[Anahata]

Hi all!

I have a question about showing ENTP's love without smothering them. I've worked very hard, and waited a long time to be let into the life of a particular ENTP. He has finally decided that I'm safe to be real with, and now all I want to do is NOT mess it up.

Here's my quandry: how can I satisfy my needs to give my Fe affection to him without smothering him? How do all you savvy intellectuals like to experience affection from your friends?

:blushed:

Thanks for any input!

Ana

 

[ENTrePenuer]

just be yourself.

 

[xrevolutionx]

I say be yourself gradually. ENTPs just like anyone else take time to warm up. You definitely don't tell a person you're the love of their life the first week you meet em. Let the relationship progress naturally and if you two are really compatible there really won't be much holding back pretty soon.

 

[Sellihca]

Be yourself. If you're ever not yourself, I know.

 

[vel]

they seem to like:
- genuine compliments on their competence, if an ENTP is into you he may complement you quite often, but we INFJs do not have natural habit of voicing our admiration in words, we do it rather with quiet service but they can be dismissive of the service while be very much encouraged by words
- random outings, research a place that would be of some interest to your ENTP, grab him one day and take him there, if you need to plan do it quietly to yourself and use enthusiasm to motive him to get out of the apartment/house
- random presents that are creative and unique - if you see your ENTP take an interest in something present it to him as present - or if you yourself catch something that is intriguing chances are he will find it interesting as well
- spontaneous sex, don't be shy to occasionally initiate, random places besides bedroom can be a plus

what they don't consciously take to but subconsciously seems to turn them on:
- talking with them about how some stuff is relevant and meaningful and other stuff is not - seems to be some sort of subconscious Ni-Ne attractant
- expressing your own Fe and telling them to be nice to people and gently scolding them if they aren't - thus encouraging them to express their Fe more

note: these observations were gathered over very small sample of ENTPs (about 4) so might not apply to every ENTP out there - just use your keen powers of observation to see what he best responds to :happy:

 

[Anahata]

Be yourself. If you're ever not yourself, I know.

You know something, and this is not specifically directed to just your words, but to all those wise ENTP's who said, "Be yourself." I think this is a fascinating idea that I might need some other INFJ insight on as well. I wonder if other INFJ's deal with this strange inner insecurity. We're J's and we're I's and that seems to create a struggle for me in terms of my own sense of value as a person. I'm very drawn to the ENTP confidence level, and as I understand it (feel free to correct me!) ENTP's only give attention and value if they see value in the person. So the intellectual side of me knows that I should accept that he sees worth in me and just know that I'm good enough, but the roots of my fear here are that "being myself" will drive him off.

From the standpoint that he's investing (and it's obvious) this fear is ridiculous. So I guess I just need to assert the J in myself and say to my fears "Shut-up! Trust that, though, other people don't always see and understand you, he does and will continue to invest in you if you just keep being who you are." Perhaps the ENTP connection for INFJ's is so attractive because the ENTP can see the INFJ for who they are, and because ENTP's are so selective the INFJ gets a deep sense of authenticity from the ENTP's affection and attention.

Have any of you encountered other INFJ's who (when you met) doubted their own worth or abilities to sustain your affection? I wonder if this is just a character defect of mine.

Thank you for the helpful responses!

 

[Tad Cooper]

You know something, and this is not specifically directed to just your words, but to all those wise ENTP's who said, "Be yourself." I think this is a fascinating idea that I might need some other INFJ insight on as well. I wonder if other INFJ's deal with this strange inner insecurity. We're J's and we're I's and that seems to create a struggle for me in terms of my own sense of value as a person. I'm very drawn to the ENTP confidence level, and as I understand it (feel free to correct me!) ENTP's only give attention and value if they see value in the person. So the intellectual side of me knows that I should accept that he sees worth in me and just know that I'm good enough, but the roots of my fear here are that "being myself" will drive him off.

From the standpoint that he's investing (and it's obvious) this fear is ridiculous. So I guess I just need to assert the J in myself and say to my fears "Shut-up! Trust that, though, other people don't always see and understand you, he does and will continue to invest in you if you just keep being who you are." Perhaps the ENTP connection for INFJ's is so attractive because the ENTP can see the INFJ for who they are, and because ENTP's are so selective the INFJ gets a deep sense of authenticity from the ENTP's affection and attention.

Have any of you encountered other INFJ's who (when you met) doubted their own worth or abilities to sustain your affection? I wonder if this is just a character defect of mine.

Thank you for the helpful responses!

Being yourself is the best thing to do. I loath fakers, I have no patience for them and used to end up trying to catch them out to reveal their true selves (I don't anymore because it's pretty mean).
Praise is also good if it's genuine. I love to be praised and thanked for doing things that I really tried with (i.e. really going out of my way for someone or working really hard on something)
I think alot of people have doubted their abilities/worth with trying to get my affection, I'm just really bad at giving it. The best thing to do if you want i.e. a hug then ask for one (I never feel right giving hugs unless their initiated first or asked for, I get awkward and worry about being pushed away rather than it being returned).

 

[yesiknowbut]

Um
Don't over-analyse it
Have fun
Don't be needy*.

That goes for anyone's relationship with anyone, mind you. Some things are pretty universal. If it's going to work, it will. If it isn't, it won't. that won't be your fault or his fault but a relationship that didn't work. That's all.




*this is the most important one.

 

[ENTrePenuer]

You know something, and this is not specifically directed to just your words, but to all those wise ENTP's who said, "Be yourself." I think this is a fascinating idea that I might need some other INFJ insight on as well. I wonder if other INFJ's deal with this strange inner insecurity. We're J's and we're I's and that seems to create a struggle for me in terms of my own sense of value as a person. I'm very drawn to the ENTP confidence level, and as I understand it (feel free to correct me!) ENTP's only give attention and value if they see value in the person. So the intellectual side of me knows that I should accept that he sees worth in me and just know that I'm good enough, but the roots of my fear here are that "being myself" will drive him off.

From the standpoint that he's investing (and it's obvious) this fear is ridiculous. So I guess I just need to assert the J in myself and say to my fears "Shut-up! Trust that, though, other people don't always see and understand you, he does and will continue to invest in you if you just keep being who you are." Perhaps the ENTP connection for INFJ's is so attractive because the ENTP can see the INFJ for who they are, and because ENTP's are so selective the INFJ gets a deep sense of authenticity from the ENTP's affection and attention.

Have any of you encountered other INFJ's who (when you met) doubted their own worth or abilities to sustain your affection? I wonder if this is just a character defect of mine.

Thank you for the helpful responses!

Both types have the capacity to lose their core selves for different reasons.
The Female infj to male entp can become a dance of fakeness... which doesn't work because they can see right through each other.

My infj whispered to me that she loved me at the end of a conversation the other night. I acted like I didn't hear it and hung up :crazy:

She needs to talk up!

 

[yesiknowbut]

Ah, she didn't want to be heard, she just needed to say it.

 

[vel]

I was going over the enneagram type descriptions and wanted to add that typing your ENTP with enneagram types may reveal some additional clues. The one I was with for several years was definitely type 3 - the achiever/motivator/status seeker - when I read "you have a tendency to mistake what you do for who you are, you can become a human “doing” instead of a human being" I was like whoa that's him right there. He seemed to have really blossomed through compliments. In enneagram descriptions this type is sometimes compared to like a peacock that would try to dazzle you with its performance. Reward the performance with sincere adoration and it is when type 3 will feel its best and start almost as if glowing ... so it becomes sort of like slightly radioactive peacock ... well, bad comparison there, but you get the idea.

The other two common types for ENTPs I read are 7 and 8 and occasionally 5. I would think that type 7 is probably the type that would benefit from spontaneous excursions, being occasionally bombarded by some random interesting tidbits and an occasional creative gift. From description it sounds like they overall can use someone to give them more focus in life. I have no idea what type 8 is like. I've only known one that was ENTP and type 8 and tbh I am scratching my head over that one. And type 5s will love learning new things from you.

 

[dagnytaggart]

Follow Alfreda's advice, and be willing to be spontaneous. And don't automatically agree with what they're saying. I may be speaking only for myself, but I HATE that. Be bold, intelligent and disagree if you disagree.

And not everyone should "be themselves". That advice works for the person with the upper hand - to quickly screen out people (rather than waste time with them when they're on good behavior only to see them blossom into some loud, belligerent, embarrassing specimen). It will only work for you if your core personality appeals to the other person.

Since you're an INFJ, I think you should be fine in that regard. Just ease up on the J if you're the stereotypical INFJ neurotic neat-freak.

 

[YourMom]

Just be. Act how you would act as if he was your brother. Don't be afraid to speak your mind. I hate it when people are scared to say their truthful opinion about something around me.

 

[Tony Stark]

I think you're getting generally good advice, and I think it's easy to start a relationship of supervision: Relations of Supervision between psychological ("personality") types. (Caution, you may not be INFj in socionics - take the test.)

The question is, why would you want to, other than the obvious initial attraction. Based on my experience, being a supervisor in a long-lasting relationship of supervision at best is constantly irritating. At worst it eats your soul. You don't have to take my word for it:

With what type have you had the biggest relational problems? - the16types.info Socionics Forums

The supervisor does have the upper hand in the relationship because they think about leaving it frequently. When they express this, the supervisee "shapes up" to the supervisors satisfaction - for awhile. Both are irritated by the experience. The supervisor basically becomes an apparently more mature, but miserable version of themselves and the supervisee becomes a more care-free, but childish version of themselves. Thus both types seem to need each other and the result appears humorous to outsiders. Consider:

Creative Writing 101 - StumbleUpon

I don't know if the girl is INFj, but the guy is assuredly ENTp. The interaction shows all the signs of a supervisory relationship acted out in public.

 

[Anahata]

That is a really interesting philosophy. I had never encountered socionics before.

 

[Tony Stark]

That is a really interesting philosophy. I had never encountered socionics before.

It's food for thought. It was developed in Russia. One key to keep in mind is that Extraverts are the same between both systems. Introverts can possibly have the "P" and "J" flipped, so you could be an INFp (the last letter is lower case for this reason) in Socionics, in which case you might find your ENTp a much improved match, although opinions vary on the ENTp/INFp combo. I happen to be a fan of that combo: Illusionary relations between psychological ("personality") types. Socionics is much more advanced as far as intertype relations go.

 

[whiteashes]

Be yourself. you will automatically attract them.

Praise them a lot, they wouldn't get it even if you're faking. So its safe.
you can praise them on their ideas, their intelligence most likely they will never doubt your intentions because most likely they will believe you.

Offer lots of sex. if you're a sex addict wouldnt be a problem at all.

ENTP's generally like good listeners, one who can listen to their ideas and perspectives, and other things.
If you like listening to entp and appreciate what he is saying would add to the attraction. But dont fake here.

I think if you like ENTP , their humor, listening to them , or being with them, they will automatically like you.
If you enjoy his company he will enjoy yours. Simply stated if you love being with ENTP he will also love being with you.

 

[Rukaribe]

The best thing to do is always want to talk to them. Never give them any form of cold shoulder ever. If they start to talk about something out there then you can stop them by saying a really silly creative story that will make you both laugh. Especially if it makes you look stupid but secretly intelligent in a cute way.

 

[ENTPreneur]

I've got news for you: ENTPs are also human. Yes, normal humans.... with (almost) normal needs. The real difference from other personalities is that we loath fakeness and dishonesty. Just be yourself. But to spice their attention in the beginning you can be a bit enigmatic.....

 

[Anahata]

You've all given me a lot of great advice to put into action. Thank you!