
345 Posts
I've been pondering lately, am I simply meant to be forever alone? Being an INTJ woman, I don't even know how to go about this. And many personalities I cannot understand or even respect. I analyze other relationships constantly and I don't understand why 90% of them are still together. Most are so incredibly incompatible.

Then, this just ended...I tried diving into a self created dating experiment. I dated 7 guys in the last four weeks and really paid close attention to their personalities. I tried to gauge if some bothered me more or less than others and they all ended the same way. I became terribly bored, very quickly. I even found one guy that said he was an INTJ, which piqued my interest...but I think he was lying because he mentioned that after I said I was an INTJ. He couldn't use the correct form of "to" to save his life, which drove me nuts. And he was frequently straight out wrong when debating, but just kept going like a complete idiot, which also drove me nuts. The other six, I ended up feeling only indifference, but with the 7th, I blocked him because I couldn't stand him anymore.

Anyway, in the end...I burned myself out, like I frequently do, because all my energy had drained. I never half ass anything and remembering mundane details 7 times over was tedious and felt so unproductively redundant.

Therefore, I'm curious. How many other INTJ's on this site have found love? And if you have, how did you go about it? I don't want to know how to obtain an unhealthy relationship. I want to know how an INTJ most effectively finds a soulmate. So next time, when I feel like doing this experiment again, perhaps I'll have better luck.
Lets practice till you take the experiment to RL
 
  • Like
Reactions: Tao Te Ching

·
Registered
Joined
·
409 Posts
I am not an INTJ but I have dated one for two intense months. We both loved each other deeply and we suffered a huge deal. We met in the most bizarre circumstances, and none of us was expecting to find love. Sadly enough we were not very compatible sexually and our love language just didn't match. But I did love him strongly.

Don't date in the expectation of finding someon you will like, because you'll only end up shooting at everyone you don't like. Most of the time, a decent person is not far, you're just too short-sighted to see him. I suggest you go out and have fun and let chance happen, (even though it's quite not INTJ-like), you will find what you are looking for when you are not searching for it.
 
  • Like
Reactions: WinterFox

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,053 Posts
In my opinion, love takes patience. Most of my friends are all in relationships, but I'm waiting until I get my life on track (i.e. a career) because pursuing a girl. I do want to find that special someone someday, but I want my life to be stable before bringing such a factor into my life.

Nevertheless, I wish you the best of luck in finding your soulmate :happy:
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
5,314 Posts
I hate to say it.......but love is just like all the other feelings.....illogical. An analytical approach will not work. I tried to be analytical when I was dating. It did not work, I got fed up with dating and therefore I am still single.

So I think before you even start dating you should be comfortable with feelings and emotions on such a level...that you feel no need at all to be analytical about it. I am not there yet so I cannot tell you how to do it, but I think it is the right way to go.

Love = not an experiment.......although I wish it was.
 

·
Meh.
ENTJ
Joined
·
8,116 Posts
I don't think there is such a thing as effectively and efficiently finding a soulmate. Compatibility isn't math.

I stumbled on my partner when I wasn't looking for a relationship. He hardly ticked any of the boxes on the mental checklist for The One that I had compiled over the years. Yet he turned out to be the one person I simply do no want to live without. It required me to compromise on things I never thought I'd compromise on. It required me to open my mind and heart beyond what I figured possible. A relationship isn't necessarily about perfect compatibility, it is about finding that person you love so much that you can work with the differences.

Don't force it. Lose the checklist. Live your life. Keep an open mind. It'll happen.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
650 Posts
Well, what do YOU mean by soulmate? I'm asking because the concept of soulmate varies across cultures, traditions, religions etc.

I've been pondering lately, am I simply meant to be forever alone? Being an INTJ woman, I don't even know how to go about this. And many personalities I cannot understand or even respect. I analyze other relationships constantly and I don't understand why 90% of them are still together. Most are so incredibly incompatible.

Then, this just ended...I tried diving into a self created dating experiment. I dated 7 guys in the last four weeks and really paid close attention to their personalities. I tried to gauge if some bothered me more or less than others and they all ended the same way. I became terribly bored, very quickly. I even found one guy that said he was an INTJ, which piqued my interest...but I think he was lying because he mentioned that after I said I was an INTJ. He couldn't use the correct form of "to" to save his life, which drove me nuts. And he was frequently straight out wrong when debating, but just kept going like a complete idiot, which also drove me nuts. The other six, I ended up feeling only indifference, but with the 7th, I blocked him because I couldn't stand him anymore.

Anyway, in the end...I burned myself out, like I frequently do, because all my energy had drained. I never half ass anything and remembering mundane details 7 times over was tedious and felt so unproductively redundant.

Therefore, I'm curious. How many other INTJ's on this site have found love? And if you have, how did you go about it? I don't want to know how to obtain an unhealthy relationship. I want to know how an INTJ most effectively finds a soulmate. So next time, when I feel like doing this experiment again, perhaps I'll have better luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,180 Posts
I agree with @yip1205 and @Zoof If you approach relationships analytically, you're going to be disappointed.

Love is not logical. Relationships are most certainly not logical. In this modern world, there is absolutely no rational reason to be in a relationship.

You have to just want it. And you have to want it badly enough to be able to see past other people's quirks and eccentricities.

What you need to answer for yourself is this: Do you really want to be in a relationship? Or are you only seeking one because society expects it of you?

If you truly want to be in a relationship, you're going to have to learn how to turn down the volume on your brain and listen more to your heart.

If you don't really want to be in a relationship...welcome to the club! :p Not everyone wants or needs to be coupled, and there's nothing wrong with choosing to remain single.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
5,314 Posts
@Impavidus I wanted to mention the point of really wanting a relationship or not, but I forgot. Good thing you brought it up, because I believe it's a decisive factor in determining whether you find the right type of soulmate (as mentioned by @Biracial there are many). At the moment my soulmate is my best friend.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,560 Posts
Mine and I knew when we first laid eyes on each other. It is when you feel connected - even above attraction, lust, crushing.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Sangmu

·
Registered
Joined
·
507 Posts
Having just talked to my INFJ brother about this for several hours. I have come to the conclusion that you follow this advice:

"Paradoxically, someone with the INTJ personality is most likely to attract a romantic partner when they are not actually looking for one."

That if you simply talk to people and make friends with them, eventually you will stumble into someone who your personality clicks with. It sounds so terribly inefficient...

My brother and his INTJ girlfriend met in school, but actually started associating because she had a lot of landscape pictures on facebook and he had a lot of quotes he wanted to put on backgrounds; so, they collaborated and found they could talk to each other a lot. I wonder how one can master the art of stumbling upon people.

So a lot of the trick is to being doing a lot of interesting things, without being so busy that you are unavailable. Life is short why not try photography, french, hiking, music, dancing, gardening, archery, fencing. Wow, I need to get started; I haven't even built a trebuchet yet.

It would also help to broadcast the interesting things you do without being the person on facebook who posts every second of their life. I am not sure how exactly one does this, there must be some sort of pattern.

One of the hardest things I have noticed about talking to INTJs is: unless you ask them specifically they are not going to tell you anything about themselves. So it helps to work on being more open about yourself without boasting, somehow.
(This is the polar opposite of ENTPs who will not stop telling you about themselves.) I frequently when talking to INTJs want them to show me more of what is inside them, but they lock it all within and I give up.

Swedishrose said:
Anyway, in the end...I burned myself out, like I frequently do,
This is exactly what would happen to me if I tried to date like that. I always think I should go out and date a lot, I always worry I will start trying to game people; but, I would just get burned out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,862 Posts
One of the hardest things I have noticed about talking to INTJs is: unless you ask them specifically they are not going to tell you anything about themselves.


that's a really great and true point; i was thinking about this thread and another topic last night, and i thought the same thing. we don't advertise much, and it always seems to me that when other people are advertising at me, i usually don't know what i'm supposed to do with the information they hand me. 'why are you telling me this' comes to my mind a whole lot. so i just kind of hold onto it for a brief awkward time, and then let it drop. without context, information is rarely very interesting to me, especially the more personal kind.

ime the staged format of 'dating' situations just kind of dies in the water with us. i don't have any reason to know anything about a person i'm not interested in, and i'm not very interested in anybody that i don't know, and so it's a closed loop. stepping out of the loop by act of will never did a thing for me or led me anywhere i had any interest in going to, personally. the two relationships that i've had which i think of as worth being called 'real' both came out of friendships, for what that's worth.[/QUOTE]
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
859 Posts
I met my wife when she called the wrong number looking for a guy with my first name. I wasn't actively looking for anyone at the time, which is probably why I didn't come across as desperate or trying too hard. In fact, I had no expectations it would work out. I was really just curious to see how the date would play out when she realized I was not the guy she thought I was.

There was definitely a physical attraction between us. But more than that, being with her felt like I was returning to a home I always knew but had never been before. It was a strange feeling, being so full of certainty and uncertainty at the same time. My brain was telling me it was crazy to feel like this, but my intuition was telling me to go with it.

If I had to guess, I'd say trust has been the main driver. We trust each other completely, and we are free to be ourselves. There's no malice or deceit. We've been happy together for nearly 18 years.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,180 Posts
ime the staged format of 'dating' situations just kind of dies in the water with us. i don't have any reason to know anything about a person i'm not interested in, and i'm not very interested in anybody that i don't know, and so it's a closed loop.
Lol! Yeah....it's funny how that works :^D
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
539 Posts
Oh man i can't imagine dating that many people in that short of a span. You're really truly willing to sacrifice for science.

My advice would be to seek out and be a part of activities you enjoy. From my own experiences and from watching my friends, that seems to create the most successful relationships because it's cultivated out of a known mutual interest and friendship. For example, my ISFJ friend and her ESTJ fiance met through her sorority and his fraternity 4 years ago, cultivated out of a mutual interest for community. I met my partner of 5 years through a niche-art program thing, my ISTP uncle met his girlfriend of 2 years at a Spartan Racing gig, ENFJ met her ISFP partner of 4 years doing community service, my ENFP brother met his girlfriend at comic-con, and the list goes on.

My friends who've stuck to the old fashioned ways of dating have had zero luck in finding a long term partner. Now of course there are exceptions out there, but we live in an age where social and gender expectations are skewed, and a boy who holds your door open and pays for the dinner isn't exactly selling like it used to.

Me and my partner met at an art convention. I saw someone older than her was giving her crap and I got defensive, as a type 8 is wont to do, of someone who I perceived as weaker than I am, but while making my way over to say something I heard her defending herself with words (in a hilariously witty way too, which succeeding in putting the older girl off). After that I paid attention to her art more, and we helped each other out providing the other with supplies from time to time, until one day we actually sat down and talked (and talk we did, 12 hours straight. It was ridiculous). So about a year after being close friends and slowly opening up to one another we developed into something more in a very natural way (neither of us asked the other out or anything) and it's been five wonderfully enriching years since then.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
187 Posts
Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Thank you for your input

Thank you all for your responses. I enjoyed reading (and analyzing haha) them. Please take the rest with a grain of salt, as it's not meant to be brash.

First, I noticed responses that didn't answer my question at all. Instead, the rationale was altered to suggest the dysfunction lies within myself. These were: I'm setting my standards/checklist too high or that perhaps I don't want a relationship. My brain translated that to: SETTLE or be forever alone.

Then, I questioned the need to justify my unanswered question with additional information. But, I know the responses were meant to be helpful, so here goes. I'm not unhappy alone. I don't need someone else, but it is lonely. I would like to find someone. I don't believe I'm setting my standards too high. My personal definition of a soulmate is finding an intelligent man with a high level of self expectations and ambition, someone that I can respect. I believe that would turn into love. Lastly, I have been in long term relationships in the past. One lasted 6 years and the other lasted 8 years. I know how to make a relationship work. However, they were both the wrong men. That's what settling gets a person in my opinion - the wrong partner. Fast forward four years of being single, I'm ready to try again.

The next thing I noticed were responses that say leave it up to chance. That's like nails on a chalkboard for me personally. The "It is what it is" mentality should be reserved for disasters of nature. Most other things in life, do not have to stay as they are if you really wish to change them. Plus, I'm an introvert. By nature, if I don't force myself to get "out there", I will never find anyone. In the same ballpark, I really liked the response that said "love is not logical". That's very true and I appreciated the statement. However, the desire to pursue the relationship does have aspects of logic and math. Everything in this universe is math. For example: positive qualities minus negative qualities equal stay or go.

So having said all that...the third type of response I found the most helpful. Putting myself out there, in the form of an activity that I enjoy, with other like minded people, sounds like a plausible way to meet someone that could potentially turn into more. I'm going to go that route and see how it turns out. :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
859 Posts
I've been pondering lately, am I simply meant to be forever alone?

How many other INTJ's on this site have found love?

And if you have, how did you go about it?
Thank you all for your responses. I enjoyed reading (and analyzing haha) them. Please take the rest with a grain of salt, as it's not meant to be brash.

First, I noticed responses that didn't answer my question at all. Instead, the rationale was altered to suggest the dysfunction lies within myself. These were: I'm setting my standards/checklist too high or that perhaps I don't want a relationship. My brain translated that to: SETTLE or be forever alone.
You asked three questions, I answered the latter two (the first of those indirectly). If you want a specific one answered, don't ask so many at once or the one you want most is likely to get lost int he mix.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
859 Posts
BTW, I'm not trying to be an ass. But broad, "How do I...?" questions from new members are notoriously difficult to answer. One post is usually insufficient to learn proper context.

I think the solution is very simple. The higher your expectations, the fewer people there are who can meet them and the likelihood that you find someone drops. So you need to ask yourself what level of connection you are willing to accept. Strike a balance between how much you want to be with someone vs how much you want to connect with that person. Only you know what that balance should be.

ETA: You also need to strike a balance between how much energy you're willing to expend looking for someone vs how many people you're willing to meet. The more people you meet, the more likely you'll find one to suit you. But you'll also burn yourself out more quickly. Again, you know ourself better than anyone here, so you know where that balance should be.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,795 Posts
I've been pondering lately, am I simply meant to be forever alone? Being an INTJ woman, I don't even know how to go about this. And many personalities I cannot understand or even respect. I analyze other relationships constantly and I don't understand why 90% of them are still together. Most are so incredibly incompatible.

Then, this just ended...I tried diving into a self created dating experiment. I dated 7 guys in the last four weeks and really paid close attention to their personalities. I tried to gauge if some bothered me more or less than others and they all ended the same way. I became terribly bored, very quickly. I even found one guy that said he was an INTJ, which piqued my interest...but I think he was lying because he mentioned that after I said I was an INTJ. He couldn't use the correct form of "to" to save his life, which drove me nuts. And he was frequently straight out wrong when debating, but just kept going like a complete idiot, which also drove me nuts. The other six, I ended up feeling only indifference, but with the 7th, I blocked him because I couldn't stand him anymore.

Anyway, in the end...I burned myself out, like I frequently do, because all my energy had drained. I never half ass anything and remembering mundane details 7 times over was tedious and felt so unproductively redundant.

Therefore, I'm curious. How many other INTJ's on this site have found love? And if you have, how did you go about it? I don't want to know how to obtain an unhealthy relationship. I want to know how an INTJ most effectively finds a soulmate. So next time, when I feel like doing this experiment again, perhaps I'll have better luck.
Go shop for one at Walmart. 6ft, 165lbs, brainy, good dad, ripped, funny. Isle 12. Lol. But seriously make a list of what you really need from a mate, what the deal breakers are and what the nice to have things are and go to something like okcupid.com do some filtering and start dating. That's where I found my wife. Just remember everyone is human and no one is perfect so you may have to compromise a little on some of those nice to have things, just don't compromise on the must haves or deal breakers.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
187 Posts
Discussion Starter · #20 ·
That's good advice. And I am sure new members are always a bit of a headache. So I can appreciate that. I guess the real question is, is it better to be lonely or to settle? I've tried to rearrange that in my head, but cannot.
 
1 - 20 of 242 Posts
Top