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I broke up with my ESTJ boyfriend just under a month ago and since then my feelings have been all over the place. Before meeting this person, I was a very reserved, on-the-low, cold person, and then about 8 months (yes I know that's a long time) into the relationship, I suddenly opened up (idk how) and I became vulnerable.

This is how I've been dealing with it so far:
- First week I felt relieved after ending a relationship with a manipulative person.
- Second week I cried a few times and felt a bit lonely, regretted it as no one has put up with my awkwardness before so I'm scared no one will put up with it again.
- Third week and onwards, I blocked him as he wouldn't leave me alone and I was really sick so I just wanted to shut him out. Now that I've unblocked him, he said he feels betrayed that I blocked him and was shocked I could throw away our relationship/friendship so easily. He said he didn't cheat on me so why was I acting this way? He had lied to me about so many things - little and big things - and I'd forgiven him hundreds of times for his forgetfulness or lies, he told me that he there were so many people out there who were more attractive than me, and he had to make a sacrifice, which is why he was with me.
- He rang me and told me he wanted to find another girlfriend because he felt lonely and jealous towards our friend who got engaged on New Years Day. He asked me how I would feel if he brought back a girl to our apartment (we live together for uni), and I spent ages crying my eyes out.


I'm actually a mess, I only have a few friends I can talk to about my feelings, one of them validated them and told me that what he did over the course of our relationship was rude/suspicious. The other friend is my rock, she has supported me since the beginning, but I hardly talk to her because she's always busy and she's going through some horrible mental health shit.

I was thinking maybe I should go out and find someone at a club or something and sleep with them to lose my feelings for him (I'm not this sort of person though, I'm quite shy and the only way I would do this is to drink myself stupid and I'm actually shocked that I thought of this in the first place).

Is this a normal INTP reaction? If not, what is the normal INTP reaction to a breakup?
 

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Is this a normal INTP reaction? If not, what is the normal INTP reaction to a breakup?
I've never experienced a break-up, but from what I've read on this forum it seems like it could be a normal reaction. Different people process break-ups in different ways obviously, depending in large part on the relationship. However, it seems that people in a similar situation as yours have typically spend a year feeling like shit before they managed to move on.

I don't think sleeping together with a random person will do anything. I think the best thing to do is find a different place to live and to try to distract yourself, preferably with the help of other people, as that will probably work better than doing stuff by yourself.

Good luck.
 

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There were so many people out there who were more attractive than me, and he had to make a sacrifice, which is why he was with me.
As an ISFP, I see that as the greatest insult. Do not play his game. He's playing an emotional,manipulative game with you. Tell him it is not necessary for him to make sacrifices because you do not appreciate him loving with you out of pity.. I would have been totally put off that he has the audacity to say such a thing and see him as the most unworthy, lowest scum of the Earth.

He rang me and told me he wanted to find another girlfriend because he felt lonely and jealous towards our friend who got engaged on New Years Day. He asked me how I would feel if he brought back a girl to our apartment
Tell him to invite his girlfriend over and say that you have provided a shag carpet especially if they want to have sex. You will be cooking them a feast. Be overly friendly with the girlfriend and make every event super awkward for them until the day you can afford another apartment for yourself.
 

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What a sad, manipulative asshole. I wouldn't exactly be hurt because of the remark of other women being more attractive than I am. I'm not blind, I'm not even the prettiest woman who lives on my street. And that's fine. The point is that he tries to make you feel inferior and unworthy of his gracious hero... Yeah. As if. People who do this depend on other people thinking they're not worth them (maybe, because they have some serious problems with themselves?). But as you did discover that and broke up with him, his feelings got hurt and he wants to payback. Again.
@Notus Asphodelus: You're absolutely right, I'd do the exact same thing. I'd really enjoy the game of making both of them uncomfortable as fuck while pretending I was just being nice.

I think that a normal reaction for a thinker type is generally what you describe, at first you feel okay, because you broke up and you know why. Your feelings need much more time to get to the surface. I think it's nice if you go out more, as socializing at least distracts you, but if you can separate sex from love, sleeping with other guys won't stop your grief (it can be fun, though).

When my ex-boyfriend dumped me, it was really out of nowhere. I was devastated and needed some time alone. Partying was just not the answer for me, but I made some new friends while socializing more after a few weeks.
 

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As an ISFP, I see that as the greatest insult. Do not play his game. He's playing an emotional,manipulative game with you. Tell him it is not necessary for him to make sacrifices because you do not appreciate him loving with you out of pity.. I would have been totally put off that he has the audacity to say such a thing and see him as the most unworthy, lowest scum of the Earth.
Don't think you have to be ISFP for that, though it could be a dumb way of wording on his side.
Men.... 'sigh'
 

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Don't think you have to be ISFP for that, though it could be a dumb way of wording on his side.
Men.... 'sigh'
Of course you don't have to be an ISFP, or should I say "From my personal experience.." ?

I don't blame men. I blame people who are dumb, but I don't think he was dumb when he said that. It was intentional
 

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Of course you don't have to be an ISFP, or should I say "From my personal experience.." ?

I don't blame men. I blame people who are dumb, but I don't think he was dumb when he said that. It was intentional
I think it was both.
In a breakup, people do weird things and say weird things, part of the emotional rollercoaster anyway.
To me it rather sounds as a defensive bite back to... an asumed 'I have to put up with X, Y, Z', the response being 'well me too', but then, in a very dumb way ; But I'm just guessing without hearing the other side to the story. Could be indeed that he's simply a manipulative guy, using it on purpose to create doubt and deminish her selfconfidence, though , I tend to keep the neutral position on that without confirmation.
 

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You were putting up with lies. The problem isn't that you've had a breakup; it was there before you began dating this person.

The reason you'd start and keep dating someone who would treat you this way is the reason you're miserable now. Sleeping with someone else certainly won't help. You need to go inward and figure out what made you like someone who was cruel to you. Take responsibility for your bad choices and figure out why you were vulnerable enough to make them.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
I don't think sleeping together with a random person will do anything. I think the best thing to do is find a different place to live and to try to distract yourself, preferably with the help of other people, as that will probably work better than doing stuff by yourself.
I think I feel this way because he was my first and I was his first, so if I sleep with someone else, maybe the pain of him sleeping with someone else will be less…
I can’t move out as it’s a 1 year contract and there’s 7 months left, and I have to stay there for uni.

As an ISFP, I see that as the greatest insult. Do not play his game. He's playing an emotional,manipulative game with you. Tell him it is not necessary for him to make sacrifices because you do not appreciate him loving with you out of pity.. I would have been totally put off that he has the audacity to say such a thing and see him as the most unworthy, lowest scum of the Earth.
Right? I told him I found this offensive and he said “why? It’s the truth, even I know I’m not the most attractive person out there.” I know I’m not the most attractive but I would always make sure that the person I was with felt like the most attractive person… clearly he didn’t have the same intentions. It’s not necessary for you to say that to someone, especially the person you’re dating imo.

Tell him to invite his girlfriend over and say that you have provided a shag carpet especially if they want to have sex. You will be cooking them a feast. Be overly friendly with the girlfriend and make every event super awkward for them until the day you can afford another apartment for yourself.
This is hilarious, I might actually do this.

What a sad, manipulative asshole. I wouldn't exactly be hurt because of the remark of other women being more attractive than I am. I'm not blind, I'm not even the prettiest woman who lives on my street. And that's fine. The point is that he tries to make you feel inferior and unworthy of his gracious hero... Yeah. As if. People who do this depend on other people thinking they're not worth them (maybe, because they have some serious problems with themselves?). But as you did discover that and broke up with him, his feelings got hurt and he wants to payback. Again.
I wouldn’t be hurt if I had a high self esteem but my self esteem has always been rock bottom and HE knows that, which made me even more confused as to why he said that. Him on the other hand, is quite narcissistic as he even said he thinks he is the most attractive person at uni (he’s not, fyi, in my opinion he’s barely average but I didn’t go out with him because of his looks, I went out with him because of his charisma, but I never said that he was unattractive to me to his face.) He’s always showing off, but I never give him attention when he does this, so he finds another way to get my attention, usually by insulting or getting on my nerves.

I think that a normal reaction for a thinker type is generally what you describe, at first you feel okay, because you broke up and you know why. Your feelings need much more time to get to the surface. I think it's nice if you go out more, as socializing at least distracts you, but if you can separate sex from love, sleeping with other guys won't stop your grief (it can be fun, though).
As an introvert.. I seriously suck at socialising, and there aren’t many social areas around in uni, apart from the club so that may be my only option. Honestly I wouldn’t be feeling like this if we weren’t living together, if I had broken it off and we had gone separate ways I would have completely blocked him from all social media and gotten on with my life.
I think I might be able to separate love from sex, but I have a feeling I might regret it later on when I’ve gotten over him and think ‘why did I sleep with a random stranger instead of waiting for someone I love?’
 

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Discussion Starter #11
You were putting up with lies. The problem isn't that you've had a breakup; it was there before you began dating this person.

The reason you'd start and keep dating someone who would treat you this way is the reason you're miserable now. Sleeping with someone else certainly won't help. You need to go inward and figure out what made you like someone who was cruel to you. Take responsibility for your bad choices and figure out why you were vulnerable enough to make them.
I didn't know this person was a liar until over a year into the relationship. I don't know how I didn't notice it earlier, or I guess I didn't care because I wanted to break up with this person as I knew he was manipulating me. Then he convinced me that he had changed and was going to be a different person, so I put up with it some more and kept accepting his apology.

Honestly though, I don't have much love or respect for myself as I'm so unmotivated to do things and other mental health issues. I am aware that I should make sure I know a person well enough before getting into a relationship next time so hopefully I won't make the same mistake again.
 

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Honestly though, I don't have much love or respect for myself as I'm so unmotivated to do things and other mental health issues. I am aware that I should make sure I know a person well enough before getting into a relationship next time so hopefully I won't make the same mistake again.
I wouldn't do it at all until you feel like you're in a better place. You should devote all your energy to that. Get counseling. Read books. Talk with people you trust (about you, not the breakup). Because the first part of the above is the important part. When you figure out who you are and why you're valuable, you don't have to try so hard to filter people out. Your self-respect will do that automatically without your even having to think about it. There are things you should be seeing right away that you are either not seeing or ignoring right now. When you get yourself together, you will see them, and that ability will be totally worth the effort. Good luck.
 

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I wouldn’t be hurt if I had a high self esteem but my self esteem has always been rock bottom and HE knows that, which made me even more confused as to why he said that. Him on the other hand, is quite narcissistic as he even said he thinks he is the most attractive person at uni (he’s not, fyi, in my opinion he’s barely average but I didn’t go out with him because of his looks, I went out with him because of his charisma, but I never said that he was unattractive to me to his face.) He’s always showing off, but I never give him attention when he does this, so he finds another way to get my attention, usually by insulting or getting on my nerves.
As he knows that, he did it to hurt you. And it's not wrong to be hurt about that, even if your self-esteem is high. And luckily, you can learn how to have more self-esteem. It's not like this was an unchangeable part of your life.

As an introvert.. I seriously suck at socialising, and there aren’t many social areas around in uni, apart from the club so that may be my only option.
You simply need to find events where you're comfortable. For example, I really enjoy an evening of board games (or RPGs or poker). It's not that you need to be a social butterfly to participate in those kind of events. As I find small talk exhausting, playing games naturally gives me a task and something to talk about with strangers. That might be a nice thing for you. At university, we do this quite often. How about you? Are there any activities that might interest you that involve people?
 

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As he knows that, he did it to hurt you. And it's not wrong to be hurt about that, even if your self-esteem is high. And luckily, you can learn how to have more self-esteem. It's not like this was an unchangeable part of your life.

You simply need to find events where you're comfortable. For example, I really enjoy an evening of board games (or RPGs or poker). It's not that you need to be a social butterfly to participate in those kind of events. As I find small talk exhausting, playing games naturally gives me a task and something to talk about with strangers. That might be a nice thing for you. At university, we do this quite often. How about you? Are there any activities that might interest you that involve people?
I usually avoid societies in fear of making a fool of myself, or not being good enough. I'd love to join a dance club or netball but worried I won't be good enough and won't be able to keep up. Doesn't help having social anxiety along with being an introvert, although I'm fine if someone starts talking to me first.

I would love to join a board game society or something similar, but unfortunately we don't have anything like that at my university.
 

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I'll echo that it's probably not a good idea to have sex with another man to get your mind off of him. That can sometimes be damaging to women, especially young women. (Perhaps @islandlight can give perspective on this). However, having sex with another woman on the advice of my enfj friend actually did help me deal with the urge to get back together with a woman that was no good for me, and vice versa.
Of course that created its own problem, mainly that I felt guilty about using the other woman like that. But it turned out that she was not really into me, so it kind of worked out, except for my hurt pride! It's funny now, but it was pretty embarrassing at the time. Just another one of my awkward romantic adventures. May you all have an abundance of them!🍻
 

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I'll echo that it's probably not a good idea to have sex with another man to get your mind off of him. That can sometimes be damaging to women, especially young women. (Perhaps @islandlight can give perspective on this). However, having sex with another woman on the advice of my enfj friend actually did help me deal with the urge to get back together with a woman that was no good for me, and vice versa.
Of course that created its own problem, mainly that I felt guilty about using the other woman like that. But it turned out that she was not really into me, so it kind of worked out, except for my hurt pride! It's funny now, but it was pretty embarrassing at the time. Just another one of my awkward romantic adventures. May you all have an abundance of them!��
How is it damaging to women?

If I did sleep with someone else I'll make sure that they just wanted sex and not something else... although finding someone in the club, I doubt they would want a relationship haha.
 

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How is it damaging to women?

If I did sleep with someone else I'll make sure that they just wanted sex and not something else... although finding someone in the club, I doubt they would want a relationship haha.
Let's look at it objectively:
Sex for women has more consequences than for men. Physically, there is the possibility of pregnancy, and the risk of getting an std from a man is higher than the other way around. Also, women run the risk of getting involved with predators/stalkers that can destroy their lives, and the lives of their families and friends. That can happen in any event, but usually the woman welcomes that trouble into her life willingly.
Then there is the mental and emotional consequences. When a man has sex with a woman, he is putting part of himself into her.
He is invading, she is inviting. Even though women are largely built to deal with that inviting/ being invaded better than men, it is still a bigger emotional investment for a woman. Men are also much more able to have great sexual encounters with a woman that they do not care at all about- hence the dominance of women in prostitution. Women generally need some mental or emotional connection for the sex to be worthwhile-both in the moment and afterwards. This is the cause of many false accusations of rape, that is how powerful the need for sex to be meaningful. There are exceptions of course.
There is also a stigma in many cultures attached to a woman who has random sex. This can hinder her finding a suitable man to marry and have children with, if she so desires. From the man's point of view, this is perfectly rational, even if it seems hypocritical to women. You probably would not want to live in one of the societies where this dynamic is NOT in place, btw.
Women who have a lot of random sex also tend to have poor life outcomes. I don't know which way the causation goes. But think about where you would like to be in 20 years, having random sex probably will not help you get there. The entertainment field being a notable exception.
These are just easily observable things from the top of my head, hope it helps.
Note that none of this may apply to you, at least not at the present time.
 

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I think your reactions were fairly typical.

The last breakup I had eleven years ago after a three year relationship I: drank too much, found new women to hang with, made sure my ex knew I was hanging out with new women, said we'd to be "friends" when I was really trying to get back with her, told her she ripped my fuckin heart out of my fuckin chest, deleted her number and e-mail from every possible source. It was a two to three month process.

Not the healthiest way to deal with it, but if you have somewhat serious feelings for somebody then you don't act rational. Knowing what I know now would have handled it way differently. In the end, looking back, we weren't right for each other and I'm glad it happened.

Edit -And I would not worry about somebody putting up with your awkwardness. Now married to a wonderful woman and we enjoy each other's awkwardness. It is part of our character.
 

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You feel that you have to live together, but is that really true? Can you make some other arrangement, e.g., trade places with someone?

Whether or not you have to live together, I suggest that you have as little to do with him as possible. If you have your own room, stay in the room and come out only to use the bathroom or kitchen. If you shared a bedroom, maybe he can have the living room and you have the bedroom or something like that.

Avoid talking to him. You don't have to interact with him via email, text, phone, etc. Let him feel betrayed and shocked all he wants.

Maybe he was settling for you, but he didn't have to tell you that. As a wise person pointed out to me, "There's the good truth and the bad truth." Listening to his disparaging comments is damaging to you and you don't need to do it.

Even though you don't have a lot of friends, you can ask people for support. I did this during my last breakup, which was a very painful time. Acquaintances would say "How's it going," and instead of saying "I'm good thanks," I'd tell them I was feeling sad about a breakup. Many of them expressed caring in various ways, and knowing that they cared about me as a human being helped to counteract the other person's cruelty.

I'm a firm believer in trying to forget the people who hurt me. I don't want to be their friend. I don't even need to know why they broke up with me, because we're done. The pain lingers, but it's up to me to get over it--talking to the ex won't help me with that. Especially if he's a liar. What can you get out of talking to a liar? Nothing except more confusion and pain!

Sleeping with someone else probably won't help, especially if you're not the kind of person who does this.

When I was younger, it was easier to move on. A younger person's day and life is just more full of distractions and possibilities, so it's easier to think about other things. On the other hand, experiences/relationships we have when young can have a more profound effect because our brains are still forming and we don't have the perspective that comes with age. So do try to get over him as best you can.

Good luck!
 

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When a man has sex with a woman, he is putting part of himself into her. He is invading, she is inviting.
Your invading/invaded reasoning is weird.
This can hinder her finding a suitable man to marry and have children with, if she so desires. From the man's point of view, this is perfectly rational, even if it seems hypocritical to women. You probably would not want to live in one of the societies where this dynamic is NOT in place, btw.
Well this forum is full of stories of women dumped by men in so-called "serious" relationships. Look at the way males put up with break-ups at this very topic: by using other women+ mentally torturing their exes. How it is less harmful than a relationship where it is clear that nothing more than casual sex is expected?

Women who have a lot of random sex also tend to have poor life outcomes.
It is also true for lots of married women and old virgins.
 
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